"I'M SO SORRY, DIPSHIT," AARON said. "I shouldn't have coerced you into going on those slopes, I—"

       Skylar elbowed him. "What he's trying to say is that we won't force you to try athletic activities again."

       "Seriously, guys," I said, grinning as I hugged them both. "I'm fine. Where's Cody?"

       Cody had apparently drawn the short stick when it came to collecting everyone's baggage. "Oh, don't mind me," he said. "I'm just slaving away. Skylar, the fuck is in your bag? Seventy pounds of bricks?"

        "No," Skylar said primly. "It's my hair products and hygiene. A girl has to take care of herself, unlike the disgusting male species."

        "Sky!" called Lila from the other end of the parking lot. Our classmates were swarming the buses, hauling backpacks and suitcases towards their respective cars. A few people whistled, and the teachers kept trying to rein in the crowd. To no avail.

        "That's my girl," Skylar said, smiling in a way I'd never seen before. "I gotta go. See you, losers."

        I kissed her before she walked away, and she squeezed my fingers.

        "Party tonight?" I asked.

        "Why is that even a question? Of course there is."

         And then Aaron, Cody and I were left alone. But only for a few minutes, because I could see Mrs. Beckham's soccer van pull up in front of the curb.

        "Talia dear, do you need a ride home?"

        "No, that's okay," I said. "My mom is gonna pick up me and Claudia. See you tonight, though, Cody."

        "You can count on it."

        I'd known my friends for five years. And although I loved them to death, I knew something was off here. They were acting too suspiciously calm about the break-up, as if they didn't care.

        Or as if they didn't know at all.

       "Aaron?" I asked, once we were alone.

       "Yeah?"

       Someone shoved past my shoulder, and I stumbled a little. I'd been leaning my weight on my left leg, thanks to the mild sprain. Once Monroe and I had arrived, almost exactly at the same time as the buses, she'd kissed my forehead goodbye and gotten out of the car without another word.

       Aaron reached forward to steady me, one hand warm on my shoulder. "I really am sorry, Tal."

      "It's not your fault," I said, looking for any signs of hurt, betrayal. I want to break up with you. "I agreed to come with you. Don't worry about it."

       He smiled a little and ducked down to kiss me. Stunned, I couldn't help freezing. His lips were on mine for a second, but it felt like a lifetime. What the—

       I moved to push him away, but he withdrew at the same time, so it seemed as though I had just planted my hands on his chest.

       From the corner of my eye, I noticed Monroe. 

       "Aaron," I gasped, and I stepped back in horror. "What was that?"

       "My apology kiss?"

       "I—I said I wanted to break up with you."

       His hazel eyes widened. "You were serious?"

       "Yeah, I—I'm sorry. I wanted to—"

       Now he stepped back in horror, too. "You weren't kidding?" 

       "No, I—"

       "Oh, my God, Talia, I'm so sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to kiss you like that—I really thought—I didn't think you were for real."

       "I'm so sorry, Aaron."

       "No, I'm sorry. Christ. That was an asshole move of me."

        I heard the familiar honk of Mom's car: "Talia! Honey, get in, I don't have all day."

       Claudia was already in the backseat, so I stumbled back from Aaron. "I've got to—um, go."

       "Okay," he said, seeming dazed. "See you at the party tonight?"

       "Yeah," I stammered. "Um. Yeah." Then I tossed my duffel bag into the car through the window, and I shoved Claudia aside so I could climb in.

       "How was the trip?" Mom asked.

       I opened my mouth—and then the tears overflowed. I had started crying. In front of my mother and sister.

      "Talia?" Mom's eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. "Baby? What's happening? Is it your period?"

      "I broke up with Aaron," I said, and I didn't know why I was crying: it didn't even have anything to do with him. It just felt like the only thing I had to say.

      Claudia coughed. And then rolled down the window, just so she could lean her whole head out, wind whipping her hair, and scream, "Yes!"

      "Clauds, that is not appropriate," Mom hissed.

      "Shut up, Mom," Claudia said, and I knew she'd get in trouble later. "Do you even care about how unhappy she's been these past four months, or are you just upset that she broke up with her boyfriend because maybe she'll be able to express herself now?"

       "It's fine, Claudia," I said, my voice catching on a sob. The worst part was, none of this had to do with Aaron. It just felt like every pent-up emotion I'd felt over the past few months, rising up all at once. "Really. It's fine."

      "Don't you dare talk to me like that, young lady," Mom said.

      "No, Mom, let me ask you a question. Did you like Aaron as her boyfriend because he's good for her, or because he's a boy? That would make her normal, wouldn't it? That would make her natural?  Fuck that."

      "Claudia!" Mom barked.

      With the windows rolled down, the tears on my cheeks stung cold. The wind swirled Claudia's hair, turning her cheeks bright as she repeated, "Fuck that."

       "You're grounded, young lady."

       "No!" I said. "Stop. Claudia doesn't mean it. She's just defending me."

       Mom's eyes were blazing as they met mine in the rearview mirror again. "You've influenced her, Talia. This sexuality thing is rubbing off on her. You're supposed to be an idol for your little sister."

       Everything in me shattered.

       Because I had been crying, I had just felt every single goddamn emotion inside of me boil, but now she was accusing me—again—of being contagious?  Implying that my sexuality, that liking girls, was some kind of virus?

      I couldn't do this. Not again.

      I had just broken up with Aaron, and I—I liked a girl I'd tried not to like. I liked a girl who I had spent four fucking months avoiding, fighting, hating, just so I could be normal to my parents. Because whether they'd meant it to or not, their words had affected me.

       There shouldn't be so many gays in this show. It's just not realistic.

       I support gay rights and all, but I wouldn't want my kid to be one of them.

       Girls liking girls just isn't natural. 

       Just isn't normal.

       I'd taken all of those fucking words to heart. I'd absorbed them. And everybody had been able to see it but me.

       "Stop the car," I said, breathing hard. "Stop the fucking car."

       Mom pulled off towards the side of the road. She didn't even protest.

       I said, "I like girls. It isn't a phase. I'll like girls forever, and you can't change that. It wasn't a choice, but it's not something I'd want to change either. I spent so long pretending it away. But I like girls, okay? I might even want to love one, one day. So if you can't accept that, you can't accept me."

       Claudia laced her fingers through mine. 

       Mom's jaw turned to steel. "Talia, I don't know what you think this is—"

       "I'm not kidding, Mom," I said. "I've had enough of your bullshit. Relearn the way you think of the world. I don't care. But I deserve that. We deserve that. Go talk to a support group. Go to a gay bar. I don't care. But don't take out whatever the hell is wrong with you on me—on us. Because girls liking girls and boys liking boys is just about the most natural thing there is. And if you can't accept love, then I don't know what to tell you."

        I didn't know what Mom would say to that. Maybe she'd get angry—maybe she'd argue again. But she only fixed her eyes on the road, and she pulled the car back onto the street.

        Without a single word.

        Claudia and I exchanged a glance. And then Claudia grinned—a sharp curve of her mouth, almost like she'd learned from Monroe—and said, "By the way, Mom? I'm a lesbian too."

       CLAUDIA REALLY DID END UP grounded. Mom's reasoning was using disrespectful language.

       Swiveling around on her desk chair, I said, "Hey, could've been worse. She could've dropped you in a pit of vipers or something."

       "I think I'd rather the pit of vipers," Claudia responded. "It'd be better than sitting here, waiting for the New Year to tick by. All alone."

       "What about your girlfriend to keep you company?"

       Claudia's eyes snapped to mine. "You know about Amita?"

       "Yeah," I said, giving her an obnoxious wink. "Big sisters know everything."

       She threw a pillow at my head. "I'm jealous. Everyone is going to Skylar's party tonight. Except me."

       "I'm not going," I told her. "I'm going to stay right here with you."

       Unlike the aw, how sweet response I'd been aiming for, Claudia smacked my face. "What the fuck?"

       "What?"

       "You just broke up with Aaron. Are you really just going to waste this opportunity to get with Monroe?"

       "That'd be a bitch move, getting with a girl only hours after I break up with my boyfriend."

       "This has been coming for a long time," Claudia snapped. "Kiss her to ring in the New Year's, how about that? That's innocent."

       "Kissing Monroe is in no way innocent."

       "Why? Know from experience?"

       I bit back the words: I wish. "Even if I wanted to . . . I don't think she does." And I told Claudia about Monroe's distant attitude this morning.

       "You gave her literally five seconds to process," Claudia said. "And then she saw Aaron kissing you in the parking lot."

       I winced. "She has to know I didn't expect that."

       Claudia seemed two seconds away from grabbing my shoulders and shaking the life out of me. "No, she doesn't! You have to go find her and tell her! Tonight!"

      "But you'll be all alone—"

      "You kissing Monroe would make this all worth it. Besides, Amita is going to sneak into my room later and bring me some stolen champagne. So I definitely don't want you here."

      "Are you sure?"

      "Yes, I'm fucking sure. Go put on that sexy black dress Cody got you for Secret Santa and make love to Monroe."

      "Whoa," I said.

      "What?"

      "I think that's the first you haven't referred to sex as bing-bang-bonging."

       LIKE SHE SAID, I PUT ON THE sexy black dress that Cody had gotten me. But as I got in the car that evening, driving myself to Skylar's, I felt the chill snake up my legs.

       Breaking up with Aaron had been the right thing. And it hadn't only been for Monroe, but myself. Being with a boy . . . I knew now that if it hadn't worked between Aaron and I, it wouldn't work with me and any boy.

       I'm a lesbian. My fingers tightened on the steering wheel. I am a lesbian. I like girls and only girls. 

      By the time I got to Skylar's house, the party was in full-force. But my chest was trembling, and I had to lean back against the seat. Tipping my head up as fireworks exploded somewhere from Skylar's backyard.

      A laugh crawled out of my throat. "I'm a lesbian," I whispered.

      I should have known. When had I ever truly felt any attraction for boys? 

      Distasteful. I'd called boys distasteful. I'd thought of their kisses as friendly. I hadn't even been able to make myself say I love you to Aaron. He hadn't deserved that.

      "I"—a breath—"am a lesbian."

       I laughed, and I kept laughing. Because all this fucking time, I'd been so goddamn hard on myself. But it all made sense now. The girls I'd admired, the way I'd found Monroe irresistible. Straight girls didn't do that. Straight girls didn't blurt out, I'm straight!  because they were afraid they might not be. Straight girls didn't check out other girls' asses, and fantasize what it would be like to fuck them senseless against a library table.

       "I'm a lesbian," I said again, and it didn't feel like a dirty word. It felt like something new, something beautiful. A girl who likes girls. What was so wrong, so unnatural, about that?

       When I got out of my car, I felt more like myself than I had in my whole life. Calm. Confident, even.

       I needed to find Monroe.

      WHEN I GOT TO THE KITCHEN, Skylar was holding some girl hostage. 

      "You were trying to smuggle a bottle of my finest champagne?"

      The girl, pressed against the fridge door, bit her lip. "I—I didn't know this was yours—"

      "Bullshit,"  Skylar said, eyes burning, although I had no idea why. I knew she didn't give a damn about people stealing alcohol. In fact, she even encouraged it. 

       "I'm—I'm sorry," the girl stammered. As I approached from behind, I noticed she had brown skin and pretty white teeth. Her hair was dark, the colour of a raven's wing, and her eyes were enormous, long-lashed and glossy. She could've been a model.

       "Tell me, Amita," Skylar whispered. "Who invited you to this party?"

       Amita. It suddenly made sense.

      "My friend—he—"

      "Who's Claudia Decker?"

      "She's—um—a—"

      "Wrong answer," Skylar hissed, leaning even closer to Amita. "Try again."

      "My girlfriend," Amita said, almost crying. "My girlfriend. Please—don't—"

      Skylar smiled, and it was the terrifying kind. It said, I am going to scatter the ashes of your body across the Atlantic. 

      "If you hurt her," Skylar whispered, "if you so much as give her heart a hairline fracture, I will end you. Do you understand?"

      Amita nodded frantically. "I—I understand."

      "No, I don't think you do." Skylar tilted her head, almost politely. "Do you know how many internal organs you have?"

      "N-no—"

      "Seventy-eight." Ah, yes. The wolf's smile had come out. "I will cut each and every one of those seventy-eight organs out of you while you are still alive, and I will sell them on the black market. Do you know how much a human organ costs?"

      "No," Amita sobbed.

      "That is the difference between you and I," Skylar whispered. "Keep that in mind."

      Then she let Amita go, and Amita scrambled to get away.

      "Wait," said Skylar.

      Amita turned, as slowly as a deer who knew it had been caught.

      But Skylar tossed her the bottle of champagne. "Go on. Bring it to Claudia, and tell her I say hi."

      Once Amita had disappeared, I settled at Skylar's side. She kissed me hello and said, "What'd you think?"

      "Definitely sociopathic territory."

      "I thought I would intimidate her a little."

      "A little?  I think you just made her shit her pants."

       Skylar frowned. "Speaking of, I don't like her. She doesn't have enough guts to match your sister's energy. Claudia deserves someone better."

       "That's quite protective of you."

       Skylar just shrugged. "What can I say? I take care of my own."

       I wondered when she had started considering Claudia her own. I thought it was sweet, but—there was something else on my mind. "Do you know where Monroe is?"

       "I haven't seen her around, no."

       Shit. I was over an hour late. If Monroe wasn't here yet, was she coming at all?

       I had to find her in time for the New Year countdown.

       "Oh," Skylar added. "Aaron told me. About the breakup. I'm sorry."

       "It's fine," I said, waving her away before realizing that wasn't the kind of dismissive gesture one gave after breaking their boyfriend's heart.

       Although . . . Aaron hadn't exactly seemed heartbroken.

      "I mean . . ." I continued. "I'm sad, but I think it had to happen."

       Before Skylar could question that, I kissed her cheek and darted away. It was almost eleven o'clock, and it felt like . . . it felt like if I didn't find Monroe soon, before this year ended, I'd lose her forever.

       I didn't know what I was going to tell her. But maybe I wouldn't need words.

***

Fireworks. Do you hear me? FIREWORKS.

From the moon and back,
Sarai