Why do I feel so cold? I'm supposed to feel warm in his arms, I'm supposed to feel safe. Then why do I feel so afraid? My soul feels smothered in ice & I can't breathe. I feel muted when I speak to him, like my words have no meaning. Is it all in my head? Maybe it is, or maybe I'm actually losing what matters most to me. I know how I am, when I jump 5 steps ahead, when I see a future that isn't yet true. But I also know that I am often right about these things. His arms don't feel warm & I'm scared, scared that I'll lose him, scared that he no longer cares. But I'm not allowed to have those thoughts, so I keep them locked away, hoping that they won't come true. But I'm usually right about these things. I've had nothing but fear since he left for college. It may just be the dark hands of insecurity wrapping themselves around my throat, whispering lies in my ear. But how do I know? Because I can not ask, because his answers don't seem to matter. He soothes my fears, then hurts me again. I can't remember the last time he tried to make me feel safe again, the last time he reminded me that he'll always keep me warm. He says "I love you", but it feels like routine. It feels like he says it because his tongue is accustomed to the sounds, because his fingers recognize the pattern. But I don't feel it like I did before & I'm afraid. Because those words still have a proper place in my heart, but I'm afraid of them now. I'm afraid because I can't reach him anymore. I'm afraid because it feels like the only one that still cares about me, is me. I don't want to lose him, I don't want to be cold like this, but here I am. Instead of speaking, I write. Instead of facing him, I lie. I lie because I'm afraid of the truth. I lie because I'm afraid of the fight, afraid of words that we don't mean, afraid of the truth hidden behind them. This is why I love fairy tales. With a kiss their story ends, & you are to assume that they lived happily forever. But in this world, loving someone isn't so simple. Love hurts, as I am now constantly reminded. Love is difficult & it's complicated, & it hurts. They say that it's always "the couple VS the problem" but how can that be when you're the only one that sees the enemy? How can that be when you're the only one that hurts, that seems to feel it? How can we fight the problem together, if I'm standing alone? But it's hard to think like this. When my spirit is so cold that my teeth shatter when I dream at night.

I'm so cold, I hate this feeling.

I'm so cold, why doesn't he understand?

I'm so fucking cold, when did I become so unimportant?

It's so cold here that I wonder. Does he still love me?