Strange.

There's a strange thing that happens when you're depressed.

Your mind splits into two.

One part is who you are, who you want to be, your morals and your sanity.

The other part is a shadow version of yourself, whispering dark thoughts and anxieties into your ear until you loose your sense of self.

But that's just it.

When you loose who you are, you also loose who you were.

You can't remember anything but the darknesses, and wanting to leave but the chains tying your wrists and ankles to your bed are too heavy to remove.

So you lay there, lost, alone, and blind.

It's at this point you give up.

Nothing has a meaning any longer.

There is the part of you that is who you are now, a lost soul without a reason or will.

The other part is simply a glimpse of a memory of who you had wanted to be, but now you can't be them.

You're not worthy.

You're too broken.

You'll never become the beloved, kind, intelligent and funny girl you wish you could be.

You will always be the shunned, broken, depressed, antisocial person sitting in the back of the class hoping that if you sit in the back of the class, no one will see the scars or the glaze over your eyes.

How ironic is that?

You want someone to look at you, ask you how you are, and when you say "I'm fine" they reply with "I know you're not".

But that will never happen.

Because who would want to talk to the weirdo who's always at the back of the class alone, never taking to anyone, and never has partners for group projects.

One day, someone does.

Someone sees you.

And they say "No, you are not okay.".

But you can't trust them.

That's what your mind tells you.

They don't really care, they only want to make themselves a hero by saving the victim.

If you let them in, they will tape you up and fit you together like a puzzle, but once they're one piece away from being done, they will tear you down and leave you for another person to play with.

And so you're alone.

You're scared with no one to run to.

Even those close to you feel like they're on the other side of an invisible wall, a wall you can't pass through.

So you build walls of your own, so that you can say it's not that you're not in control, it's that you don't want to be.

So you sit alone in the highest tower of the castle behind your walls behind the invisible force field between you and the rest of the world, waiting for someone to come through, jump your walls, destroy your tower, and make you prisoner to their light.

And their light will vanish your darkness.

And so you wait.

And you wait.

And wait.

And no one comes.

And now your hope is dead.