⚠️Trigger warning⚠️
This chapter contains the following,
-suicide
-self harm
-addiction
-mentions of abuse
If you, yourself, are struggling with any of the above, please know you are not alone. I wrote this to share intrusive thoughts. For those that struggle and feel isolated and invalidated.

  I could be good. I lived my life to be good. I was taught to follow rules..have fun, don't destroy yourself. I tried complaining less. Just get through my days as a teen. I was also taught how to live around addicts.

  It's not something I talk about a whole lot. In detail. It became a normal thing in my life. I knew of the do's, the dont's...the signs.

  I wonder why....when everyone else...can escape....why I can't...why can't I...escape? Get addicted to opiates and alcohol? Drown in it. Loose myself. Addiction kills people, and here I am....wanting it..craving it.

  I lived my life right. I didn't engage in fights. School drama I told the truth, left it at that...and didn't engage in it more. I was made out to be the uncivil one.
  Adult drama...said the truth, left it at that. I want no part of it. None. It's borish. Its consuming for all the wrong reasons. It's draining trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist.

  I find it hard. Opening up. Talking about things people tend not to care about. Being vulnerable. Foilsick- feeling ashamed of sharing to much. It's a disgusting feeling. I still, for some reason....try.

  Why do u try? Why? Like seriously...why.........

  I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I'm told numerous times in numerous ways...I'm cared about and in the same sentence. I'm not needed, I'm not wanted.....why do I try?

  Why can't I drown in a bottle. Opiates, drugs. Why can't I ruin my life and end it. One day...they will leave me. I don't blame them but I never know why. I don't know. My brain is a plague and I need a cure. It's a shit post. Staying up till 4 am. Thinking of writing a will because when I inevitably, self destruct. I'll leave behind many great things.

  I feel so guilty about it. Wanting to pass on. Feeling selfish....feeling like a burden. It's all I'll ever be anyway...but I guess I'm more of a burden dead.

  Maybe not...maybe that's part of what I tell myself to keep me here. Make my friends and family feel better about my suicidal thoughts that are left unchecked and neglected.

  Because why would it be addressed? Why not burry it behind 'your fine, you have people, you have this and that'
  Others...have it worse than me....right?....right. I'm immature...for posting these to family and friends...because people don't need to know. I begged for help. Only to be shut down.
  There was a specific night. I was...harmed, for lack of better words. Left me with nightmares for half a year. It's all kinda....coming back...but putting other people in the abusers place. Making scenerioes that haven't even actually happened and living it as if it where real.

  It's crazy how easy it is for people to love me....and totally obliterate everything I've built for myself. I don't have much to show for it either. If there where to be a movie based on how I felt....the title would be Lonely.

  It'd be about a person, who's, whole life...had people choose others over her. It happens. She coped well in the beginning realizing it's just how it's going to be. Wishing for something else...jus...wouldn't be possible..and would continue to be pointless.
  A pathetic shit post...don't think I'm not trying...to better myself. To some degree. I'm doing what I can with what I got.

  I promise I am trying.
Like really trying....and I'd still be shocked I wouldn't be chosen. I want to love people how I want to be loved. Give my all for people who don't even...want it.

  I fall for the same trap every time. A self planted one. Not everyone is out to get me. Not everyone's the bad guy. I could say all the things I know....yes still following the movie plot line.....of what it's sometimes like dealing with these intrusive thoughts. It's dark and gloomy and I know, I know there's better. I do.

  But again. I'm trying with what I got. What I have...isn't a lot. I have about $8 to my name. I been trying to get out in the world for years now. I'm trapped in a house. I have friends mostly out of state. The ones in state, again...I burden. Peeps got their own lives and I jus have to sit back and watch.

  I'm right here. Where I'm supposed to be. Trying to better my life..a life I don't even want. All I have is physical and emotional pain. Daily. Daily. It's never ending.

  I like simple things. Such as a simple day to spend with someone. Gaming. Perhaps. Movies. Sex. I like weed. I like beer and wine and love sweets. Deserts of every kind except...fruit and chocolate. That can take a fucking hike.

  I'm up for risk taking. I heard someone once say something along the lines of 'you won't succeed if you stay in your comfort zone'...I took it in litteral terms. As I gotta get out there. Do something about my life...get it to where I want it to be. I try. I truly do. I'm applying to jobs. I'm trying to moderate my likes...of sweets because it's killing me to eat them...quite litteraly.

  I can't keep weight on really. I can't be healthy. I can't function. It's out of my hands I can't change it. I deal with what I got...and what I got isn't a lot.

  I think the worst thing I've done in my entire life...is fight with my sister. You know how men sometimes deal with problems? With their fists? Well...I couldn't fucking deck her...so I kicked her...slapped her. I'd do it a lot. We would make up fast...we didn't hold grudges...help clean our war wounds. It was how we coped.

  The second worst thing I've done...is probably...listen to people. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it helps.

  Most of the time it hurts. Most of the time...it jus wrecks things. 'go ahead date my ex'...like..I didn't want to....I said no for a reason. I didn't want to cause the issue that inevitably came, when I agreed to listen.

  Listen to people? Why should I. From guys it's usually I'm pretty enough to fuck...but not date. Can't even be friends...
  Everything I've ever done...hurt people. All I did was listen. 'dont do this, do this' I tried. So hard...to jus. I don't know. I didn't want to be a burden and annoyance. I wasn't wanted if I didn't have sex. I wasn't wanted. I'm not wanted.
  I'm not special. My step dad lied to me. Made it very evident when he stopped showing up for me.
  I'm the youngest, I'm the most spoiled...right...that's why I got the short end of the stick. That's why he came to your graduation...and didn't to mine...thats why he was there for your milestones...and not for mine.
  What a load of fucking shit. I wish I smacked my head harder on those weights...in theatre. I wish I cut deeper. I wish I hit my head harder during those seizures. I wish I didn't have to fucking feel any of it.

  I was once told, my issues aren't, what's the word I'm looking for.....mm right...they aren't holding me back the way I make it out to be. Yet...at the time, I couldn't make a single, shopping trip, without...having a seizure...or feeling ill. Hot flashes and tunnel vision/hearing. I coudnt go for a simple walk or bike ride. I couldnt make it through 3 hours of school.

  I was simply trapped. Isolated. Compared to people, who didn't even have anything to do with what I was dealing with. I was a leach, I was the mooch. All because I couldn't simply...do the things...I wanted to. How can people, have so much audacity. I can't even put into words how many times I've explained how trapped I feel, only for it to be invalidated. I started invalidating myself....along with them. It's probably...how this got so bad to begin with.

  I wish I could drown in booze and opiates. I wish I could feel something other than this.
  It's suffocating. It's draining. I'm exhausted with myself. My thoughts. When I was younger, I'd be so incredibly empty, Id slice away at my hips, thighs wrists. Not deep...not to die. To feel pain. I'd smack my head...bite myself...now that I'm older I can't quite bring myself to do that again...no matter how bad I want to.

  I'd peel my skin like I used to...if I could..if I wasn't a coward...I'd peel myself...starve myself. I'd jump into traffic in the dark wintery nights, if it didn't hurt other people at the expense of my life. Drag the razor long ways once again on my wrists hoping...to cut to deep. End it.

  I wish I wasn't me.

On the opposite end. The positive out of the negative.

  I feel, strong, for still, some magical fucking reason. As distrustful as I am. I still let people in. I stay an open book....to an extent. If I show people..the dark and gloomy....it's not...it doesn't...it..just...reminds me, I'm yet again...an annoyance.

  I beleive in second chances, I try staying open and accepting.
I have my stickler veiws. People are people. They are allowed to feel. Allowed to make mistakes...repeat mistakes...it's hard sometimes...learning what went wrong and how to learn from it. It's also hard asking, others....when I get the answer it's not me...but..it ends up...being me.

  I don't neccisarily let the other stuff out of my control hold me back. I don't dread on it. I vent...but I don't dread. I have short memory so it doesn't usually stick till something triggers it.

   Positive out of the negative.

Finding reasons to keep going. I'll list mine. I'll list the simple things that make me happy that seem to bring me less joy as time passes.

°games
°cats
°gecko
°family
°friends
°deserts
°swimming
°excersizes
°art (of many forms)

Simple. I'ma simpleton.
A hopeless romantic.
Most of all...an annoyance.

That's how I see myself.

  I've got a crazy imagination, my dreams can range from sex, to fucking falling in an elevator shaft and shot out like a ping pong ball. Zombie apocalypse, to riding a fucking t Rex.
  I like some things about me. Try thinking positive and it jus falls short. For some reason, even my thoughts, feel like they fall short. Like a half written book. Part of me doesn't want to complete.

  I feel to much...to put it simply. I make the same repeat mistakes. Of trying.

  The mistakes, the lessons I never learn, and the karma....I must've done something, to deserve this. Right?

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If you've made it this far, you've probably got quite the picture. Art is by yours truly, I don't mind if you decide using it as a reference....but please...be respectful. It's a vulnerable peice I made awhile ago, I thought would fit this chapter. It is not a finished peice and at some point I may or may not finish it. I hope you enjoy the snip bit of intrusive thoughts.