Of all places kung saan ako magkakaroon ng panic attack, it had to be in an elevator.

At sa lahat naman ng taong makakawitness ng moment na iyon, it had to be Liezl.

Yes. Kilala ko siya.

Ang totoo, I make an effort to know everyone who works for Lumis.

It was my uncle's idea na kilalanin ko kung sino ang mga nagtatrabaho sa company not only by name but also to know at least a bit about their lives.

Hindi kami blood relative ni Mr. Perez or Tito Eddie.

He was my father's childhood friend and siya mismo ang nagrecruit sa akin to work for his company after I graduated from university.

Marami akong offers from other companies na mas established pero my father encouraged me to try working for Tito Eddie's start-up.

"Walang mawawala sa'yo, Shirley." Payo ni Daddy.

"Besides, malaki ang tiwala sa'yo ni Eddie at think of it as a way of paying it forward."

By that, he meant his utang na loob.

Tito Eddie helped him when he had his heart attack.

I was in high school then at akala namin, that would be his end.

He needed bypass surgery at hindi alam ni Mommy kung saan kukunin ang pera for the operation.

Tito Eddie paid for the procedure bago pa man sila humingi ng tulong.

When we had the money to pay him back, hindi naman nito tinanggap.

Lagi nitong sinasabi na part na kami ng family niya at dapat daw, hindi kami magdalawang isip na lumapit sa kanya kung kailangan namin ng tulong.

"Carlos is like a brother to me," Kwento sa akin ni Tito Eddie when I showed up for an interview which was more like a chat dahil dinala niya ako sa paborito niyang restaurant where we had lunch and coffee.

"Dahil diyan, mas gusto kong ipagkatiwala ang negosyo ko sa mga taong kilala ko na at alam ko na mag-aalaga dito."

I thanked him for his confidence pero hindi ko alam kung nahalata niya how nervous I was that day.

Ibang usapan kapag pinagkakatiwala ang malaking investment tulad ng negosyo.

Tito Eddie, being the playboy that he was, was still single.

His aging parents decided to settle permanently in California.

During vacations or business meetings abroad, lagi siyang dumadalaw sa mga ito.

Ang dalawang kapatid niyang babae who are older than him are all married with kids at wala namang interest sa negosyo.

It was him who inherited his parents knack for business at ng maisipan ng mga ito na magretire na sa ibang bansa, pinagkatiwala nila ang pagmamanage ng mga restaurants kay Tito.

Pero ang hilig niya ay technology kaya naman naisipan niyang magtayo ng sariling negosyo na may kinalaman sa hobby niya.

Alam niya na bata pa ako, mahilig na din ako sa computers at gadgets.

Protégé ang tawag niya sa akin.

Everytime na umaalis siya for conventions abroad, lagi siyang may pasalubong sa akin na mga gadgets.

He even gave me a laptop, a MacBook Pro, when I graduated from high school.

Spoiled ako sa kanya at kahit sinasaway siya ni Daddy, hindi naman mapigil.

Kaya I understood why it was difficult for my father to resist the offer to work for Lumis.

Tito told me I don't have to stick around if I don't like the job.

"Just try working here for a few months and then talk to me kapag hindi ka masaya sa ginagawa mo." Ngumiti siya tulad ng lagi niyang ginagawa kapag he's trying to win you over.

I told him I would pero it had been almost nine years at nandito pa din ako.

Masaya ako sa ginagawa ko dahil Tito Eddie is an amazing mentor.

Marami akong natutunan during my stay here bukod pa sa mga perks that come with the job like free trips kapag sinasama niya ako sa mga conventions.

Ang tawag nga sa akin ng mga kaopisina ko ay anak niya.

That was reason enough for them to be intimidated by me bukod sa I am very good at what I do.

But going back to Liezl.

I'm not assuming anything pero alam ko din na matagal na siyang may crush sa akin.

Paano ko nalaman?

I overheard a conversation between her and Nella, ang bestfriend niya.

Hindi ko alam kung napansin nila na may tao sa bathroom that time pero Nella was teasing her about me.

It was during my 26th birthday and I came to the office all dressed up for my dinner date with Ryan after work.

Just like today, I decided to wear a dress.

Sinuot ko din ang paborito kong golden necklace na may heart pendant which was my father's gift for my 18th birthday.

Nagkataon din na the day before, pumunta ako sa salon to get my hair done so hindi nakaligtas sa kanilang dalawa ang bagong kulay kong buhok (reddish brown, which I preferred since then) at haircut. 

Layered ang gupit at ni-retain ng stylist ang length na lampas sa balikat pero may bangs which was a little above my eyes.

I still remembered what Nella told Liezl.

Sabi niya, I was smokin' hot.

Di ko mapigil ang mapangiti ng marinig ang sinabi niya.

But what surprised me more was Liezl's response.

Sabi niya, she wished she could tell me in person at hindi iyong hanggang tingin na lang siya.

Nella dared her pero she refused.

"Mahirap na. Baka mamaya, makasuhan pa ako ng harassment."

"Bakit ka naman makakasuhan ng harassment?"

"Every woman wants to be appreciated, Liz. Kahit mga lalake pero siyempre, ayaw lang nilang ipahalata."

"Kung ganun ako kaganda at meron akong boyfriend or girlfriend at hindi man lang na-appreciate ang beauty ko, for sure I will be upset."

"Then why don't you go tell her?" Hamon ni Liezl.

"You know I will. Kung hindi mo magawang ipaalam kay Shirley dahil sa nauutal ka kapag nakikita mo siya, ako ang magsasabi na ang ganda-ganda niya."

Bumukas na ang pinto at lumabas na silang dalawa.

That's how I knew na may crush siya sa akin.

When I first saw Liezl, kahit ayokong isipin na she's gay, hindi maiwasan dahil she was a walking stereotype.

She wore a gray suit over a light blue shirt.

Terno ang pantalon sa suit at ang sapatos naman, dark brown brogue.

Men's ang cut ng suot niya pero bumagay naman sa kanya.

Very trendy din ang maikli niyang gupit.

Shaved ang sides pero long tops na nakagel.

Bumagay sa face niya na square ang shape na may very prominent jawline.

Kung lalake siya, handsome.

Androgynous was the word I used to describe her.

Matangkad din si Liezl compared sa height ko na five feet.

She smiled at me ng magkasalubong kami sa hallway at paglampas niya, naamoy ko ang scent which reminded me of grapefruit.

She walked with a confident gait and I couldn't help but admire her.

The two receptionists on the front desk were looking at her as well at nang dumaan ako, one even commented na akala nila, lalake si Liezl.

I gave her a reproving look at napahiya ang babae.

Even then, I've always been accepting about other people kahit ano pa sila.

Studying in a very diverse university also shaped my views.

Pero hindi maikakaila na in our society as a whole, matindi ang discrimination sa mga tao who are different.

Isa si Liezl sa alam ko who dared to be her true self.

When I first saw her, she was this confident woman.

Three years in the company, I noticed changes especially sa katawan niya.

Kung noong first day, she was very fit, she gained a considerable amount of weight as time went by.

I thought dahil sa sedentary nature ng trabaho namin na laging nakaupo.

Pero bukod sa weight gain, her aura changed too.

Parang naging malungkot siya at may mabigat na iniisip.

There are talks in the office na lesbian nga siya and she was having a rough time with her relationship.

Ayon sa mga tsismosa, bukod sa controlling at selosa daw ang girlfriend nito, they're breaking up dahil sa may cheating na nangyari.

I don't know kung totoo pero yung babae na nakita ko na maganda ang tindig seemed weighed down by whatever is going on with her life.

"Why don't you take deep breaths para kumalma ka?" Napakurap ako when I noticed na nakatayo na si Liezl sa harapan ko.

Dahil sa obvious diffence ng height namin, she was looking down at me.

"What?"

"Here," Hinawakan niya ako sa likod para alalayan.

All of a sudden, I became aware of her touch.

Medyo manipis ang fabric ng suot kong dress at nadama ko ang init galing sa kamay niya.

"Let's do this together, okay?" Mahinahon ang boses niya and it was oddly comforting to me.

"I'll count to three and then sabay tayo mag-inhale at exhale."

Tumango lang ako.

Nararamdaman ko na I was slowly having tunnel vision and I feared I was going to pass out in the elevator.

"One.....two......three.....," Huminga siya ng malalim at ganoon din ang ginawa ko.

Inulit namin ito ulit ng dalawang beses at naramdaman ko na unti-unting nagi-stabilize and breathing at heartbeat ko.

Pati ang init ng mukha at katawan ko ay nabawasan.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm getting better, I guess."

"That's good," Ngumiti siya and saw her white teeth.

"Don't worry. It's going to be fine."

"What if hindi agad dumating ang security? Ayokong ma-stuck tayo dito ng matagal. What if we ran out of air?" Nagpanic na naman ako.

"Let me see if I can open the door so we can get out."

Lumayo siya sa akin at sinubukang buksan ang pinto.

She heaved at narinig kong umingit ang metal doors ng elevator.

Kapiranggot na nabuksan ang pinto pero dahil sa umangat na ito, maliit lang ang gap from the floor to the wall.

Naaninag ko ang ilaw na galing sa mga emergency lights and the thought na medyo bukas ang pinto gave me a little bit of relief.

Humarap ulit sa akin si Liezl.

"Sorry pero that's not enough space para makalabas tayo."

"You don't have to apologize."

"Thank you for trying." Ngumiti ako.

"Ang mabuti pa, maghintay na lang tayo dito."

Umupo si Liezl sa sahig at ganoon din ang ginawa ko.

Napatingin ako sa suot kong relo at nakita na maga-alas-siyete na pala ng gabi.

"Is there somewhere you need to be?" nakatingin sa akin si Liezl ng inalis ko ang tingin sa suot kong relo.

"Wala naman pero I have to bring all my stuff sa sasakyan,"

"Oo nga pala. You're moving out today di ba?"

"I am and I was hoping na matapos ko lahat ngayong gabi so I don't have to come back pero fate had other plans,"

Napangiti sa akin si Liezl.

"May nakakatawa ba sa sinabi ko?" nagtatakang tanong ko sa kanya.

"Wala naman.It's just that you mentioned fate," sagot niya.

"Why? Don't you believe in fate?"

"Hmmmm.........I don't know now," hindi niya inaalis ang tingin sa akin.

Parang nakita ko ulit iyong dating Liezl na very confident about who she is.

"So you used to believe then?" usisa ko.

Nilayo niya ang tingin sa akin.

"Siguro," ang maikling sagot.

"Don't you think it was fate that brought us here at this moment?"

"Or it could be the power outage?" sagot niya.

Natawa ako.

"You're very pragmatic, Liezl,"

"Don't we have to be?" tanong niya.

"Sa work natin sa accounting, we deal with the specific. Kung may variances, may dahilan. Numbers never lie," paliwanag niya.

"It's just that I don't see you as a pragmatist," katwiran ko.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," depensa niya.

"Or there are things I know about you na hindi mo alam na alam ko,"

Natigilan siya sa sinabi ko.

"Okay, anong alam mo sa akin na maaaring hindi ko alam?" hamon niya.

"It's my secret," sagot ko.

"Why should I tell you?" ngumiti ako sa kanya.

Hindi napigilan ni Liezl na ngumiti din.

Namula ang mukha niya sa sinabi ko.

"I think I have an idea pero hindi ko sasabihin dahil it could be embarrassing,"

"Bakit naman? What's embarrassing about admiring someone?"
Hindi siya sumagot.

Tahimik ang paligid at walang maririnig na ingay galing sa buong gusali.

Kahit nabawasan na ang panic attack na naranasan ko kanina, umaasa pa din ako na sana mapaandar na ang generator para makalabas na kami ni Liezl.

Nang hindi pa din siya nagsalita, ako ulit ang bumasag na katahimikan.

"You're not doing a good job of hiding your feelings, Liezl"

"What if you're wrong or what if I say na you are only assuming about that......thing?"

"We are no longer in high school anymore, Liezl, and we're stuck in an elevator,"

"Bukod sa hindi ko ugali ang magpaligoy-ligoy, sa tingin mo hindi kita nakikita kapag nakatitig ka sa akin? Your desk is across from mine at walang partition ang office natin. I could even tell you what you do at nine in the morning, an hour after mong dumating sa opisina."

At this point, inunat ni Liezl ang binti niya sa sahig.

"Pero alam mo, in a way, I'm glad na kayo lang ni Nella ang may alam,"

" Bakit naman?" tanong niya.

"Maraming homophobes sa company natin. Kahit pa Tito.....Mr. Perez has a very open and inclusive policy for the company, you're the only one I know who has the guts to be who you are. Most of them are probably closeted and for good reason,"

"Ganito ka ba talaga kaprangka?" iniba niya ang usapan.

"Hindi mo pa ba ako kilala?" balik tanong ko.

"I've heard about your legendary attitude," sagot ni Liezl.

"I'm not ashamed of it dahil that's who I am. I don't like to waste other people's time, especially mine."

Hindi kumibo si Liezl. Sa halip ay pinagpag niya ang tuhod ng suot na khaki pants.

"Now it's your turn to tell me something about me na maaaring hindi ko alam,"

Inangat niya ang ulo niya at tiningnan ako.

Inunat ko ang binti ko para hubarin ang suot na red stilletos.

"I'm not sure kung meron akong alam about you that you possibly don't know,"

"Just try,"

"Huwag na lang. I don't want to get in trouble just because we're having this weird confession in the elevator,"

"So does it mean there's something you know?"

"Mapilit ka talaga ano? I bet you heard of the saying what you don't know won't hurt you? So while we're at it, it's better not to."

"Now I'm intrigued. I'm an adult, Liezl. Go ahead and tell me. I can take it,"

"Kanina lang, you were panicking and now, you want me to tell you something I know which could potentially put me in a precarious position?"

"We are already in a precarious position, being stuck here for almost an hour. Besides, ako naman ang nag-open ng conversation na ito so I can take it."

"I would rather not,"

"Come on, Liezl. Talking to you right now is very distracting. It keeps my panic attack at bay. Do I have to beg?"

Umiling siya.

"If you don't want to tell me, ako na lang ang magbibigay ng mga clue. Nod your head if tama ang sinabi ko or umiling ka kung mali. How's that?"

"Ikaw ang bahala,"

Tumingin ako sa emergency light at nag-isip.

Nakatingin sa akin si Liezl, naghihintay.

"Ryan and I broke up dahil he cheated on me,"

Hindi nagreact si Liezl.

"Silence means yes?"

Wala pa din.

"Teka, I'm doing this wrong. It should be something you know that I don't di ba?"

Imbes na sumagot, nagsalita siya.

"Did he cheat on you?"

Umiling ako.

"We broke up dahil he wanted me to go to Taiwan with him at hindi ako pumayag,"

"Bakit? Ayaw mo ba siyang makasama?"

"For one, I'm happy here. I like my job at nandito ang family ko. If I go with him, I have to work not as an accountant but as a data entry person. The pay is lower, obviously. There's a possibility of an accounting position pero hindi niya alam kung kelan mangyayari. Pero more than that, ayokong umalis."

"But why did you have to break up? I mean, meron namang long distance relationship. Nowadays, there are countless ways to communicate di ba? May cellphone, social media sites, phone calls, snail mail , if that's your thing,"

"Ayoko ng long distance," sagot ko.

"So it was you who initiated the break up?"

Tumango ako.

"We're you surprised?" tanong ko sa kanya.

Umiling si Liezl.

"Like what I said, I don't like wasting other peoples time and mine. Besides, I know how much it meant to him to get this job. They have a big family and he's the breadwinner. I don't want him to be held back by the thought that I'm here and he's there.

Gusto kong gawin niya ang dapat niyang gawin without him thinking na may pumipigil sa kanya dahil ayaw niya akong magselos or baka dahil hindi ko gusto ang gawin niya etc.....etc....."

"That's very noble of you," tumayo na si Liezl.

Inabot niya ang kamay niya para tulungan akong tumayo.

Nang hawakan ko siya, her grip was firm, strong, dependable.

Yung tipong hindi ka hahayaang bumagsak or sasaluhin ka kahit anong mangyari.

Pagtayo ko, halos walang puwang sa aming dalawa.

Nakatapat ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya at umatras si Liezl to give me space.

"Are you happy with your decision, Shirley?"

"It's too early to tell," matapat na sagot ko.

"What if you find the person who will make you break everything you believe in?"

Umilaw ang elevator at halos masilaw ako sa liwanag.

Biglang sumara  ang elevator at umangat na ulit ito.

Pinindot ni Shirley ang floor number namin at sinagot ko siya habnag nakatingin sa number panel.

"I'll tell you the answer if ever mangyari iyon."

Nang marating namin ang 16th floor, pinauna niya akong bumaba.

"Just in case magbrownout ulit, nakalabas ka na." Biro niya.

Sabay kaming naglakad pabalik sa opisina.

Tumunog ang telepono ni Liezl pero hindi niya ito sinagot.

"Hindi mo ba iche-check kung sino ang tumawag?"

Umiling si Liezl.

"It's just a text message," sagot niya.

Binuksan ni Liezl ang pinto ng opisina at pinauna ako ulit na pumasok.

"Do you need help moving your stuff?" tanong niya ng nasa loob na kami.

Tiningnan ko ang tatlong kahon na nakapatong sa sahig.

"Don't you have to go somewhere? It's Wednesday at ito ang workout schedule niyo ni Nella di ba?"

Napakunot ang noo ni Liezl, nagulat sa sinabi ko.

"See? I know something about you,"

Natawa siya at napakamot sa batok.

"Fate had other plans," sagot niya.