He stared at the notebook in his hands. He had always loved her handwriting. Not because it was neat, because it wasn't necessarily neat.
He loved it because it was hers. It was her handwriting. A part of her that could be given to him in the form of a letter.

But right now, he hated it. It broke him inside to look at it. The memories of all the happy times only bought misery to him now. How long had it been? A few days? It still felt like some strange nightmare. How could she leave him like this?

He felt selfish. Could expressing his feelings for her had saved her? If he had said to her more often how much he valued her, would she have made a different decision? Would she still be here?

How long had he been in his room with the door shut? Too long. A day or two maybe. He wasn't able to go to school. He was already behind in his classes but that didn't matter anymore. She was gone. Forever. And could very well be his fault.

He glanced at the notebook that was on the bed next to him, he hadn't remembered setting it down. It was hers, but he had been given it to read. It was one of her requests in the letter she wrote before she- god he couldn't bare to think it.

He had already read a good portion of it.
How could she stand it?
The lack of sleep- staying up past midnight and getting up at 5 am. Burning the candle at both ends.
How could she stand it?
The lack of food- not eating breakfast, eating little to nothing at lunch, eating barely a meal at dinner, and if she felt she ate to much, erasing it all by forcing it up or not eating at all for the day after.
How could she stand it?
Internalizing it all- how sad she felt. How she woke up every morning with no motivation and went to bed each night hoping sleep would numb out the pain and the desire to die.

How could he stand it?
He couldn't. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand how his heart felt like a black hole, how he was unable to attend school.

He couldn't stand being here without her.

And yet. He felt he deserved it. He had watched as her self esteem lowered. He would tell her that she was smart, beautiful at times. But not enough.

He had never told her him much he loved her. Even at the time, he didn't know in what manner exactly. Best friend, brother, lover. Any worked he supposed. All he knew is that with her gone, his world fell apart.

He hadn't been eating or sleeping well at all. He hadn't said a word to his mom, Dad or little sister. He didn't want their sympathy. Sure, a part of him wanted to be held, told it was all a bad dream or some sick joke. He wanted to be told she was just in hiding. But he knew that wasn't the case.

His phone buzzed. He thought he had turned off messages. Maybe not. He slowly stood from his bed. His whole body felt weak and his head hurt. Still, he walked over to his desk and looked at his phone.

New Message:
David; hey. I know you haven't been well since. Well, yeah. But I was wondering if you would like to hang after school today? I was thinking maybe inviting Nick and Jacob as well. If you don't want to that's fine. Respond when you read the message.

He couldn't decide whether or not he hated that David had danced around the topic of what happened. If it was real, he didn't want people to act like it was bomb, because if it was, it already went off. But on the other hand, he didn't want to be told it was true. He wandered to be told it was all fake.

He stood and thought for a minute. Maybe seeing his friends after some time would be good. Maybe he could try and forget it all?
A highly unlikely fantasy, but the possibility of it was tempting.

He unlocked his phone and went to into messages. David would see that he had read the message now. No going back. He took a shake breath before typing a short response.

Sure. What time should I meet you guys and where?

David responded rather quickly
At my place. Directly after school so about 3:15

Cool.
He thought for a moment.
Thanks

No problem dude

He sighed and sat back down on his bed. So. He was going he supposed. Perhaps this was for the best. He looked at the journal again and felt a tsunami of tears want to come forth. Be he was able to fight back the tears.

He picked up the journal and put it on his desk. He would probably get back to reading it tomorrow. He checked the time. 2:53.
He would leave soon so he could walk over to David's house.

His parents offered to drive him, but he denied the offer. A 'thank you but no thank you' situation. As he left, he found the ability to feel a ghost of a smile hint at his face.