Chapter Forty-Three

In these coming years

Many things will change

But the way I feel

Will remain the same

"Are you sure you're okay?" Alex asked for what seemed like the millionth time since we'd gotten to the restaurant. I just nodded again, taking another sip of my drink.

"I'm just fine, now can you please just drop it?" I asked, which in turn only gave me an eyeroll.

"You're just never this quiet, and I don't like it."

"Well I'm sorry that I don't feel like talking." My voice came out harsher than I intended, and when the look of hurt crossed Alex's face I felt somewhat bad.

"I guess I'll just shut up now." He mumbled, looking down at the menu. We fell into a very uncomfortable silence, and to be honest I was blaming myself for the sudden loss of words. We didn't talk for the entire meal, and with every passing second I was hating myself more and more for snapping at him.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered after we finally finished eating. He just shrugged his shoulders, refusing to look at me.

"It's no big deal."

"It obviously is if you won't so much as look at me." As if to prove a point, Alex finally looked at me. He honestly looked close to tears, and I felt even more guiltier than I had a few seconds earlier.

"Happy now? Lets just leave." He stood up from the table, not even bothering to wait for me before he walked out of the restaurant. I chased after him nonetheless, catching up with him a minute or so later. I grabbed his arm, in hopes of making him stop.

"What has gotten into you?" I huffed out, slightly out of breath.

"I just... I don't like it when you keep things from me, and I don't like it when you get mad when all I'm doing is being worried about you." Alex huffed, grabbing my hand. He looked hurt, and I hated it. I hated hurting Alex because all he ever did to me was be kind. He was there when no one else was... He was there for me.

And all I ever did to him was hurt him it seemed.

"I'm sorry... I don't mean to be the way I am... You know that."

"I know, but sometimes I feel like you use it as some kind of excuse to hurt me. I just don't get it Niall, I don't understand why you have to be like this. I've tried so hard, I've tried to be understanding but every time I let my guard down just a little, you lash out."

"I know... I know, and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Alex, but sometimes I just can't control it."

"Do you even try to though?"

"Yeah... I really do... I'm sorry."

"And for some fucked up reason I forgive you." He gave me a sad smile, one that just made me want to curl into a ball. I felt awful, especially with what I was about to do.

"Alex... I think we need to talk though, not just about this... but about us."

"What about us? I thought we were doing fine?"

"We are... I just... I can't keep doing this to you." I whispered, looking away from him.

"Doing what?"

"Leading you on... I can't keep using you for my own selfish reasons."

"You're not using me."

"I don't love you Alex."

"I know."

"And... I don't think I can. I'm sorry Alex..." It was quiet again, the two of us just standing outside as it slowly started to snow.

"It's because of him, isn't it?" His voice was just barely over a whisper, his fingers touching the bottom of my chin as he made me look at him.

"I... I know you told me that I need to get over him, that I should move on. You've told me so much of what I should do, but the thing is... I don't want to do it. I don't want to move on. I love him Alex, and I know that... Whatever this is between you and me, it can't keep going. I can't sit here and pretend that I can fall in love with you when I just can't. You may be what I need, but you aren't what I want. Please believe me when I tell you that I do care about you... I just can't pretend to fall in love with you." Alex bit his lip softly, looking down at me. I waited for him to say something, to really say anything.

"Okay." He whispered, stepping away from me. He let go of my hand, putting his hands in his pocket.

"That's all you're going to say?"

"What else do you want me to say? Do you want me to drop down on my knees and beg you to stay? You don't love me and you kind of made it clear you're never going to. So what's the point in even fighting? I've fought my battle." He shrugged, looking down at the ground.

"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, I know. Really I just brought this upon myself, I just told myself that I could eventually convince you to love me. I guess I failed at that."

"I don't really know what else to say."

"There really isn't anything else to say. I'm just sorry I couldn't be what you wanted."

"I'm sorry too." And I really was, looking at him as the snow started to make his hair damp.

"I guess I'll uh... Drive you home now then?"

"No... I think I'm going to walk actually... I'll see you later." I gave him a tight smile, to which he returned.

"Yeah... I'll see you later."

And we parted ways, just like that.

________________________________________________________________________

Nalex is over.

That should make some of you happy.

I'm sorry it's so short too, I don't get understand cause it's the normal word count.

But whateves.

Dedication:

Clara_evens09

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Connie xx

PS: Best Shiver pun gets the dedication.