CASSIE'S POV

"Napaka-perfect niyo talaga together!"

"Nakakainggit ang relationship niyong dalawa!"

"Mapapa-sana all na lang talaga kami."

I'm so used to hearing those compliments from our families, friends, colleagues, churchmates and even friends of friends about our relationship. But I will never be so used of being proud to be the girlfriend of Finn.

Sa lahat ng mga lalaking sumubok mapa-oo ang babaeng ideal sa paningin ng mga tao—beautiful face, curvy body, statuesque height and intelligence, si Finn lang iyong hindi ako nagustuhan dahil sa panlabas kong anyo. He knew me even from my weakness and worst, yet still continued loving me. Hindi ako nainsulto sa pagpaparamdam niya ng interest noon dahil pinatunayan niyang hindi niya ako minahal just because of my looks. 

He's unlike any other man.

"Nako. Salamat sa Lord! It is the Lord who gave him to me." I smiled to the couple in front of me. They are our colleagues and part ng barkada kaya nandito rin sila.

"Grabe ka mahalin ni Finn! Wala kang makikitang kakulangan!" saad pa ni Helen.

Finn and I just celebrated our seventh year of being together and awhile ago, I just said 'yes' to his engagement proposal. He just made a surprise for me in which he never failed to do.

Every month kung ano-ano ang pakulo niya—iyong fireworks na sumusulat ng happy monthsary with I love you; iyong pagsakay namin sa hot air balloon tapos sa ere ay mayroong mas maraming nakaabang na hot-air na may nakalaylay na malalaking tarpaulin ng pictures namin and messages niya for me; he even paid for dolphins to dance with him in front of me sa subic; brought me under the seawaters for me to see an artwork he made using shells and sea stones and many more extraordinary efforts.

Pero mas pasabog t'wing anniversary. Tulad ngayon, pasabog kung pasabog marahil nag-propose na rin siya at nandito kami sa tapat Taal Volcano Lake kasama ang ilang family members and few close friends.

Akala ko nga mapapa-erupt niya iyong bulkan para sa akin tapos iyong lava guguhit ng long sweet message. I laugh at that thought.

"Napaka-sweet talaga niyan ni Finn sa'yo!" dagdag pa ni Helen while giggling at pinalo ang dibdib ng nobyo na yinakap naman siya. "Ikaw? Kelan ka ba magiging ganito kasweet sa 'kin 'pag monthsary natin?!" paglalambing pa niya rito. Hinalikan naman siya nito sa noo at kinurot sa pisngi.

I can't help but stare at how close they are. Finn is indeed sweet to me when it comes to surprises, pero iyong ganito ka-sweet? The hugs, the touches, the kisses—

"Cassie!"

Lumingon ako sa tawag ng isang boses ng lalaking paborito ko sa lahat.

Lumapit si Finn na nakapagpalit na ng damit. Naka-plain white t-shirt na siya na siyang humapit sa malapad niyang mga dibdib at ang parehong manggas ay saktong-sakto sa laki nito. Itinerno niya rito ang kanyang gray short pants at itim na leather sandals.

Agad kong pinunasan ang tubig na tumutulo pa mula sa kanyang buhok gamit ang hawak kong twalya na inabot kanina sa 'kin ni Tita Fely, mama ni Finn. Lumusong kasi si Finn kanina sa lawa nang hinagis ng mga barkada naming lalaki iyong singsing na ibibigay sana niya sa akin, which is part pala ng plan sa kaartehan niyang proposal.

"Ano ba kasing naiisip mo bakit sa Taal Lake ka pa lulusong? Pahihirapan mo pa sarili mo e, magye-yes pa rin naman ako sa'yo kahit sa baso na may tubig mo lang kunin iyong singsing. Pa'no kung 'di mo nahanap iyong singsing kanina? Edi 'di ka aahon?!" Naiinis kong saad sa kanya. Ang tagal niya kasing umahon kanina kaya talagang natakot ako at kinabahan.

Kung bakit ba naman kasi kailangan ihagis ng singsing?!

He get the towel from my hand and siya na ang nagpunas sa sarili niya.

"I just want to make this memorable and... meaningful." He said while showing his charming smile. Urgh that smile!

Hinilamos ko ang kamay ko sa mukha niya at natawa naman siya do'n. Alam na alam niya kasing kinikilig ako sa ganyang ngitiang ginagawa niya.

"Dami mong alam! Meaningful-meaningful ka d'yan? Sumisid ka lang naman!" Kunwaring naiinis kong sabi at humalukipkip, keeping giggles within myself.

"Didn't you know the legend of Taal Volcano?" tanong naman niya kasabay ng paglagay ng ilang lumilipad na hibla ng buhok ko sa likod ng tainga. Medyo mahangin na rin at hindi na gaanong mainit ang pang-alas kwatrong sinag ng araw.

"Of course not. Kung naituro man 'yan sa Filipino subject no'ng elementary, limot ko na. Malamang alam na alam mo 'yan dahil historian ka."

Finn is a history professor in a prestigous university and a published author of numerous history books. He is also being invited in different seminars and conferences inside and outside the country to be an event speaker regarding history because of his broad knowledge and wisdom about his field.

But I am more proud to say that Finn is a church guy. A Godly-man indeed. He is an all around passionate servant in God's ministry from media to instrument, dancing, worship song leading and preaching. And these made me fall for him.

Of course, considering his looks and physical appearance—deep set and brown eyes, thick eyebrows, long eye-lashes, pointed nose, heart shaped lips, diamond face shape, black hair and his height, 5'10 to be exact, fit with his broad chest and huge biceps. Oh 'di ba ang gwapo ng boyfriend ko, I mean, ng fiance ko? And yes, nag-eexist siya! I will be forever grateful to God for blessing me with this man.

I heard his musical chuckles as he led me to the chairs prepared under the tent near the shore of the lake. I secretly look at his right hand behind me, which was placed a few distance away from my hips, avoiding to touch it. As usual.

Umupo kami roon at tinitigan ako ng abo niyang mga mata.

"Princess Taalita is the daughter of a great ruler named Datu Balindo in the olden times," panimula niya. "Mahilig mamangka ang prinsesa sa lawa na ito and one unfortunate day, she accidentally fell the gold ring that his father has given her, also an inheritance from their ancestors. His father did forgive her when she admitted her mistake. One day, napag-usapan nila na kailangan nang magpakasal ng prinsesa dahil matanda na rin ang datu. So, they announced to all their subordinates that anyone who would find the gold ring would be the princess' husband-to-be," paliwanag ni Finn na tila ba naranasan ang kwento dahil gamay na gamay niya ito.

"So in the end may nakahanap ng nawawalang singsing ni Prinsesa Taal?" tanong ko naman, spoiling the story for my sake.

"Yup! His name's Mulawin... You know his secret? He wouldn't find that ring if it wasn't for the help of heaven when he asked for it."

"Oh tapos?" I asked again and he chuckled once. "Anong implication no'n sa pagiging memorable ng proposal mo?" Tinaasan ko pa siya ng kilay.

"Since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up before you came in my life, I asked God if He will allow me to enter another relationship, I want that woman to be my last girlfriend and one and only wife. You know, it feels like diving an unknown water like this lake, only to look for an unknown golden ring. Hindi ko pa kailanman nakikita pero hahanapin ko, para mapasakin iyong hiniling ko." He said without leaving his eyes on me.

Naramdaman ko ang malakas na pagtibok ng puso ko, which happens everytime he's doing this to me—his stares and sincere words. Imagine, sa loob ng pitong taon, hindi pa rin nagbabago iyong kilig ko para sa lalaking nasa harapan ko.

"I promised myself, kung mahahanap ko ang singsing, tunay na ikaw na nga ang para sa 'kin." He said and gave me his saccharine smile. I can't help but to smile back at him with tears flowing from my eyes to my cheeks.

Naghintay ako na punasan niya iyon pero as usual, nakatingin lang siya kaya ako na ang gumawa.

MASAYANG NAGBABATIAN at naghihiyawan ang mga bisita rito sa restaurant ng isang private hotel habang pini-picturan nila kami ni Finn na magkatabi sa prinepare nilang upuan na nagmistulang upuan na pang-hari at reyna. Iba rin talaga ang handa ng mga tropa. I'll bet hindi ito part ng plano ni Finn na celebration.

"Isa pa! Closer!" sigaw ni Craigh na may hawak ng DLSR. I lean myself closer to Finn. "1! 2! 3!" I smiled as the flash came.

"Ano ba 'yan! Mag-fiance na kayo pero nagkakahiyaan pa kayong magdikit!" kantyaw naman ng Helen at pinagtulungan kami ng barkada na itulak sa isa't isa.

Nagkabanggan ang mga braso namin ng Finn at natatawa lang kami sa ginagawa ng mga kaibigan. Akala ko'y after no'n, lalapit na siya but he still kept a small distance between us.

"Finn akbayan mo naman si Cassie!" sigaw pa ni Kent.

Umikot ang braso ni Finn sa likod ko at pilit kong itinago ang tuwa. Hinintay kong dumapo ang kamay niya sa braso ko pero nang tingnan ko, nakataas sa gilid ko iyon at naka-peace sign.

"Cassie! Smile!" sigaw ulit ni Craigh at ngumiti na lang din ako ng bahagya.

HINDI KO MAIWASANG pagmasdan kung gaano kalapit at ka-sweet si Helen at ang boyfriend niya na kasama namin dito sa venue. Magkahawak ang kamay nila habang kausap ang iba rin naming mga kaibigan.

Aminin ko man sa hindi, naiinggit ako. I never experienced those kind of touch from Finn, not ever, as in.

"Finn!" Tawag ko sa kanya sa tabi at ngumiti, nagtataka naman siyang tumingin sa akin.

Idinulas ko ang kamay ko sa kamay niya at hinawakan iyon saka naunang maglakad. Nandito kami ngayon sa isang mall at nagpasama ako sa kanya para bumili ng isusuot kong damit para sa event na hinanda sa 'kin as a new endorser ng isang sikat na brand ng perfume.

Naramdaman kong sumusunod sa 'kin si Finn pero maingat niyang inalis ang kamay niya mula sa kamay ko. Napatigil ako at tinignan siya nang nagtataka.

"Ayaw mo ba?" I asked.

"We can walk without holding each other's hands." He gently said and smiled. "Let's go."

Lumingon naman ako sa kanan kung saan nakitang niyakap ng may paglalambing ni Craigh ang girlfriend nito na halatang napipikon na sa kanya.

"I love you," I told Finn. Nakahinto ang kotse ni Finn sa tapat ng bahay namin dahil hinatid niya ako. Akmang yayakapin ko siya pero iniwas niya ang katawan niya at dali-daling tumalikod para buksan ang pinto sa gilid.

Umikot siya at pinagbuksan ang pinto sa gilid ko. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako at bumaba.

"Goodnight. I'll text you as soon as I got home." He told me and inaantay niya akong humakbang pero nakatingin lang ako sa kanya.

"Why?" He asked.

"C-Can I h-hug you as goodnight?" I asked. He just chuckled and went straight to our gate. Siya na mismo ang nagbukas nito para sa 'kin. Wala na akong nagawa kundi pumasok sa bahay.

Iniwas ko ang tingin ko kina Craigh at paglingon ko, palapit sa akin si Kris at ang boyfriend nito.

"Cassie! I'm sorry, but Jake needs to go. Bigla kasi siyang pinatawag sa office e," Kris apologized.

"Oh! No worries! Thanks for celebrating with us, by the way!" I sincerely told the guy.

"Congrats again, Ms. Cassie!" he said cheerfully and faced her girlfriend. "I'm sorry babe, I really have to go." He said and kiss her infront of me.

Napayuko naman ako sa nakita. I felt awkward and at the same time naiinggit talaga ako.

Finn's not the only boyfriend I had. May tatlong tao na dumaan sa akin before Finn and sa kanilang tatlo, I experienced physical love languages. I also had experienced kisses from those guys, of course that's part of a relationship, right? I mean, 'di naman ako nakikipaghalikan ng may ibang tao or iyong alam kong magko-cause ng public scandal. Syempre privately.

Pero kay Finn, may ibang tao man or kami lang dalawa, nararamdaman ko at alam kong iniiwasan niyang maging malapit sa akin. 'Di ko maiwasang masaktan sa part na iyon. Minsan napag-awayan na rin namin ang bagay na ito. I'm still wondering for lots of question.

"Can't you kiss me? Come on Finn it's just a kiss!" I shouted in gritted teeth.

"Cass, please..." He pleaded tiredly. 'Yan ang palaging nasasabi niya everytime na nagagalit na ako sa kanya.

I admit, bad temper is my own monster. For years, he had seen how this angelic face and personality could turn into such untamed evil brat especially when I am filled with impatience and anger. Yet, he never give in to my toxic side nor initiated a fight. He mastered how to hold his coolness in every situation.

"Hindi ko maintindihan eh! Girlfriend mo ako 'di ba?! I just want to kiss you! Kung ayaw mo, kahit ako lang hahalik sa'yo!"

Nanatili siyang nakatingin lang sa 'kin. Which is mas kinakainisan ko.

"Tell me Finn, WHY?!" I can't help but to lash out. 'Di ko na matiis.

He doesn't want us hugging, holding hands, kahit iyong simpleng akbay 'di niya ginagawa sa akin.

"It's just a kiss, FINN! JUST A KISS! ILLEGAL BA 'YON KAHIT GIRLFRIEND MO AKO?!" Nanggigigil kong tanong.

We're here at my unit dahil hinatid niya ako. Dito ako nagpahatid instead sa bahay dahil kailangang maaga ako sa photoshoot bukas. And when I'm about to bid him goodbye with a kiss, umiiwas na naman siya. And as usual, 'yong pag-iintiate ko ay napapahiya lang.

NATAPOS NA ang celebration at ang iba sa mga bisita ay dumiretso nang umuwi ng Manila, ang iba nama'y tulad namin na kumuha na lang ng room dito sa hotel to stay for a night.

And as expected, Finn get two rooms. Each one for us. He doesn't really want to be just the two of us in a room.

"Goodnight, my future wife." He sweetly said habang nakatukod ang kamay sa pader sa gilid ng ulo ko.

"Finn..." I cooed, finding the words to continue what I wanted to say.

"Hmmm?" He responded.

I looked at his eyes and immediately looked down.

Tumalikod ako at binuksan ang pinto. Lumakad ako sa papasok at hinintay siyang pumasok. Ilang sandali pa iyon bago niya na-gets na gusto kong pumasok din siya.

He really did entered but tulad ng nakasanayan, nando'n lang siya sa bungad ng pinto.

"Do you really love me?" I asked straight-forwardly, looking at his eyes. What a stupid question, Cassie! I know and I feel that he do! I just can't help not to doubt just because of him not being touchy with me.

Paranoid lang ba ako? Tama bang nararamdaman ko ito?

"Why are you asking that, Cass?" Nagtataka niyang tanong pabalik na may bahid ng sakit sa tono.

"Why can't you just answer my question?!" I lashed out, again.

'Di ko napipigilang sumigaw sa inis 'pag 'di ko nakukuha ang gusto ko. And this thing, is really the worst in me. I can't help it. God, forgive me.

"Of course, I love you! So much! Cassie! God knows how—"

"Hug me." I said cutting him off.

Napatigil naman siya at tumingin lang sa akin.

"Hold me." I commanded.

Walang siyang ginawa. Hindi siya kumilos. Nando'n pa rin siya. Walang bakas na balak niyang sundin ang sinasabi ko.

Nagsimulang mamuo ang mga luha sa mata ko kasabay ng paglasa ko ng kung anong pait sa dila."I w-want you to... k-kiss me." Nabasag ang boses ko habang sinasabi ito. 

Masakit sa dibdib na parang nagmamakaawa ka para sa bagay na dapat kusang binibigay sa'yo ng taong sinasabing mahal ka.

"WHAT NOW?! FINN!!" I shouted in anger as tears came rushing down my cheeks.

Sa sobrang sakit ay hindi ko mapigilang huminga nang malalim at sunod-sunod. Masakit sa dibdib. Hindi ako makahinga nang maayos habang dinadama ang puso kong halos bugbugin sa sunod-sunod na mga suntok ang sarili kong dibdib.

Pero tulad ng lagi niyang ginawa, kalmado pa rin siya. At nakatingin lang. Walang balak punasan ang mga luhang siya mismo ang dahilan. Walang balak yakapin ang pusong nasasaktan.

"You just proposed to me right?! You want me to be your wife! Your woman for the rest of your life! Pero bakit Finn?! Never you have even hugged me?! Never you have kissed me?! WHY?!

"Alam mo iyong masakit ha? 'Yong ako pa ang nagbe-beg ng bagay na dapat kusa mo sa 'king binibigay!" Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. "Kaya siguro bawing-bawi ka sa surprises at efforts mo 'no? Kasi 'di mo ako kayang yakapin man lang? Finn, mukha ba akong malandi dahil gusto ko ng yakap mo? Dahil gusto ko ng halik mo? I can't explain Finn, p-pero b-bakit kasi hindi mo iyon ginagawa sa akin?" I asked in the midst of crying. Napaupo ako sa couch at doon tinuloy ang pag-iyak.

Ilang minuto rin na puro paghikbi ko lang ang maririnig bago lumapit si Finn at umupo sa tabi ko. Nabigla ako ng niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit at 'di ko maiwasang umiyak na naman.

"Shhhh..." He cooed.

Hinimas-himas niya ang braso ko para patahanin ako.  Pinaharap niya ang mukha ko sa kanya at maingat na pinunasan ang tumutulo ko pang mga luha.

"I'm sorry." He sincerely said before hugging me again.

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way dahil lang hindi kita niyayakap, inaakbayan... At hinahalikan," saad niya at huminga nang malalim. "But it doesn't mean na binabawi ko sa efforts iyong pagkukulang ko sa part na 'to..."

Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya at sinalubong niya ang mga mata ko. He wiped again the tears on my cheeks. Hindi pa rin niya inaalis iyong yakap niya sa akin, which makes me feel assured of his love. This is actually just the first time, for so long, that he hugged me like this.

"And you're right, iniiwasan kong mahawakan ka. Iniiwasan kong madikit sa'yo," paliwanag niya nang 'di nakatingin sa 'kin.

"Why? Pangit ba ako?" I dont know kung bakit ito ang nasabi ko. He chuckled at that.

"Cass. You are the most adorable woman I ever have. You're alluring... And, I'm sure that many men are drooling over you. Paano pa kaya akong boyfriend mo? Honestly..." Huminga ulit siya nang malalim na para bang hirap na hirap sa sasabihin. "Alam ko sa sarili kong anytime, my flesh always triggers me to do something unto you." Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya kaya napalayo ako nang kaunti. 

"Look, Cassie... Lalaki ako and babae ka. Naiintindihan mo naman, hindi ba?" Naguguluhan man pero tumango ako. "I don't want to do something to you without the blessing of the Lord. I don't want to kiss you if it's not in the altar. My past relationships were stained with impurities, and I don't want to do that unto you as well. I love you this much that I promised myself to present you in the Lord with purity, because that's what you deserve."

Naiiyak na naman ako. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.

"Siguro, I became 'over' in this part na hindi ko hinahawakan ang kamay mo in public places or hindi man lang kita niyayakap. After that incident happened between us, I promised myself not to touch you again." He said as a memory flashed on my mind.

"F-Finn..." I cooed as I felt enormous sensation over my body while he is busy kissing my neck.

Napahiga kaming dalawa sa sofa at nasa ibabaw ko na siya. I pushed him with the little force I have. I'm battling between my flesh and a conviction in my mind—this is not right!

I could feel his hot breath as our sweats blends. Kahit may mga saplot pa ay damang-dama ko na ang init ng katawan naming dalawa.

This should be stopped!

Alam naming dalawa na hindi pa pwede. We heard too much preachings about purity as a couple. We always attend counseling at church an submitted to the advices of our pastors and leaders. We are open to each other about remaining pure until we have the divine seal and blessing.

"Great sex is only for the context of marriage!"

"Couples! Remember this, sex before marriage is not actually making love. It is fornication! And it has an eternal effect for the both of you for it is a sin in God's eyes and in your own bodies!"

"A man o woman who made sex outside the marriage destroys the will of God! In 1 Thessalonians 4:3 says, 'For this is the will of God... that you should abstrain from fornication!"

"Even though you are both in a relationship, the question is... Why are you doing it? Are you married already?! Having sex without having been wed is just straining yourself with dirt!"

"God redeemed you! You are purified! Walk in purity!"

I could hear those lines from God's ministers in my head. Totoo nga na mahirap nang pigilan 'pag nando'n na kayong dalawa sa sitwasyon na iyon.

Ang apoy ay nagsisimula sa konting pagkiskis.

We just shared a sweet and tender kisses awhile ago and I thought it would be just there. Suddenly, we became aggresive and wanting for more. The fire within us has just ignited, which shouldn't actually happened!

"I-I'm s-sorry." Finn said as he pulled himself from me.

He immediately stood up and pabalik-pabalik na naglakad.

Napaayos naman ako ng upo at humawak sa dibdib na medyo bumaba na pala ang tela ng sandong suot ko. Napasuklay ako ng buhok ko habang kinakalma ang sarili.

I saw Finn in my peripheral view wiped his face using his palm. Nang lumingon ako sa kanya ay nagtama ang paningin namin. Lumapit siya at lumuhod sa harap ko.

"I shouldn't done that to you. I-I'm sorry..." Now he's crying.

Finn respects me so much as a woman. I knew that he really do, even when he was just courting me. That incident just happened because I made him pass his edge.

"I-I didn't know... I-I'm sorry." I apologetically said in between my sobs.

"Shhh... No... I should have tell you before so that you'd understand. We were so open about holding our purities before, but I took just this for myself. I'm so sorry baby." He said and kissed my forehead.

I could feel his respect in his touches, in his kisses. Hindi ko lang talaga naunawaan na nag-iingat lang talaga siya. I'm so thankful that he is so honest and aware of himself.

"Did you know what my name means?" He suddenly asked.

Tinignan ko naman siya at naghihintay ng sagot.

"The name Finn is a boy's name of Irish origin meaning fair or white, which can also be comparable to purity. My father, who's an Irish man gave me my name. He said that I was born out of purity, because he waited for mom until their wedding day before they ask for a baby in the Lord." He explained.

I smiled in awe. Words didn't want to escape from my mouth because of amusement.

"Did you know what your name means?"

Umiling ako bilang sagot. Hindi naman kasi ako mahilig alamin ang pinagmulan ng bagay-bagay unlike him. But I love to hear it from him.

"It actually manifest in you," he said and chuckled. "Cassandra means one who entangles men."

"Niloloko mo naman ako e!" Hinampas ko siya pero tumawa lang ang huli.

Madaya, 'yong name niya ang ganda ng meaning, bakit 'yong sa akin parang nagpapamakasalanan?

"Did you know why Finn have Cassandra?"

"Ano bang—"

"Because Finn's job is to lead his own woman who entangled him to purity towards to Lord."

-WAKAS-