Everyone comes to college to numb their pain.

For anyone with a past as fucked up as mine, college is a place to start over and forget about the agonizing childhood that forced us to run away.

In college, you can pick your poison to numb it all. Some people choose relationships, alcohol, sports, drugs, sex, pornography, cleaning, piercings, tattoos, books, and food.

Hell, some people drown themselves in their schoolwork. The lengths people will go to in order to avoid what's real and painful inside of them is unmeasurable.

I can't really say that I have a choice of poison because what I've done all of what I listed except school... I'm not sure why anyone would numb their pain in homework.

That's a dark kind of sadistic punishment.

Numbness, the feeling of not feeling anything at all, is the best kind of feeling because you're not alone in your emotions. It's an outer body experience I can't explain when you just don't feel anything. It's true bliss.

It would be nice if I didn't have to feel at all. Sometimes, I want to be here and sometimes I don't. Living on earth sometimes feels like my life is a punishment after what I've been through.

Not even college could numb that.

My numbness is loneliness and college is the worst place for me to be. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. Nobody wants to feel alone. I should have no excuse to feel lonely, but I do. Everyone loves me, appreciates me, and worships me but all of it means nothing to the dark ambience that surrounds my heart.

A dark spirit hovers over me everywhere I go, with nowhere to hide. So, what I do is to numb it with the beautiful bliss of.... fuck, oxytocin....

Fuck, that shit is good stuff.

My chest rises and falls as Ava squeezes my balls, roughly massaging and stirring up cum in me.

"Fuck," I groan as I release deep in Ava's throat.

I fist her hair tightly, causing her to moan my cock. She glances up at me with her hooded, watery black mascara stained eyes as she swirls her tongue around me, licking me clean. 

"Show me." I rasp

Her tongue is dotted with my cum.

"Good morning." she rasps, swiping the corner of her mouth with her middle finger.

Rays of sunlight hit my room, reflecting on her milky, bare skin. I release her blonde hair as she kisses my tip. Cracking a devious smile, Ava moves up my body, like the sinful snake she is kissing up my body.

Her hair falls in front of my face, allowing me to smell the cheap strawberry shampoo she uses. My eyes are captivated by her fake nails that sprawl across my chest as she leans down and kisses the nape of my neck.

"Mmm I had fun last night." Ava plants another soft kiss on my neck.

"Did you?" I lick my bottom lip, take a deep breath, shut my eyes, and surrender control to her.

"I want you," Ava murmurs seductively and plants a gentle kiss on my lips. "Again."

I shift my lips a bit from the aftertaste of peach Smirnoff emanating from her breath, which utterly turns me off.

"Nah, we're done," I brush her off, wrapping my hands around her waist.

"Seriously, this is the first time since Christmas break" she defends, pinning me with her eyes.

And it was great being apart.

Ava and I met during college tours in our senior year of high school.  She was going through a breakup and I was going through dark shit.  When you mix all that together gives a you delusional hallow entanglement.

Without a comment, I glance over at my window but her two fingers shift under my chin back to her. "I know you missed me or you wouldn't have asked." She purred out fanning her breath in my ear.

I needed a release actually, Holidays are always the worst for me.

"If you say so" i dismiss.

"I know so. Come on" Her hand travels down between my chest, causing my blood to boil and my nostrils to flare.

"I have shit to do Ava." catching her hand.

Puffing the air, "Can't you do it later"  She lets out a high pitch whine as I palm her ass.  She tries to sway me by giving me a kiss while rubbing her erect nipples against my pecs.

"It's time to go"  I slap her ass, which causes her to yelp. She bites her lip seductively, then kisses me again. 

"Jaylan" she huffs.

"Don't you have some sorority shit or somethin?" I say dryly as her eyes flicker mine.

"Nooo" she dances her index finger nearby my mom's name above underneath my pec but I quickly grasp it.  "Stop."

No one touches her tattoo.

"I cleared my plans so we could have Saturday morning to cuddle and watch Netflix?" Ava heightens her voice.  "Oh and definitely go to that candle making place downtown D-"

Rolling my eyes, "Nah, I got shit to do."

"Please, please" She pokes out her lip and kisses my face, but I've had my high and it's time for her to leave.

"No"

"Don't be such a grouch" She playfully hops over me and hides under the covers.

"Ava come on"  I groan, wiping my hand down my face as she grins up at me with mischief in her eyes.

Oh fuck no.

I yank the covers down, revealing her round tits on full display and she giggles in anticipation as if I want round three. I rest my palm on her stomach and she bites her lip.

"Ava."

"You know you want me to stay" she purrs.

This is what I get.

"No, I want you to go."

Ava presses her lips as me and swings over on top of me and starts making out with me again. Pulling back, "Av-"

She deepens the kiss, exploring every inch of my mouth as if we've never kissed before. I cringe every time I taste the God-forsaken peach Smirnoff. She grazes her teeth at my lower lip, pulling and sucking. I graze her neck and push her back.

"Ava come on, we are done," I laugh dryly, moving her off me.

"Jaylan, but you sai-" Ava recites the lies I told her to get her here.

"I know what I said, but I'm done," I clip.

Ava glances at me and it almost like her soul left her body. Her eyes darken and forcefully presses her hands against my chest.

"You're an asshole," she insults, heaving up her brow.

"Because I have stuff to do?"

"Because you're a fucking idiot!"

Here we go again.

She pulls the covers off me, making the draft hit me real hard. She begins to curse under her breath, searching for her clothes thrown all over the room. Slapping my hands with a long drag over my face regret pains me.  The room echoes my aggravation as my hands tremor and I let out a loud grunt.

"I can't believe I was stupid to believe you again!" she growls.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to even deal with her scary ass again.

Running my hands down my face "I told you what's up last night in case you forgot."

"In case you forgot, you said you missed me." She gives me a frosty look ignoring my comment as she searches the room for her stuff. 

"I was drunk."

Ava laughs sarcastically. "Drunk, okay what about all those text during break or oh yeah the night before you left." She hinted.

I get lonely who doesn't.

"But you fell for it." I hinted.

A muscle in her jaw twitch "Fuck you"

I'm not even looking to argue because the entanglement I have with Ava has been completely hard to get out of. I've tried so many times but some how we always find each other again.

Ava throws her hands "I can't keep doing this Jaylan! Do you know who I am!"

"Ava Brady." Mocking her with a smile.

"Fuck... You" she breaks the syllables as she pinches her fingers together at me.

"Is that all you can say?"Breathing a chuckle, she huffs under her breath.

I'm not sure why she is pressed. Our original agreement was to fuck with no feeling attached but she is so strong willed that I will change but I don't want that

The whole damn school knows who the fuck Ava Brady is.

Ava is sexy and she knows it making her ego sky rocket higher than Maxine Jordan. 

At least she can humble herself sometimes.

Ava is the 'It' girl on all social media platforms and yes of course she is a cheerleader... and yes of course she in Alpha Chi Omega. The culture vulture of the campus according to Jordy.

I know big winner here.

The typical classic D1 Black Athlete fooling around with a blonde chick.

At first she was the sweetest person I met until I met her family and shit went south and I wanted no parts but she continued to go against her parents wishes by dating me or least she thought.

It was already a mistake sleeping with her not once... not twice, but almost all four goddamn years of college. I know I should adventure out which I do but I can't help but to keep coming back to her because she gives me enough satisfaction in the moment and if I'm honest she knows parts of me.

Which fucking scares me.

"I knew I shouldn't have come here. I should left with Peter or Matthew." Ava admits, stealing one of my basketball scrimmage shirts.

"Why didn't you?" Smiling wider as her eyes burns with fire.

"Next time, use you fucking hand" she continues.

"Ava, how many times do we have to talk about this," I ask her, referring to the conversation we've had many times about our little arrangement being just about sex.

"Jaylan!" She huffs and draws her breath, glaring at me.

"Ava," I mock, with a smug grin.

Oh lord, here we go with the waterworks.

"You make me look like a dumb blonde fooling with you." She scoffs, slanting her eyes.

If it's one thing Ava is she is not dumb academically.  She may make foolish choices but she is one of the smartest girls I know. With her political family background and her pursuit after her education matters.

"I don't think so." Leaning back on the bed, she continues to rant throwing my clothes in the process.

"I hope you bump your head one day before graduation and actually make a commitment," She fusses, putting her black skinny jeans on.

"This is the last time Jaylan" she warns.

"Last time this week?" I chuckle and suddenly a pillow hits me dead in the face.

"Don't be a fucking ass!" Her voice screeches in my room.

"Jaylan seriously this is the last time." Her eyes soften but there is glint shinning over that.

Silence fills the air between us as I watch her wait for a hearty response she's not going to get.

"Are you sure?" I arch my brow. Her eyes scan up and down at me like a barcode. 

"I'm not going to wait around for you. You're never going to find someone who can do what I can do or will do" pointing to herself.

I chuckle, rubbing my jaw as she continues on about how I'm not shit.
"Oh I know"

"Fuck you," she barks, tying her hair up tightly in a high bun.

My lips curl up as my eyes travel head to toe "Kind of already did" I add fueling to the fire, making her crinkle her nose.

She throws her hands up in the air and brushes past me to get her phone, stuffing in her pocket.

I reach over and grab her waist. She shoves my chest, but I pull her to me. A laugh escapes from my lips as her nostrils flare, so being the ass that I am, I tap her nose. "Relax."

"You always think everything's a game," she criticizes, pressing her lips together.

"Ava, it was your choice to come over here," I remind for the last time, making her shove my chest again.

"This is the last time Jaylan," she final warning, gathering her discarded clothes to her chest.

"We will see" I wink  at her frustration because I know she'll be back later this week. This is nothing that hasn't happened before.

"I'm serious." A sparkle in her eye as she wrinkles her nose.

"So, are you comin back Thursday?" I taunt.

"UGH you disgust me!" Ava grouses, reaching for the door.

"See you Thursday," I heckle, only to receive the middle finger in return.

She walks out my room, slamming the door behind her. All I can do is chuckle at her haughty behavior because I know she'll be begging again by Thursday. Friday at the most typically after a game.

Just watch.

I know I'm an asshole but that front keeps me from getting attached. It's a good feeling to just not have any obligations but just doing me. I know some people don't like it, but I could give zero fucks about anyone's feelings. No one can tell me how to live my life instead of me.

That's the beauty of it.

I sigh deeply, getting up from bed and walking into my bathroom to take a quick shower to get rid of Ava's lingering fruity scent. That girl is forever trying to smell good but overdoing the perfume is a turn-off. I think she does it to make her territory in case I bring other girls over here.

Shutting my eyes as I lean forward, letting the hot water hit my body. Man, my body hurts from the game last night but we won our home opener against Indiana after being in the road.

It was a close one and honestly, I thought Coach T was going to explode into a million pieces when Rashad turned over the ball and let Indiana tie us. I could have killed him for making us work extra hard last night, but we pulled it off.

I sigh heavily, thinking about how Rashad is the one guy on the team who quickly gives up when the pressure is on. It still puzzles me why he even plays anymore. I never really bonded with him because he doesn't carry the same heart on the court like the rest of us. His heart became weary when school became his primary focus. I know Uncle Steve says treat a brother the same and no different, but Rashad is different.

His heart is just not in it anymore and it's a shame.

Shutting off the water, I reach to wrap my light blue towel around my lower body. With one of my hands, I swipe away the steam on the mirror above the sink and inspect my short-cropped beard. It's a little shaggy in some places, so I secure my towel and do a quick trim-up. As I move, the muscles that basketball blesses me with clench and flex under my inked skin.

Like a lot of ballers, I have a lot of ink. Thirty-five so far paint my chest, back, arms, stomach, thighs, and calves. Each one has a special meaning. Together, they tell my story and I'm not done getting more.

Once my beard outlines my jawline perfectly, I stride out of my bathroom to hear the front door shut and take a roommate inventory.

I wonder who that could be... It can't be Hollis because he is in New York, working something out with his mom. It can't be Jordy because he is at work and it couldn't be Marcus, he came home last night, or... Oh shit...

A boyish grin comes across my face, knowing the deed was done.

It's about fucking time.

I hurriedly dry myself off and get dressed so I can hear about Marcus's night with Maxine Jordan.

Another It Girl at UMD but she is THE IT Girl.

She is unquestionably a badass and balls like a dude from Cherry Hill. I smirk, thinking about last night at ODK house last night throwing the basketball team a party for the win. Marcus called dibs on her at first sight at the party and still worked her over all night when I left with Ava.

He really did it.

I pick up the painted wooden crate and stuff the dime bags deep in my jean pockets. Following that, I grab my palm brush and phone off my nightstand.

Fucking Ava, leaving all her shit.

I groan and toss her lip gloss right in the trash and exit my room.

Skipping a few steps down the stairs, heading right into the kitchen. This is our second year in the same townhome, big and spacious separate bedrooms, and plenty of off-campus privacy. While brushing my hair and walking to the island, I cackle when I see Marcus waterfalling Hollis's orange juice with no shame, knowing good and well that it's going to piss him off. That man is territorial about his orange juice.

I'll just buy him some more to avoid an old fashion New Yorker meltdown.

"Dummy, you wrong for that," I taunt, provoking Marcus to splash some on the floor, laughing at my Baltimore accent.

"He got money," Marcus sucks his teeth, wiping the corner of his mouth.

"True"

He is not wrong Hollis is the wealthiest dude on the team compared to the rest of us on scholarship.

"So, Big Red." I waste no time with a cocky grin.

He mirrors me with the same dumb grin while closing the cap of the OJ.

"I ain't saying a word," Marcus replies slyly, revealing his pearly white teeth.

Knowing the history between Fireball and Marcus I know he is head over heels right now he finally got some ass from her it's a seal deal.

"Now you got to." I sit on the bar stool and lean forward onto my elbows.

"Nah" Marcus cheeses hard as he rubs the back of his neck, unsure how to explain his porno night with Maxine Jordan. From the stories I hear about that girl and her apparent love for the Kama Sutra and I know she put Marcus a run for his money.

I place my brush down on the side of the counter as he takes the Coco Puffs off the top shelf and tosses the box to me.

"Oh, it was that kind of night," I note, with a hard cheese.

The only response was just a wide ass grin so big that his teeth could fall out. He takes the two big green cereal bowls, placing them on the counter. I grab one as he chuckles again.

"I mean..." Marcus stretches the 'e' with a permanent smile as he goes back into the refrigerator to grab the milk.

"You went back to her place?" I assume, pouring the Coco Puffs into the bowl for each of us.

"I did, and she rode me all night like a bull," Marcus geeks, putting the milk jug on the counter.

"She never lets a dude in her house," I gasp like a teenage girl.

He throws his head back and cackles.

"But I'm that dude," Marcus grins.

"Sounds like a night to remember," pouring the milk into my cereal.

"She's a freak though." Marcus flashes another cocky grin and slides the spoon to me.

"I bet all that built-up tension she got on the court paid off," I chuckle and take a spoonful of Coco Puffs.

"Would have had some more roads if her roommate didn't wake the whole damn house up playing salsa music." He furrows his eyebrows slightly.

Roommate?

"I thought she only had Alexis as her roommate and only her?" I quiz, adding a chuckle.

"That's what I thought until I saw shorty having a fiesta." Marcus cackles, throwing his head back.

Glancing up with an arch brow, "A fiesta?" I muse, scrolling through Instagram to see if Ava is posting her rants again about how 'men ain't shit.'

It's actually pretty entertaining.

Last time, she had thousand views on her live show last week about how jersey chasers need to stay in their lane or some shit.

She was just mad I took home her teammate. I grin, thinking about how she has all these basketball supposed girlfriends around the states agreeing on her shit. We all know most of them are desperate jersey-chasers just like her, whose legs open with just one second of attention from us.

"Yeah, a full blown one. I thought MJ and Alexis were boujee as they always are and hired a maid or some shit. But nah, it's their roommate cleaning without a care in the world, like nobody was there. Shaking her ass and shit." Marcus rants with a quiet laugh.

"Whhhhattttt"

Since when did Alexis and Maxine allow anyone to be their roommate? I always just see the two of them strutting around campus parties and bars, finessing their way for drinks and food.

"Turns out she's been living with them for four years and they're best friends, from what I gathered, " Marcus chuckles and slurps the cereal from his spoon.

"Damn, is she fine tho?" I laugh, finishing the last bit of my cereal.

Marcus sucks his teeth "That's all you got out of that?"

My lips curl up licking my lips. "I pick and choose what I want to hear."

He groans playfully and presses he lips. "She is a fucking ten, yo. Latina girl, big tits and fat ass, and banging body for being short. I'm surprised Maxine didn't squish her with her foot this morning. I do appreciate her, though; she reactivated my childhood. " Marcus raves, scrolling through Tik Tok.

"She kind of reminds me of Jordy." He breathes a chuckle.

A female Jordy?

There is nobody like my dog Jordy tho.

"Interesting. Did you get her name?" I ask, placing my phone down on the table.

Marcus flatten his lips and cracks a smile.  "I think Elisa, Eliza, Lucia, Lizzie, or Elizabeth somethin'" Marcus list, shaking his head uncertainly.

"Damn, you did not understand the assignment," I groan and rise up from the barstool, drinking milk in my cereal bowl.

Silence takes over and we both cackle echoing through the house.

"From the looks of it, she too innocent and shy for you. Not your type" Marcus dismisses the conversation.

He isn't wrong but still can shoot my shot.  Slanting my eyes "Do you even care about my well being?"

Marcus shakes his head with a smile.  "Yo, shut up."

"So, are you and Red Fox...?" I drag out and he just grins, stabbing his cereal.

"Sneaky link for now." He states with slump shoulders.

I know Marcus has always had feelings for Big Red but he on a slope I don't personally think he shouldn't go down.  She has too many issues.

"Are you okay with that?" I inquire, watching him grin really wide.

His mouth set a hard line "It is, what it is"

Smacking my lips. "Stop playin" I cackle after. "How long has this been goin on?"

"Three weeks ago, before Christmas break." He grins while eating his cereal, a little milk dripping down his chin.

"Three weeks ago," I ask in suspense, and he grins more.

Wait a damn minute.

"At the Grit Night?"

Good ol' Grit Night, when we play against Maryland's women's basketball team. The friendly game is just to show some school spirit before the end of the semester. Some of those girls will end up pro but, let me tell you, Explosive Dynamite was on Marcus the whole night and I guess she was on him afterwards too.

More than once, she would 'accidentally' brush her ass against his dick, not that he complained.

"Yup" He cheeses bigger, and I chuckle.

I knew something was going to happen when Marcus snatched the ball out of her hands and I got the slam dunk.

Still on Tik tok.

You do not make Maxine Jordan look like a fool on the court.

"No wonder you are glowing," I laugh.

He sucks his teeth "Shut up!"

Relaxing my smile, "And y'all just fuckin though?" I confirm, arching a brow.

"Yeah, dam," he concludes, and I chuckle.

"Cappin"

"No cap"

"Rightttttt" I tease

Marcus cuts his eyes because he knows this is going to brew into a disaster. The two combined are me when it comes to sex. I don't even know what to think about them, but eventually, their relationship is not going to be pretty, considering they are both very dominant.

"So now back to Big Red's roommate, how fat is this cleaning girl's ass though?" I joke, causing Marcus to slant his eyes.

He chuckles at my fuck boy tendencies, but I'm dead serious.

"Out of your league," Marcus emphasized 'your' making me chuckle.

"How come," I challenge with a boyish grin across my face, only for Marcus to just shake his head disapproving of my interest.

"For starters, Max would kick your ass all the way back to ova west," Marcus mocks, attempting to sound like me with my Baltimore accent.

I chuckle as I rub the back of my neck. "Where do they live again?" I taunt because any girl Marcus thinks is a ten is an actual ten.

I retain my boyish grin on my face, waiting for a response from Marcus, but he cuts me off and sucks his teeth. "I already said enough." By the way he drops his eyes, Marcus regrets the information he shouldn't have disclosed to this monster.

"I'll find out about her eventually," I slyly conclude and put the bowl in the sink.

"I'd rather keep my ball sacs; where you left to early?" Marcus furrows his brow as he watches me reach for my phone on the kitchen island.

"Just shit to handle," I sigh in discontent and pick up my car keys.

"Yo, I hope you get drafted this year. I'm sick of your hoodrat shit," Marcus says, trying to insult me with wisdom. But little does he know; this is my last round and I'm done with PJ for good.

He grips his spoon and I give him a cocky smile.

"It's the fuckin' motto," I sarcastically say, the put my black Nike Hat on backward.

"Motto," Marcus mocks me with a chuckle. "Baltimore people don't have no fuckin chill." Marcus pours more cereal into his bowl, shaking his head in disappointment because I know he cares about me, or at least he thinks he does.

"All day, every day," I gloat, shooting him a smile.

"This time don't get caught. I'm not going to help you." He reaffirms and fires bullets at me with his gaze, knowing it's all for love and that he'll do anything to protect me.

"I never do," I remind him with a grin.

Edited by: still_just_me