People tell me that I
need some help
that I'm not right in the head because
I don't think like other people.

Ordered and in line is how
I like to live my life with lots of
cleanliness for safety and
routines I must do.

Routines that some might call
Rituals
because without them I get
Anxious.

Except
I get anxious anyway
because that's how I work
no one seems to understand.

Others don't get it when I
apologise fifteen times
for something I didn't do
because I still feel guilty.

Others can't get it if I
can't focus on schoolwork
because the pounding in my head
is all I can hear.

Like a beat for a
marching band
dum-dum, dum-dum
it goes.

And just like that I'm on a
Rollercoaster
where my emotions are out of

Control;

something I never have
so I do things
to feel like I have it.

Like wash my hands and
refold a blanket seventeen
times until that one crease is

Gone;

Like my past self
before anxiety ruled my mind
and my body
because I just can't keep

Control;
Which I ache for when it's lacking

I'm lacking;

The power I need
to keep myself in check.

Something that could
destroy me more than
Anything
is my own brain.

When I can't do anything
about the pain in my chest
and my head and my heart
and my arms and my brain.

I am left feeling
Empty
or full of emotion
until I must surely break.

Except-
I don't
and I keep on living
Just in agony.

Agony forever waiting for-
Reassurance
Safety
Love

Waiting for-
something I can't explain
something to save me from me
when only I can save myself.