(TW: sensitive subjects, gore, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and ideations, and self harm)

I stand in the ashes of my broken reality, staring into the darkness and wondering what could happen if I wander a bit too close, if I breathe the smoke of my own burning corpse. The body of who I could've been had I been a bit stronger is burning in front of me, the flames are beautiful in a twisted way. The way they dance and taunt me, making light from my grim situation. I see others watching the flames, smiling at the warmth and brightness it brings them, but their piercing gazes cut into my flesh and draw blood. I do my best to cover the blood, but the moment they lay eyes on the blood, they try to come closer. Their eyes pierce farther and farther as they come closer, asking to help, and they pierce straight into my barely beating heart. I'm too afraid to tell them to leave, I'm too afraid for their disappointment that suffocates me. So I suffocate myself instead so I don't have to wonder when it'll happen. It's wonderful the way the colors dance in my vision as I lose my breath, the deprivation of oxygen is poetic in a way as I feel myself slipping from reality. I call for someone to pull me back, finally willing to be impaled by their affections, but no one can hear me. I'm not with them anymore, I'm somewhere far away, I'm lost in a beautiful, shimmering forest with emerald green leaves surrounding me, blocking my vision.

The forest is endless and inescapable, but I'm glad to be free from the scent of smoldering flesh and the pain of being the object of attention. I follow a trail lined with red poppy flowers and marigolds to a beautiful meadow with fruits hanging from the trees. I take a fruit and peel it apart, discarding it for the seeds. I hold the seeds in my hand and gaze at them, then take more fruits, keeping the seeds and discarding the meat of the fruits. I see a river of endless blood pouring from my own wrist, I drink from the river and swallow the seeds whole, countless seeds. The the discarded fruits turn to orange bottles, the seeds to pills, and I smile sadly to my reflection in my blood. The ending was so bittersweet, so tragic and yet so lovely, like a romance between myself and the concept of death. My pulse is just a mere tap in my chest, an annoying reminder of a foreign presence in my body. The air in my lungs is vile, so I breathe it all out until my lungs can't deflate anymore. My skin goes cold and my vision becomes dull, the overly bright forest's vivid tones becoming flat and stale but calm and safe. The tapping stops and I can let out a final sigh of relief as I enter the abyss, ending up in nothingness. Nothing happens ever again. No love, no hate, no joy, no sadness, no fear, no anger. Nothing for me to want, for me to dream for. The inevitable takes hold of me, I rest with my decision being made and my fate being sealed.

And then I open my eyes. I'm in bed again, surrounded by the miserable existence I've always inhabited. I wonder when it will end, I wonder when I will finally make the move to follow my inescapable destiny. I can't do it, no matter how much I want to I can't bring myself to go. Some may call it a blessing, others a curse, but for me, it's just the way existence works. The prevention of an early demise traps me here no matter how much I want to see the unseeable, no matter how much I want to move on from my life filled with tragedy and pain. I just want to get out of this painful body, I just want to not feel pain constantly and fear the gazes of others, but I can't. No matter what I do, I'm stuck. 

(Thank you for reading this, sorry if I made you worry about me. I'm okay, I just had to get it out so it didn't become a problem. If you feel the same way, please don't act on it. I'm actively getting help and taking steps to becoming healthier, please try to do the same. <3)