chapter eight.
a whole lot to me.

•

The next time I saw Edwin was at lunch, and I was more than happy to see him. My first few classes droned on for way too long, more exhausting and frustrating as usual, and I honestly just needed a damn break with someone who didn't piss me off every two seconds like seemingly everyone else in that damn school. It was like the people around me knew I was already in a shit mood, and decided to just make it worse for some fucked up reason. God, I hated school with a passion.

"Hey, what's the frown for?" Edwin questioned while he ate and I spaced out, not feeling hungry enough to eat. The anxiety I felt that day would probably cause me to feel sick and throw up anything I'd eat anyway, so I decided to play it safe and not test my theory.

I snapped out of my zoned out state with a little jump and immediately looked at him. "Hm?"

"Eh, never mind. I'm guessing that's your resting bitch face."

I rolled my eyes at his reply, yet a smile appeared on my face within seconds. "I just have lots on my mind. It's nothing too important." I replied, deciding on giving the boy an ounce of the truth. I really didn't enjoy lying when it came to people who only deserved to hear the truth, but I couldn't just hand over all of my issues to a boy I had barely met—that would be dangerous and quite embarrassing, I could admit.

"Ah, okay." Silence followed. I stared at the numerous scratches on the top of the cafeteria table we sat at, ones that had been there for who knows how long. "Hey," Edwin spoke up and I looked at him. "Where do you wanna go after your shift today?"

I had never thought about that. I just assumed he'd decide, to be honest. "Um, wherever you want to go, I suppose."

Edwin nodded. "My house, then? My family will be home, I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind," I shook my head, "that's completely fine."

Our conversation trickled off onto various random topics, and I felt a twinge of sadness within me when the bell rang and we were forced to separate.

"Okay, I assume you get off work around seven so I'll be there to pick you up." Edwin told me as we walked towards the entrance of the cafeteria along with our peers.

"Woah, you drive?" I exclaimed.

"No, my brother will be driving us, sadly I haven't had the time to learn how to drive so he's the one who does it mostly," Edwin laughed, "I'm excited for you to meet him. He's an awesome person."

I grinned. "Well, then I'm excited too."

Eventually we had to part ways and I went on to my next class, already feeling empty without the other boy next to me anymore. Being with him was so much better than any ounce of the friendship Nadine or Dan gave me.

Speaking of Nadine, for some reason she decided to sit directly next to my usual seat in our second to last class period of the day. We didn't technically have assigned seats, so I couldn't even tell her to leave, so I decided to just ignore her as best I could once I sat down.

I could feel her eyes burning the side of my head, and soon enough she called out my name to catch my attention (even though I was well aware of her presence).

"Kyran...can we talk?"

I took a quick glance at her before looking away. "Why? So you can make excuses to get my friendship back, when you don't even like me?" I glared at her.

Nadine looked upset. "Hey, you know that isn't true." she said softly.

"How would I really know?" I retorted under my breath, already beginning to feel pissed off. I know that I was maybe being a bit unfair, but I was angry—how could she claim she wanted to be my friend again when she was the one who broke everything in the first place? Her deciding to hang out with Dan even after all the vicious things he said to me was a blow that hit hard, and it hurt. "Dan was right. You're only here because you just feel bad for me. You don't want me to kill or hurt myself or something, huh? You're afraid the blood will be on your hands?"

Nadine and I stared at each other. For a split second, regret filled my mind when I saw the girl's eyes pool up with tears.

Maybe she's actually serious.

No, she couldn't have been. She favored Dan anyway, and that was enough for the two of us to stay far away from each other for the rest of our lives.

For some strange reason, my heart broke when I saw a tear slip down Nadine's cheek.

"Nadine...I'm sorry, I—"

"No," she stopped me. "I'm the one who's sorry. You have nothing to apologize for." her voice came out quiet and wobbly, as if she was holding in sobs. "You can make whatever choice you want. I just want you to know that I have always cared for you, loved you even. You are my friend, you always have been," she paused to take a breath. "I know I'm a piece of shit friend. I know I've been unfair, still being friends with Dan and all, but...please, just know that I've never been friends with you out of pity. You mean a whole lot to me."

She didn't wait for a response from me; she got up, pushed the chair in, and returned to her normal seat. I watched as she buried her head into her crossed arms for the rest of class, not even lifting her head once. Half of our classmates slept during the period anyway, so she didn't look too out of place, but I knew it was out of place for her, the type to do her best in all her classes and strive for A's.

I pondered over Nadine's words for the rest of the school day. Was she really serious about caring about me? I knew that she never showed me anything but kindness, but it was still very difficult to trust her with the knowledge that she was still close to Dan. It felt like a betrayal, in a sense, but I knew realistically that those two were practically inseparable and nothing I could do could tear them apart. Either way it was up to Nadine to decide what she wanted to do, it wasn't up to me.

I met up with Edwin at the end of the school day once the bell rang, and I walked with him out to the parking lot where apparently his brother was waiting to take him home, as usual.

"I'll see you at seven. Have a good shift," Edwin said to me before we parted ways. I watched him run off to a small red car where a boy—his older brother—sat in the driver's seat. I watched them pull away before I set my track towards the public bus stop. I sped along the sidewalk quickly, knowing I was running a bit late and I definitely did not want to be late to work that early on on my job. Surely my parents would find out too, and that would lead to an entirely different and more horrific mess.

Thankfully though, I arrived at work with a minute to spare, clocked in at the register and began my four-hour shift, already counting down the seconds until I got to see Edwin again.

🌌

I was assigned to help wash dishes in the back for the last thirty minutes of my shift, which was honestly a blessing from God. I got to be alone, with just my mind, and not worry about talking to customers or making small talk with any of my co-workers.

As I rinsed off hot, soapy pans, I thought about how nervous I was to meet Edwin's family. In a way I was partially excited, too, but for the most part I was anxious that I would embarrass myself or come off a certain negative way to his family members. It was nerve wracking enough knowing I was going to meet his brother and parents, but his grandma too? That was like another whole other level of fear I had pushed onto me. I at least hoped she would like me, even a little bit.

I soon decided to wrap up my dish-washing job once seven o'clock rolled around, and swiftly dried my hands before clocking out, grabbing my backpack and jacket from the back room afterwards. I gave a quick goodbye to my co-workers who noticed me leaving and stepped out the door into the harsh wind. As I wrapped my jacket around my shoulders, I received a text from Edwin that told me he and his brother were there, and a moment later that familiar red car pulled into a parking space right in front of me, barely visible in the growing darkness.

I uncomfortably stepped up to one side of the car and pulled the door open, relief flooding within me when I saw Edwin was sitting in the back. He smiled at me when I climbed in and shut the door. "Hi!" he greeted, and once I got settled in and I buckled my seatbelt, we were off.

"Hey," I replied breathily. I was so nervous, especially with his brother being in the same car as us. "So, that's your..." I trailed off, my gaze moving to the boy up front.

"Oh, right," Edwin looked at his brother. "This is Nathan, my amazing brother." He leaned forward as he spoke to pat roughly on the boy's shoulders.

"Hi." I said nervously, catching a grin from the older boy in the rearview mirror.

"Hello Kyran," Nathan replied. "It's nice to finally meet you. Edwin talks about you a lot."

"No I do not." Edwin exclaimed, embarrassment evident in his voice.

"Yes he does." Nathan opposed with a laugh.

I smiled as the two began to bicker for a few moments, watching how even when frustrated it was clear how much they loved each other. If only I had something like that...my life would've been a lot less lonely if I did.

"Anyway, are you excited to finally meet my family? 'Cause I know I'm excited." My friend asked, turning towards me with an ecstatic expression on his face.

"Uhm, yeah." I shakily agreed. Edwin narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously.

"You do not sound excited."

A twinge of fear hit me. "Oh, I—I didn't mean it like that—I'm just—I'm just super nervous..." I spluttered. Jesus Christ Kyran, you already fucked up, I yelled at myself within my head.

"That's okay," Edwin replied, and relief immediately flooded me. "You don't have to be nervous though. Everyone is really nice. I promise."

I nodded in response, hoping that Edwin was right and not just sticking up for his family that could potentially be filled with awful people. Then again, no one could compare to my parents, so I could face pretty much anything to be honest.

I swore I felt anxiety prickling at my skin as we pulled into the driveway of a small, outdated house. Trying my best to ignore my fears, I surveyed my surroundings as I exited the car and followed Edwin and Nathan up to the front door. I looked around at an unkempt garden filled mostly with weeds and small purple flowers, a few chipped and crooked small cinder blocks that made the pathway up to the door, grass growing between the cracks, and finally a broken window on the garage door. The place looked almost abandoned, but at least the lawn was freshly mowed, and warm, orange light poured out from the windows.

I watched the two older boys push their door open and head inside, Edwin looking back to beckon me forward. I nervously stepped into the house and looked around, the inside catching me off guard.

Contrary to the beat-down look of the outside, the small house was decorated colorfully, perfectly clean, and had a strange caramelly scent to the air. The walls of the entrance area were baby blue, and as I looked into the nearby kitchen, I noticed the blue faded into a beautiful teal.

"I know. My mom loves to decorate. I think it's a bit tacky, if you ask me." Edwin mumbled into my ear, catching me by surprise. He probably noticed me looking around in shock and thought I was appalled—I wasn't, really. It was in much better condition than my own house, so I had no room to judge anyway.

The three of us walked through the kitchen and into the living room, where I spotted two adults sitting on the couch watching TV and an elderly lady sat in an old plush chair, a small brown dog in her lap.

"Heyyyyyy," My friend greeted his parents and grandma before stepping behind me and pushing me forward into the view of his family members. "This is the one... and only...Kyran!" He announced proudly.

I uncomfortably mumbled hello and waved shly. His dad immediately jumped up to shake my hand and gave me a grin. "How're you doing?" he asked, to which I gave the basic 'I'm fine' answer back.

Mrs. Zepeda, who I had seen before at McDonalds, then said hello to me next with a small polite smile, and I felt relieved once I realized she was probably very introverted, just like me.

Finally I had to meet Edwin's grandmother. She pulled me in for a hug and whispered "Thanks for being so kind to my grandson. Bless your heart," into my ear. I nodded in response, taking in a whiff of her old lady smell, lotion and vanilla, and pulled back with a smile. I already liked her.

"Okay, well, we're gonna go hang out in my room, bye," Edwin grabbed me by the shoulders and marched us away into a nearby hallway.

"Our room." Nathan called out as we walked away.

"Shut it!" Edwin called back, ignoring Nathan who yelled 'you shut it!' which gained a hush from their parents. "Ignore him, he's annoying sometimes."

I giggled softly at that remark and looked around the tiny room we just entered. Barely enough room for two twin sized beds, I was surprised they even had a desk in there, in between the beds. It was cluttered with random papers and an assortment of cups and bowls on one side, while the other half was completely clean. It was the same with the entire room, one side with clothes on the floor pushed up against the bottom of the bed. A few pairs of raggedy shoes sat at the end of the bed, and the covers on top were disheveled, pillows thrown even to the opposite side. The wall above was filled with posters from bands, anime, and cutouts from magazines. On the other hand, the other side of the room was spotless, the bed made, and not a single thing pinned into the wall.

It was quite obvious whose side was whose.

"Ah, sorry about the mess." Edwin said, closing the door behind us before speeding forward and picking his clothing up from the floor. I watched as he threw them into a half-full white clothes basket near his shoes and then he grabbed his dishes, telling me to wait there so he could bring them to the kitchen.

As he left, I sat down in the tiny chair that was pushed up against the desk. I spotted a picture frame on Nathan's side with him, Edwin, and their parents, looking about five years younger and a whole lot happier. My heart ached for the family, but especially for Edwin. He and his family didn't deserve the life they were forced to live because of something uncontrollable and terrible.

"Ew, don't look at that," The sounds of Edwin's voice scared me so bad I jumped. I turned just as he took the picture frame off the desk and held it in his hands to look down on it. "Sorry," he said. "I just hate this picture. I keep telling Nathan to put it away but he never does." he threw the frame onto his brother's bed before flopping down on his own. "So..."

"So...?" I turned my body to look at the older boy.

"I dunno."

I rolled my eyes. "Tell me more about your life."

"I mean, I would, but...I haven't heard much from you, to be honest." Edwin replied, a sneaky smirk on his face as he sat up to look at me.

I pursed my lips. "My life is pretty boring."

"Bullshit...you must have something to share. Even if it's bad, I'm all ears."

I hesitated, not knowing what to say. "Um...well..." I trailed off, nervous about how Edwin would react if I told him the truth about everything in my life. But then again, Edwin told me his deepest demons, why couldn't I share mine? "I feel like I haven't been entirely honest with you. Um, my dad is...kinda a shitty person."

Edwin widened his eyes. "Really..."

I nodded. "Yeah. My mom is okay, I guess, but she doesn't help much with the situation. She just kinda ignores it, and, well, ignores me."

"Oh damn. I'm so sorry."

I shook my head. "It's okay. I'm used to it, to be honest," I told him. "At least I only have two more years left until I'm eighteen. Then I can move out."

"That's still a very long time." Edwin pouted.

"I've gone nine years with them, I can handle two more." I replied simply.

Silence followed. "You know you're welcome over here any time you'd like, yeah?"

The corners of my lips turned up into a smile and I had the strongest urge to pull the skinny boy into my arms for a hug. "Yeah. Thank you."

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gif artist credit: Leland Foster