chapter ten.
be enough.

•

I felt exhausted.

I had barely slept through the night, feeling much too anxious, and my mind raced without end. I had maybe fallen asleep around four am before my alarm went off two hours later. Those two hours of sleep felt like nothing, anyway, since I was dreaming the whole time.

Along with my sleep deprivation, thoughts from the night before plagued my mind, making it impossible to try and have a good day. Every time something different would occupy my mind, within minutes somehow memories from the fight with my parents kept sneaking in. All I wanted to really do was sleep, not only because I was so tired, but because it would be the only escape from my rapid, sickening thoughts.

Somehow my outer self seemed to reflect my inner feelings because, even though we hadn't exactly made up or anything, Nadine came straight up to me during the first class we shared to utter words of concern.

"Are you okay? You don't look so good," the girl said, taking a seat beside me. I didn't mind, though—I had more things to worry about than continuing to be mad at her. I didn't have the energy to be angry either, to be honest.

"I'm fine," I mumbled back. "Just couldn't sleep, that's all."

"Are you sure...?" Nadine frowned, staring into my eyes. I looked down at my hands resting on my lap while I nodded slowly.

"Yes. I'm good. Sorry for worrying you." I sent her a grim smile, hoping she'd just leave me alone for the day.

"No, don't apologize," she persisted. "Ky, I can tell something is up," she replied. "I won't pressure you to tell me what's wrong, but I'm here for you if you need any comfort, okay?"

I paused for a brief moment before nodding. "Okay. Thank you."

Nadine stayed at my side for a few seconds before getting up. "I'll see you later." And she walked over to her own seat without another word.

🌌

During my class period before lunch, I received a text from my boss, explaining that there were way too many people working and I wasn't needed, so I basically had the day off. And my parents would have no idea, which meant I could do whatever I wanted until seven pm.

The idea of having a few hours to myself made me feel much better and put a smile on my face, so thankfully Edwin didn't ever notice how distraught I was feeling earlier, as lunch was the first time he saw me since the night before.

"Hey, yesterday was really fun," he told me while I went to sit beside him at our lunch table. "Next time, hopefully my entire family won't be home to bother us."

"I didn't mind, your family seems super nice," I assured him. "but I get what you mean. Sometimes people just need to be away from their families for a bit."

Edwin nodded. "Exactly. I'm at home pretty much all the time and I never really get to be alone since my grandma doesn't work. I wish I could be alone more often."

"Me too," I said. "When I get home from school they're typically gone for another hour or so. I'd rather them be gone forever, honestly."

Edwin looked at me. "Oh yeah, I forgot you told me about how terrible they are. I'm sorry you have to deal with that."

I shrugged. "It's whatever," Well that was definitely a lie, because I didn't think contemplating suicide because of my parents' treatment towards me could be considered just 'whatever.'

Edwin and I split ways after lunch, and the rest of the school day flew by, making me nervous for the rest of the day. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with four hours of freedom, and I didn't want to waste the rare opportunity I had.

It wasn't like my parents banned me completely from going outside, they just always came up with some excuse, like a chore for me to do, that would prevent me from leaving for a few hours on my own. Also, they refused to drive me anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary, so I could only go to places within walking distance or take public transportation, which no one wants to do.

I dreamed of the day I could have my own car and my parents wouldn't care about how long I was gone throughout the day, as long as I would eventually come back (and I would plan to always return as they slept to avoid as much interaction as possible). I didn't make much money because of how little hours I worked, but I hoped that within a year or two of saving I could afford something decent. I should probably get my damn permit first before I think about buying cars. I sighed quietly at that thought. I was old enough to be able to take the test and get it, but I wasn't sure how my parents would feel about that, so I was anxious about the possibility of saying anything to them.

I decided to spend my day by a cozy spot near a stream at a wooded park right outside my town. I unfortunately would have to take a public bus, but a ten minute ride with a bunch of strangers was definitely worth it.

I stepped off the bus about a five minute walk away from the park, and once I arrived I made my way down a trail that I knew led to the river. I hadn't been there in some time, as I was more busy during the holiday season because of school finals and trying to avoid even thinking about Christmas. I was also stressed about finding a job days before the New Year. What an asshole move for my parents to force me to get a job when everyone else around me seemed to be celebrating the cheerful season.

I sat down on a large boulder that faced the river, the sunlight beating down and warming the stone I sat on. It wasn't exactly freezing out, but with it still being winter, there was a slight uncomfortable chill to the wind that blew, so I put the hood up on my hoodie to shield my face from the cold.

I stared off at the rocky shore on the other side of the river. The earth stretched up to form a mountain on the other bank, patches of yellow grass and large, protruding boulders on its side. Most of the sparse trees were dead, some half fallen into the water and some looking like they were struck by lightning or something. My eyes followed a log that came from the right, that was floating down the river, its bark completely torn off and the wood darkened in the water. I briefly wondered where it would end up. The ocean, probably. I told myself. Or, it will get stuck somewhere ahead and never see the ocean. That's a bit sad, though.

I watched the log slowly disappear down the river, bobbing up and down because of the blowing wind. Within moments, it was gone, on its own journey that I couldn't predict the end of.

I pulled my phone out of my hoodie's front pocket to text Edwin, but on the top of the phone read 'No Service.' Shit, I completely forgot. Instead, I took a picture of the landscape, taking a mental note to send the picture to Edwin once I had service. I wasn't sure if he would really care all that much, but I still felt as though it was important to share those parts of my life now. Hopefully it would help us grow closer, which is all I wanted.

My parents then crossed my mind. I nearly forgot how cautious I needed to be if I decided to pursue Edwin in any way other than a friendship. I was quite easy to read and it was stressful for me to keep secrets from others, so I knew I would have to work super hard to make sure my parents never found out.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, breathing in the cold air.

🌌

The next shift I worked I was surprised to see both Edwin and Nathan walk through the glass door, the two of them sending me a smile when they spotted me.

I finished taking the next person's order before talking to my friend and his brother. "Hi!" I greeted them, a grin plastered on my face. The day had been dreary and seeing the both of them definitely made my mood feel lighter. "Did you come here to see me or get some food?"

"Both," Edwin replied, chuckling at my words. "I'd like my regular order, please."

"How do you know if I've memorized it?"

Edwin shrugged. "I'd sure hope you'd know by now, since I've probably been here like fifteen times since we've known each other and I've always ordered the same thing."

I laughed. "I was just messing around. Of course I know your order." I quickly tapped it in before looking at Nathan. "And you?"

"Just a soda cup. Medium, please."

I nodded and sent their order through before handing a cup to Nathan for him to fill himself at the soft drink fountain. "I'm actually about to take my break if you guys don't mind me sitting with you for a bit."

"That's fine," Edwin said, a strange, enthusiastic tone to his typically more melancholy voice. "We'll be waiting at a table."

I nodded and watched them walk off before I made sure no more customers were around and went to help with orders until it was time for me to take my break.

When my manager let me go, I quickly left the back area and clocked out to begin my thirty minute break. I removed my hat and walked over to Edwin and Nathan, happy to be able to spend my break talking to the two boys instead of sitting in a booth in the corner while looking at my phone like I usually do.

I sat down next to Edwin, who was seated across from his younger brother. "You're finally here!" Edwin exclaimed when he noticed my presence.

"Yeah, sorry it took so long," I rested my elbows on the table and ran my right hand through my hair. "I was helping with the food and since we're so busy right now I didn't want to leave my coworkers until my manager practically forced me to go take a break." I joked.

And so, the conversation went on like that, all of us talking about random things for the next fifteen or so minutes until Edwin left momentarily to use the bathroom, leaving Nathan and I in silence.

"Hey," the boy spoke up, catching my attention. "I just wanna say thanks for being friends with Edwin. It's really nice to see him finally be...happier, I guess."

"You don't have to thank me," I replied. "I'm not just doing it to make him happy. I really enjoy our friendship."

Nathan nodded. "Yeah, I get it. Sorry though, I didn't mean it like that."

"It's fine," I assured him. A few seconds of silence continued before a thought came to mind. "Um, I actually have a question."

The older boy looked at me. "Hm?"

"I may just be thinking too deeply, but...do you know why Edwin seems so, I don't know, happier today?" I asked. I knew that no one always needed an exact reason to be happy, but knowing him, only extremely good things would have to occur before he was in a cheerful mood.

A small smile grew on Nathan's face. "I'm actually glad you asked," he started. "I'm not sure if Edwin will tell you this, but I think you should know anyway. At his last checkup, we found out that the disease isn't progressing as fast as it used to be. It's not anything crazy, but it still brings us hope that he'll be okay for longer than we first thought. Along with that, he's started a different medication and so far it's going very well for him."

I widened my eyes at the news. "That's great. Holy shit, he must be so happy."

Nathan nodded. "He really is. I haven't seen him smile this much in years..." I watched as tears welled up in the boy's eyes. "It really hurts me to see him suffer every day." Although he smiled, he held his head low and I could almost feel the pain radiating off of him.

I reached out an arm and held onto Nathan's hand that was lying on the table. He used his other arm to wipe his tears away before lifting his head to look at me.

"I'll do anything if it means Edwin won't have to suffer anymore," I told Nathan. "I'll try to ease his suffering, and I will be with him no matter what happens to him or me. I promise I'll try to be enough for him."

Nathan's face lit up before growing into a smile and I squeezed his hand gently.

"Anything you do will be enough. Thank you."

— — —

a/n;

i hope everyone who is reading likes the book so far. my favorite chapters are yet to come so stay tuned 😋🤞 also i have covid and i am literally dying (/j). it's moments like these where i am so glad this book was written before i started publishing anything 🤣