Content Warning

*Death

* Substance abuse

Mi Novio🦕💖: Happy Eat your veggies day Raspberry lover, can't wait to talk to you later to celebrate!

Papi, you can't celebrate veggies for fun.

Twisting my lips, another text comes through, this time it's a photo.

Mi Novio🦕💖: [Photo]

My throat dries up like I have been lost in a desert for three whole days. Jaylan's photo of him with his deviant smile, eating a salad, couldn't haven't been any sexier. I didn't think it would be possible for him to eat salad in a sexy way, but his lips are slightly parted and the tip of his tongue visible.

He is so hot but not the salad. That's yucky.

I sink my teeth in my lower lip and clear my messages off my Apple watch. I spin my computer chair and look back at the screen to make sure I don't miss vital checks for my patients in rooms one through four. Man, in this computer screen, I look like Einstein with my hair strands coming out my French braids Lexi did earlier.

I know Sulley's brother would probably call me Einstein's sister.

I don't think I can take the quietness or absence of his cackling much longer. I can't wait to see him this Friday. The end of March came so quickly! I'm going to squeeze him so tight, he is going to pop into candy like a pinata.

I miss him so much.

I just miss his hands stroking my face, bruising the strands out of the way, him kissing me on the cheek, and squeezing me tight like I'm going to leave him. I miss hugs where it makes me feel like he is going to pop out my eyes with his big arms. I can't wait to cuddle with him. I actually learned how to slip out of his trachea crushing arms this time. I hadn't had much practice, but nailed my first escape attempt.

A toothy smile creeps on my face as I think about how he will be so surprised at my new acrobatics. According to Lexi, when we watched Amor En La Calle 33 last night, I ended up sideways on the bed, dangling my body like I was dead. I'm sure Big Bird would get a kick out of that.

I miss him so much. I don't think I could ever say that enough.

Sighing romantically, I click print to print out my new report sheet for the oncoming shift and badge out to log out of the computer. 

The butterflies have been really sick lately, missing their best friend. They have been sneezing and coughing more than my pneumonia patient in room four.

I think they're just as lovesick for Jaylan as much as I am.

Our separation has been the hardest thing for me yet in college besides being homesick. I didn't think I would feel the same way about Jaylan but I do. The feeling he gives me is a sense of home and belonging. I know we are not supposed to find refuge in a person like that but whenever I'm with Jaylan, I feel at home.

When Jaylan told me about his experience meeting Miss Evelyn's old boyfriend Nathan last Thursday, I didn't know what to think at first but I do know that it wasn't by accident. Jaylan needs people around him to champion him to do better. He needs a large circle in his life because he pushed it away for so long and he deserves support, not isolation.

I am proud of him that he made the effort to go by himself and face something like this alone. I think what happened to him was at the right time and at the right place.

He is so brave.

"Doctor Rhinestone, please report to the OR. Doctor Rhinestone please report to the OR," the overhead system pages.

My chest warms as I scan my eyes around the surroundings of my floor unit.

This is paradise.

I work in a closed in, small unit, with sliding glass doors for each room. My favorite part about the unit is that it is organized to the T, with labels everywhere where everything is. I haven't even had to organize a thing. The storage room is heaven. I could be there for hours, just looking out how the shelves are organized with all the supplies from alcohol pads, MRSA swabs, wound care supplies, needles and more.

Being here now, I am so glad I picked up this shift this morning. I just want to be here as much as possible before I start working alone, without the title Student in front of Nurse but instead Registered.

I can't believe I'm going to be a nurse in almost one more month. It's scary and exciting to think about. But I know this is what I am meant to do. It's hard to think that soon my parents and family will be here for graduation to see what I have been dedicating my life to. I know it's going to be very emotional because I'll be the first generation to graduate in our family and our first reunion together. 

Even though I am glad both my parents are coming, I really hope Mamá respects my wishes. I only want Isabela, Mateo, Her and Papá to be there, no one else. I know it's selfish on my part but I think it would be selfish if she brought Señor Ricardo along when it's just a Lucero family event.

I know it's childish but I hope she sees where I'm coming from.

My attention is drawn when I hear the zip of the curtain turning my head to see Quinn, my one coworkers, smiling big.

"Can someone toss me a saline flush?" Quinn says, sticking her head outside the patient's room.

Carter, my preceptor for the day, tosses it while he is looking in the metal drawers outside of the room next door. He knocks a few medicine cups over on the cart.  I smile, watching as Carter stuffs his pockets with saline flush in his burgundy scrub pocket because he can be pretty forgetful, like Jordy.  

"Jesus." Quinn laughs as she catches the saline flush.

Carter sucks his teeth and looks over at me with a big smile. "Hey Hard Worker, want to come turn a patient with me?"

Before I can answer, Ximena playfully pushes him and he stumbles dramatically, like Jaylan would. "Don't do anything for him, Carter needs to remember CNA's don't all do that work," she teases.

I furrow my brows because I'm really thinking about doing a reward system for both of them. I softly smack my lips and Ximena smiles big in Carter's face, standing on her tippy toes and pats his face. I think they like each other but you didn't hear that from me. Ximena and Carter walk into his patient room and close the sliding glass door and the patient curtain.

I snicker and walk to the printer, where I gaze at the telemonitor at all our patients' vitals one by one. Each patient vitals are considered at critical whether is their oxygen saturation, blood pressure, or heart rate.

To a regular person, this floor would be nerve wracking, with all the constant ringing and beeps from all the machines.The more I work on this floor, the more I want to stay here. Everyone here is so nice, willing to work together, and not let anyone fall. I think the best part of all of it is that my nursing manager is super nice and willing to let out a helping hand, unlike Luis who just sits on his big butt all day in his office listening to Bad Bunny and counting cash with his feet propped up.

I'm so glad I didn't pick a shift up before I left, even though I miss Elena. 

Maybe I should so she can do my hair. I could go for a deep conditioning.

Twisting my lips, I lift up my arm to write on the whiteboard neatly with a few colors to change for the next shift. When my Apple watch glows up, I see Señor Ricardo has texted me once again. Nibbling on my lip, I glance back at the whiteboard, making sure this too looks perfect.

"Don't you dare erase that!" Selma, our unit secretary, stops me before I erase Ashley, the night shift nurse's name.

Turning around Selma playfully presses her lips as she sips some of her water. I sheepishly grin and turn around, and my watch notifies me again that Señor Ricardo has texted me.

I know I should stop ignoring Señor Ricardo. It's been two weeks since he's been texting me non stop. Isabela was telling me during lunch time that he was even asking her how I have been or why I haven't answered him to schedule a time to talk. I guess it's because I just don't know what to say to him. 

The more he reaches out to me, the more I find myself getting angrier with my parents for not trying hard enough to avoid this. I didn't realize how much emotion I was still having inside with my parents divorce had so much depth to it that it's finally done. I found myself the last couple of weeks asking why or bargaining with God about bringing them back together. The more I understand life is continuing, the more it breaks my heart because what I want no longer exists at home.

I glance down at my round's paper with blurred vision, taking a deep breath and adding more to the patient report in room five because they have been having a hard time all day. Room five has had a hemorrhagic stroke, which means her brain is filled too much with blood. That creates an extreme amount of pressure and swelling that damages brain tissue and cells.

All this talk about strokes from school and seeing one upfront at work puts an eerie feeling in me about Papá.. I know I shouldn't think of those things but his actions from smoking can lead to this and when he-...

Never mind, I have to think positive. It just makes me nervous, especially because Papà  has stopped taking his important medications. I know it's not my responsibility but I just want him to take care of himself better.

I want him to meet Jaylan.

I want him to be healthy for a long time.

I want him to walk me down the aisle some day, kissing my cheek and crying.

I hear soft footsteps behind me and wiggle up my slumped shoulders. "Lizzie, you are always smiling. I love it, we need more people like you." My nursing manager Stephanie draws my attention away from the board.

Holding my paper close to my chest, some of the nurses who I worked with today gather around the nurses station.  Decorations that are still up I put up for Spring on my last shift last Friday. I kind of went overboard but do want to incorporate celebrating holiday with my coworkers.

They never really decorated up here, considering they don't have time, so I took the opportunity to revamp our nursing station bulletin board and hung a flower mobile above Selma's desk. It actually looks inviting despite the circumstances on this floor. I was so happy they enjoyed Tamale Day, when I got Luis to deliver tamales for the nurses station. He definitely was happy about that because of his big, fat check.

He gets on my nerves.

"I just want to stick you in my pocket!" Kathy beams, heightening her voice to sound like me. She clasps her hands together, catching the warm blanket she wrapped around her shoulders in her hands.

"You act like it's super cold in here, I'm dying." Ximena huffs, as she walks past him with an IV medication bag, waving it like a fan.

Kathy rolls her eyes as she presses her lips at Ximena. Selma snorts as she puts together a discharge packet on her desk. One of our patients is leaving the floor to go to IMC, which is an ICU step down unit.

"Girl, you are always hot," Selma adds, as Ximena sticks out her tongue like she is dying.

"I'm hot because I'm working, unlike some people." She presses her lips, flickering her eyes up and down at Carter, who mirrors the same look.

Bouncing my shoulders and giggling softly at them bickering about who works harder this shift, I check my list of patients who need their blood drawn before shift change.

"Has Dr. Blue come back up yet?" Stephanie breaks the conversation between Ximena and Carter.

"Not since, the rapid, no," Vera chimes in, holding the unit phone away from her ear.

Stephanie grumbles walks to her office, dialing on her phone. She's probably trying to hunt down our Intensivist  for the day because he always likes to take breaks in the doctor's lounge on the main level.

Oh, Dr.Blue.

Bouncing my shoulders, I unplug my vitals machine and put the cord in the holder. I begin to push my cart, making my way to the first room.

Entering my first patient room, I go to the sink and wash my hands. The more I have worked here, the more I want to stay at this hospital specifically on this floor. I have grown accustomed to the routine and my coworkers.

I have tried not to get too comfortable because I was wondering about Mateo and his next steps but he keeps telling me not to worry. It does hurt my feelings that he doesn't want to be together. 

I'm not sure why he doesn't want to be near me. It's not like I'm going to control his life, I just want him not to feel alone like I did in school. He doesn't understand how lonely it can get, especially being in an entire new country, not really written in Spanish, people don't look like you, or talk like you. I mean, I know Florida has a big Latinx and Hispanic community but it's just not the same like back at home.

Selfishly, I just want to quit here and move where Mateo is but I have to think about everything.

Including Jaylan and Isabela.

Even though Mr. Hendrix can't speak, it's always good to still greet your comatose patient. "Good Afternoon Mr. Hendrix, I'm just coming in to do a safety check and your vitals," I speak loudly.

Mr. Hendrix has been here for four years because he has diabetic ketoacidosis. KA develops when your body doesn't have enough insulin to allow blood sugar into your cells for use as energy. His medication is working as we work to reduce swelling in his brain through medication but his lab work is still critical and he is going to be here for a while.

Twisting my lips, I walk over to Mr. Hendrix, fix his blanket, and do my safety survey to make sure there isn't clutter, wheels are locked, bed at lowest position and wallboard. That is the first thing in nursing school I will never forget is to keep your patient safe at all times. Pulling down my purple pen off my badge reel, I write down his vital signs on my rounds paper.

I really do want to talk about what's been going on at home tonight with Jaylan because I know getting rid of all my stress will help me think and process the next steps. I really don't want to think about the future considering I haven't even heard back about my green card status and that's really weighing me down too. If I thought the interviewing process was tough in my junior year, just waiting to here if I'm accepted or not into this country has been torture.

I just want to start making plans with Jaylan and my friends. Jaylan has been sending me little things about Disney World, which I don't know why he has that stuck on his radar. We watched Lion King last friday after my shift because it was his favorite to watch with his mom. He said he had a stuff Simba but can't remember what he did with it. Of course, the stuffed animal abuser would lose such a treasure. He even teased me last night about how Simba and Nahla look at each other when he pins her under the moonlight, and said I give him that look when we play one of my games.

I do not!

Relaxing my eyebrows, I wash my hands again and walk out of the room. A few night shift nurses are already looking at the board, impressed by their assignment. It warms my heart that no one here complains because our job is to take care of our patients, not pick and choose them.

After my situation with Ava the other day, she has been invisible, probably resting her ankle or embarrassed I set her straight. I still can't believe I did that all by myself and feel proud about it. I did check to see if she deleted her photos of Jaylan but she blocked me from seeing anything. 

I guess it's better that way.

Shrugging my shoulders, I push the vitals cart to the next room. Before stepping in, my attention is drawn to the family going in room five. They have been here all day, just checking in on their family members. It makes me think back to when Papà was recovering from his myocardial infarction, all alone because Mamá. refused to see him because she felt guilty and angry through the whole situation. It not only traumatized me but also Isabela and Mateo. 

I remember one day after Papà was recovering, I spent all day with him making sure he was eating okay, not in pain and just sitting beside him. It was a long couple of days and I even skipped school because I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I still wonder about that every day.

Sighing, I continue to do my vitals and bed changes for everyone before the next shift. I didn't realize the time had  because when changing a patient or cleaning them up can turn into a day's work, especially in a critical care setting.

I plug my vitals cart back in and turn to see everyone gathered around the nurses station with the night shift nurses talking to do shift change. I look around looking for Tameka when I see her push her long braids to the side on her shoulder as she looks at the white board. 

Tameka has been a Critical Care Tech for twelve years. She said she loves this side of things when it comes to bedside because she can give them extra care and attention. Plus she hates school and doesn't want to go back. I'm still saving my notes for her because I know she will go back eventually.

"Hey, short lady." Tameka smiles, looking down at me.

Trying not to knit my brows together, she slyly grins at me and tugs me into her arms. "How was the shift? How was five most of all?"

I sigh, giving her a crooked smile and she presses her lips. "Do I want to know? Actually, never mind," Tameka playfully dismisses, waving her hands in the air.

"Well, you don't have to worry about glucose readings at least." I sheepishly shrug and Tameka's eyes soften.

"Why do you excel at your job?"

"Because you wouldn't like me if I didn't," I chime with a toothy grin.

"You are absolutely right, you are learning," Tameka teases, sipping her large coffee mug.

We gathered at the nurses station to do a group huddle, as my eyes kept catching glances at room five's families gathering around and caressing their family members' heads. My heart slowly picks up, thinking about how I stayed the first night with Papá at the hospital when he was recovering from surgery after his myocardial infarction.

"And I can't forget, Stephanie said we are getting new shirts for the unit. So, be sure to sign up and don't forget, whoever is working Easter, be sure to sign up for food selections. And don't take the meatballs, I'm doing it," Carter taunts.

We all press our lips at him and it makes me slip out a giggle because it's just another reminder why I like it here and don't want to leave.

My watch flashes again and I notice Novio texts again. I shake my head with a smile reading his text.

Mi Novio🦕💖: Nurse Lizzie you off shift yet, I miss you.

He is so impatient.

"Let's get these rounds done so you can go talk to Mister Soon to be NBA Player," Tameka teases, hooking her arm on to mine.

The telemonitor digs probably a preference monitor that comes off to regulate pulse and oxygen saturation. The constant beeping sounds draws my attention to see that Mr. Tuggle's heart rate is increasing little by little, from ninety to one hundred and ten.

I guess Ximena is repositioning Mr. Tuggle again to avoid skin breakdown.

"So are you excited about leaving?" Tameka asks as we walk closer to the break room to do report together.

"I am, I still have to pack," I admit.

I know I might look hypocritical because I was getting after Jaylan to pack right away but for me I have a lot to include and add. Jaylan also told me Jordy has forgotten a few things he took out of his suitcase after I packed it four times. I told him to bring his rainboots and now he can't play in puddles today because it's raining up there.

Snickering, I look over to Room Five and Mr. Tuggle's family congregates outside of his room. They all freeze still and an older lady pops out of the room.

"What's going on? Can somebody help!?" she shouts from the room.

Malcom, our Respiratory Therapist, rushes  into the room. All of us at the nurses station quiet down as the lady covers her mouth with shaky hands. The Chaplin pulls her and the other family members to the side. My heart shoots up to my throat as I quicken my pace, bringing the crash cart with Tameka. I cringe at the ding, alarming the whole unit and stopping all soft chatter from the nurses station.

"Code Blue... Fourth floor South Tower,  Code Blue Fourth floor South Tower... Code Blue Fourth South Tower... Code Blue Fourth floor South Tower..."

My heart beats harder with each announcement and I rush my feet as fast as they move.

"Oh my god, is this real right now!?" Vera squeals, rushing into the room as I enter in with Tameka. 

"Of course it's at the end of shift." Kathy huffs quietly.

The room is chaotic, with Ximena doing compressions and Malcom stands above the patient's head, trying to adjust the vent settings. Everyone is moving fast, cursing under their breath, and surrounding the patient with trying to assess what's going on and why he just crashed abruptly.

As much as I want to clam up, I swallow every bit of fear and lock the crash cart, breaking the seal. I fight back the trembles that threaten my fingers, press the defibrator machine, and get the pacer pads out. Dr. Blue comes rushing in and starts giving out orders to save our patient.

"Get a round of Epi Started!" he barks out.

The wails and howls outside of the room from Mr. Tuggle's family strains my focus as I place the pads on the patient's chest as Ximena works on our patient. Seeing the chest recoil up and down and hearing the ribs cracking makes my stomach churn trying to shove out the memory of Papá.

"Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty," Ximena breathes out, with her hair flying wildly over her shoulder.

"Alright, switch!" Dr. Blue orders as he is doing his assessment.

Carter begins CPR again as we all look at the monitor for rhythm from the patient but still nothing. The room stills with silence except for the sounds of his pounding chest compressions. We can't administer a shock unless we see ventricular fibrillation or  pulseless ventricular tachycardia but this our patient is completely asystole.

My throat is burning like someone has caught it on fire as I get ready for my role to administer a shock once Carter is finishing his count but no rhythm is coming but the only sound of the constant flatline rings through my ears, making my skin crawl at our patient not coming back. 

"Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty." Carter's ragged breathing ends. Tameka switches and begins compressions.

"How is that Epi?"

"Running, Doc," Kathy says confidently, as she adjusts the line on the patient. Crack after crack, Tameka continues compressions but no heartbeat.

Paddles still in my hands, my knees feel shaky. My breathing shortens and I brace against the wall. Trying to break my traumatic experience with Papá..

"Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty," she says, glancing up at the monitor and still nothing. 

Ximena switches in but by the time she starts compressing, Dr. Blue shakes his head because there is no rhythm coming back, which makes my heart leap into my mouth. 

"Twenty-ten," Dr. Blue announces, wiping the sweat across his forehead.

"Twenty-ten...Bierda," Ximena softly says, wiping her sweat off her forehead.

"Twenty-ten,"  Stephanie calls quietly.

The howls of the family could be heard outside the sliding glass door. I clear my throat as Carter pats me on the back and whispers, 'good job.' I feel like I didn't do much but I guess remaining calm is important, no matter what. I feel like I'm going to be a nervous wreck as soon as I step foot out of the hospital. 

Dr.Blue opens the sliding glass door first, where the howls and cries break all of our hearts.

Tameka taps my shoulder and I look down at my crocs as my vision blurs up. Hot tears rise into my eyes and my chest tightens. I swallow all the bees down to the pit of my stomach and take a deep breath. We all congregate at the nurses station again in silence while recovering from the toughest part of our job. 

Tameka and I quietly go over the report while I watch the family say their goodbyes. It's hard not to look because of all their slumping shoulders and sluggish postures. We finish up our report and I grab my things to leave the floor as quickly as possible. I even take the stairs and, with every step, my heart just continues to pull from thinking about what I fear the most.

I know it's probably cruel to just work on the floor like i'm torturing myself but to work on this floor is to heal from what happen to Papá. I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll to find his number just to check on how he is doing anyway.

The fresh cool spring air caresses my face as I put my phone to my ear as it rings a few times until I get voicemail. I sigh and stick my phone back into my pocket.

Maybe he will call later. 

I notice a familiar blonde walking with a crowd of people, making me clutch on to my phone because she has yet to still contribute to the project nor even reach out to either Spencer, Jessica or I.  It's coming down to the wire and we almost done pretty much done with a few things we have to find resources for.

As Carly and I cross paths, we share glances at each other until she quietly says goodbye to her friends from work.

"Lizzie!" Carly shouts.

I'm Lizzie now?

I spin my crocs as I turn to see her in the complete opposite uniform as me. In the ER, everyone has to wear black and in ICU we wear burgundy. It helps identify unit nurses in case of emergencies, like this evening in a code blue situation, because most of the time ICU nurses are in charge of codes to give delegation to other nurses.

"Yeah?"

The silence between us made me clasp my hand over my arm and step backwards.  Carly observes me and clears her throat. "Hey, uhh... I'm sorry I haven't been meeting up with you guys. I, just... well, have been busy here and Lacrosse is coming up too," she notes.

Nodding, I twist my lips, stepping back again. "Well, our last meeting is Tuesday and we are turning it in on Wednesday before spring break."

I want to get our project in because It's one last thing I want to worry about and stress over before I see Jaylan.

"Okay, umm... could I email what I have?" She squints our eyes.

The butterflies begin to growl in my tummy, shaking their fists at her for waiting until the last minute to include what she has. "Sure, but we kind of have everything," I mention.

"Well, I want credit, so I'm sending my notes later," she bitterly says.

Drawing my eyebrows together, I try to figure out what she is trying to imply. "Okay, well you need to send all your notes," I snap softly back.

"You know how important this is, it's half our grade," she reminds me coldly.

Is she kidding right now?

"Right well, send what you have and I'll put it on," I recite dryly, blinking a few times.

"You don't have to be rude about it." Carly sizes me up and down.

We stand in the middle of the parking garage, almost as strangers, and all the things I want to say to her are out the window because I realize she's showing me her true colors. But I also just want to know why, after all these years of spending time with each other, she all of sudden is rude to me .

I swallow softly and step back again and turn my back from her. I hear her whisper something under her breath and keep walking. It still bothers me to this day why she just turned her back on me but I guess it's best not to have people who don't have your best interest have any influence in your life.

I sigh as I continue to walk in the parking garage, approaching Jaylan's car when my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket. I dig through my scrubs' pocket, pulling out an alcohol packet, m&ms candy wrapper, and saline flush.

Good lord.

I laugh, shaking my head and getting my phone to see it's Papà. I eagerly press accept and place my phone to my ear.

"¡Qué onda! (What's up)" Papà beams, like he is twenty one years old again.

A soft laugh escapes from my lips as I step near Jaylan's car. "¡Qué onda! Papà! (Whats up)"

"¿Qué pasa con la voz triste? (What's with the sad voice?)" He inspects, knowing he is probably furrowing his eyebrows.

That's where I get it from, he does it so well.

I sigh with a faint smile and look down at my crocs for a second. "No es nada, solo me alegro de poder escuchar tu voz (It's nothing, i'm just glad i could hear your voice)" My chest slowly releases tightness still lingering of the adrenaline rush. 

Papà coos, "Es agradable escuchar tu voz a Elizabeth. (It's nice to hear your voice too, Elizabeth)"

'Te extraño Papà  (I miss you)," I softly say.

"Yo tambien te extraño elizabeth (I miss you too Elizabeth)" I hear the familiar flick noise in the back, which feels like a strike into my heart.

I softly hum knowing the sound which causes me to sniffle, slowing up my pace around the parked cars. "¿Ayudó el dinero? (Did the money help?)"

The last time I spoke to him was last Thursday morning when he needed more money and honestly he hasn't bothered me about it since. So many he didn't use the money that I think he used it for.

He exhales and slightly coughs "Si muchas gracias. Me retuvo hasta que recuperé todo el dinero de la pesca.(Yes, thank you very much. It held me over until i got all the fishing money back.)

Faintly smiling, I glance at a few cars to my right side, noticing the sun setting with hues of pink and indigo as I ascend up in the parking garage. Silence takes over the phone call as I hear him inhale and exhale softly. I know exactly what he is doing and hope the money I gave him didn't support this.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I ask a question I know he won't give me a straight answer to, "¿Cómo te sientes?(How are you feeling?)" I quiz, continuing to pass a couple for cars.

"¡Tu papá se siente joven como siempre! (Your Dad feels young as always)"

Snickering, I sink my teeth in my lower lip because Papa refuses to believe he is getting older since he listens to Bad Bunny too and tries to wear all the hip clothes like Mateo.

"Papaaaaà, '' I drag his name, knowing how I feel about him. He laughs with a slight cough at the end, making me freeze up as I reach Jaylan's car. 

"No quiero que te preocupes, tu papá está bien. (I don't want you to worry, your Papa is doing just fine)" He assures, with another slight cough.

Drawing my eyebrows together, I press the start button on Jaylan's car, which rumbles through the parking garage. This thing is too loud, just like him. "Solo te estoy revisando (I'm just checking up on you)."

"Elizabeth," Papà softly scolds.

Sheepishly smiling, I pull open Jaylan's driver side door and get in, throwing all my stuff on top of all these candy wrappers. I really need to get all of them out before Jaylan does get my conga drum with his big paws. I have a lot of stars on that chart.

"Lo siento," I softly say.

"Está bien, pero tienes que confiar en que yo estaré bien. sin negatividad (It 's okay but you have to trust that  i will be okay. No negativity)" He reminds me.

I sigh holding back my discontentment as I hear him cough louder, making me cringe at how his dry cough has gotten worse. Holding back my tongue, I connect the bluetooth to my phone, magnifying his cough more in Jaylan's car.

"Bien, sin negatividad (Right, No Negativity)," I rasp.

All the emotions that came back from ten minutes ago begin to rise once I click my seatbelt. My fingers tremble, the same hands that helplessly held the paddles until they weren't needed.

"solo confía en mí, está bien (Just trust me okay?)" he assures me with one last exhale.

"Lo haré, Papá, me tengo que ir. Te hablaré más tarde. te amo,(I will, Papa, I have to go. I will talk to you later. love you)" I speed up my words as tears stream down my face.

Papà sighs disappointedly. "Yo también te amo (I love you too)."

With the hang up, I slump over on the steering wheel. The tears come quickly into my eyes and roll down my cheeks. My shoulders violently shake and I squeeze my eyes shut from the burning sensations my tears leave behind.

I need Big Bird.

Edited and spiced by still_just_me

---

Hey nurse student and LPN here,

Code blue is scary, you feel like you're going to poop your pants, walls closing in and everyone is running around. it's a lot harder to write about a code blue if you never experienced it before. I may not have gotten it all accurate, but I hope you understand what Lizzie is going through.