Content Warning

*Sensitive topics include mention of selling drugs, child neglect and police brutality

Mamá always told me to never judge a book by its cover because you have to look inside to know what the story is actually about. It's interesting she stopped believing that in Papá but I still believe it.

Silence fills around Jaylan and I, with soft instrumental pop music playing in the background. The twinkle lights highlight his brown skin, which looks flushed by the redness that spreads across his cheeks. I softly rub his back because anytime when I feel like I can't explain something, Lexi gives those extra back rubs. His shoulder muscles relax and he turns to look at me, meeting my gaze.  His eyes well up with remorse, guilt, fear, and just looking lost.

"There is nothing worse than a man that can be everything to everybody else except a father to their own child" He rasp his strain voice.

He blinks his eyes a few times but the tears couldn't be trap any longer in his eyes.

He buried his face into his hands and I lean in, holding on to him. "Jaylan?" I softly begin.

"I... I.. don't know where to begin Lizzie," he speaks into his hands and I touch his back again.

"Pass the ball, remember?" I remind him.

He looks up at me with tears, and I swipe my thumbs softly over both his eyes before he grabs my fingers, kissing them and clasping them together. He clenches them to his chest, knocking my knuckles on his heart space.

He clears his throat once more and takes a deep breath, puffing out swirls of white into the night air. His face pains to express what he wants to say. I rub his back again and he leans closer to my mangoes for comfort similar to the night he was sad about his mom. Whatever it is... I know this is going to be hard for him to talk about.

"It's okay, Jaylan," I encourage him.

He shuts his eyes because, from what I remember, he says when he opens them he is in reality. "Look at me" I softly say and he squeezes his eyes letting a tear fall right from his cheeks into his beard. His big hands tremble and I softly rub his back. He opens his eyes and his eyes are so light brown, they look like hazelnut. 

"Share what you can, Jay."

He clears his throat again and licks his dry lips. His shoulders drop down again. "Okay."

He rubs his free hand over his face and he sniffles. It makes my heart shatter into glass because it's the first time I've heard him do that.

"The only person I'll call dad is Uncle Steve because he deserves the title," Jaylan begins.

Nodding at his statement, he lifts up our clasped hands and kisses them. "He was the only person there for me since I was young and he is the only one that matters to me."

"My mom always wanted a relationship with my father but it just wasn't going to happen... He wasn't ready to be a father." He shakes his head in disbelief of what he just said.

He thumbs over my hands and I give him a faint smile to proceed.

"I always wanted PJ to be there for me, like the way the other kids at my school who had a good relationship with their Dads..." he begins and then looks across the rink. Facing the garden, he swallows the same lump I have in my throat when I can no longer stuff down my emotions and wonder if he has bumblebees in his throat too.

"I was young and dumb, always believing he would turn around one day and show up to one my baseball games." He laughs as if it's a joke, deflecting the truth that he wants his dad in his life.

"Mom was never spiteful, so she made sure he got visits with me on the weekends and I hated it because I felt like it was a waste of time because he never just wanted to do anything with me," he rasps. "He gave more attention to the neighborhood kids, giving them advice and guidance instead of me."

He lets out a regretful sigh. "His only bond with me was taking me to a friend's house to count money for selling drugs, while I played PS-Two with the biggest drug dealer on the block in the other room."

My eyes blink at not just the words he says but the sharpness that comes over his tone. He sounds hurt and angry for his younger self. I can sympathize with his situation being out of his control but the word drugs doesn't sit well with me. The lowering of his eyes shows it doesn't with him either.

I get the sense that he's not expecting me to respond, so I just listen as he bitterly continues, "I never understood what my mom saw in him but she loved him. No matter what he did, she saw good in him. She did everything she could to mend PJ and I's relationship but he just never wanted to try, not even after she died." He turns his head, wiping his eyes and looking over at my full attention.

I let out a soft smile and he moves our clasped hands, dropping them down between us.

"I remember the Christmas before Mom died, I thought he was changing his life around. He went all out for Christmas. he gave me a bike, a cell phone, and even new clothes. It was almost like he tried that day."

His tone lightens up a bit as he shifts his long legs out straight from the bench. " I rode that bike all day and rode to school, home and  just around the city. Riding my bike was freeing, the speed made me feel alive... until I was stopped by the police, asking for who I was working for."

His hands tighten against mine, not to hurt me but to like he's bracing me for what he is going to say next.

"PJ got me the bike to be a lookout so he could sell drugs... I used the bike to feel free and just release the emotions I had within. I wasn't caught in his madness, I was eleven," he reminds softly

I honestly understand Jaylan in some way because I enabled Papá to smoke and my reward was candy or stuffed animals.

"My mom was so mad at him for that, and she just gave it back to him because she didn't want me in that lifestyle" He said softly.

"Did she get you a new bike?"

"She said she would but.... She, uhh.. She passed away before we could go look for a new one." He clears his throat twice and I frown, knowing Jaylan probably hasn't rode a bike since then.

I definitely would like to go bike riding through Lincoln Memorial or something... maybe that would mean something to him. Right now though, I offer, "I'm sorry, Jaylan."

"It's okay, Lizzie."

I lean on his shoulder and he leans down to kiss my forehead. "Did you have to stay with him after she passed away?"

He nods and looks up at the ice rink again. "Yeah... I wish I could have stayed with Uncle Steve and Aunt Lisa then... They fought so hard but PJ kept telling them he got it." he says bitterly.

I can only imagine the dark moments he experienced during the time where he had to be with his dad and not be able to fully heal with his aunt and uncle.

"At first, PJ kinda let me do my own thing, just let me be me... He let me use the bike again to get to school but with PJ, everything always has a condition." He grits his teeth quietly.

"Condition?" I inquire.

"Everything with PJ has a condition, nothing is unconditional."  He frowns, shaking his head at what he just said.

I thumb his tattooed knuckles, gazing over the silver ring he always wears. "I found all my stuff out on the porch,

packed up in trash bags and stuffed in the trash bin. I forgot to take it out in the morning because I was late for school..."

His voice fades and he swallows hard. "He wouldn't let me back in the house until I earned it because I was behind on rent... rent... an eleven year old paying rent..."

I shake my head in disbelief and his hands tense up again. "He hand me a few small dime bags of marijuana to give to one of his clients."

My chest feels like I have three large bricks on it as I soak in what he just said. How could that be even legal, why didn't his Aunt and Uncle stop this? Jaylan was only eleven and he didn't even experience an ounce of joy or even get to grieve over his mom. 

"Ww...w..were you able to come back in the house?"

"At midnight... Earned a good hundred and twenty dollars.. Not once anybody questioned my age or was even concerned about my well-being." He chuckles in disbelief.

"Did you have to keep doing it?" My voice pains and he shakes his head.

"It became a lifestyle," he admits as another tear trails over his cheek. "In order to live and stay with PJ. He was all I had. I didn't even get to keep half the money I earned. And that went on all freaking summer... I didn't even enjoy summer that year because I was working."

He continues to shake his head and I scoot closer to him. "One night, it was before my birthday and I finally turned twelve. I thought it was a new beginning, I didn't have to be eleven anymore-"

"Not to cut you off at this moment but when is your birthday?" I sheepishly ask and he lets out a chuckle, like I've said something to give light to his heartache.

"October eleventh, when is yours?"

"April nineteenth." I beam and he leans down, kissing my cheek softly, right at the dimple.

"I'm sorry." I sink my teeth in my lower lip at the diversion.

He rubs my hand softly and gives me a look like he is reading me where I'm at but what he needs to know is that I am with him. "It's alright, Lizzie," he whispers softly.

Quietness surrounds us again and all the heaviness he has let out here feels slightly lighter, like he finally was able to speak on what shaped him. So I take this opportunity to give a soft kiss on his cheek. "I don't know if anyone told you this Jaylan but you are so brave to me, going through what you just told me... All those things that knocked you down... and you get back up."

He licks his dry lips and nods in agreement. Puffed out cold air displays in front of us as he lets out a deep breath. "Thanks, Lizzie."

"You're welcome, Jaylan..."

His hands begin to tremble again and I caress them so I assume he isn't finished with his story.

"The night before my twelfth birthday, I accidentally was put into a drug bust when I gave marijuana to an undercover cop...The way they handled me was not the way they should handle an eleven-year-old, criminal or not..." His voice hardens with the look in his eyes.

"I was thrown against the hood, hitting my head against it with no dignity... They asked me so many questions and all I could think of was PJ cutting his... cutting his bullets, giving me a talk about snitching in his neighborhood and teaching me math by it too.... All while they were yelling at me and frisking my pockets, ruffling me up."

"All I could think of was those gold bullets.. But, deep in me, I didn't even want to be in this situation in the first place." His hands begin to tremble, and I rub the valley between his pinky and ring finger.

"So... I told the cops the truth but they still didn't believe me, throwing me in the back of the wagon. They made me watch SWAT and a drug task force bust into PJ's house, with other criminals who got caught in the same situation... The way they busted down the front door, rushing in from every side of our row home.... It almost was like something you see in a video game..."

Jaylan's eyes close for a moment and I hold my breath until he continues, "I knew I was doomed from snitching on PJ... They carried him out roughly, shouting and asking for me... The words... He finally called me his son for the first time. It struck me because he never recognized me as that before. He begged, screamed, and shouted, ignoring all his Miranda rights and waking the whole block up, although they were already woken up from the amount of sirens anyway."

Jaylan was only eleven and he was experiencing all this as a kid. I wonder how he has dealt with everything going on since then like had therapy for all this. My heart aches at how Jaylan had to grow up so early and learn to do things as an adult at such a young age.

I rub softly on his back as he lets out he gasps out from the pain deep within.

"I felt like I was in the wagon for hours. They weren't moving and the people in the van were already getting irritated about the lack of air and space.... The amount of drugs coming out of PJ's house that were hidden baffled me, just stacks of it hidden in the walls, floors, and in my bedroom. Just everywhere in the house."

The way Jaylan's voice breaks stabs into my heart. "But what had my attention was hearing PJ saying it's not mine or where is my son. That was it."

"After being in the wagon for about forty five minutes, the officer roughly pulled me out shutting, the rest of the men in the wagon with lack of air. I never appreciated the air until then." He chuckles, lightening the mood but I wrap my arm underneath his forearm because he's still shaking.

"The look in his eyes spewed hatred and relief and I didn't even think it was possible. And what hurt me the most before they took him away, they asked if there was anybody to take me and he said no," Jaylan's voice cracks in hurt and pain. He detaches his hands from mine, stretches, and shakes them.

"He knew Uncle Steve and Aunt Lisa begged him to let me stay with them but he declined the offer every time. They asked him every holiday and he said we were good."

I could only imagine his aunt and uncle's heart went through during this whole process, not being able to give Jaylan the love and support he needed through his mom passing away. Grief is such a messy thing. I've learned though that grief is love with no place to go.

"I had to stay in a government foster home. Just three hours was enough until they called them at midnight and they came to get me." His voice sounds relieved.

Jaylan takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky, which is a pink hue but clouds begin to overcast.

A brisk of cold winter air tingles my nose and I feel Jaylan shiver in response. "Let's move around a bit."

I nod and he easily helps me up and we start to glide around the rink in silence. "How did you feel through all the chaos?" I ask softly.

"Angry," he admits dryly but he corrects it by holding onto me.

"What did your aunt and uncle do or say?"

I'm sure they were probably so relieved that Jaylan finally could be with them. The bond between those three are so inseparable, like a true family.

"They apologize over and over again all the way home and through the entire month." He lets out a chuckle softly

"Did you celebrate your birthday?"

"Oh, they made sure." A real smile relaxes his face. "We went to Hershey Park actually."

"Hershey Park?" I echo with a frown.

He gasps as if I've said a cuss word and I playfully hit in his arm, smiling up at him. "What?"

"You lived here for three years and your northern bigwigs didn't take you to Hershey Park?" he sounds appalled.

"What is it?"

His eyes sparkle with insider information. "You like Reeses, right?"

"Jaylan, what kind of question is that?" I narrow my eyes at him..

He chuckles softly, leaning down to kiss my cheek. "I guess we'll have to go Monday."

Monday... Monday? That is a thought I don't want to think about right now. I rub my lips side to side and look back up at him, who's looking back at me. He lets out another breath. "They definitely made sure my birthday was worth it because I thought it wasn't."

The way his words came off prick my skin, like he felt like his life wasn't worth living. I look up at him as he looks forward with his eyes watering up again.

I lean into him and he wraps his arms a little bit tighter around my waist. "Jaylan, your birthday is worth it," I remind kindly and he leans down to kiss my forehead.

"Did things get better since your, umm... Since PJ was in Jail?"

He sighs regretfully and shakes his head no. "Not really, all the seeds he planted in me bore much fruit in my life in a bad way... but Uncle Steve got me into playing basketball right away because the season just began and he was coaching."

"What did umm... PJ, do you still struggle with?" I ask curiously.

"I'm not going to lie to you, it was very hard to stop the reality that I had to work the streets in order to survive. I kept doing it for the whole two years, sneaking out until Uncle Steve saw me by the corner store at the Seven-Eleven by my house, making a deal. He raided my room from top to bottom, collecting all my money I earned behind their backs."

"I never saw Uncle Steve so mad.... He was so mad, he threw my bike right into the dumpster. He threw me in his rusty Sante Fe and took me right to Maryland Corrections to scare me straight and it did. He took me to see PJ and boy, I did not want to be in his position..."

Jaylan's eyes drop to a few feet in front of us. "I don't ever want to go to jail."

"Me neither," I murmur, holding onto his arm for balance. "You were just a kid Jaylan and he was your dad. You didn't know."

"Uncle Steve put me to real work after that, cleaning up the YMCA gym and working at the basketball camps to earn honest money but I couldn't help it, to still just sell... It was quick money, " he admits again.

Frowning at his confession, he looks at me like it was expected and he loosens his grip on my hands but I hold on.

"D...d...did anything turn it around?"

"Coming to UMD." He nods, like he's agreeing with himself.

I fall silent for a few pushes of my feet, my thoughts digesting what he's saying, and what he's not. Lifting my eyes, I press further, "Did you do it here?"

"I...." He looks down at me and sighs. "I did and I regret making ties with PJ again when he got out of jail. Coach has been getting me out of it and staying out of it. And doing these endorsement deals has really helped not tempt me to go back."

My mouth tries to drop open but I clamp it tightly shut for a few moments. "How long has it been since you well... You know?"

"I'll just be honest with you." Jaylan exhales sharply, puffing white swirls up into the air above my head. "The day I came late to our first study session? I was, uhh, caught up with Peter Kennedy."

Peter? Peter Peter?

"Jaylan..." I softly say, looking down and back at him.

Peter Kennedy does drugs? How did he even pass the drug test because the school tests for opioids and marijuana? He doesn't seem like a guy to do drugs, considering his life seems to be completely in order.

Jaylan's eyes and voice fill with guilt, "I'm not proud of what I've done... but I didn't know he knew you until the night at Sky Zone and... I couldn't let him interfere in your life with his mess and addiction..."

"So I told him to stay away from you... He didn't have the best intentions anyway. And I even avoided you because I felt like I wasn't good enough for you."

Frowning at his words, the heaviness about what he's just revealed begins to crush my heart.

I don't know whether to thank Jaylan or be mad at him for selling drugs to Peter, let alone... but I also am thankful for him being honest with me at this moment.

If we didn't have that moment at Sky Zone, I feel like we wouldn't be here in this position. I know typically anyone hearing this information up front would have backed away and ended it here right now. His confession to me honestly hurts me because knowing the reason Jaylan was late was from him doing that... But then, knowing his past really puts my mind currently in confusion if he would do it again.

I can't have actions like this in my life, especially when I'm going to be a nurse. I mean, sure I'm no saint either. because there were times where I sent money to Papá so he could purchase some cigarettes. He didn't have enough money for them after paying all his legal divorce fees, new apartment, and just essential living things.

I know the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal are twofold — with both physical and psychological aspects. Some of the unpleasant physical side effects of nicotine withdrawal when quitting cold turkey include tremors, sweating, digestive problems, intensive headaches and depression. 

Papá's been complaining he's been having really bad headaches and I felt bad told him just don't use it all the time but gradually he just kept asking for exactly sixty three Mexican pesos, which is three dollars and seventeen cents  in American dollars but that adds up if it's every day for three years. Don't ask me about the math but he has definitely tapped into the savings I saved from being here and working. I know I'm a terrible daughter for doing it but like Jaylan said, you'll do anything for a parents' love and affection, no matter the negative repercussions.

Jaylan though, was tangled in the life of his dad and, by the way he expresses his past he wishes he wasn't. But, for some reason, PJ's fatherly intention matters to him because only Jaylan wants is a family. It doesn't excuse his behavior but if he is learning, then he is growing and that is true grit.

Silence falls between us, only for the music to fill the thickness of air between us. Jaylan's whole face reads disappointment and regret, including the way he is holding on to me to not let go of me physically and emotionally.

"I'm sorry Lizzie, I'm not the good guy you think I am." He sighs. "I'm trying to be though. I don't even do it anymore..."

"Jaylan," I softly say, as my eyes catch a glimpse of snow beginning to slowly fall down around us. "You made your shot.... You are good to me, in my eyes."

Without trust and honesty, there is no reason to continue a relationship. But with Jaylan, he has let out his whole heart to me, even the darker parts. Jaylan emotionally exposing himself like this shows how much he trusts me... and I trust him.... Him doing this almost feels like he is indirectly telling me he loves me... I think.

No one is perfect and I'm not glossing over Jaylan's past. Honestly, I'm still processing what he's told me and wondering how dark it truly is. It takes strength to look at yourself and fix what you don't like.  I can't explain what I see in him but I see him past face value. Words aside, all his actions since his apology to me have demonstrated he is working really hard to be the Jaylan he wants to be - kind, open, hard-working, loyal, and lo-

Oh boy.

My heart clenches in my chest then beats so loudly that I hear pulses in my ears.

In the moment, Jaylan turns me slightly, pulling me in and looking down at me with the purest honey mixed with syrup eyes. Once he silently realizes I'm not going anywhere, because I'm not, hIs eyes shine with love and authenticity. Our eyes flicker back and forth like the time we met at my job but this time he sees me with understanding of who I am, and me with who he is.

I feel like he has so much more to tell me by the way his irises slightly dilate. "Why do you keep giving me chances?"

"Because I care about you Jaylan." I trap the million butterflies that flew out of my mouth before they maybe say the other word.

Jaylan's eyes turn into the warm, rich brown I remember from the basketball court and the diner. His eyes laser into mine as if he wasn't expecting me to say the response I said. He furrows his brows a bit. He leans down and kisses me so softly, feeling every part of his lip and he softly cups my chin. 

I open my mouth to let him get a breath, something I love to hear when he kisses me. I feel like I'm actually winning this time but he deepens the kiss with soft, gentle pressure. My head tilts and my ponytail sways to the side. He slowly pulls back, kissing me softly once more.

"I care a lot about you too, Elizabeth Maria," he deepens his voice, stroking across the dimples of my face.

Woah, that just made my heart go into Atrial Fibrillation.

How can we love each other for only knowing each other, well... two months but it just feels like we have known each other for so long. Is there honestly a rule book for this? A guideline? Surely Pinterest has some kind of word graphic of how tos?

I hold his face as he lets out the most relaxed smile he's given all evening. The light and joyful feeling we have between us is making my heart skip. I sink my teeth in my lower lip and he strokes his thumb over my face. "Will you forgive me?" His eyes lighten up, looking into mine.

My eyes center on his light honey maple syrup eyes and notice that the white parts of his eyes are red. Everything he said tonight sounds and feels from the depth of his heart. Jaylan poured out nothing but honestly, pain, and repentance. Without forgiveness, our souls are tied to what's happened to us in the past. So choosing to forgive is what sets people free. And Jaylan needs to be set free, not out of obligation but out of the pit of where he has been trapped all these years.

"I forgive you Jaylan, I don't want you to have to feel like you have to go back to that life again. It's not who you are and what you've been through is not your fault."

Jaylan blinks as my words sink in. "Why can't you just shout or yell at me... or walk away from me?"

"Because Jaylan," I assure him, trying not to smile at his surprise. "You deserve someone to actually care about you and your well-being, you deserve that."

"Lizzieee."

"Jaylannn."

He wraps his arms around me like a bear knocking the wind in me. His chest vibrates when he says, "You are too good to me," planting a kiss on the top of my head.

I guess Jaylan forgets I'm not a professional ice skater like him and the back of my ice skate slips forward and down we go. Jaylan lands on his back, with me landing right on top of him, breaking my fall.

"Fuck." He grunts with a laugh and I tap his nose for saying a bad word, only for him to take my ring finger and put inside his NOSTRIL.

"Jaylan!" I wail, my hand back because now I have all these germs on my finger.

He chuckles, making his body vibrate, sending it right to my thighs that are around his pelvis. He sits up and we are closely face to face again. His cinnamon breath invades my own, almost like the time he sat close to me when I tutored him but, if we are honest, he tutored me. He strokes under my chin and puts it down, letting out a laugh and shutting his eyes. The snow continues to fall on his face, snowflakes landing on his beard.

This moment seems too good to be true. I twist my lips to the side and softly pinch his arm and he slant his eyes at me and I giggle. "So fucking weird."

"If you keep on..." I poke his chest and he smirks, getting up with ease and helping me up. He spins me around in the air and I let out a squeal of happiness. "Jaylan!"

"Elizabeth Lucero, I really like you." He kisses the side of my face again as I completely ignore him for a second with my tongue sticking out, trying to catch a snowflake.

"I really like you too," I huff, tilting my head farther backwards.

"Babe... watch it. Here, like this," he says, catching me before I fall.

My mouth shuts quickly, watching him arching his neck back and sticking out his abnormally long tongue. Maybe just everything with him is just large and he can't help it.

"Why is your tongue so big?" I squint my eyes and he retracts it, cackles, and pulls me in.

"You don't want me to roast you, Lizzie."

"You wouldn't dare."

He slants his eyes at me with a cracked smile as his devil horns come up.  "Alright," is all he lets out and I crinkle my nose and we skate back to the bench. I couldn't help but watch Jaylan take his skates off with ease.

This hunk of a caramel candy, full off tattooed, mus-

"Lizzie, stop checking me out." He throws a charming smirk at me, making my face grow warm from getting caught.

"Stop." I furrow my eyebrows and release that warm smile I like seeing on him.

Happiness looks good on Jaylan. He deserves to be happy and for his happiness taken away from him at a young age, he deserves to laugh when he needs to, or tease me even though he doesn't get any new stickers on his chart I made last night for him on the road.

I'm glad we had this moment tonight because with such pain in the night, joy comes in the morning.

"Squeaker, look down."

I look down to see he drew a heart in the snow, making me smile and feel warm inside. But, when I look up at him, he's crossing his eyes at me and ruining the moment. "Why do you have to be so stinky?"

He grins down at me. "Because I care about you."

I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing that.

Edited and spiced up by still_just_me