chapter twelve.
they found out.

•

The second I got home, I ran to my room and burst into tears. I didn't know why he ran away like that, and I felt so horrible for making him feel like he couldn't trust me.

I tossed and turned in bed that night, not being able to fall asleep. I kept checking my phone, hoping that Edwin would text me or something but no messages came. I wanted to text him, to let him know that he was thinking completely wrong about me, but I didn't have the heart to do it, too scared it would just make him more upset.

I decided then I would just talk to him in person—when he came to me.

On Monday morning, Nadine cornered me in my homeroom class that she wasn't supposed to be in, but with the determination on her face I knew she was in one of those moods that meant she didn't give a fuck about rules.

"So," she started, sitting down across from me at my table. "About Friday."

"What about Friday?" I narrowed my eyes, confused.

"Well, I was thinking about the conversation I had with Nathan. Y'know, about why they moved here from LA. And...I have a feeling you know why. You gave me the look."

"Okay, and? That doesn't mean I know anything, I could just tell that Nathan and Edwin were uncomfortable and didn't wanna talk about it." I lied. "I don't think it's that big of a deal."

Nadine rolled her eyes. "It is a big deal though! Please tell me..."

"No. It's none of your business."

"Why not? If Edwin told you then why can't I know?" Nadine frowned, shifting closer to me.

"Because he chose to tell me. I didn't ask him if I could tell you. If he wanted you to know then he would've said it yesterday." I reasoned. "Again, it's not as big of a deal as you're making it seem."

"Come on, Kyungyu..."

"Using my Korean name isn't gonna make me change my mind." I snapped. "You're being annoying. Leave me alone."

"Not until you tell me." She folded her arms across the table and laid her head on them

"You're so childish."

She reached her arms out and grabbed onto mine. "Please?"

A moment of silence passed, but she still wouldn't leave. "Fine, but you have to promise not to tell anyone." I gave in, feeling too annoyed with her persistence to ignore her any longer. "They moved here to live with their father's mom. They couldn't afford to live in LA anymore after..." I hesitated.

"After..?" Nadine prompted, shaking my arms.

"After Edwin got sick," I finally answered, guilt seeping into every inch of me the moment I spoke the words aloud. "He's got kidney disease, and there's obviously no cure aside from a transplant. But, you know how hard it can be to get one."

Nadine stared at me, a worried expression upon her face. "Oh no. Poor Edwin..."

"Don't start feeling sorry for him. He doesn't like when people treat him with pity. Just treat him like a normal person..." I trailed off. "Anyway...go to your own class. I've told you what happened, so leave me alone."

"Okay," she stood up and sent me a smile. "I'll see you later, then?"

I nodded. "Sure. See you."

I watched her skip out the door, moving faster once my homeroom teacher glared at her from the doorway.

🌌

At lunch I sat with Edwin, who was munching down on a peanut butter and chocolate sandwich. "Ever since I bought you that ice cream," he said between bites. "I've been obsessed with the combination of peanuts and chocolate. It's a match made in heaven."

I didn't know how to respond. Yesterday, he was upset and told me to leave him alone, and now he's talking to me as if nothing ever happened?

Edwin stared at me, expecting me to reply, and when I didn't he dropped his sandwich onto his plate, the realization hitting him. "Oh, yeah. Yesterday." he wiped his face with a napkin before continuing. "Sorry. I got way too emotional. I...don't like it when people see me cry, so I just had to leave."

"It's okay. I understand." I shoved a few fries from my school-issued lunch into my mouth, hoping he would continue.

"I just...I got scared, you know? I've never told anyone aside from my family...it kinda just slipped out." he frowned. "It's not that I'm ashamed or anything...I just don't want any attention on me. I'm already scared of people finding out about my illness, so I don't want people to find out I'm gay too." he shrugged.

"That's okay. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or anything." I apologized.

"No, it's honestly not you," he reassured me. "I didn't actually think you were homophobic. I just panicked. I don't know. Ugh."

I smiled. "Don't worry, I understand you."

Edwin took a bite of his sandwich and chewed slowly as if he was thinking about what to answer. "You do?" he asked after he swallowed the bite he was chewing. "Sorry but I don't think you understand me that well, straight boy."

Oh he really is clueless. I had to hold back a laugh at his words. Instead, I grinned. "Who are you to assume that I'm straight?"

"You dress like you're straight...I don't know. You've never mentioned anything before."

"I've never mentioned that I'm straight either." I replied.

"Good point..." he chewed slowly again. "Wait, so you're telling me you're not straight then?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not. I'm pansexual. I can be attracted to anyone, really."

A wide smile broke upon Edwin's face. "Jesus Christ. I really had no idea."

"Well...surprise?"

The boy chuckled, tucking a stray bit of hair behind his ear. "Okay. That's cool."

We moved on from the topic and talked about random things until the lunch period was over.

"Hey, do you wanna hang out again soon?" Edwin asked as we walked out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. "Maybe just us two though. No offense to Nadine, of course."

I laughed. "No offense...taken? Anyway, sure, I'd like that. I'd just need to ask my parents first, otherwise they'd just get mad at me again."

"Oh, yeah, I never asked, how did that go?" He pulled me aside, close to the wall so we weren't in the way of people walking. "I know you mentioned your parents kinda suck so I was worried about you."

"It went fine," I lied. "They were just a bit mad at me. Nothing too bad," memories of my parents screaming at me and my dad grabbing my arm rushed through my mind, but I pushed those thoughts away. "You don't have to worry about me."

Edwin nodded. "Okay."

We separated and I walked to class, my cheeks burning like they seemed to always do every time the two of us spoke.

🌌

I didn't have work that day so I shut myself in my room and pulled out my homework and began to work on it, thankful that neither of my parents were home yet. No more than ten minutes into a worksheet for math, my phone sitting beside me, charging, began to buzz and the screen lit up.

Edwin was calling me.

Heart in my throat, I accepted the call and brought the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Um, Kyran, I need—I need to talk to you," he stuttered as if he was holding back a sob. I instantly felt ice cold with worry.

"What? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

A thousand things went through my head—the biggest worry I had was that something medically had gone wrong with him and he was in the hospital or something. My hands began to shake.

"I—yeah—I dunno," he replied. "Something happened after lunch when I went to class."

"What? What happened?" I urged, feeling only slightly better than before.

"I don't—I don't know how, but somehow people found out. They found out."

"Found out what? That you're gay?" He was talking sorta loudly at lunch when we were discussing it...what if someone heard?

"No, no," he replied. "That I'm sick. Someone came up to me and asked if I was okay. Apparently everyone at school thinks I'm dying or something..." he took in a shuddering breath. "God, I don't know how this happened. I haven't even told anyone but you."

Guilt and shame washed over me and I felt like I was going to throw up. "I'm sorry. I—"

"No, don't apologize, it's not your fault," he interrupted me. "I just wanted to let you know. I don't know. Maybe you had some good advice."

"I'm...I do not. I'm just sorry this has happened..."

He paused and I could hear his breathing from the other end of the phone as he fought to catch his breath. "That's okay. It'll be okay. I just...I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'll see you on Wednesday."

"Oh. Okay." I felt tears threatening to fall at just how awful I felt. I knew this was my fault. I knew I shouldn't have fucking told Nadine anything. Anger rushed through me but I held it back before Edwin noticed. "Have a good day, then. I'll talk to you on Wednesday."

"Okay."

He hung up and I threw my phone down on my bed, feeling hot and prickly with a mixture of anger, guilt, and sadness taking over me. I pushed aside my math homework and curled underneath my blankets, trying desperately not to cry.

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