TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. TYLER IS VERY UPSET IN THIS CHAPTER. PLEASE, READ SAFELY!

I was relieved to find that it was quiet in the parking lot, and it was quiet in my car, too. Of course, that was mostly because my car radio had been stolen, but still.

Now that I was out on my own, though, the silence enabled me to think of other things. I liked silence, but, well, maybe this was a bit too silent. I kept thinking about how Maria had tried to kiss me, and how I'd clumsily made an excuse to escape the situation. Self hatred burned in my stomach, but it was better than thinking about the problems with my family.

Except now I was starting to think about them, by thinking about how much I didn't want to. How ironic.

I had to face the facts: my dad hated me, and my mom went along with whatever he said. My siblings, at best, tolerated me, save for Madison, and she couldn't be seen with or communicating with me lest she get in trouble. A few months ago, I had had a family, and now I didn't.

Without support from my parents, I was basically broke. Sure, I'd last a month or so longer, with money from my part-time job, but in the end there was only three ways that this could go. Either I would quiet college, try to find some job, or get thrown out onto the street.

It was all too much, I just wanted all of it to stop. I wanted the world to stop spinning, I wanted to pull the steering wheel of my truck and just end everything.

Suddenly terrified, I jerked the steering wheel, pulling over onto the side of the road and putting my car in park, yanking out the keys. My headlights went dark.

Shakily, I took a few breaths. I'd never truly had a suicidal thought before. How could this be happening to me?

I didn't know what to do, so I just sat there for a few minutes, holding my phone in my lap. I felt like I should call someone, but I didn't know who. Josh? Madison? A help line?

"I don't want to die," I whispered. Again, louder: "I don't want to die."

The only thing I could think to do was continue on my trip to Josh's, but I didn't trust myself to drive. Grabbing my plastic bag full of clothes, I got out of the truck and locked it. His apartment was only a few blocks from here, so I could walk it instead.

It was dark, with only the yellowed glow from streetlamps lighting my way. This late, I easily could have been mugged, so I tried to walk quickly and stick to the pavement.

Fortunately, I made it to Josh's apartment in one piece. I walked slowly up the stairwell, feeling a bit out of place. I'd managed to calm down again, and tried to focus solely on the boy I was going to see.

Within a few short minutes, I'd reached apartment twenty-one. I knocked on the door.

A/N: Sorry I didn't upload a picture, my computer is being annoying.

I've been thinking seriously about this story. I don't feel motivated or interested in it like I used to, like I was with Curiosity and am with Colors. Two Joshler stories going at one time is also kind of confusing and difficult.

These are the options I've been considering:

- Deleting this book

- Unpublishing this book indefinitely 

- Unpublishing this book and rewriting it later, probably into third person (it's easier for me to write)

- Unpublishing this book and coming back to it when I'm ready

- Unpublishing this book and undergoing some severe plot/story editing

- Continuing the story like I am now

Which do you guys think I should do? As my readers, it's important to me that you get a say in how/when my stories are available. Also, if I do continue now or at a later date, how often should I update?