library

I stood in the library....Shelves were constantly shifting, changing, people speeding by, I was out of time... In the sense that I was outside of time... Things were changing around me, shelves under my feet, reality warping...This was my mind, in a sense...A Book slid from a shelf into my hand, a book of memories.... Memories of the only one who made things right... The face that was the island on the horizon of a stormy sea....

I opened the book and flipped the pages, the smile, the eyes, the auburn hair. A tear slid from my eye and landed on the photo...

I knew no matter what... She would always be there... In my memories, in the distance...She was so real, yet so unreal... I miss the moments, the memories of her... And wished I could have gone back and fixed my mistakes... The petty fights we'd had... The times I'd pushed her away, my failures and my moments... 

They weighed on my shoulders, wishing I could undone my mistakes and apologize...

Maybe I AM a freak.... A screw up....Another photo drifted from the roofless sky, this one burned around the edges. I held it tenderly and placed it into my book of memories. I looked up, the shelves stretching into the white abyss of the sky, ash gently drifting down. I exhaled softly, my breath misting...I hate myself.... I am a freak, a monster... My mind is a mess, two personalities... Wanting to go back.... I would go back and fix everything... Everything used to be vibrant....

Now things are ashen....

My fault.... It was all my fault... I wish I could have taken back everything I'd done... I wish I could have stopped it.... I wish that with all my heart....

We'd both made mistakes, but it had been my fault... 

I was a moron.

A loser.

A jerk.

And if I could take it all back I would, no matter the price... I would do it...

Maybe I did not deserve a happy ending... Or I would need to fight for it.....

I will always be there for her no matter what.... Protecting her... Protecting her from those who would use her.... That could not change...

I looked a row of shelves and the memories... The memories of future unborn...

I let out a sigh of sadness and looked back down at the book of memories...

I am a freak.... That is the truth... And I accept it.... A freak with adhd, autism and a split personality.... 

I just want to go back... Back before my mistakes... Back to when everything was vibrant and happy.... back before my world went grey... 

A tear slid from my eye onto the book as I put it back in the shelf...

but the truth is I'll always love her....