chapter seventeen.
such an idiot.

•

I did see Edwin the following day during my shift at McDonalds—the moment I saw him walk through the door, it felt like I could breathe again.

He stepped up to the counter and flashed me a smile. His mom stood a few steps behind him, greeting me with a small 'hello!'

"How can I help you?" I said, pretending he was just some random customer and not my best friend.

"Hey," he groaned. "You can greet me differently than that."

"I don't know what you're talking about, stranger." I teased. I couldn't help the smile that came upon my face.

He glared at me before sighing dramatically. "Okay! Then I'll have...two hundred happy meals."

"Fuck no." I replied in a hushed voice, causing Edwin to burst out laughing. I noticed a few people lining up behind him so unfortunately, we had to stop messing around. "Okay, I'm sorry but there's other customers waiting so for real what do you want?"

That day was incredibly busy. I didn't get to talk to Edwin at all after he received his food and I simply waved him goodbye once I saw him leaving, being too held up by taking orders and running into the kitchen to help on the line whenever there wasn't a customer to attend to.

When I got home, I decided to ask my parents if Edwin could come over and spend the night on Saturday. Thankfully, they told me yes so I sped off upstairs and into my bedroom and called the boy to let him know.

"Hello?" he said, his face coming into view on the FaceTime call.

"Hi," I replied, smiling. "So, I asked my parents and they said you can spend the night on Saturday."

"Great!" Edwin exclaimed. "I'm excited already."

"Me too."

My friend suddenly dropped his phone so I could only see the ceiling. "One second," he said, his voice quieter and sounding far-off. I heard a door close and a moment later he returned. "Sorry, Nathan's girlfriend is over and they're watching a movie in the living room very loudly and it's distracting."

"His girlfriend?"

"Yeah, I thought I told you about her before."

I paused and thought about it. "Actually, yeah, I think I do remember you mentioning it a few months ago when we met. I had completely forgotten to be honest."

"I get it," Edwin replied. "My memory sucks ass," then, "you can probably meet her on Saturday. She's not going back to LA until next Sunday because she's on spring break, so she'll probably tag along with Nathan to come drop me off."

"Cool, I look forward to it."

Edwin and I then talked for hours, late into the night. It was two am and I was holding back tears from laughter at a joke I had just spoken when my friend suddenly told me he had to leave as Nathan wanted to go to bed. Edwin groaned in annoyance when he realized he was being kicked out of his own room and sent to the couch to sleep so that his brother and his girlfriend could have the bedroom to themselves.

"It's so unfair," he was whining in a soft voice as he stalked out of his bedroom, several blankets and pillows in his arms with his phone balanced on top. "I have to go sleep on the hard couch all by myself for a whole WEEK just because Nathan wants some privacy. Ridiculous."

"Well, what nineteen year old wouldn't want some privacy with his girlfriend during the rare times he gets to see her?" I reasoned, speaking a bit quieter with the knowledge that Edwin was out in his living room and therefore only a few feet away from his sleeping parents' room.

"Good point," my friend whispered back. He took a few minutes to set up his blankets and pillows on the couch while I scrolled through my phone with FaceTime on in the background. When Edwin appeared again, with just the light from his phone screen illuminating his face, he frowned at me. "I don't want to go to sleep. I just wanna talk to you all night." he said.

I broke into a wide smile. "Same," I agreed. "But we don't wanna risk waking your family up. Also I'm very tired and I kinda wanna sleep, I had work today, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Well...goodnight," he shuffled a bit so his arm was squished onto his face—he was laying on his side and using his arm as a pillow. "I'll see you on Monday, yeah?" he mumbled.

"Yeah. Goodnight." We exchanged quick smiles before I pressed the red button to end our call and I promptly fell asleep, the sound of Edwin's tired voice echoing through my mind.

🌌

On Sunday, I didn't receive any texts from Edwin like I expected.

The moment I woke up around noon, right before I jumped in the shower, I excitedly messaged him about a movie that was coming out soon. It wasn't until hours later that I realized he had never replied, nor had he even read my message.

When six pm rolled along I was beginning to feel extremely worried. I tried to focus on writing an essay for my English class but I couldn't ignore the gnawing, sickly feeling that was seeping into my body and consuming all of my thoughts.

At dinnertime, I stayed even more quiet than usual, trying to take long breaths to calm my erratically beating heart in between bites of chicken noodle soup. My parents talked between themselves for most of the time, occasionally asking me a question about school or Nadine and Dan, who they "haven't seen in ages." My dad made some comment about how pretty Nadine was and how I was a dumbass for letting her go after I explained that she and I weren't friends anymore. I just shrugged and continued eating, surprised that I didn't get told off for not responding verbally, but I guessed that my dad was in a good mood or something.

At eight pm I kept checking my phone while I painstakingly finished my essay that was due the following morning. Still no texts from Edwin, I noted at eight forty-five. To keep myself from going crazy, I told myself that maybe he had simply been busy, or he broke his phone, got it taken away even, or possibly my messages were broken and I couldn't receive his response. I told myself anything but the worst. I didn't want to even imagine the worst.

I didn't sleep the entire night. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and resist the urge to puke every time I thought about the bad possibilities as to why Edwin wasn't responding to me.

I got dressed and ready for the day an hour earlier than usual, knowing I wouldn't be able to get a single wink of sleep no matter how hard I tried. I laid in bed, fully clothed, counting down the minutes until I had to go outside and catch the bus.

Once I reached school, I looked around for Edwin but couldn't find him anywhere. It wasn't like I usually saw him in the mornings anyway, so I just hurried to my first class and tried to think of something other than him.

During the passing period to my second class I spotted a glimpse of him further down the hallway, but he disappeared too quickly for me to find him and talk to him. But, at least I knew he was okay. Feeling a lot calmer, I walked to my next class and kept glancing at the clock for the next hour, nervous to talk to Edwin about what had been going on with him to make him not respond to me for an entire day out of literally nowhere.

When the bell finally rang signalling the beginning of 'A' lunch, I practically ran all the way to the lunch room, not even bothering to get in line to grab food before sitting down at the table. When I came across Edwin and I's usual table, though, I found it was empty. I knew that the boy always got there within thirty seconds since his class was right across the hall from the cafeteria, so him not being there after it took me a couple minutes to arrive from an entirely different building was incredibly strange. That worried, sickly feeling ignited once again and I left the cafeteria, resorting to looking around for Edwin instead. He wouldn't just skip lunch entirely (he was a big food person), so I knew he had to be somewhere around the school.

In the outdoor seating area of the cafeteria, all the tables were full of random people but Edwin wasn't sitting at any of them. I then looked across the large field behind the gymnasium where a few older students were playing football and tried to see if there was anybody sitting down somewhere at the treeline or in the small bleachers, but there was nobody so I moved on.

I walked into the building that housed the music department, searching through all the empty hallways and finding no one.

I crept over to the auditorium doors and was surprised when I pulled the handle that they were unlocked. It was dark, save from the lights on stage lighting up the set for the school's spring musical that would have their opening night on the upcoming Friday.

Anxiety bubbling within me, I walked down the middle aisle towards the stage, looking around in the dim lighting for any sign of a person, but I saw no one.

Nearing the pit, I looked down to see a bunch of music stands, an abundance of cords, and...Edwin, sitting down on one of the chairs, slowly chewing on a sandwich. The boy looked up when my shadow fell across him and immediately broke eye contact and glared at the ground.

I went to the side of the stage and walked down the short flight of steps until I reached the bottom of the pit, where Edwin was packing his lunch back into his backpack and standing up.

"Edwin, wait," I called out, dodging past music stands while almost tripping over cables and a drum set. "Are you okay?" I finally reached him, where he was standing by the other concrete staircase leading out from the pit. "What's wrong?" I asked, throwing my backpack to the side and rushing up to take his hands in mine.

"Nothing," Edwin spat, ripping his hands away from me and taking a large step backwards. From up close I could tell his eyes were bloodshot and fresh tears were threatening to fall. My heart shattered. "Just...just fuck off."

I stared at him, not really believing my ears. "Excuse me?" I replied. "What the hell is going on?"

Edwin glared at me, an anger I had never seen before present in his dark, glossy eyes. "You—you're a liar. You broke my—my fucking trust," he got out, spluttering over the tears. "Just leave me alone."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Nadine...she messaged me on Instagram," he explained, tears spilling down his cheeks. I wanted nothing more than to just lean forward, wipe his tears away, and pull the boy into a tight hug. "She—she asked me how you were doing...since...since you blocked her n-number," he choked out. I felt like I was going to vomit. "I asked her why—why you blocked her, and you know what she said? Because y-you were pissed at her for-for telling Dan about me being sick. I asked her how she knew and she s-said because you told her. You told her," he let out a sob and rubbed his eyes. "Why would you do that to me?" he cried, looking at me with the most betrayed look I had ever seen.

"Edwin, I am so sorry," I said immediately. "I didn't want to tell her, I promise you. She forced me to tell her, she wouldn't leave me alone, I—"

"You always have a fucking choice, Kyran," he cut me off. "You didn't have to tell her anything. You chose to tell her."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I felt tears welling up in my eyes and guilt completely overwhelmed me. I wished more than anything that I could go back to when I told Nadine everything and instead stand my ground and ignore her whining.

I fucked up so badly, and I had no idea how to fix it.

"I don't even know what to say to you," Edwin said, voice still wavering. "I don't understand why you would do this. I thought you cared about me, I thought we were best friends."

"I do care about you, more than anybody else in the world." I insisted, feeling tears falling. I tried to keep my voice from shaking, but it didn't work. "You are my best friend, Edwin. Please believe me."

"If you really cared about me then you wouldn't have told someone my biggest secret!" he exclaimed. I flinched, my heart breaking more and more. There was no way he would ever forgive me. "You're a lying piece of shit. You've ruined my fucking life. Get away from me!" he yelled, reaching out his hands to push me away after I tried to step closer, hoping to somehow continue to beg him for forgiveness.

I stumbled backwards, not even mad at him for pushing me because I knew damn well that I deserved it. I knew it was over, there was no salvaging the damage I had done.

Memories flashed through my mind: the day I first saw Edwin, the time I first talked to him, the day when I came over to his house for the first time, then the ice cream parlor we went to. I thought about his damn peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches he'd eat every day for lunch and I remembered the second time we hung out and the food we ate together, the nap we took. I remembered his support for me when I opened up about my parents, and I felt a pang of sadness when I recalled the moment I realized I loved him.

"Okay." I simply said, grabbing my backpack with fresh, hot tears in my eyes before rushing away, not bothering to look back at him before I left. It would hurt too much.

My mind was spinning for the rest of the school day. I couldn't focus in any of my classes and I didn't talk to anyone. When I arrived home, I slumped to my room and laid down, not even opening my phone up to mindlessly scroll through it like I usually did the moment I got home.

I stared at the ceiling, feeling as though the walls were closing in on me. I breathed in sharply as tears pricked at my eyes once again, trying desperately to control my emotions so I wouldn't have a puffy face and red eyes once I went to work in less than an hour. But, despite my efforts, the tears came, along with body-wrenching sobs. My brain felt fuzzy along with my vision, causing me to feel so dizzy that I vomited onto my floor, making a huge mess everywhere.

I stumbled out of bed and went into the hallway towards the bathroom, returning shortly with a roll of toilet paper. I got on my knees and wiped up the mess, my stomach turning at the smell, my knees aching, and tears still streaming down my face. I threw the dirty pieces of paper into my trashcan a few feet away before collapsing on the floor, all of the energy drained from my body. The cool ground helped calm my rosy cheeks and my flushed body, so I stayed there with my eyes closed, fighting back the nausea.

I'm such an idiot. I'm a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I stayed there for a few minutes before I realized I was in no state to go to work, so I needed to call off. I hesitantly pressed the call button on my work's contact saved in my phone and waited for it to be picked up, thankful that the person who eventually did was my favorite (and kindest) manager.

"Hi, it's Kyran," I started, thinking of an excuse. "I'm not gonna be able to come in today. I've got food poisoning from my school cafeteria and I threw up because of it," I explained, hoping she'd understand.

"Oh no! Of course, stay home and rest, I hope you feel better soon," she said. "I'll take you off the schedule for tomorrow as well, since you're not allowed to come in until you've not thrown up for over twenty-four hours," she explained rapidly. "Just text me when you're feeling better."

"Uh—yeah. Okay." I responded.

I hung up a moment later, swallowing bile making its way up my throat as a wave of nausea suddenly washed over me and I ran to the bathroom before vomiting once again.

🌌

Coincidentally, me vomiting my guts out wasn't just because of how anxious I was over the situation with Edwin, but because I was actually sick.

When my parents got home, my mom opened the bathroom door intending to use it and instead found me crouched over the toilet, vomiting for the fourth time, which consisted of nothing but stomach acid at that point.

She helped me to my feet and handed me a wet cloth to wash my face while she rustled through the cabinets for a thermometer, telling me all the while that I looked incredibly pale and that I was covered in sweat. I stood there miserably, my head suddenly pounding and feeling like I was gonna fall over at any second.

After she found the thermometer, my mom closed the toilet lid and forced me down on it before shoving the device under my tongue. When it beeped and she pulled it out to look at it, she frowned. "You have a fever," she told me. "You shouldn't go to school tomorrow."

"Okay."

My dad suddenly appeared at the cracked door. I felt that familiar twist in my stomach and I looked away from him and instead towards the tiles at my feet.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked, his arms crossed against his chest. I could just sense that he was in a bad mood, and I could only just hope that me being sick didn't offend him enough to make it worse.

"I'm assuming the, uh, flu," my mom told him, her voice shaking a bit. "He's got a really high fever..."

I could feel my dad's stare on me. "Kyran," I heard him say. I looked up to meet his eyes. "Go to bed early and get some sleep. You don't need to miss school."

"Okay."

My dad disappeared. My mom rushed to the door and opened it before saying something. "He can't go to school, he's sick. He could spread it to other students!"

"I don't give a fuck about other students," my dad retorted. "he's slacked off enough this year. He's going to school."

I breathed a small sigh of relief when I heard my dad's footsteps fading away, which meant he left. My mom turned back towards me, a painful expression on her face; it looked as if she was about to cry and I felt a pang of worry.

"Well," I just said. "I'm gonna, uhm, go to bed, then. Goodnight, mom."

She didn't reply. I looked at the woman, holding herself up with one arm on the sink with a distant look in her eyes. I weaved past her and left the bathroom, trying to block out the sounds of stifled sobs that erupted behind me as soon as I began to walk down the hallway back to my bedroom.

I shut the door behind me before going to sit on my bed, both my heart and my head feeling as heavy as ever.

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