Before Ryan, malimit akong pumunta sa Kelsey's with my college friends.

But when we started dating, bihira na akong makasama sa kanila dahil sa hindi siya mahilig mag-clubbing.

When we all got busy with our lives, nabawasan na ang mga gimik ko.

Nang maging successful ang Lumis, lalo akong natali sa trabaho and I was always declining the invitations until marealize ko na lang na I wasn't invited anymore.

Naging active na lang ako ulit sa mga lakarin when I started dating Ryan.

His hobbies were totally different from mine.

Ang gusto niya kasing activities ay maghiking, camping or magkalikot ng computer niya.

Kaya kahit hindi naman talaga ako outdoorsy type, sumasama ako sa kanya at sa mga kaibigan niya partly because I was curious to find out what he enjoyed about it.

The main reason was if I don't go out with him, we wouldn't be able to spend time with each other outside of work.

So pinilit niya ako to try it and I said yes.

The first time was difficult for me dahil it was uncomfortable sleeping on the ground.

Sure, we could bring a mattress pero purists ang grupo nila.

It took time for me to get used to the idea pero sa kakasama ko, I discovered na it was a perfect way to decompress from our hectic work life bukod pa sa I get to reconnect with nature and myself.

Isang bagay na hindi ko masyadong nagawa dahil sa bukod sa wala naman akong kakilala who is into the great outdoors, I was raised in the city.

I love the urban life kaya naman I was like a kid the first time sinama nila ako sa Laguna.

Hindi madali ang umakyat ng bundok and I hurt all over dahil sa hindi ako sanay na maglakad ng ilang oras at umakyat sa matatarik at mababatong trail.

I thought I was fit until that first time na I have to keep up with these group of people na iyong iba eh older than I am.

The reward was worth the pain though.

Being so close to nature made me feel the presence of something or someone powerful.

I could say that dating Ryan was one of the few times that I was willing to set aside what I want to make someone else happy.

Nang sinabi ko kay Liezl na I don't like wasting time, the same holds true for my relationship.

The same principle applied to Ryan.

Unlike most men who in the company who were intimated by me, he was the opposite.

Hindi din siya nagpaligoy-ligoy when he asked kung pwede siyang manligaw.

He looks nice and harmless naman so pumayag ako.

When we started dating, I learned na he was kind and responsible.

A breadwinner who puts his family first.

Kinuwento niya agad sa akin ang family situation niya and how he was sending four other siblings to school dahil sa walang work ang tatay niya.

Kahit nag-offer ako to pay for our dates, hindi siya pumapayag dahil sa masasaktan daw ang pride niya.

I told him it's okay pero he refused so hindi ko na siya kinulit.

When he told me about the offer to go to Taiwan, I knew what I had to do.

Hindi niya kailangang sabihin sa akin kung bakit siya aalis.

Umpisa pa lang, alam ko with whom his priority lies.

Hindi siya pumayag na makipagbreak.

Niyaya niya ako to go with him pero hindi ako pumayag at doon kami nagtalo.

Sinabi ko sa kanya na ayokong i-uproot ang buhay ko para magkasama kami bukod pa sa iba ang magiging work ko doon.

Isa pa, I was waiting for my promotion.

Nagsabi na si Tito Eddie sa akin about the offer to work in Laguna and I said yes to it.

Alam iyon ni Ryan kaya I couldn't understand kung bakit niya ako pinipilit.

When he asked if it's about the money, nasaktan ako kaya binalik ko sa kanya na isn't the reason why he was leaving was because of money?

Natahimik siya.

I admit na the break-up was hard for me kasi I liked him too.

But it was me who made the decision to leave so I have to deal with the consequence.

***

When we were still together, malimit kaming umalis dahil sa mga out-of-town trips ng grupo nila.

I compromised with him na since I go with him to the mountains, he should go dancing with me as well.

I love to dance.

At the age of five, my mother enrolled me in a ballet class pero as I was growing up, I realized na hilig ko ang modern dance and I never stopped dancing kahit pa nagwowork na ako.

Kahit hindi ko ito pinursue professionally, I made it a point to enroll myself in workout classes that involves dancing like zumba.

Sa sayaw ako malaya.

I don't have to care about anything or anyone.

It's just me and the music.

I feel freedom in the movement.

Iyon ang isang bagay na kailangan kong ipaliwanag kay Ryan.

Pero it was like explaining space to a non-astronaut.

Sinabi ko na lang na if nature and the outdoors are his thing, then the dance floor is mine.

Pumayag naman siya and I even get to persuade him to dance with me at least twice.

I found out na he has two left feet pero kahit out of rhythm siya, pinilit niyang pagbigyan ang hilig ko.

It was sweet of him kahit pa he looked ridiculous in the dance floor.

Sabi niya, he only wants to dance with me and it endeared him to me even more.

Kaya lang, reality got in the way of our relationship.

Being with him in Taiwan was something I wasn't willing to do.

I don't want to start over.

It sounds so selfish pero I was being honest with him dahil iyon ang kailangan niya.

I don't want him to be held back by me.

May responsibilidad siya na kailangan niyang gampanan.

Now, being back at Kelsey's feels weird not only because it's been a while since I was here but also because there is a part of Ryan in my dancing memories.

I could've chosen a different place for me and Liezl to go to pero Saturday is retro night.

Also, Kelsey plays the best New Wave music and I'm a big New Wave fan.

Hindi ko alam kung nakakarelate pa ang mga kabataan ngayon sa genre ng music na yan pero I don't care.

Dancing to The Cure's Just Like Heaven is my jam.

Ewan ko pero I fell in love with it the first time I heard it.

When I read the lyrics, I was disappointed and bummed that it was about death.

One thing led to another and I was in search of other songs from that era.

Aside from the club, merong malapit na Japanese restaurant sa Kelsey's, ang Kinjo.

Kung gusto niyang kumain bago magclubbing, pwede kaming pumunta doon.

Pagdating ko, puno na ang parking sa tapat ng Kelsey kaya naman kailangan ko pang pumunta sa malapit na mall.

The area is very ritzy and I couldn't afford to live here even if I want to.

Out of habit, I was half an hour early for my meeting with Liezl.

Tumingin muna ako sa mga displays ng mga shops habang naghihintay sa kanya.

Hilig ko din kasing i-admire ang mga window display.

Para sa akin, it's someone else's art and it's free for me to critique and to appreciate.

Since summer na, majority of the themes have palm trees and beaches with men wearing Hawaiian shirts and surf shorts and women in bikinis.

Pumasok ako sa isang vintage record shop na nagbebenta ng old vinyls.

May collection si daddy and once in a while bumibili ako ng mga records na gusto ko.

Game naman siya na pakinggan ang mga gusto kong kanta.

Marami akong nagustuhan pero I chose not to buy anything tonight.

Babalik na lang ako some other time.

Ten minutes before seven, pumunta na ako sa Kelsey's and what do you know?

Nandun na si Liezl at nakaupo siya sa tapat ng bar.

May isang baso ng tubig sa harapan niya.

I wonder how long she's been here?

Papalapit ako sa kanya ng makita niya ako.

I have to admit na she's really fashionable.

Tonight, she was wearing a casual gray suit na open ang buttons, black shirt at gray pants din.

If we were going out on a date, I could say na she's dressed for it.

But since it's not a date, then malamang it's normal for her to dress nicely.

Kahit naman sa office, maayos ang mga suot niya.

"Hi," bati ko sa kanya.

"Kanina ka pa?" tanong ko.

"Hindi naman. I got here mga five minutes ago."

I noticed na she was wearing the same fragrance the first time I saw her sa may reception area ng office namin.

"Kumain ka na ba?"

Umiling siya.

Napansin ko na dahil maaga pa, wala pang tao sa dance floor pero marami ng tao sa bar.

Most of them ay nagkikwentuhan lang kaya naman ang ingay.

We have to lean close para magkarinigan.

"Ikaw? Kumain ka na?" tanong ni Liezl sa akin.

Habang nag-uusap kami, there were two guys at the bar na nakatingin sa aming dalawa.

Tinaasan ko sila ng kilay at umiwas sila ng tingin.

"There's a restaurant close by but I don't know if you like Japanese food," lumakad na ako pabalik sa exit dahil sa hindi ako comfortable sa dalawang lalake.

"I actually do," sagot ni Liezl.

"Good. Maaga pa naman so why don't we have dinner first. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

Sa tapat lang naman ng Kelsey ang Kinjo kaya tumawid lang kami.

Liezl opened the door for me at pagpasok namin, we were told to wait kasi wala pang bakante.

Maingay sa restaurant dahil maraming tao.

Umupo kami sa leather chair na nasa tapat ng host.

"Kumusta ang page-empake mo for your move to Laguna?" tanong niya sa akin as soon as we were seated.

"Ayos naman. Ready na naman ang lahat kasi when I was offered the promotion, sinimulan ko ng mag-ayos ng mga gamit ko."

"Wow! Girl scout ka pala," biro niya.

"Ayoko kasing magcramming. You'll never know kung ano ang makakalimutan mo kapag lumipat ka di ba?" paliwanag ko sa kanya.

"Saan ka titira sa Laguna?"

"May bahay doon si Tito Eddie.....er....si Mr. Perez," sagot ko.

Natawa si Liezl sa ginawa kong correction sa pagtawag kay tito.

"You don't have to correct yourself all the time. Alam ko naman kung ano kayo ni Mr. Perez,"

"I know. Kaya lang ang weird pa din ng dating kung tatawagin ko siyang tito,"

"Well, we had that conversation sa elevator so you can be honest with me,"

Inalis ko ang tingin ko kay Liezl at binaling sa dining area.

Sa tantiya ko, matatagalan bago kami makakain.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" offer ko kay Liezl.

"I thought gusto mong kumain dito?"

"From the looks of it, baka madami na akong gutom bago tayo makakuha ng table,"

Tumingin si Liezl sa dining area.

"Saan mo gustong pumunta?" tanong niya sa akin.

"May restaurant sa mall, if you don't mind eating there."

"Sure. Kesa naman nag-aaksaya tayo ng panahon dito,"

Tumayo na siya at pinagbuksan ako ulit ng pinto.

Habang naglalakad, may mga nakasalubong kami na napapatingin kay Liezl.

Kapag napatingin sila sa bandang dibdib, para silang nadidisappoint.

"Are you okay, Shirley?" nagulat ako sa tanong niya.

"Me? Yeah. Why?"

"Nakita kasi kitang nakatingin doon sa tatlong babae na nakasalubong natin,"

"Were you bothered by their reaction when they realized na I'm a woman?"

Hindi ako agad nakasagot dahil I was surprised na napansin din pala niya.

"Not bothered. I just can't understand the sudden change from admiration to disappointment,"

"Does it matter?"

"How do you deal with it?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"I don't," was the quick reply.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not for me to interpret their reaction. I am proud of who I am at kung nadidisappoint sila sa nakikita nila, it's up to them. I'm not here to please anyone."

"Wow!" yun lang ang nasabi ko.

"Wow?" nakakunot ang noo ni Liezl.

"You are one of the few na kilala ko na hindi affected sa perception ng ibang tao sa'yo,"

"Why? Do you know a lot of lesbians?"

"When I was in university, yes. Pero I never had a friend who is lesbian or gay,"

"Do you want to have a friend who is lesbian or gay?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Is it that hard to answer?" balik tanong niya sa akin.

"It wasn't because I intentionally chose not to have friends who are gay or lesbian pero for me, it's not a deal breaker if they're gay or straight. I think they will still go through the same criteria I used when choosing friends,"

"May criteria ka talaga? Is there a certain grade or level na dapat ma-achieve for people to be your friend?"

"Maybe I said it wrong pero without going through a lot of details, let's just say na I'm very picky with people. I don't trust easily,"

"Yeah. Kaya most people think that I'm snobby dahil I keep to myself,"

"Are you snobby?"

"I think you can answer that question based on what happened sa elevator. Sa tingin mo tama sila sa sinabi nila na snobby ako?"

"Does it matter what they say?"

Umiling ako.

"There. If it doesn't affect you, then you don't have to think about what others say about you. You know yourself and you don't have to explain to anyone. Isa pa, kung hindi ka naman nakakasakit ng ibang tao, who cares?"

"Have you always been unapologetic about who you are?"

Tumigil kami sa tapat ng mall entrance at naunahan na naman ako ni Liezl na magbukas ng pinto.

Maraming tao dahil Saturday bukod pa sa may malaking banner para sa mall sale.

"Let's just say na kahit noong bata pa ako, I've always been secure of who I am.I never fit the mold and I don't care. My mother told me it's okay that I like playing the games that boys play. If I don't like dolls, I don't have to force myself just because I want to fit in."

"You're mom must be cool," comment ko.

"My mom is the best," sabi ni Liezl.

Paglampas namin sa isang fastfood, naamoy ko ang burgers at bigla akong nakaramdam ng craving.

"Do you mind if we eat here?" tinuro ko kay Liezl ang restaurant.

"Are you sure?" nagtatakang tanong niya.

"Yeah. Hindi mo ba naamoy yung burger? Parang ang sarap di ba?"

Napangiti si Liezl at ngayon ko lang napansin ang dimple niya sa kaliwang pisngi.

"Eh di pumila na tayo," yaya niya.

It took us almost fifteen minutes to get served kasi ang haba ng pila.

Habang naghihintay, kwentuhan lang kaming dalawa.

I learned na tulad ko, mahilig ding magsayaw si Liezl.

Sabay pa kaming nagsabi na kapag nasa dancefloor, wala kaming iniisip.

Natawa kami pareho dahil sa sinabi namin.

"After nating kumain, we can go back to Kelsey" paalala ko sa kanya.

"I'm looking forward to it." Sabi niya habang naghahanap kami ng mauupuan.

Tinuro niya ang isang bakanteng table na malapit sa play area at doon kami umupo.

"I hope you don't mind the noise,"

Naglalaro ang mga bata kaya naman naririnig namin ang tawanan nila.

"I don't. They're kids so it's not a problem,"

"Do you want to have kids?" biglang tanong niya.

"Hmmm....... I do but not right now," Sagot ko.

"Ikaw, Liezl. Do you want kids?"

"I do. As long as someone else is willing to be pregnant for me, I'm cool with that."

Natawa ako sa honesty niya.

***

Pagkatapos naming kumain, I wanted to have ice cream at bumalik si Liezl sa pila to order two sundaes.

"Comfort food," sabi ko sa kanya ng inabot niya sa akin ang chocolate while she had the strawberry.

"Are you in need of comfort right now?"

Hindi ako sumagot dahil I was busy eating my treat.

"Is it because of Ryan?"

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad.

Nasa tapat kami ng isang clothing store kung saan maraming teenagers ang nakatambay dahil para sa age-group nila ang market.

They looked very stylish with their Korean-inspired outfits pati na din ang colorful hairstyles.

Napaisip ako sa sinabi ni Liezl.

I haven't cried when we broke up.

Dahil ba sa it was me who initiated the break-up kaya ganun?

Now that she's asking me, parang may kumurot sa puso ko.

I thought of him kanina when I was getting ready to meet Liezl.

Naalala ko siya dahil sa it would take a while for me to convince him to go dancing.

Kailangan ko siyang i-prepare mentally just to go with me.

It was crazy dahil he was so adverse to it na para bang isa itong sakit na kailangan niyang iwasan.

"May nasabi ba akong masama?" Nagsalita ulit si Shirley.

"No, wala naman."

Sumandal si Liezl sa railing. I noticed na ubos niya na pala ang ice cream.

"Tumahimik ka kasi kaya hindi ko alam kung hindi mo nagustuhan ang tanong ko about him when I really should be asking how you are after your break-up,"

"I'm on auto-pilot," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Is that your defense mechanism?"

"Are you always this inquisitive?"

Ngumiti lang siya.

"It's easy to ask you questions dahil you seem so open," sagot niya.

"Which I find weird dahil most people think I'm the opposite,"

"I'm not most people, Shirley,"

Nagkatitigan kaming dalawa.

The ice cream I was holding was slowly melting so I finished it as quickly as I could.

"I think we should go back," yaya ko sa kanya.

Naglalakad na kami palabas ng mall ng biglang tumunog ang phone ni Liezl.

Mabilis niyang kinuha ito mula sa kanyang bulsa para sagutin.

"I have to take this. Excuse me,"

Tumalikod siya without waiting for me to say anything.

Tumayo ako sa gilid ng pinto habang hinihintay na matapos ang tawag ni Liezl.

Her shoulders look tensed at kahit hindi ko alam kung sino at ano ang nangyayari, I could sense na something was wrong.

Nang humarap siya sa akin, maputla si Liezl.

"I'm sorry, Shirley, but can we go dancing some other time?"

Mabilis ang pagsasalita niya.

"Is everything okay?" hindi ko mapigilang magtanong.

"My mom is in the hospital," sagot niya.