I thought the next meeting with the band would be awkward, but it wasn't.

The only out of the ordinary thing that happened was that Hashirama came to me and held out my coat.

"You forgot this last time", he said, looking at me with a stern expression I couldn't read.

"Oh", I said, blushing. 

It was my own fault; I had ignored Hashirama's messages and phone calls after I had run out that night.

But when I dared to look up, I saw that even if Damien and John had raised their eyebrows at me, Tobirama looked completely unbothered.

It made my heart hurt.

The band had grown massively since the clip of Tobirama had started to spread. They were reaching a million followers on Instagram, and had gotten their first arena booking, just for them. I tried to be happy for them, but couldn't. I felt left out, that this was for them and their fans and not for me.

So I started working. Excessively. With them, their social media, their webpage, their marketing. I also took on other jobs as a photographer, for newspapers but also other bands. I knew I was burning my candle at both ends, but I had no motivation not to.

One day, Damien called me, and I had a feeling he didn't want to talk about band stuff.

"Can me and John come over? To hang out? You have an Xbox right?"

I made a pot of tea for us and found some snacks.

But when they came, it was clear they hadn't come to play Xbox.

"Madara..."

"What?"

"What is going on?" John asked.

And I burst into tears.

It took me completely by surprise. It was as if the sadness had been hidden within me, just beneath my bones, and when Damien's question had eroded the bones away, the sadness was set free, free to go any way it wanted, releasing itself through my eyes in the form of tears and my mouth in the form of a senseless crying.

But apparently, John and Damien were prepared, because they immediately sat down on either side of me in the couch, handing me a tissue to wipe my tears. John even poured some tea with a generous amount of honey and lemon in it; he knew how I drank it. I knew how Hashirama drank his, with sugar and oat milk. I knew Tobirama only drank black coffee and the stars.

"I'm sorry", John said. "I didn't mean to upset you. We just love you so much, it's unbearable to see you like this."

"You don't have to talk to us, but know that we are here", Damien said. 

And suddenly, it all came out of me.

"I love them! I love them both so much! And I can't know for sure, but I think both of them like me, too! And I can't live with myself if I have to choose! And I can't live with myself if I'm without them! I'm stuck! I don't know what to do! And at the same time, it's crystal clear! I must leave! It's not fair on any one of you! It's such a childish situation it's unbearable!"

I hadn't even known about my desire to belong to both of them simultaneously until then. But suddenly, it was crystal clear. I wanted something unobtainable; a life with both of them.

I cried and cried and cried, while my friends just held me. 

They didn't say anything about what they thought. They just seemed to accept me the way I was. 

"Madara?" Damien asked.

"Mmm?"

"You know Tobirama went viral, right?"

"Mmm?"

"It... It was about you."

I turned to look at him.

"What?"

"He did not go viral just because of his angelic fucking voice or his ragged good looks. He went viral because he had been so clear about the fact that they had made this song for someone. It started a rumour as to whom. You're the public's main guess."

"Me?"

"Have you actually watched the video?" John asked.

"No", I confessed.

It was true. The feeling of being left out had prevented me from prying further, afraid it would hurt too much. I had known the band went viral and nothing more. I had just used it to our advantage in our marketing strategies. 

"The film shows your face as you realise. You were right at the stage at that point so you were an easy catch. People love that sort of potential love story."

"It's not a potential love story", I murmured.

"You opinion is beside the point", Damien said. "We just wanted you to know."

Something suddenly struck me.

"You think Tobirama did it on purpose?" I asked. "To make you go viral?"

"Haven't asked, but highly doubt", John said. "He's not a man to go out of his way for online attention. The fact that he did what he did is already remarkable. The thought of him doing it because he wants a video of him to be played online over and over even more so."

I considered this for a moment.

"What should I do?" I asked.

"We can't say what you should do about Tobirama and Hashirama", John said mildly. "But please, don't leave us. At least not for this reason. If we can help you in any way, we will. We can have all meetings over phone or e-mail. Anything. Just please. We're having out break-through and we need you."

I was silent for a while, drying my tears with my sleeve. Then, I nodded.

"Of course", I said. "Of course I won't leave you."

They hugged me, and I hugged them back. 

We actually spent the rest of the evening playing Xbox. It was a long time ago I had so much painless fun. 

Tobirama kept ignoring me for most of the time, and was very polite when he couldn't. I kept seeing Hashirama for films, but we didn't fuck. I met with Damien and John once a week and played Xbox. It was an era of my life involving good company but little else. 

It was summer, and I was on their first arena concert. It wasn't a Coldplay show with four back-to-back outsold shows, but they had sold out their one show, and the arena suited them so well. Tomorrow, they would get incredible reviews in both national and international newspapers. 

I was just by the stage, taking pictures when they took a bow. But before they left, Tobirama whispered something to a guard. I had no idea what it could be, but I should have had one considering I had seen Hashirama whisper to guards in exactly the same way before after shows.

We were sitting backstage, them in two sofas facing each other, me on a chair to the side as always, not wanting to be too mixed up with their successes. Then, the guard that Tobirama had talked to came, and with him he had the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. Tall, thin, with black hair and a pierced lip. Tobirama immediately stood up, put his hand on the small of his back and walked him away from us.

"Did... Did that just happen?" Damien asked, gaping. "Did Tobirama just bring a fan backstage?"

"Looks like it", Hashirama said through gritted teeth. I thought it was out of jealousy, that he also wanted a fanboy backstage. Had I asked him, though, Hashirama would have told me he was angry for my sake. 

I wasn't thinking about asking anyone anything, though. I was too busy preventing tears from falling down my face.

I have to stop doing this. 

I stood up and left.