Having sex with Jamie could have been the best experience I've ever had, in my life. But at the same time it was also the worst.

Not because of him, it was never him. I cared too much for Jamie, to ever blame him for anything and last night was no different. Plus that one moment between the two of us, was something beyond just good. It was fucking amazing (excuse my language), incredible, exhilarating, exuberant and so many more adjectives I can't even name.

It was passionate and hot, yet sincere and allusive. It was swirl of emotions, euphoric, a rush of adrenaline I'd never experienced and a high I never dreamed of obtaining, even through other means.

But, like all goods things in our lives, there is always mixture of the bad. The vile, unwanted things that appear right before our eyes, whether we want it to or not. It could be days, weeks or years later or it could happen in just a few seconds..

Or a flicker of a second.

And it could be in the form of anything. For me, it was the simplest of words yet the most devastating and ghastly of them all..

"I already have someone I like!" He said, looking away from me. I blinked, horridly confused. Jamie had someone he already liked? The revelation had shocked me to no words. Apart me wanted to believe it was some kind of joke. Throughout my life, throughout the years of being around Jamie I had never heard him mention anything about having feelings for someone else.

He never talked about romance in general, nor did he ever seemed interested. Jamie was just the kind of guy who lived his life as if it were his last days on Earth. He'd went to wild parties, drank himself to a stupor, and grind against strangers as he danced the night away.

He was too busy having fun to think about catching the feels, much less fall in love. So him announcing this made my head spin. It seemed so out of character of him, so wrong. So you couldn't blame me for thinking it was just an elaborate prank to pull my leg.

"Um are you.. Are you serious?" I asked, hoping that it was. The notion, somehow, made my empty stomach churn.

He didn't respond. With his lips tightly shut he slowly nodded, his face turning red. Gradually, the shock ebbed its clutches away from my mind, but my heart also clenched at the notion.

He's already have someone... Pain wormed its way into my chest, before spreading wildly like an infectious disease, something like I had never experienced. A cut, scrape and bruise would always paled in comparison to the physical deterioration of the soul. Piece by piece, I felt every excruciating tear fall off as if it was very own skin. 

I wanted to scream at Jamie, I wanted to push him down on the bed, kiss him hard and long. I wanted to mess with him, tease him to the point he could forget about whoever it was that stole his heart from me... That stole him from me. But I only smile at him, pretending that I was okay with this when in reality I wanted to steal him from everyone and make him mine. "Micah you okay?"

I shook my head, "I'm fine," the lie flew from my mouth, smooth and easy. I waited for the usual guilt to quickly overwhelm me, fill me with its black repugnance and consume me. It served a better distraction to the insufferable hurt devouring me alive, but when nothing happened it made me wonder... Just how far have I fallen?

Jamie frowned, "I'm sorry. We can still be friends, but it's just.." He sighed frustrated, running a hand through his cherry red hair. Distress showed in his facial features as he rummaged through his mind for the right--careful--words to say.

Is it annoying that I somehow found it cute? Is it irritating that inspite of the turmoil inside of me I wanted to comfort him? He isn't the only one dealing with conflicting emotions, so why in the world am I leaning in, touching my forehead against his? Why is my hand placed over his and the other cupping his cheek, caressing his subtle cheekbone with my thumb just to calm him down?

This isn't right, and yet I found myself doing what my instincts commanded me to do. Ugh. "It's alright," I said, "You don't have to think about it. Just say what's on your mind"

That was when he smiled. "Oh Jesus. Where do I even begin?" He chuckled softly, "Well his name is Skylar and he's one of the newest members in the group.." And he went on to a complete tangent about this person.

Jamie has talked about the group he hung around at our school before. But not in the way he told me about Skylar. Whenever he brought them up was to coerce me into being around them, saying they were nice, accepting and more real than anyone in this 'shithole of a town' as he would kindly put it.

But this time it was different, I can tell. He had this light in his eyes, a type of glint that glowed instead of flicker, like the sunlight bleeding through the glasspane window, as the curtains were pulled back. His grin went wide and lopsided and it never freaking faded each moment he spent talking about Skylar. His face beamed with excitement like I had never seen, and his voice carried a familiar sense of cheerfulness I haven't heard in a long time.

It reminded me of the old Jamie and it hurts me, it physically pained me beyond unimaginable measures to sit here and listen to him gush over a stranger he barely knew. It was ever more so agonizing when I had been by his side for nearly all of his life, but gosh darn it, I did it anyways. I kept smiling in front of him, I barreled away the monstrous ache deeper inside of my very core. Even when it consumed me, spat me back out and repeated its vicious cycle over and over.

I nodded my head multiple times to show I was listening, but I tuned him out ages ago. Simple minutes seemed like long hours, and I didn't know how long I could last in these moments of pure hell. Of screaming, and thrashing. Of fighting a raging beast that continued to keep me apart of its time of torment.

I was breaking myself into pieces, I had to say something, "You must really like him. Don't you?"

That was when Jamie stopped. He looked at me as if a doppelganger of myself suddenly materialised right before him, and then that same sickeningly sweet smile graced his lips. He chuckled softly, "Yeah I guess so" his cheeks flared as another, irritatingly cute, blush rose to his face.

A heavy sigh soon followed after his mild fit of giggles. He looked to his knees, his fingers nervously fidgeting with each other. "I'm sorry," he suddenly said after a lengthy silence, "You're my best friend Micah and I didn't want to ruin what we had going on for years. But I was so pissed at myself I needed something to get my mind off of things.."

I cut in, "Don't say any more please! Of course you're my friend Jamie! There's no way something like this is going to get in the way between our friendship!"

Plus the thought of losing you would crush me. But I can't say those last words, I just couldn't for the life of me. Panic wormed its way into my mind as a sudden realization came crashing down on me.

Had I really just said that? Had I just indirectly confessed my feelings to him? My mind was whirring. Panic shifted to paranoia and soon I was collapsing into a moment of sheer anxiety.

What if he knew? What if he read between the lines? I didn't know-- I couldn't know-- his face was as indecipherable as my own emotions. But, when he smiled gratefully, a sigh of relief was nearly tempting. Though my shoulders, unbeknownst to me, slouched underneath the relaxing tendrils that flew through my muscles, Jamie didn't noticed. Or at least pretended not to for my sake. "Thank you Micah," he said, "But can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you forget this ever happened between us?"