Content Warning

*Depression and cycle of grief. If you have experience with a parent passing away, please read with your discretion and I'm sorry you are going through this you are not alone!

Shit, I can't do this.

I don't want to do this.

I can't.

I can't get up.

I physically cannot get up.

My body feels like it's been hit with a ton of bricks and it's so stiff. This is much worse than last year. It was a bit more bearable because I numbed away the feeling that arose within the last two nights but now... I have to face it.

I shut my eyes at the overly blurring sun rays beaming in the room. Jordy opened the curtains at seven in the morning, beaming and announcing it's spring.

And also my mom's birthday.

I tug my blanket up to my body and even squish the octopus closer to me to get the faint smell of Lizzie's vanilla perfume. Knowing her, she probably misted the thing with it, for evidence to make sure I sleep with Olivia.

To the outside world, it's just a birthday but to me, it's just another painful reminder she is not here. You never think little things like this would get to you but they do. I never really appreciated it until she was gone.

Mentally, my mind goes to Mom's last birthday when we all sat around Grandma's dining room as Mom asked me to help her blow out all of her candles.

Chocolate was her favorite. She liked chocolate cake, specifically from Shoppers because of the specific icing they used for the cakes. Lizzie would probably go into a diabetic coma if she knew how much cocoa powder they used in the cake to make it extra chocolatey.

Chuckling softly, I think about how mom would eat cake first before we ate dinner. Just like Squeaker.

I sigh deeply as my chest tightens back up. I never truly had to face my grief because I always numbed it with sex, alcohol, working out, tattoos, partying, drugs, hell even math but numbness only lasts for a short while. It's never a permanent solution, just an endless cycle.

I didn't think having the weight of it would feel so heavy on me today.

You know, last year I numbed myself up so I couldn't feel a thing until I got on the bus on the way back. After losing the game, it was the worst, darkest, heaviest feeling in the world.

I wish I could be like Jordy and channel my grief better. He faces death right in the face no matter how scary it is. He isn't ashamed to express how he feels and that took boldness for him because he already got picked on a lot in school for just having such a youthful heart.

Glancing at his bed, sloppily made but made with care so his stuffed animal is under the covers like it's sleeping. A hearty soft chuckle escapes from my lips at how Lizzie and Jordy are twins.

Shuffling in bed, I hear my phone chime. I sigh, reaching over to see it's Raspberry Lover. I swipe to unlock my phone and read her good morning message.

Giggles🧸: Roger and I are on our way to Baltimore this morning. Wish us luck!

I arch my brow at Roger. Who the fuck is Roger?  I automatically sit up in the bed against the headboard and my phone goes off again.

Giggles🧸: [photo]

Giggles🧸: talk to you soon!

Warmth spreads across the cold ache weighing down my chest as I smile at the photo of the fact she gave Tigger an actual name. The fact she names her stuffed animals is beautiful because it means she gives them dignity despite them being stuffed full of cotton.

When Lizzie and I talked Saturday night for our date, I seriously can't be anymore grateful enough for her support and openness she gives when it comes to my mom. I wanted to tell her about Gabrielle right and all the bullshit of her not taking the hint but I was overwhelmed with anxiety from Mom's birthday until the crippling emotions built up.

I do plan on still telling Lizzie about her suicide but I want to do it when she is here, not almost six hundred miles away. Gabrielle is also not important, the last thing I need or want to worry about, because her empty threats and propositions don't scare me.

Staring at the photo of Lizzie and I on my lock screen, my breath hitches.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

I really wanted to tell Lizzie I love her so much but bit my tongue because I wanted it to be the right moment. A happy moment, a deserving moment. My heart has been beating so hard for her the longer we have been apart and when I thought it would be tough for us, my feelings have only grown.

We have made it work and support each other every step of the way.

Sunday she stayed on the phone with me a little extra than she needed to, just because she didn't want me to feel alone.

I don't deserve her sometimes.

I sigh loudly and rub my hand over my face, sitting up a bit. I hear the hotel door chirp and Jordy comes in with a plate of bacon, stages of waffles all disformed, and banana. For as little as Jordy is, he has always eaten like a monster.

He has a bacon half-chewed into his mouth, chomping like a cow eating grass. He hums a song, probably another one he made up. A half smile pulls on my face as he spins around, shimming his shoulders because I assume the bacon is extra good today. He places his plate down and looks out the window to the city at the hustle and bustle on the streets of Indianapolis.

After a few silent moments, he lets out a hearty sigh and sits right down. He places the napkin, tucking it into the collar of his black and white Tye dye shirt that had a bright yellow sun on it. He looks over at the view again and his shoulders slump slightly. He looks over at me and leaps in his seat because he didn't realize I was staring.

"Don't be a creep." Jordy crinkles his nose.

I breathe out a laugh and smirk, running my hand down my face.

"You are still in bed?" he criticizes, looking at me up and down. I suck my teeth and he shakes his head. "It's eight forty five."

"Exactly," I grumble and stretch my lead-heavy arms overhead. "It's eight forty-five."

"You are wasting your dayyyy," he sings while cutting his waffle.

"Yeah, yeah." I wave him off and Jordy mumbles a day wasted.

Slanting my eyes, I remove the blanket off me as I swing my legs over feeling the thin carpet of the hotel room on the pads of my toes. I hang my head low and glance up, looking at the view of the sun rays still shining in the hotel room. Jordy dancing while figuring out what his fork is going to poke next makes me chuckle.

"I said bye to Marquis this morning. He said he really wants to reconnect after graduation," Jordy saddens his voice.

"Why are you sad, Jordy?" I softly chuckle.

"It's just, we are growing up and it just feels like yesterday when we all played ball in high school."

He is definitely right. Every chance we got after school on or off season, all of us could be found at the YMCA playing ball like 5-on-5, around the world, man even h.o.r.s.e. Then after we would finish we would all head back to Aunt Lisa and Uncle Steve's house for a good dinner and roast Uncle Steve about his outdated fashion. He relived old stories about how he won March Madness with Coach T as we sat around the dining room table in awe but he won't be the only one to have the story.

"Time definitely flies." I breathe a chuckle, looking down.

"I would love to do that again, when we get back so we can brag about winning now," Jordy gloats.

Smirking, I nod and silence takes over and he keeps eating. Even though I had my childhood friends and Aunt Lisa and Uncle Steve. I still feel the missing piece of my mom not being there and how she would have even gone as far as bringing all their moms over to the house and made it a whole big thing. My mom has missed out on a lot of things that Aunt Lisa was able to do in her place.

Days like today, I miss her, and then sometimes I hate her... Get angry with her... I want to scream at her for leaving me but then days like this I just want to mourn and cry because she isn't here. Grief is some messy shit and the only part of grief is to grieve.

Sighing drearily, I try to move to get from the bed. I slowly get up and go to the dresser, where I finally put my clothes in after being here for almost three weeks now. I bet if Raspberry Lover was here she would have even made this place a home. She brings home anywhere she goes and that's a gift she doesn't know she has.

Clasping onto my salmon-colored Nike shirt Spring Girl wanted me to wear for the first day of spring, I hold onto it tightly, thinking how mom would love this color on me. Faintly smiling, I grab my black joggers, shutting my eyes and reflecting on how Mom would go to Grandma's house every birthday. We would plant with Grandma in her garden that she worked on since Pops passed away. She didn't want to do anything else for her birthday but spend time with me, Gram, ncle Steve and Aunt Lisa.

Sighing heavily, I push the dresser drawer closed and look at Jordy, who's bopping his head back and forth as he looks at his phone while still munching away on his breakfast. I place my clothes on the dresser top and make my bed just to reduce all temptations for me getting back in. 

"What are your plans today?" Jordy inquires.

I shift my head, looking over at him, who takes out his airpods. "Well, it's the first day of spring and I wanted to check out downtown sightseeing." He beams.

Smirking at him, I cleanly make the bed, setting Olivia against the pillows. "You trying to be a full tourist today?"

"Is that a crime," he says dryly.

"Nah, I'll come with you," I offer.

He stuffs in a big bite of waffles and nods. "Yeah, let me tex-"

"Can it just be us?" I ask, and Jordy looks at me weird.

Jordy likes to make things a big event, like his long lost twin wanting to invite everybody and their momma. He probably would invite Baylor players, who we are playing next to lock our Final Four spot if he could.

He frowns, then swallows hard. "Uhh, sure... why?"

"I... it's my mom's birthday and I just don't want to be bothered, honestly." I hold my clothes to my bare chest.

He nods and looks down at his almost half-eaten plate. "I understand, I can get that way. I'll probably be that way at graduation," he says disappointingly. "My brother has been gone for about eleven years in May."

His revelation makes my heart tug and my focus completely turns to Jordy, who stabs his waffle and takes a bite.

"Wow, I'm sorry, Jordy," I softly say.

"You just live with it, you know? Day by day," his voice cracks, shrugging his shoulders.

"It's not fair though," I toss back.

"It's not fair but I think one thing I learned from him being gone is that he is always with me in everything I say or do," he says with shaky confidence.

From what Jordy told me, Andrew was a prankster. He pranked Jordy at any chance he got, whether to tease or stir up some fun. Jordy's brother Andrew never frowned for anything that came his way. They both were so lively, from all the photos they took together from the YMCA camp, to the Wizards' games they would go with their parents, and the local basketball court.

However one day, Andrew and Jordy were playing with some guys in their local neighborhood in the park when there was a crossfire from a gang and police. A stray bullet hitting Andrew in the back had him dying right there. There has been no justice done because those guys got away and Jordy's brother is dead. The only justice they got was a settlement but no repercussions from shooting in a park.

"I completely understand that." I sit back on the bed.

"You know I'm here for you, just as much as you are here for me, The reality is you will grieve forever. No one is asking or telling you to get over your mom. No one looks at you like you are helpless because you know what you are strong and I believe that about you," Jordy offers softly but firmly, his eyes fixing on mine.

I suck in a sharp breath but he continues, "I know people use strength as a common term but you, Jaylan... You are strong and... You will get through this... We will get through this together." His words convince me, stirring deep within the heaviness I feel in my chest and making me hitch my breath.

Water leaks from my eyes, streaming down my face as Jordy clasps on to his fork, looking at me with pain in his eyes. I clear my burning throat and run my hand down my face, feeling the dampness on the palm of my hand.

"Thanks Jordy," I could barely make out his name.

"You're welcome Jaylan, just know you can pass the ball," he reminds me gently.

I nod softly, standing up to my feet stretching big, taking a deep breath, and shutting my eyes for a second.

Happy Birthday Mom.

Trying not to drag my sluggish feet, I lay out my clothes and get ready for the day.

I can do this.

🏀🏀🏀🏀

Jordy laughs loudly in the middle of the hotel lobby as he presses down on his white construction paper with his orange painted fork. 

"Jaylan, you mean to tell me you failed art and had to repeat it over summer? That's why you came to basketball camp late?" He cackles.

Some people excel in subjects like science, english, math, gym even, but me I fucking hated art because I just didn't feel the use or need for it. So, I skipped it all the time in middle school, found an excuse to go to the nurse's office, or hid in the bathrooms.

I suck my teeth pressing my fork down in the blue paint.  "Ard It's not all that serious dummy."

Jordy continues to roar out laughter, which my lips pull up into a smile. While I was in the shower, Thing One texted Thing Two to make sure I did my spring activities today. From this stamped fork tulip craft, to playing this pollen transfer thing Lizzie made for a 'minute to win it game,' to watching a National Geographic YouTube documentary about the seasons changing, to make bird feeders to stick out our hotel window for the birds, she's kept me and Jordy busy all morning.

I don't think the hotel staff would like birds shitting by the window like that. Jordy told me not to worry about it but I don't need Coach T having a complete meltdown.

However, with all these activities, the Kazoo Player has definitely made her presence known, to make me feel light about a situation despite the pain within. She even made a scavenger hunt that she insisted on everybody on the team to do enjoy spring today. I wasn't thrilled but Kazoo Player would have wanted it that way, us working together so I'm not alone.

"Oh mannn, it's not like Lizzie's demo. I'm going to have to redo this." Jordy frowns, comparing Lizzie's perfectly shaped example to his.... Well, at least he got a few blobs of color on the stem.

He pushes the paper forward, gets up, and eyes mine, which honestly isn't much better. "I'm going to take these back upstairs and get my disposable camera. So we can go, pretty sure everyone will be down here soon."

"Alright, I'll wait here," I gloat, relaxing my back and wrapping my hand on the empty chair. Marcus, Xavier, Hollis, Taylor, Shawn, and the rest of the guys come in around the corner, all dressed and smiles, laughing about something. I furrow my brows and Marcus points over at me and pats Jordy on the shoulder as he passes by.

"Look at you, all springed up," Marcus cheeses as he flops down on the hotel lobby chair.

"Where were y'all?" I investigate.

"They had like games in one of the convention rooms. We were shootin' hoops with USC and Xavier won," Marcus gloats.

"Anddd they had souvenirs," Hollis adds, tossing a plush orange ball at my chest.

"You better get your woman all that before it's too late, especially Uncle Steve,'' Marcus teases.

He is right, Lizzie and Uncle Steve probably want anything and everything that says March Madness for Merchandise. Plus Uncle Steve's stuff looks a little raggedy in his little man cave, so I better get him a sports flag or something.

"Where is it?" I get up from the chair.

"I'll show you," Hollis offers.

"He probably wants to see Water Bottle Shorty again." Taylor laughs, flashing a big grin.

Hollis has definitely set himself back and caught himself in a web of Jersey Chasers. I try to tell him not to do it but he said if Alexis can go on Bumble dates, then he can do whatever and whoever fuck he wants. He is right but, me personally, I think they both need to talk it out. To me, it's a big misunderstanding but I really don't want Hollis to be distracted, especially how close we are.

Hollis gets up and grins big as everyone hypes him up, waving his hand down. Marcus shakes his head and Xavier's attention is drawn when Gabrielle and the news crew walk past us.

"I like to get a piece of that." Xavier air kisses Gabrielle.

She rolls her eyes and turns up her nose but sets her gaze on me but I avert my eyes away from her. All the guys' jaws drop, except Marcus and I. I roll my eyes and Hollis' eyes stay glued on Gabrielle's ass as she swishes her hips but it's nothing compared to the cutie with a big booty back at home.

I really wish Gabrielle would just leave me the fuck alone you would think Saturday would have given her the hint.. It's been so peaceful without Ava but she is definitely making up for Ava's lack of presence.

Marcus squints his eyes at her and then looks back at me. "Is that who I think it is"

"Yes." I grit my teeth, avoiding her gaze at me.

Gabrielle and I exchange glares again but the intense glare I give causes her to look away. I am not playing her games and she is not winning this battle.

"Come on, let's go get you some gifts for the Misses," Hollis teases, patting my chest.

We walk past Gabrielle but I ignore her gaze and walk down to the louder music playing from the distance. It must be that time where fans and schools come in to see the teams play. The atmosphere is lively, with all the March Madness logos, sports merchandise like Nike, Under Armor, Adidas, and the whole nine yards, with their booths and stands.

I know I've been making good money with Under Armor lately and surprisingly powerade. Coach said that Wilson Basketball has been seeking interest in me and also, get this, Subway. It's been nice having to make honest money without having to do it the illegal way. I made a promise to Lizzie that's the only way it's going to be and I mean it.

"They got a lot of stuff down this way." Hollis points as we walk down the aisle of free souvenirs.

As my eyes search around, a familiar tall, dark-skinned man catches my attention. His tall frame and broad shoulders remind me of someone I know. He's wearing a Baylor Basketball shirt and walking with their point guard Jeremiah King, who is picking up a basketball animated stuffed toy tossing it in the air.

Hmm, I bet Squeaker would like one.

Walking over to them, we start to look at the table. The man behind the vendor table smiles big, looking at both Jeremiah and I. "I know it's going to be a good game," he says proudly.

He isn't wrong. Jeremiah is probably top tier when it comes to point guard in his division.

Jeremiah chuckles and looks over in our direction. I assume his dad and they both look over to me. His dad's eyes spread wide and his mouth gapes open a bit. "Jaylan Parker?" His voice shakes.

"Uhh... yes?" I puzzle the same with Jeremiah.

The man's mouth turns down and his eyes soften, observing every feature on my face almost like remembering me like it was his last look. He puts his hands up by his mouth and takes a ragged breath. Jeremiah touches his arm, while Hollis mumbles 'What's going on?'

For some odd reason, my heart begins to flutter as this man reaches out to touch my shoulder. He blinks a few times and squeezes his eyes shut, looking away and back at me.

Then recognition hits me.

My heart falls right out my chest and all the air traps in my lungs, making it hard to breathe.

"I haven't seen you since you were ten," he softly says with his eyes getting a bit watered.

Studying his features, I try to process who this man is and Jeremiah looks between us, frowning from trying to figure out how he knows me. I could feel Hollis' hand on my back in support of what's about to come out of this man's mouth.

"It's Nathan," the man's voice cracks.

His voice vibrates my whole body, making my legs buckle and I grab one hand onto the table. I can't believe Nathan, mom's boyfriend, the one she wanted to marry, is in front of my eyes eleven years later. The man who fathered me more than PJ ever did. 

The man who I wanted in my life after mom.

Right in front of me.

"Huh-huh-hey," my voice shakes.

Silence between the four of us stirs around, except for the game sound of effects of the basket hoop game nearby. I tug softly onto the plush basketball toy as we try to figure out what to say next.

Nathan rubs the back of his neck a few times but the tears bed up in his eyes. "It's, uhh... good to see you, Jaylan."

"Yeah..." I swallow against the tightness squeezing my throat in, which feels drier than if I've swallowed an island's worth of sand.

"Good luck this Thursday," he congratulates.

Nodding, Jeremiah still confusingly looks at his dad and back at me, ending with giving me an acknowledgment nod. My throat is still so dried up, I cough a few times. I could barely speak but a light-hearted feeling builds in my chest, knowing my mom has people all around me.

🏀🏀🏀🏀

Jordy snaps photos all around the park for Lizzie to see all the beauty of spring. The fresh warm air caresses my face as I lean back on the bench, watching Jordy like he is my kid just getting every angle of spring. Cracking a smile on my lips, I shake my head as the guys around this park take photos for Squeaker's scavenger hunt she sent us on. A few even kneel down for a squirrel picture.

I love how they do anything for her.

I look up to the sky as the clouds pass slowly uncovering the sun. The blue sky reminds me of blue from the Atlantic ocean, just clear and not anything hindering the beauty of spring.

It's always like this for mom's birthday.

I can't believe I saw Nathan earlier. Hollis asked if I was okay because I was just in complete shock that he is here in Indianapolis. My only reaction was nodding silently but I feel like my brain can't register because there is a lack of oxygen. How stunned I was.

It took me a few minutes to take a step when they walked away.  I watched as his head hung down low and dragged his feet to leave the activity area.

I honestly don't know how I feel, just a whole bunch of emotions. Wondering why he didn't continue to stay in my life or reach out to me after the funeral leaves me with more questions than feelings. Or I'm even wondering if he has any  stories about mom and I to just remember. Seeing him today, really out of all days, just feels like I'm not alone and maybe others also feel what I feel.

Marcus sucks his teeth drawing my attention to him with Lizzie's homemade scavenger hunt paper crinkled up.

"Yo, why ain't you takin' photos? '' Marcus jabs my arm as he flops down on the bench next to me.

"I already took photos," I gloat, scrolling and swiping my phone to my albums.

"Why are they all of your hands?" Marcus points to a photo of me holding a flower, the sunlight flashing off my rings.

I breathe a chuckle because all the photos I sent Flower Power were nothing but my hands holding flowers for her Pinterest addiction.

"Pinterest," I offer with a shake of my head.

Marcus' head tips back and he chuckles. "I never thought I'd ever hear that word out of your damn mouth."

"I never thought I would say it either." We laugh together.

Stillness wraps around us as I look forward to see Jordy jumping on the park bench like a photographer, taking a photo of Xavier holding flowers to his chest. Marcus and I chuckle as the guys gather around with dandelions, sticking them in their mouths.

"How are you doing today?" Marcus asks genuinely.

I could never hold anything back from Marcus because he must have sensed I was in my feelings today and he just bluntly asked what was wrong with me because I didn't participate in a team shot at the bar before we left. 

"I'm hanging in there" I admit, trying to believe it myself.

"You know you don't have to go through it alone, we are all here for you just as you are here for us" he adds.

"I know," I say softly, shifting my eyes from one teammate to another now doing a tik tok with Jordy.

Breathing a chuckle, at them my phone vibrates in my hand and a smile pulls on my face looking because Squeaker is face timing me. Swiping across, it begins to connect and my heart flutters a bit as it still connects. Finally, she shows up looking all ready for spring, wearing a pair of light blue overalls with a smudge of dirt on her baby white tee like she's been in the ground probably.

Upclose, her lips are glossy, like she was eating something sugary or she has lipgloss on. Two white clips pin back her hair on each side of her head. Aunt Lisa steps behind her with an arching eyebrow and all I could do is smile.

My two favorite women.

"Hi, Beautiful," I greet my girlfriend, taking in her entire outfit with my heated gaze.

Lizzie face glows like Rudolph and I smirk up. "Jaylannn"

"Jaylan, watch your language," Aunt Lisa warns, probably on autopilot because I'm innocent.

"I didn't say anything" I defend, putting my free hand on my chest.

Marcus cackles and leans forward on his knees. "Hi, Aunt Lisa."

"Hi, Marcus. Are you treating my Maxine right up there? I haven't heard from her" Aunt Lisa arches her brow at the both of us.

He tries to hold back his 'I'm treating her REAL good' smile and I slant my eyes. "Of course." He shoots her a wink. "Hey, Tiny Tot." Marcus cockily grins at Lizzie, who furrows her brows.

"Marcus," Aunt Lisa corrects him and Lizzie flashes one her Naughty Lizzie smiles. 

She is lucky she's got protection right now.

"What are you trouble makers doing?" I inquire, looking around them to see what they are doing. They are in a familiar area with a blue sky and grassy area in the background.

Warmth spreads across my chest as Lizzie sheepishly looks down and hands the phone to Aunt Lisa, who is a bit taller than Lizzie. Looking at them side by side, warmth spreads across my chest at them actually getting along. I know Aunt Lisa and Uncle Steve want the best for me when it comes to relationships. With Lizzie coming into my life, there is hope for them.

"Lizzie came down to plant flowers with Uncle Steve and I this morning." Aunt Lisa smiles, squinting one eye from the sun.

"That is... really nice of you guys," my voice cracks and the same dryness from earlier chokes up my throat.

"Yeah, you need to be here on your knees pulling these weeds." Uncle Steve grunts.

A smile pulls across my lips and I breathe out a chuckle. Aunt Lisa flips Lizzie's camera around, showing me their heartfelt efforts. A beautiful spring assortment of flowers of yellow and white sits in the flower holder of mom's grave site. Uncle Steve is wearing his famous plaid shirt, sweating, well, pulling some weeds with sweat trickling down his bald head and rimming his neck and armpits.

"Workin' hard!" Marcus hoots.

"Or hardly working?" I snicker.

Marcus and I both cackle. Aunt Lisa presses her lips, restricting her smile and shaking her head at our teasing.

Lizzie takes the phone back and looks at me with a hearty smile. "Do you like it?" she asks bashfully, pushing up her big glasses.

"I love it," I boast.

I really do love it and I love her. She's just never ceasing to amaze me at how she keeps going above and beyond. I don't even think she is doing it to just show off or doing it for me like her, she's just... taking care of my mom. When Lizzie genuinely does something it's from her heart because she cares a lot.

That's how I fell in love with her.

"We have some birthday stuff... Is it okay if we sing Happy Birthday?" she asks quietly.

A lump forms in my throat and Lizzie twists her lips like she's regretting what she asked but I clear my throat. "Yes, of course," I softly say.

"Jay, only if you want to," Aunt Lisa assures as Uncle Steve gets behind her and wraps his arm around her waist. He lowers his head and puts his chin down.

I sigh quietly and Marcus looks at me, patting my back and getting up just to give me some space, which I appreciate a lot.

"No... No, I want to." I try to straighten out my shaky voice.

Aunt Lisa gives me a tender smile and Lizzie's smile appears on her face. She disappears and Uncle Steve comes into the camera. "We know this day is tough for you just as much as it's tough for me but... Something I want you to understand is that we can celebrate Evie's birthday in spirit and do traditions like this Jaylan, to celebrate her life because her life mattered," Uncle Steve says with his voice cracking.

My vision blurs as I nod, looking at Aunt Lisa leaning her head onto Uncle Steve's shoulder. The top of Lizzie's head is in the background, which clears up my vision because she had these light pink balloons in a spring-like bunch. Uncle Steve and Aunt Lisa pull apart and she comes in the middle with the balloons and a carton of flower-decorated cupcakes, making me breath a chuckle.

"It's not strawberry, is it?"

She presses her lips flat and I laugh again, relaxing my smile. "It's chocolate... Your mom's favorite," she says shyly.

The weight of her efforts pull tears into my eyes, the way she's honoring my mom today instead of me falling under my grief... It feels... spiritually uplifting. A lightness I've never felt on this day since she left me shines through the clouds in my heart.

"You ready?" Aunt Lisa says, sticking a 'four' and 'six' candle in two of Lizzie's cupcakes and lighting them.

"Ready." I relax my shoulders.

The tranquil silence on their end brings further lightness in my chest, making me shut my eyes and remember how Grandma would bring out surprise cake, always in the kitchen at her house to sing Happy Birthday to Mom. The glow of Mom's face as the many candles Grandma could fit on a cake will always be a memory for me.

It's a good memory, one I want to be a motivation instead of how her life ended.

Pulling a smile right across my mouth, my eyes open to see Lizzie has a cupcake in her tiny hands cup with a four candle lit inside of it, while Uncle Steve holds the 'six.'.

Our voices tremble and we're all off-key but the music in my ears is beautiful, "Happy Birthday to you.... Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday, dear Evie.... Happy Birthday to you."

Aunt Lisa, Lizzie, and Uncle Steve's cheers turn into soft gasps when a breeze flows through and snuffs out the candles, feeling like she is there.

"Happy Birthday, Evie." Uncle Steve sniffles and walks out of the screen.

"Happy Birthday, Mom," I softly say, tears flowing freely down my cheeks, and I look up to the sky.

Happy Birthday.

Edited and spiced by still_just_me

If you haven't already, please make sure you add It's Just Phone Sex to your reading list! I love the dynamic duo of Juneau and Damian! Talk about slow burnnnnn but it's worth it!

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*Pulls tissue box and blows nose*

More to come!