Content Warning
*Mild Mature Content

*If you experience a parent who struggles with nicotine or any drug, this maybe triggering. Please read with your discretion.

Jaylan breathes really sexy when he sleeps.

Is that even possible?

The sound of Jaylan's low breathing in my ear sends chills down my spine. My eyes are wide awake with the biggest smile on my face but I'm unable to breath from lack of oxygen. He is trapping me in his death grip choke hold. I guess I can't help it, the side he's sleeping on is comfier.

I shift my eyes up to see him at full rest after a successful Valentine's Day. Wearing a cute smile and relaxed face, he looks almost like a kid happy playing with a toy he always wanted...

Me.

I softly giggle and he shifts a bit, pulling me into him.

I did a complete respiratory assessment on Jaylan already. I'm actually getting better at it. Just to let you know, Jaylan's assessment is normal with no abnormalities.

He has a perfect respiration of eighteen and his heart rate stays elevated at about eighty-two beats per minute. His broad chest expands and contracts in wavelike movements, rippling his rectus abdominis muscles two at a time. Unfortunately, I couldn't auscultate his lungs because of his death grip around me and my stethoscope is downstairs. I tried doing some percussion but it only let lead into him grumbling and tapping my conga drum.

The butterflies woke me up, giggling up a storm over how his arms hug tightly across my mangoes. I can't believe I slept braless with him three times! He can probably feel every squishy feeling of them. At one point he grabbed them like he was scared but I think he was playing around. With my back pressed against his front, I am very close to, umm, his friend.

I think Maxine is wrong about the size of his reproductive organ... or if that is her tiny measurement size then I don't want to know what she thinks large is. The average size of a male penis, according to my school nursing book, is 5.1 and 5.5 inches but uhh... I think Jaylan is much larger than that. I could measure him but if it's bigger than average, then I don't know if his above the shoulder head can get any bigger without bursting.

Widening my smile, I shift myself again in his arms because I'm getting squeee....eeezed to death.

Ah, that's better.

I can't believe Valentine's Day was a success after stupid, fat Luis reminded me to work, only to find out he wasn't even there! Elena said she would have covered me but Mama always says when you say yes, you stick to it.

But she doesn't follow that herself.

Jaylan was so surprised at how I went all out on Cupid's Birthday but I wanted it to be special for us since, well... We are boyfriend and girlfriend now and it would be my first time celebrating it with someone, minus the large tub of rocky road ice cream shared with Maxine while watching reruns of Sex and the City while Lexi was out with Derek. He didn't deserve her love or affection but she gave her best effort 'till the end of sophomore year.

Jaylan was a bit surprised, and shirtless I might add, by me busting into his home, to make Lexi and I's famous Cupid's gourmet breakfast. I used my pink and red sprinkles and unfortunately found a large amount of blue sprinkles he had leftover that he didn't even think about being expired!

Since Jaylan was being difficult, I kicked him out and made him clean his room. I got in trouble though, with Marcus Well... I blame Jaylan. He said using all of the bacon was fine! I told Marcus I'll Vemo him bacon money today but I don't know if I'm going to make it out alive with this chokehold.

Jaylan was shocked about all the amount of Post It notes I covered his car with. Each note had why I like him and my favorite thing him minus his horrid vegetable eating habits. He lightly tapped my conga drum for that and gave me the sweetest white roses that smelled like they were freshly picked. I thought he was done with the surprises until he hauled out this big bear, bigger than me. Named Fredrick, he was stuffed into Jordy's closet!

Fredrick told all about how it was dark, cramped, and cold because he didn't have a blanket and had underwear thrown in his face!

This is why Jaylan is only allowed supervised visits. And I was so close to calling Build-a-Bear on their stuffed animal abuse hotline.

I look up at him, furrowing my brows at him for remembering the neglect and think I'm going to have to rewrite our custody agreement. Olivia's life might be in danger if I allow her extended stay with him during March Madness.

Sinking my teeth in my lower lip, I think about how he turned his room into a magical palace. I think he had help from Alexis and Maxine but the thought counts. The starry string lights, the red heart balloons, pink pillows even, and photos that I told him were pinterest-worthy. I'm surprised the scrooge didn't take it down while I was sleeping but I guess he was too comfy with me.

I sigh romantically but Jaylan rolls his arm around my trachea. Okay, I can't breathe officially.

I don't think I could have asked for a better way to end Valentine's Day with Jaylan. I knew the added headband would get him with my dress. I can't believe he touched my thigh... rubbing at that in the car. He really drives me loca when he drives. How he drives, with one hand and the way he leans by the window, his muscles flex and he's so confident-looking. He doesn't half to be ten and two at the wheel or nervously drive with white knuckles like me.

He just makes me want to burst into candy sometimes.

Him constantly calling me the b-word.... Babe... That word makes the butterflies immediately migrate to my ovaries. It's just the way he says it, casually, teasing, and makes it ten times sexier. How we made dinner, well, I did and he was distracting me by holding my waist and helping me cut the avocados and feeding them to me, well tried to. I don't just eat them like that, cut up in cubes. He did and it was so weird.

However, him groaning that it tasted so good made the butterflies linger in my ovaries, not moving back up. The way he licked my fingers when I fed him was better than Ms. Quesadilla calorie girl.

I softly pull his hands closer to my chest, wiggling more into his arms. He is so, so lumpy. It's like sleeping with rocks... which I've done before, so I know what it's like.

Maxine said Jaylan would be rough, caveman-like or a wolf, and rip off my pajamas but there was no such thing. He was so gentle, like a cute little lamb.

I giggle again softly because I know he would die in agony if I call him that but look at him.

I gently touch his beard fluff into the pillow. He adjusts me again like I would with Conor, pulling me close under his chin.

There were so many moments last night that blew me away. I think my favorite part was when I stood, clothed in my pajama set. Jaylan looked at me so intensely that my skin warmed but also broke out in goosebumps. I think he cast a spell on my mangoes because they felt heavier and my nipples tightened from the way he looked at them. The longer the desire built up in his eyes, the more he fidgeted, the more confidence swelled inside me.

Even though my heart beat like it was going into ventricular tachycardia, I felt more than nervous but whenever I feel nervous I just pretend someone has a clown nose. Hence why I laughed so much at Jaylan last night. I still can't believe he licked my thigh or his, and gave me a butt massage.

With chipmunk cheeks, I held back my laughter at how his big hand was trembling to touch my butt. He acted like a chicken.

Mi Novio.

I felt so beautiful last night. It was actually the first time I felt beautiful. Sure, I try to feel beautiful with my clothes or selfies. Papa and Abuelo would call me it all the time but it's just different when Jaylan does it or even says it. When he tells me that, it makes me come alive in my soul, awakening a part of it I didn't even know existed for the longest time.

He just made me feel like a woman finally.

Everyone has always viewed me as sweet Lizzie or cute Lizzie. But it was never beautiful Lizzie, bonita Lizzie, sexy Lizzie.

I know I have the reputation of being kind, sweetly innocent and that's okay. But even girls who are youthful at heart should still be called beautiful. A childlike heart is beautiful too.

When you turn quince, it is a rite of passage to transition over to womanhood. It's a big deal in our culture when we turn fifthteen. Surprisingly, I wasn't much into it versus Mariana, who invited all of Mexico I felt like. I didn't really have many friends to invite anyway and Papa was still recovering from his myocardial infarction, so it was a small celebration anyway. All that mattered was still alive to be able to do our waltz together.

I fumble with my gold heart shape necklace, just like when I think during Mass about how he made it so special to give to me. How he vowed he would stop smoking and will be there for me as much as he could. But when parents promise, they always fail us. Not they mean to but it just happens... It always happens to me.

I gently clear my throat because a bee got caught in a giant amount of butterflies.

Abuela said it's a magical experience and you feel different after the day. But the next day, I just found myself still liking bubble baths and celebrating National Chocolate Ice Cream Day despite me giving my dolls to Isabela to symbolize giving up my childhood.

I just never really had that transitional moment. I thought the moment would come like Mariana said but it just never came. I thought there was something wrong with me because I just didn't feel like a true woman. I don't even know what that means.

But maybe she meant what I felt last night when Jaylan just made me feel like I was the only girl in the world to him. Just the small things we did last night made my body react with new feelings and sensations. I don't completely understand them, but I like them. I like Jaylan's heated expression, the one that warmed my skin.

If he likes these pajamas, then he will like the ones I ordered from SHEIN.

Jaylan's arms hug around my mangoes and I couldn't contain myself anymore. I burst out in giggles because his warm lips attach to my shoulder, kissing it softly. He takes a breath on my shoulder, making my stomach tighten from the butterflies hugging so tightly.

"Good morning," he rasps in a deep, gravelly voice. It rumbles over my shoulder and into my neck.

"Good morning," I beam, snuggling myself in his arms. He laughs, kissing my shoulder again gently

"Why are you so wired this morning?" he rasps very deeply in my ear, making the butterflies in my tummy swirl around in happiness.

His soft lips trail lazily on my shoulder, invoking a deep giggle within my belly. "Jaylan."

"Shhh, no one is awake Lizzie" He taps gently on my well-relaxed conga drum.

I think he may be obsessed with my butt officially now.

"But you are." I shimmy my body out of his choke hold, turning to his dark maple brown eyes.

"Shhh." He strokes his large muscular tattoo hand over my eyes to close them, causing me to blink a few times.

He pulls me close as if I'm Conor and Olivia and rolls me on top of him. The light of his street lamp glows into his room. He takes in a sharp breath, like he did multiple times last night. He adjusts his legs so I'm straddling on top of him, my thighs around his waist as my new necklace dangles, overlaying Papa's necklace. He rubs my arms up and down softly, well, his softly because his fingers are so prickly and feels like he is rubbing sandpaper on it.

"It's time to get up, plus you have workouts and I have school!" I beam.

"Lizzie," he groans under me. "It's five thirty am, babe. Go back to bed, you don't have to be there 'till eight thirty."

"Exactly." I poke his abs making me blush from thinking how risqué it was to lick them.

It was worth it on Valentine's Day and they're mine.

Jaylan's hands slip right to my conga drum, making me squeal, leaning into him, and he laughs in the shell of my ear. His breath hits my ear, making me giggle even more. He places his tattoo finger on my lips to be quiet but doesn't realize what he is doing, which is making me laugh even more.

"Shhhhhh!" He tries to hold his laughter but it's shaky.

He softly rubs my butt, making me remember how gentle, smooth in a circular motion last night. I'm so glad I googled the health benefits of butt massages because let me just say don't google it for fun... I don't know who would do that. I told Alexis my plans for the dice when I decided to buy them at the naughty shop and she said it will probably be the best gift I could give Jaylan. She was right... at least I think so.

I sink my teeth in my lower lip as he shuts his eyes again like an old man. I giggle in his ear and he grips a little bit tighter on my conga drum, making my face heat up. "Elizabeth," he rasps again.

I ignore him and kiss his cheek and his perfect jawline but try my best not to get hair in my mouth by his beard. It did tickle me when he was sucking on my neck and against my thigh. I still can't believe I let him do that but I think thigh kisses are my favorite now and I'm pretty sure they're Jaylan's favorite two the way his eyes darken like a chocolate covered raisin.

I let out a smile on the side of his face as his grip tightens on my butt. "Elizabeth," he deepens his voice, sounding stern.

I kiss the shell of his ear and he taps my conga drum a little harder, making me squeal and laugh in his face.

"Elizabeth, be a good girl," he warns me in that gravelly voice.

I furrow my brows at him because I don't know what he thinks but there no such thing as Nau-

Woahhh.

With one turn, I'm on my back, making me giggle louder and touch my hand softly on his face. He can't hold his laughter anymore and kisses my fingers one by one before meeting my lips. "Shhhhh!" He softly laughs.

Jaylan deserves to laugh.

I wrap my hands around his neck and he deepens the kiss, making me inhale his faint Colgate. The cinnamon kind that I loved inhaling last night hits my lips. The sound of our lips connecting stirs the butterflies up into my mouth and flutter right into his.

I wonder if he has butterflies too?

He takes a breath, that breath I love to hear like he did on my neck last night. His abs press against my cami, the material so thin, almost like I have nothing there. His hands cage around me like he's doing a push up. His gold chain dangles in my chest, tickling my skin with the coldness of it but Jaylan's wall of heat around us warms my skin. His tongue slowly enters between my lips and almost feels like he flicks my own.

His mouth leaves mine, causing mine to open as he kisses my chin. "You're beautiful you know that"

Warmth spreads all over my face as his gaze lingers on me. "I'm glad you are mine," he softly says, turning up my body temperature.

"I'm glad you are mine too." I meet his gaze as he softly kisses me again.

"I don't think I said this enough but I love this," he rasps, his fingers toying with one of my cami straps then kisses it. His wet lips trail down to my ear, to my chin, to one of my cheek dimples, kissing it twice. His free hand trails at the edge of my shorts, making the butterflies hug my belly extremely tight.

I giggle as makes his way to my new favorite spot, my neck. "Jaylan!" I giggle as he kisses my neck softly.

He remains silently and deepens the kiss on my neck, right on my jugular vein. He open-mouth kisses there, making me involuntarily tilt my head to the side. HIs lips feel so soft, gooey, warm, and just earth-shatteringly good. I bite my lower lip as I feel his tongue poke a few times. He softly hums on my neck, shutting my eyes and taking me back to last night. The air is hotter in this bed, almost like the blanket turned into an electric one automatically.

His breaths become raggedy against my neck as his lips press harder. His hand softly wraps around the back of my throat, entangling with my hair. His kisses continue to deepen, making my butterflies swirl all the way down to my ovaries. My lips part when his lips nip my neck, followed by a sharp sting from his teeth that shoot my eyes open wide.

"Jaylan," I let out so softly.

"You're so beautiful this morning, Lizzie, so beautiful," he muffles in my neck and plants another open mouth kiss. "Your pajamas are driving me wild, baby," he says again, making me hitch my breath. My mouth gapes open, letting a moan slip out. His body presses down against my mangoes, squishing them but it feels so nice.

"So sexy," he says again.

Wait a minute, my fantasties alway say things twice.

I softly pinch his arm, making him flinch back and shoot his eyes at me. "Are you okay?"

I sheepishly shrink down, knowing in fact this is not a telenovela mind episode. I nod and he looks at me with an arched brow but lets out a soft smile, dropping his head down with his shoulders moving up and down from laughing mumbling that I'm a trip.

He rolls off me and sits up against the headboard and I shimmy up next to him flickering my eyes right at him. "Why did you pinch me?" He laughs, looking down at me and rubbing my back.

I can't tell him I think it's a daydream. His head would grow twice as big, like an airhead.

"If I tell you, promise not to get all te crees muy muy (Think so highly of yourself)." I crinkle my nose.

He tucks his upper lip in trying to hide back his smile and slant my eyes at him. "Forget it." I wave my hand and he cackles softly pulling me into him.

"So wild."

"Soooo, how was your first Valentine's Day, Scrooge?" I wiggle my fingers on the left side of his chest, trying not to touch his tattoo but he takes my finger and traces it over the white petals.

"Wowwwww...is that how you view me?" he says softly, titling his head back, laughing again and showing his pearly white teeth. I giggle from him tickling my side. "For your information, a tiny nurse made it the best Valentine's Day I ever had."

He plants a kiss on the shell of my ear and I sink my teeth in my lower lip. "You did?"

"I did Lizzie. You really made it more special than you'll ever know," he admits softly.

His words made my heart palpitate. I flicker my eyes at him, meeting his gaze. "How did I make it special?"

"You just don't ask for luxurious things or flaunt what you have. You just celebrate the day, making someone feel truly appreciated." He traces his finger on my back, making a crooked heart on it. I giggle into his chest, taking in his words because it's still weird having a boyfriend.

With silence around us, the warmth between us made up for our communication of how we feel about each other.

His gold cable chain sparkles a bit in my eyes and I take my finger and trace it. "Who gave this to you?"

"Uncle Steve," he admits, laughing. "He gave it to me on my sixteenth birthday."

"Why?" I beam.

"Why are you so wired this morning?" He laughs softly but kisses my head.

"It's pillow talk." I wiggle in his arms.

He arch his brow as if I said something off and laughs, softly shaking his head. "Alright well, when I was sixteen, I was going through a hard time and this was just a promise he is always there for me."

"What does your necklace mean?" He tosses back the question.

I chew my lip, thinking about how most girls got expensive heels or the finest jewelry at their Quinceañera but this small gold heart locket will always be a memory of how I almost lost Papa. And this gift was more than enough to signify than the celebration every Latina girl experiences when they are fifteen.

I swallow softly and he is still awaiting my answer. "Well, since my Papa couldn't find a typical cross necklace at the time, he got me this one. The cross engraving on it represents faith and devotion to church, to God, and myself. But most of all I'm close to my Papa's heart."

He grows quiet and plants a soft kiss on my forehead. "Would you say you are religious or spiritual?"

"I guess both... but lately I've struggled from time to time," I admit softly, I spraw out my hand in his palm and he does the same. He locks our hands together, pressing his lips on our knuckles.

"I know what you mean," he says softly.

Silence takes over, as if we share a mutual understanding. We both have struggled with our faith in some way. I can only imagine where Jaylan is at but, for me, I'm really struggling with this divorce.

"It's still weird to think we are actually boyfriend and girlfriend," I shyly confess.

He softly laughs and pulls me into his chest, smothering me but so close I could hear his heartbeat. "It's weird for me too but I told you Lizzie, I like what we have. And each day, you never not amaze me. Every day is new with you." His voice vibrates in his chest.

Everyday with him too is new for me. Surprisingly, Jalyan has been a bit of a distraction from my home sickness but also the end of the month. As much as I want to tell Mamà about the biggest news of my life about Jaylan, she'll probably be upset that I'm not studying and focusing on my life before anyone else.

I just don't want to talk to her right anyway, especially since she has been quite busy with her own love life. And Papà, well... I guess I could talk to him but I don't think he wants to talk about relationships right now. At least Isabela and Mariana have been happy for me.

I sigh softly and flicker my eyes back at Jaylan, who's dozing off again so I quickly peck him to wake up. He grumbles and shuffles me in his arms, trying to go back to sleep. "Sleeep," he groans softly.

"So, what amazed you last night?" I flicker my eyes up at his close but with lips curling up devilishly.

"You really want me to answer that?"

I nod and he grins fully, adjusting his arms on me. "I am amazed how much you put so much effort into our relationship to make our night special, you didn't have to but you did."

Our night.

"Because if I didn't you would still be a Scrooge," I roast and he tickles my side again.

Silence fills the room and Jaylan sighs softly, making me look up to see his light eyes. "Am I really your first boyfriend, Lizzie?"

"Why does it seem so hard to believe?" I say softly.

"Because it's humbling."

I gasp and he taps my conga drum playfully. I trace my finger on his gold chain and he licks his lower lip. "I don't want you feeling pressure Jaylan, just be yourself."

His eyes close again. "I know, just... I don't want to mess this up."

His soft words come deep within from his heart, like at The Candle Factory and the batting cages. I'm not sure what Jaylan has exactly been through in his relationships with other girls but I know by his actions, he is really pushing his normality for me and that's honorable to me.

"Jaylan, we all mess up but don't let that focus you because then you will."

He softly sighs and kisses the top of my head. "But I want to do it right with you."

I know what he means but everything he has done since he apologized is magnified beyond measurable expectations, at least in my eyes. "Jaylan, you are doing more than you think. Just keep giving butt massages and you won't have to worry," I tease.

"Oh, I will. Don't worry." Jaylan playfully pats my butt.

I giggle, the sound echoing through the room and he takes one of the pink fluffy pillows and puts it over me, making me laugh harder. He removes the pillow and finds my buried face, kissing my cheek softly.

"Come on, let's get you ready for school."

I grin, moving the sheets off my body and his hand so happens to touch my butt again. I giggle and stretch big, only for him to yank me into his arms, this time right into his lap. "Jaylan!!!" I roar in laughter and he places his finger on my lips. It's not like Maxine is here and Alexis and Stephen spent the night in Virginia.

"Can I use another coupon?" He pokes out his lip, so sadly like a lost puppy.

"Nope." I pat his face and he furrows his eyebrows like me. I giggle, pressing my thumb on his face straightening out his sad creases.

"So rotten," he grumbles in my neck and I giggle.

"You'll be okay," I assure him, trying to get up but he locks me in place.

"How did you sleep? After the most wonderful butt massage by yours truly."

I sink my teeth in my lower lip as he strokes some strands of hair out of my face. "Okay," I quietly say.

"Just okay?" He gasps playfully.

I nod softly and he kisses my forehead. "Well, I slept fantastic, and I had the best stuffed animal in the world," he gloats, pressing his nose into my neck.

"I'm not a stuffed animal." I furrow my eyebrows and he kisses in between them. He's really kissy this morning, not that I am complaining.

"What would you like for breakfast"? I ask shyly and Jaylan's horns on his head grew along with the pitchfork in hand.

"I already had it." He deepens his voice, making the butterflies run down frantically to my ovaries.

"Jaylan, think about your stickers," I tease.

He groans and I giggle because I love threatening him with a behavior chart. I glance at his clock to check the time, where I notice a photo of him and his mom with a baseball bat. I smile at the little boy who's smiling from ear to ear with a wooden weapon and his helmet three times too big on his peanut-sized head.

His mom is beautiful, the most beautiful woman in the world and so young. Her skin is flawless, glowing with melanin, at what Lexi says the glow hour. Her braids cascade to the side of her as she squats down near Jaylan. She's wearing navy blue scrubs and her eyes shine with pride of her baby boy, flaunting her nurse badge clipped to her scrub pants.

I'm always curious to ask what happened to her, how such a beautiful young woman was taken from Jaylan, but I just feel like maybe that's a touchy subject to him. I guess he'll tell me in time. I flicker my eyes back at him, who's staring right at me. He strokes softly on my waist and I hear the scratchy feeling on it.

Okay, can I just put him in my pocket and take him to school all day? Can you do that with boyfriends?

"Get ready so we can get breakfast." He kisses my ear, rubbing my thigh softly and tingling my skin.

I get up again in my second attempt to get ready and go over, squatting down to go through my bag. I feel Jaylan's hot gaze on me and I giggle at his boyfriendisms and place my essentials in my hand. I go into his bathroom and shut the door with my hip, locking it.

Mira nomas. (oh gosh)

I spin around in happiness slipping slightly with my bare feet at the lightness I feel in my heart. Is this what it's like to be in... Uhh, what's it like to feel liked?

Nibbling my lip, I fling off my cami, giggling from knowing behind the door I'm half-naked and Jaylan can't see. I feel so naughty, changing while knowing he's right out there but that's how I felt last night dressing and even taking a shower.

I take a little longer than normal shower, wrapping up in the hot blazing water and imagining him coming in with me. Caging me with his arms and.... Uhh, washing and conditioning my hair.

I know he wants to participate in Shower With a Friend Day early.... And maybe, just maybe, I do too..

Giggling still, I clasp my bra on and look in the mirror. Patting m y hair dry, a small light rash on my neck pulls my eyes wide and I gasp out loud.

"Lizzie?"

My heart skips faster. "I'm okay!"

I lean on the counter, looking at the small type of red rash Maxine has. Maybe it was Jaylan's soap I used because I forgot mine? I know I haven Eucerin in my bag somewhere... oooh, I'll just use his cocoa radiant. This will do. I'm sure it will go away.

It's probably just dry skin.

My face looks more relaxed than the nursing student resting face I always carry from all the reading assignments Professor Khan and Professor Barker have us reading. I mean honestly, if we have one reading assignment, then why add another?

I shake my head, slipping on my new shirt Jessica gave me for Valentine's Day. However, it's a little small in the mango air, which makes my shirt rise. I grumble because there is no cure for big mangoes. I already looked up a breast reduction and I'd rather just stay away from under the knife.

"Lizzie, how do you like your eggs?" Jaylan asks through the door.

"Scrambled with extra extra cheese."

He chuckles, as if my answer is a joke like everything I say is a joke but laughing means alot to me. He deserves to laugh more. Joy is a decision and a really brave one. It should be collected everyday and it fuels resilience over time. When I was home sick, I learned that I can choose joy even in the midst of the unexpected things in life... like Jaylan.

I zip up my jeans, then look at my butt reflecting in his mirror. I swear it grew three times as big from that massage. Lexi is going to be so jealous but she said she was going to ask Stephen to do it too, so hers might be actually bigger. Maxine said there was no way she was letting Marcus have extra presents, especially after receiving the present of a lifetime.

I spit out the last bit of toothpaste and wipe my mouth, thinking about how she practiced Monday night in her room and I had to render her aid for getting rug burn on her elbow. I giggle and open the bedroom door when my eyes marvel at how neatly Jaylan made his bed and how our hand painting is now by his nightstand near his photo with his mom.

He must want a sticker.

I take in the last bit of the room until next time... probably Sunday night because he's going to use it as quickly as he can. Maybe I should adjust the terms and conditions so I don't have to suffer either. I walk down the stairs and smell his cooking, which smells very flavorful and enticing. Peeking in the kitchen, his muscular, bare back is by the stove.

My mouth begins to dry up watching him cut something on the cutting board, just a simple movement but his shoulder and back muscles ripple as he does it. I slowly place my things down and go to the kitchen island watching him intently at work with his hands. I glance at the clock and it's only six forty five. I'm sure he is tired but he has to be up for work outs this morning. He also has physical therapy and those majors don't mess around. For some reason, UMD's Physical Therapists are so uptight.

He is conga drum is so big, so plump so r-

"You gotta stop doing that" He laughs over his shoulder.

I flicker my eyes up at him and he gives me a sly smirk, knowing I have gotten caught.

"Stop doing what?" I bite the inside of my cheek.

"Sneaking up on me." He chuckles, taking a bite of some of my scrambled eggs.

I furrow my brows and he does the same, swallowing slowly. The way the cords in his neck stretch makes my own throat absolutely dry from all the butterflies trapped in there.

"So are you going to miss me when I'm gone?" I tease, and he places the plate in front me. It has what he said he'd make but also with the forbidden food groups item. I arch my brow and he throws his head back in laughter. I take a sip of his water bottle and he smirks at me as I push the strawberries and avocado to the side.

"Gotta have a healthy breakfast, to think in your class." He smugly smiles and I push my glasses up to my nose. He tosses a cut strawberry in his mouth in a sexy way, making me interested in trying it... I guess.

"Thank you for breakfast." I poke the strawberry and pinch it with my teeth when I bite it.

Jaylan chuckles at my disgust for real sugar, that nutritionist.

"Of course, babe". The smug grin he still wears shows he knows how I feel about that word.

"It's Lizzie," I remind him.

"I know, babe." He winks, making me want to knock off all the clutter paper and protein powder down and have us make out fiercely on top of it.

"Jaylannn."

"Lizzzieee," he tosses back.

I giggle as he squeezes his large dinosaur body next to me on the kitchen bar stool. If I thought the lightness in me was bad in the bathroom, it's worse being right next to him. I stab the strawberry, debating if I want to eat it and I flicker my eyes to see Jaylan tauntly smiling at me. I narrow my eyes and bite a piece at the end, making his eyes darken a bit. I scrunch my face, swallowing the tarty and sweet natural sugar and making Jaylan softly laugh.

Silence fills between us as he pushes some strands of hair out my face. Maybe it's the after Valentine's Day effect but warmth is still radiating so strongly between. "So Doc, what's the plan for this weekend?"

I look at him like he's crazy and he roars with laughter. "Jaylan, cleaning day is Saturday and Sundays-"

"Are girls day, I know. But Saturday night you're free." He mocks my voice, as if I sound like a baby, with a smug grin. "I want to take you downtown to DC again for a surprise."

I arch my brow at him and he laughs, knowing his mischief. Before I could answer, my phone rings and I notice it's Papa. I drop my fork and grab the nearest napkin, wiping my hands. I swipe my finger and look at Jaylan, who looks like a well behaved boy. Knowing he is scared of Papa makes me grin because Tio Victor fabricated a little about Papa, like how he throws bodies in the Rio Santa Catarina.

"¡Qué Onda! (What's up)" Papá smiles big, wearing his stained yellow teeth proudly.

I faintly smile back. Observing his background, he's at the market to get his morning coffee before work. "Hola Papá"

"¿Cómo estás? ¿Cómo estuvo tu día ayer? ¿Algún chico te trajo chocolates? (How are you doing, how was yesterday? Did anybody get you chocolate)" He smiles wider, moving his shoulders up and down.

I miss his laugh.

Jaylan turns around arching his brow at Papá's question about chocolate. I slant my eyes to stop only for him to arrogantly grin at me.

Shifting my eyes, I giggle at Papa digging something into his front flap of his jean jacket. If he knew I got something better than chocolates yesterday but I think Papá's blood pressure would be higher than usual if he knew about Jaylan being with one of his girls. I wonder if he still uses a blood pressure monitor in the morning like I ask, on top of documenting his pressures like his doctor asked him too.

"Ayer compré muchos chocolates (I got a lot of chocolates yesterday)." I smile at Jaylan, who is cleaning up and he sends me a wink.

My cheeks warm up as he stirs his protein shake so easily, his bicep and forearm muscles flexing. His throat bobs a few times as he swallows it, the sight drying out my mouth. Why is everything he does hot! He's probably even hot using his evil PineSol.

Papá laughs as the white ring between his fingers catches my attention, making my blood slowly become acidic.

How could he?

"Te envié una Paleta Payaso y algún que otro buen dulce que tanto te gusta. te llegaria el sabado (I sent you some Paleta Payaso and some other good candy that you love so much. You should get it by Saturday)." He smiles, tossing the cigarette on the ground and littering the Earth.

A swarm of bees started knocking on the butterflies' door, trying to get in like robbers. All of the lightness from this morning evaporates.

"Gracias(Thank You)," I say softly, blinking down as my eyes get blurry.

"¿Lo que está mal (What's wrong)?" He frowns, and I catch my tear, making sure Jaylan didn't see with his back turned and looking at some papers intently. "Pensé que dijiste que dejarías de fumar (I thought you said you would cut back on smoking.)

He frowns at me because he knows that I'm the only one in his corner always "Hija, es solo un cigarrillo (It' only one cigarette)

I blink a few tears as more clumps of bees block my airway. Papá sighs regretfully and glances his cinnamon away as someone from the Market tells him good morning. Silence takes over the hustle and bustle in the background. My throat stings when he says "Por favor no me juzgues hija, eres la única que se preocupa por mi (Please, don't judge me daughter, you are the only one who cares about me.)

My cellphone shakes as my hands tightly hold onto the phone as he flicker his eyes at my welled ones.

"Tengo que ir a la escuela, te hablo luego, te amo papá. (I have to go to school, I'll talk to you later, I love you, Papa.)

Before he could get out another word, I click my phone, ending my call. My eyes flutter closed as I set it down next to my plate, no longer hungry.

"You ready to.... Lizzie, you okay?" The softness that slips into Jaylan's voice breaks my restraint.

I don't bother to answer but run upstairs into his room and slide right underneath his bed. His is higher than mine, with nothing under it, so I fit in easily. My body violently shakes as the bees come out my mouth in soft sobs. My breath hitches, heart palpitates, and the view of Jaylan's carpet blurs. The door cracks open and I quickly wipe my eyes.

"Lizzie?" Jaylan calls out.

The footsteps vibrate my face on the carpet floor. Swiping under my eye, I catch another tear. "Baby where are you?"

I lower my face closer to the carpet, not making a sound because the bees swelled up my throat. Tears fall down like a river, staining the cream carpet. Everytime I breathe hurts. It takes me back to the place in our living room, shutting my eyes, looking at the broken dishes surrounding Papá. The screaming, the howling, and shouting to save Papa by all my family counting on me.

How can I save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

Squeezing my eyes tight, I shove the memories down to my stomach as high-pitched rings pierce my hearing. I gasp sharply as I remember compressing down on Papa and he still didn't come to consciousness by the first cycle of compressions.

How could Papá not care about his health?

I saved his life yet he is still doing what is going to kill him. It's like he doesn't care about me, it's like he doesn't appreciate what I did for him. Everytime he does this it feels like those three cycles of compressions didn't matter. Spending hours in the emergency room waiting to hear Papá's fate. How nobody was with me but me supporting him.

He doesn't have to live through the trauma or adrenaline I did everyday from seeing him with no color to his face.

Or everytime I hear code blue at clinical, I have a panic attack inside from thinking about when I waited for him in the waiting room.

Why does he not care about me?

About our family?

He is breaking our family apart little by little.

Why is he giving up on us? On himself?

This is why what's happening at the month is coming true, because of what he is doing with no shame or thought.

"Lizzie?" Jaylan says softly

I softly whimper, as I feel his large body army crawl underneath his bed. I faceplant in the carpet and the view of his carpet becomes blurry. I can't look at Jaylan because I don't like people to see me cry.

"Baby?" He softly pulls me into his arms, his big dinosaur frame making it crammed under here.

The bees clump my throat as I try to push them back down. My throat is enclosing as he shifts near me.

"Can you take me to school?" I whimper into his chest.

One of his hands holds the back of my head. "Baby, I'm not taking you to school like this."

I sniffle, pull back, and look at him. I want to laugh at how crazy he looks down here but all I can do is frown. "I'll be okay."

He softly sighs and kisses my forehead, invoking a hiccup. "Elizabeth," he consoles, his hands rubbing up and down my back.

I remain quiet and face plant again the carpet. It's not that I don't want to tell Jaylan, it's just hard to explain how I feel and process the thoughts to translate into words about how much this hurts me.

It just feels like what I did for Papá wasn't enough and I don't think it will ever be enough until he realizes that what he has done to his health can never be fixed again. And I'm stuck, just watching and waiting until that happens.

His scratchy thumbs drag the tears out of my eyes. "A tiny, fiery nurse once told me it's okay to not be okay."

Face planting back into the damp carpet, my body violently shakes as I quietly fight to stop crying.

Edited and spiced up by @still_just_me_