chapter four.
could be worse.

•

I woke up the next morning with dread pooling in my stomach and my eyes sore. I wanted more than anything to just pull the covers back over my head and sleep forever, but doing that was impossible, and even attempting to do so would land me in trouble I wasn't willing to face under any circumstances.

I hobbled my way out of bed, slowly rising to my feet and heading straight to my closet. I pulled out a random graphic t-shirt and a pair of old, faded jeans, having absolutely no energy to even think of a nicer looking outfit. That morning I was focused on doing the bare minimum—it was all I could really handle, honestly.

My shower felt colder than usual. I stared at my feet and let the water run down on me for much too long, my mind replaying words and images from the night before that I just wanted to forget about, but they plagued my mind and wouldn't leave, no matter what I did. My head was a thunderous ocean, twirling around, chaotic as all can be. I yearned for still, serene waters for just a small glimpse of time, a sliver of hope. Instead, the water was wavy and rough, the sky dark and the air cold.

My shower alarm went off, making me jump slightly. I quickly recovered and turned the metal knobs, the water falling down from the nozzle quickly stopping and the centimeter of liquid that was pooled at the bottom disappeared down the drain. Metal scratched angrily against metal as I tore the shower curtain open and reached a hand out towards my phone to silence my alarm. I quickly towelled off and slipped into my clothing as swift as possible, wanting to leave the house as fast as I could to avoid seeing and talking to my parents, because my dad would be getting up any minute to get ready for work and my mom for her morning cigarette before kissing Dad goodbye once he was ready to leave the house.

I was tying my black tennis shoes up onto my feet when I heard the door down the hall open and the sound of footsteps and hushed voices filled the hallway. A pang of nerves hit me like a bullet. I looked away from my door and continued tying my shoes until I was finished, next pulling on a light jacket to shelter myself from the slight morning chill of January in California.

I slung my backpack around my back, slipped my lanyard with my school ID on it over my head so it rested around my neck, and exited my room, closing the door quietly behind me. I followed the sound of quiet murmuring coming from downstairs and lightly tread down the steps, coming to a halt at the bottom.

"Kyran?"

I heard my name being called from the kitchen, where my parents could just barely see me from around the corner. I sighed quietly before turning around and heading into the room, my head exploding into billions of different thoughts and worries about what the pair could possibly need me for.

"Yes?" I leaned against the threshold and kept my eyes trained on the tiled floor that hadn't been scrubbed for years. Probably for my entire lifetime, honestly.

"Look at us when we're speaking to you." Came my dad's gruffly voice, a hint of irritation laced in it.

"Sorry." I blinked and hesitantly raised my eyes to look in between my parents.

"We've decided we want you to start paying for your own school lunch since you've gotten a job. We're tight on money right now." My mom told me, her hands splayed across the counter, holding her up, while her piercing, cold eyes stared into my soul. She blinked before looking away, appearing as though she was ashamed of something.

I nodded. "Alright." It wasn't alright.

Our conversation bothered me and I couldn't let the words leave my mind as I walked to school, having missed the bus after my parents spent way too long being dicks that morning.

It wasn't the fact that I had to pay for my own food, because I understood that, especially if we had money problems. It was the fact that they were definitely going to still spend their money on useless things—or purely spend for themselves. Not their child, who they were meant to take care of. Yet, I wasn't surprised, not one bit. My dad had always been hypocritical, selfish pieces of shit who put himself over anyone else. It'd be a miracle if he were to think of anyone else's feelings for once.

The school day went by dreadfully slow. My teachers' voices droned on and on about stuff I definitely wasn't going to remember nor did I care about, and both Dan and Nadine barely spoke a word to me during lunch, being much too focused on each other to spare even a quick glance in my direction. I was used to it, though. It was fine.

For the first time ever, I was looking forward to clocking in for my shift almost directly after school. It would give me a better sense of purpose because I was needed there, and my co-workers were cool and didn't treat me like I was someone who could just disappear and be forgotten about. I had a job to do, people around me to socialize with, and money to make. Work also kept me away from my parents, which was a win-win for both me and them—because taking basic care of me was such a chore.

But, the most important thing when it came to my shift at McDonalds was the chance I had that I would see him.

The thought of having work as my escape made the last two periods of school go by much faster than earlier. During study hall, I breezed through all of my homework I had collected throughout the day and in my last class, I was staring at the big hand on the clock mounted at the wall, just counting down the minutes until I got to leave.

Beep.

Finally, I almost let out a sigh of relief.

The sound of chairs scraping across the tiled floor filled the classroom as my classmates and I stood up from our seats and practically ran for the door, ignoring our teacher who called out "No running!" It wasn't like anyone really listened to him anyway.

Nadine caught me in the hallway and offered to drive me to work, and, not really wanting to ride the bus, I accepted.

"You seem kinda out of it recently," Nadine began as she pulled out of her parking spot. The girl had just gotten her license a month prior, having put it off much too long and finally her parents forced her to take the test. Of course she passed with flying colors, and of course her wealthy parents bought her a nice, new car. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, even if it was just a little bit. "You doing alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good," I lied. Though, in some ways my response was actually the truth. The thought of Edwin always excited me for some reason. Maybe it was the whole mystery to him, or maybe I just thought he was cute. I didn't know where my mind was really at anymore. "Just kinda stressed about some family stuff." I added when Nadine gave me a look that most definitely said 'I don't believe you one bit.'

"Okay. If you ever wanna crash at my place, feel free to."

"Mhm. Thanks."

My friendship with Nadine was strange. She didn't talk to me much, being too busy with Dan, her other friends I didn't know, or herself, but at least I knew that deep down she cared about me, even a little bit. I had no idea why she didn't really seem to show it, though. Was it guilt from knowing I was poor and depressed driving her to care for me? Because if so, I didn't like that at all. I didn't want her friendship only because she pitied me. I wanted someone to like me for me, not just for the greater good of supporting a classmate.

"Ky?"

I turned my head to look at Nadine. "Hm?"

"We're here."

I looked out the car's window and realized she was right; we were parked in a parking spot at the McDonalds I worked at. I turned back to the girl.

"Thanks. See you later," I opened the car door and closed it after me once I heard Nadine call out 'bye.'

I watched from the outside of the building's doors as the girl drove away, leaving me alone at work. Honestly, despite the fact she probably didn't really care much about being friends with me, I genuinely enjoyed talking to her, or even just being in her presence. She felt familiar and safe.

I pulled on my apron and visor for the uniform and stood behind the counter, Sam at my side. He greeted me with a smile and I suddenly felt a lot better.

Edwin came in around five pm, and I couldn't have been more excited, especially because it was during my break so I had nothing to distract me from staring longingly at him to try and figure him out (and admire his beauty).

I watched from an empty booth as Sam, who was leaving very soon as it was pretty much the end of his shift, took the taller boy's order. Edwin sat down a few seats away from me and pulled out his phone. My heart began to pound faster as an idea came across me; what if I sit down and talk to him?

No, I told myself. You'll only make a fool of yourself. He probably doesn't even want to talk to anyone anyway, especially not to a complete stranger.

I took little peeks at him every once in a while as he got up to get his food and sat back down to eat. I wondered how he had the money to go out nearly every day. He probably has a job too.

Ten minutes passed, and I became much more nervous. He would be leaving soon, and I still wanted to talk to him, but I was terrified.

Dude, if you want to become friends with him you can't just stare at him afar and expect a miracle to happen, I scolded myself.

Talk.

To.

Him.

Without hesitation, I slid out of the booth and got to my feet. My legs shook with every step, my mind whirled with so many possibilities, but I pushed on and eventually made it to his table. Edwin looked up at me and before I could chicken out, I sat down across from him.

"Uhm, hi." I began, a small smile breaking out on my face.

"Hi...?" Edwin replied, a perplexed look on his face. I didn't blame him, it was strange for some random person to come over and sit with you.

"So, uh, I noticed we go to the same school and, um," my voice was wavering slightly, and much higher than normal because I was so nervous. God, he probably thinks I'm weird. "I don't know, I just, um, wanted to talk to you."

"Oh," he replied with a small nod. "okay."

I felt a bit unwanted, but I decided to continue the conversation anyway. "Well, I guess I should introduce myself. I'm...Kyran Lee, I'm a sophomore."

"Oh," Edwin laughed. "Okay. Um, I'm Edwin."

"I know," I accidentally replied.

"You...know?" Edwin furrowed his brows and I felt my cheeks heat up.

"Oh, um, I overheard that lady who was with you here once a little while ago calling you that..." I explained. "I promise I'm not creepy, I was just cleaning tables nearby."

"I don't think it's creepy," Edwin smiled. "Most normal people eavesdrop. It's okay."

My blush deepened and I suddenly wanted to run away so he wouldn't have to see my red face.

"Thanks." I said, smiling back. "So...are you new to our school?" I knew he was, but I just wanted to hear him talk more and maybe elaborate on where he even came from.

"Yeah," he said. "I just moved here. I used to live in L.A., actually," I nodded at his words. "We had to move in with my grandma who lives here because of...money reasons."

"Ah," I immediately understood, not being totally well off myself. "I get it. I'm not exactly wealthy either. It's a struggle but I at least try to be thankful for what I have, you know? It could be worse."

Edwin nodded, a sudden vacant look to his face. "It could be."

A few moments of silence passed between us and I felt my phone begin to buzz, alarming me that my break was over. "Ah, shit. Sorry, I gotta get back to work. It was really nice talking to you."

"You too. I'll...see you around?" Edwin replied, looking up at me once I stood up.

"Yeah. See you."

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