I wake up gasping for air, my heart is pounding and I'm sweating like I just ran a marathon. I wipe at my face tears sliding down. Fucking dreams. It was about Benjamin Watts, the guy who hurt me. We were at the trial and half way through his face it changed. I feel sick thinking about it, his face morphed into Jace's like some sick and twisted movie. The face change replays in my mind and my stomach churns. I start coughing, like a dry heave my body is stuck so if I throw up it's going on my bed. I can't though nothing comes up, but the coughing won't let up.

Henry comes in without knocking, he's got a glass of water in his hand as I continue to cough. I look like a cat trying to cough up a hairball and nothing comes out. I'm pretty sure I sound like that too. Henry rubs my back trying to calm me down. I sit back when the sensation stops and he hands me a glass of water. I take slow sips in between sharp breaths.

"I'm so sorry we can't be there today," he says with a sigh. "I have a meeting with Roger," he says. "I'm sure you know why," he says.

I nod between sips.

"You should... you should...," my throat hurts, but I try to continue. "You should do it, you'd make a great club owner," I get out.

"You think so?" he asks. I nod.

"I think it's a great idea," I say.

"What about you, are you going to be my employee?" he teases.

I laugh, I can't help it. He nudges me and throws an arm over my shoulder. I'm still not sure if I'm going to accept that position, although it would be nice and I'd get paid a ton more, I'm hesitant. I worry that when Jace, if Jace ever returns to the city that he'd visit the club. I worry that I won't be good enough for it to be successful. In my parents eyes I'm a big failure, and as good as I am at something it still feels not good enough.

"Can I think about it?" I ask.

"Of course, he says he's not leaving until the summer so we have plenty of time," he tells me.

"Look at us soon to be club owners," he says.

"We could get a nicer place, and you could have your own room," I say.

"My own room," he says with a sigh.

"Are you okay?" he asks. I shake my head.

"I don't think it will ever be okay to be honest," I say. "I'm so nervous my stomach hurts."

"Whatever happens I will do everything I can to protect you. Nicole and you, your my world and I will do anything to keep the two of you safe," he tells me.

"Soon you guys will want your own place though, and I'll be on my own," I say.

"Who says we want our own place, it isn't home without you," he tells me.

"You're just saying that because of the state I'm in. Believe me you guys are going to want to be alone. What happens when you get married..."

"Married, we just stared dating you nut," he teases.

"I'm no sister wife," I joke. He laughs.

"You don't have to be to live with us, we'd get a place that has space for everyone. If we can keep this club going at the rate it is, we'll have a new place in no time," he says. "It'll work out," he tells me. "And who knows by then you'll meet the man of your dreams," he tells me.

I snort, "At this point I'm thinking maybe I should date women, the men in this world are god awful. Minus you," I say poking at his sides. He squirms but smiles.

"You'll find someone. And if you're going to bat for the other team stay away from my girl would ya? I see the way you two look at each other..."

I smack his arm and laugh, actually laugh. Leave it to Henry to help bring me out of a funk. He sits with me for a bit longer before he has to get ready for work. Nicole already left she had an early meeting. I think they want to promote her but she didn't say much last night she was too worried about me.

When I finally get out of bed I notice the sky is gray and the impending clouds scream rain. April showers I guess. I shower and get ready and by the time I have to leave I feel like I might start dry heaving again. I don't eat because my stomach would defy me and I'd probably lose my breakfast. I can wait till after.

***

I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I watch the subway train speed into the station it blurs and I almost miss getting on it when it stops. I walk into the crowded train of commuters attempting to make it to work on time. There's no space I feel like I'm in a sea of people and can't get out. Each stop gets worse not better, I'm pushed forward and back. I'm in such a daze I barely know what stop I'm on. As we pull into each station I attempt to read the signs and it blurs. I'm in the center of a bunch of sweaty New Yorkers, and being short doesn't help. People get on, they get off the crowd moves back and forth. We are all touching each other and if I wasn't so zoned out I'd probably have a panic attack. Or maybe I already am.

I almost feel drunk or high. I'm waiting to see unicorns running through the subway stations or rainbows and butterflies zooming past the window. I wait for the 3D effects they show in movies when someone is high, but nothing comes. The train jolts and we all bump into each other, there's not even an inch of space between each person.

I nearly miss my stop as I try to push through the crowd. I stumble out onto the platform just as the door closes, and the train zooms away. I probably look like a zombie from the Walking Dead. My feet feel like they are dragging along the concrete platform. People push their way around as I zig zag through the maze of a station. I take the stairs one at a time pissing people off in the process. They curse and swear and if I wasn't so zombified I probably would have cursed them out.

The walk to the court house seems long. It starts to drizzle and I've forgotten my umbrella. The skies are crying for me. I walk up the steps of the court house in a daze and meet with my lawyer. She's standing at the top of the stairs. Her brown hair bounces as she talks, her arms move like she's telling an animated story. I just nod and shake my head. My mind seems to know what she's saying, but all my ears hear is a rush of air flowing through them.

She walks me over to a bench and we sit and wait. I see many people walking by they are all talking but it all sounds like garbled nonsense to me. I think the lawyer is talking to me, her name is Jeanie. My Aunt and Uncle paid for her, they would be here today but they couldn't close the store. I told them not to. They said I was in good hands with Jeanie. I think I am. She's still talking and I'm still nodding. A man comes over and speaks with her for a brief minute. She turns to me and just like that my body stands and is on the move again.

I wish my mind would snap out of this, because although I'm numb to everything happening around me I feel like I can't function like this. It's a weird feeling. We walk into a court room and I feel like the walk to the front takes years. Everyone is staring, but who's everyone. I have no clue who these people are. The only face I recognize is the one I don't want to recognize, nor do I ever want to see it again. I tense.

We sit down at the front and the judge comes out. He's old white hair white beard. He looks angry like he doesn't want to be here. He starts and speaks to the lawyers. I think hear Benjamin Watts speaking, that's the man that hurt me. Scarred me for life.

I'm starting to worry, what if I'm having a stroke or something? This is getting weird I can't snap out of this daze. I say something, what am I saying? My mouth is moving but my mind can't keep up. The lawyer says something, his lawyer says another thing. Oh my god I think I'm going to pass out or throw up for real this time.

"One year in prison," I hear the judge say. "And a fine of twenty-five-thousand dollars," he adds.

My lawyer acts like it's a victory, I guess in some ways it is. I don't look at the man as we exit the court room. Things are starting to look and feel kind of normal again and the pain has returned. My chest tightens and my heart pounds hard in my chest. I definitely feel faint. All the blood rushes out and I have to hold onto the wall as we exit the room.

"Are you okay Miss Montgomery?" she asks.

"Yeah. Thank you for your time," I tell her.

"We will set up a meeting in my office to go over some things, but for now we got some justice at least," she says.

"Yeah, we did," I say lying through my teeth.

So what he goes to jail for a year and when he gets out he'll either come back for more, or stalk another girl. Maybe this time that said girl won't be so lucky, she won't be able to get him for all he's done to her. It may seem like a good thing, but I can't shake the feeling that it's not over.

I'm starting to feel my body again as she says goodbye. I need to use the bathroom and almost run into them bringing him out in handcuffs. I spin my body and push it up against the cold cement wall. I wait for them to take him further before heading to the bathroom. Once inside I splash some cold water on my face. When I look up I'm so pale I almost think I'm a vampire. My eyes are red, but I don't remember crying.

A toilet flushes and I jump. I need to get out of here. I step back out into the hallway and the place looks normal again. Heels click on the tile floor. People walk around me dressed all in fancy clothing. Me, I'm just wearing a black dress like I'm going to a funeral. My black dress and docs of course.

I step out of the courthouse and the rain drenches me the moment I hit the step. I'm going to have to run to the station. It's only a block or two so it shouldn't be too bad. I take the steps slow because I'm dizzy again. Everything is back to normal though. I can hear real sounds like the sound of a fire engine in the distance, or the annoying sound of a cab driver beeping his horn. I hear the rain falling, and I can smell it too.

I hit the sidewalk and that's when my eyes find a familiar face in the distance. It's like my dream, but I think it's reality. Jace stands at the edge of the sidewalk across the street. It's the city so the other side of the street seems far away, and there are so many people that he keeps disappearing for a quick second before reappearing. My stomach churns and I find myself looking for a place to throw up. I walk back towards the court house and along the wall right next to the steps it all comes up. I'm not sure what comes up because I've only had a few sips of water, but whatever it is it burns hard. I barely notice the rain now, it almost feels as if its stopped.

Instead of touching me he kneels down next to me right where I'm throwing up like it's not bothering him at all. I wipe my mouth and look at him. Our eyes meet and I'm assuming they did that thing again where they tell him it's okay to touch me even if I don't want to be. His one hand runs through my hair to pull it back slightly. I'm pretty sure I'm done, but now I feel hungry. I look up at him again, in his other hand he's got an umbrella and it hoovers over mostly me, and some of him. I stand up straight, his hands still holding onto my hair. It's been just about a month since I've seen him and I hate that stupid feelings come rushing back in. They turn angry fast though. I stand up straight and smack him in the chest hard. I do it a few times, he stumbles. His face remains blank as I hit him. He's not amused, not anything he just watches like he knows he deserves this.

"Is anyone here with you?" he asks after I finish my tantrum.

I shake my head.

"I should have stayed," he says. I'm not sure if he's talking to himself or me.

"C'mon let's get you home," he says.

For some reason I obey. I don't want to ride the subway home again. It's well passed rush hour now, but I'm not feeling well enough to trek back by myself. I thought I could do this on my own, but I guess I was wrong. Once again I need someone to come to my rescue.

He puts an arm around me and keeps the umbrella over us both. I can see Frank's van in the distance, I'm surprised he's still driving it. We cross the street and almost get hit by a taxi because he believes he's a true New Yorker who can race across when the red hand pops up.

"You have to have skill to pull that one off," I tell him.

He laughs, and I like the sound. I've missed the sound of his voice and his laugh. It sounds ridiculous, but unfortunately it's true. I HATE that its true. Maybe it's just a comforting sound because it's familiar, and I need something familiar right now. I kind of wish I could go back to that numb feeling, but here I am back to myself getting into Jace's car and feeling everything in my body buzz like the last time we were together.

We drive in silence, minus the light music from the CD we listened to when we went upstate. That seems like it was forever ago. Sometimes I think it really didn't happen, that it was all just a dream.

Thankfully there's a spot in front of the apartment so he pulls in. My stomach growls loudly and I cover it with my hand. He laughs again.

"Are you hungry?" he asks and all I have the energy to do is nod.

"I would say let's order sushi or Chinese, but after barfing I don't think that's such a good idea," he says.

"I'm okay. I was nervous and it made my stomach hurt," I finally say.

"Are there any delivery places?" he asks.

"Yeah, we've got menus," I say.

"Do you want me to come up with you?" he asks.

I shrug. "It's whatever," I tell him. I'm not just going to jump into being nice, I can't.

He gets out of the van and before I can open my door he's already doing so. I nod and step out. We walk quietly up the few flights to the apartment. Without any conversation I head to the menu drawer and pull out one from the Japanese places a few blocks over. They have delicious sushi, and I trust them because their store is actually clean.

"They are a bit pricy, but..."

"It's fine. I'm paying," he tells me.

I open my mouth to protest, but then stop. We place our order over the phone and then head to the couch to relax. I pull my Doctor Who blanket over me hoping Nicole and Henry haven't used it for any more of their fun. We sit in silence staring at the wall in front of us. The TV stays off and I'm not really sure what to say.

"Is Henry taking the job?" he asks.

"I don't know," I say flatly.

"I recommended him to Roger. I think he'd do well. He loves that club more than I ever could," he says. "And what about you?" he asks.

"Why would you even suggest me? I don't get it," I say.

"I can see your face while you're there every night. You'd have so much fun planning themes and maybe even taking the club in a different direction," he says. "I think you and Henry would make a perfect team," he says.

I nod, not sure what to say. Another beat of silence passes.

"How long are you here for?" I ask.

"Not sure," he says.

"Oh," I say my voice squeaks.

"Look I..."

There's a knock and the door, saved by the sushi. I push myself off the couch to answer the door. Jace pulls his wallet from his back pocket and hands the delivery guy some money. I grab drinks and napkins while he sets up the food on the coffee table. We take the next twenty minutes to eat in silence. It should be awkward, but it's not.

"He'll be in jail for a year," I say. "They think that one year is going to teach him to be the man he should be. Like that one day he's just going to wake up and say that was a stupid thing I did and I'm ready to be a better person," I ramble. "They fined him, and then that's just it. In a year he'll be walking around the streets of New York again either looking for me for putting him in jail, or looking for a new girl to harass," I continue. "I wish he'd rot in jail forever you know? I just..." I sigh.

"God I need to bake, you in the mood for brownies?" I ask.

I've eaten maybe two spicy tuna rolls and barely touched my miso soup. I stand and start for the kitchen. Jace has a piece of noodle hanging from his mouth as he watches me move around the kitchen.

"Cocoa got to find the cocoa, measuring cup, oil, my pan, fuck what else do I need. Okay here's the flour. Sugar I need sugar. Um... it's got to be here," I say. "Fudge okay? Like double fudge or something? I could put nuts in the brownies, or chocolate chips for an extra crunch..."

Arms wrap around me without my consent. I want to hit him again like I did at the court house but something stops me. I think it's the tears that come followed by a loud sob. My body becomes dead weight in his arms, but he steadies me. He tries to keep hold, but I slip down and onto the floor, my legs falling under my body. He comes down slowly with me and makes a spot for himself in front of me. He waits and my eyes lift to his. I close my eyes for a second and then open them. He opens his legs and when he pulls me into him I slide right between him. I bury my head into his chest and cry.