I threw the words casually but the truth was I'm nervous as hell.

Kahit pa bago dumating si Liezl sa bahay ay grabe ang selos na naramdaman ko ng makita ko sila ni Renee sa elevator, buo pa din ang decision ko to tell my family about our relationship.

The jealousy was another proof na I'm head over heels in love with her dahil sa I never see myself as the jealous type.

I'm a confident woman who knows her worth.

Kahit noong kami ni Ryan, I know na merong mga girls who flirted with him lalo na dahil sa "magaling siya sa computer".

That's what they always tell him and I just roll my eyes.

Hindi ako apektado ng mga babaeng iyon.

But when it came to Liz, I was a completely different person.

Narelease ang pagiging protective at territorial ko and I was analyzing my behavior dahil it wasn't me to be all worried if another woman wants to get their hands on my person.

That's the thing.

Liz is my person.

It sounds cheesy but I don't want any woman, much less someone named Renee to get any ideas and win her back.

I intentionally didn't text or call Liz dahil sa gusto kong maramdaman niya na galit ako.

Pero hindi ko inexpect na she would show up in Laguna.

Kahit pakipot ako, I hid my excitement ng makita ko siya.

Alam ko kung gaano katindi ang traffic lalo na during rush hour.

Ni hindi niya alam kung saan ako nakatira pero it didn't stop her from going all the way to where I live just to say sorry.

Her gesture wasn't monumental but that's what it was for me.

May schedule siya na sinusunod, a mother who needs her pero she chose to be with me and that made me feel very special.

Pagkatapos niyang kumain, tumambay kaming dalawa sa porch.

Maliwanag pa din ang buwan at sa di kalayuan ay aninag namin ang ilog.

Hawak niya ang kamay ko at hindi ko ito inalis katulad ng ginawa ko kanina.

"We should go to bed," sinabi ko sa kanya.

She has work tomorrow at magbabiyahe pa siya pabalik sa Manila.

"How are we going to do this?" bigla niyang tanong.

Hindi ko agad naintindihan ang sinabi niya.

"I mean, where do I sleep, Shirley?"

"Oh!" Hindi sumagi sa isip ko ang sleeping arrangement naming dalawa.

She could sleep in my room pero it's too risky.

Alam kong may pagkatsismosa si Ate Lina dahil sa malimit ko itong makita na nakikipagkwentuhan sa kapitbahay namin.

Ilang beses ko itong naabutan na nakatambay sa bakuran nila kapag galing ako sa trabaho.

"There's a spare room at pwede ka doon matulog," sagot ko.

"Okay," napangiti si Liz.

"Bakit ngingiti-ngiti ka diyan?"

"Wala," sagot niya.

"I didn't plan this trip so I don't have anything other than what I'm wearing,"

Niyaya ko siyang sumunod sa akin sa spare bedroom.

May double-size bed sa kuwarto at may sarili itong bathroom.

"Wait for me here," lumabas ako ulit ng kuwarto at pagbalik ko, meron akong dalang pajamas.

"Saan galing iyan?" nagtataka niyang tanong.

"Don't tell Tito Eddie. May mga damit sa kuwarto niya na meron pang tag at since medyo magkasukat kayo, gamitin mo muna."

"S, baka naman magalit si Mr. Perez niyan."

"Wala siya dito at hindi niya malalaman unless someone tells him about it," katwiran ko.

Inabot ko sa kanya ang striped pajamas.

"Seriously?" tanong niya. Tumaas ang kilay niya dahil sa boring na blue and gray design.

"Beggars can't be choosers, Liz, unless you want to sleep au naturel?"

"You'd want that don't you?" tukso niya.

Nakapakagat labi ako ng hindi sinasadya.

"You know what? It's getting late at pareho tayong may pasok bukas so why don't you take a shower and I will do the same,"

Lumapit si Liz sa akin.

"I have a better idea," hinawi niya ang buhok sa may noo ko at inipit sa tenga ko.

"Why don't you shower with me?" bulong niya.

"You'd want that don't you?" mapanuksong sabi ko sa kanya.

Hindi siya sumagot sa halip ay nilapit ang labi niya sa labi ko.

Pero imbes na humalik, bigla itong umiwas.

"You're right. It's late at dapat na tayong magpahinga." Lumakad na siya patungo sa bathroom at hindi ko napigilang ihagis sa kanya ang unan na nakapatong sa kama.

Tumama ito sa likod niya at natawa lang si Liz sa ginawa ko.

Pinulot niya ang unan at pinatong ulit sa higaan.

Pumasok na siya sa banyo at ako naman, bumalik na sa sarili kong kuwarto.

***

Lumabas ako ng banyo na nakasuot ng pink silk robe.

May tuwalyang nakabalabal sa ulo ko at huhubarin ko na sana ang suot ko para magbihis ng may kumatok sa pinto.

Narinig ko ang boses ni Liz at pinapasok ko siya.

"I just want to say goodnight," sabi niya habang sinasara ang pinto.

Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa likod ng pintuan habang nakatayo naman ako sa tapat ng closet.

"Are you going to come closer or is that your goodnight?" tanong ko sa kanya.

Hindi pa din siya lumapit.

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

"You're beautiful," sabi niya sa akin.

Kahit kaliligo ko lang, naramdaman ko ang pamumula ng pisngi ko.

I'm not a shrinking violet pero at that moment, I became aware of who I am.

A grown woman whose girlfriend is standing in front of her wearing those dull pajamas which thankfully didn't diminish her attractiveness.

Dahil ayaw niyang lumapit, ako na ang nag-initiate.

Tumayo ako sa tapat niya at ng magkadikit na ang katawan namin, inalis ko ang tali ng robe.

Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at pinatong sa dibdib ko.

May nararamdaman akong kaba pero hindi tulad ng nangyari the first time I was at her place, I am sure of what I was doing.

Dahan-dahang inalis ni Liz ang suot ko habang tinatanggal ko naman ang butones ng suot niyang pajama.

Like me, she wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"Are you sure about this, S?" tanong niya.

Tumango ako.

"Take me," marahang sabi ko sa kanya.

Pagkasabi ko nito ay hinalikan ako ni Liz.

Mariin, puno ng pananabik.

Gumanti ako with the same intensity.

I thought of all the nights I wished she was sleeping beside me.

Of how it felt to be wrapped in her arms and to feel safe.

Lahat ng iyon ay imagination ko lang dahil we sleep in two separate beds, in two separate places.

There were times when I was tempted to go back to Makati so I can be close to her.

It's risky and ill-timed kaya nasa isip ko lang lahat.

Wala akong ginagawang action dahil I am weighing the consequences of my decision.

Marami akong gustong gawin, maraming gumugulo sa isip ko pero lahat ng iyon ay binalewala ko dahil nandito siya ngayon.

Ang kamay niya ay malayang nagi-explore sa katawan ko and I was giving her all the freedom.

What she's doing to me is way better than where my imagination can take me.

Her hands are steady, confident.

We almost trip on the way to my bed at pareho kaming natawa.

Sabi sa isang article na nabasa ko sa Internet, specifically sa websites which has LGBTQ content, the difference when you make love to a woman is the softness.

Softness?

Of what?

Her skin which is like porcelain?

Or the way her fingers caress my skin with a slow and painstaking movement?

Or is it her lips that are hovering between the valleys of my breasts?

The gentle way she is making love to me is driving me mad but I like what she was doing.

Liz is making me feel that I am the center of her universe and I am all that mattered.

Once in a while, she would look at me and smile.

She reconnects with me and I could see the love in her eyes.

The fire in my belly, the heat and the warmth was exhilarating and when Liz finally decided to give me what I wanted, it was worth the wait.

I was lost but unafraid.

I saw myself floating in space, delirious.

Her hands were behind me as my body undulated to the rhythmic pleasure I never felt before.

When I finally returned to my senses, ecstatic, satisfied, overwhelmed, the woman I love was staring at me with tears in her eyes.

Her hand reached up to wipe away the tears streaming down my face.

Tears of joy.

I held her close to me and kissed her on the shoulders.

I could be lost forever with her and it wouldn't matter.

***

We made love over and over again.

By the time we decided to really say goodnight, it was almost two in the morning.

"You can call in sick tomorrow," pabirong-totoo na sinabi ko sa kanya.

Her head was on my shoulders at yakap ko siya.

"It's very tempting pero I have to prepare my quarterly reports," paliwanag ni Liz.

"What if I call in sick too?" Inangat niya ang ulo niya at hinalikan ako sa noo.

"S, you don't know how much I would rather be with you than with my boring reports pero kilala kita."

"You would never lie just to get away from work."

"Does being lovesick count?"

Tumawa si Liz.

"Why don't we go to sleep, S?" humikab siya.

We both said goodnight and she fell asleep with her arm on my waist.

Nauna siyang nakatulog at nakatingin lang ako sa kanya.

I dread daylight and bago ko pinikit ang mata ko, I wished that this was a dream.

If it were, ayokong magising.

***

Two hours later, nakatayo kami sa tapat ng van.

Hawak ni Liezl ang kamay ko at kahit nagpaalam na siya sa kuwarto, hindi ko magawang bumitaw.

"I'll call you later," hinalikan niya ako at akmang bubuksan na ang pinto pero hinila ko siya para yumakap.

I know where she's going and I know how to reach her pero ayoko siyang umalis.

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit.

"This sucks," nasabi ko ng wala sa isip.

"What sucks?"

Bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap.

"Ito. Yung distance. The fact na I have to wait before I can see you again,"

Bumuntong hininga si Liz.

"I know. We just have to be patient till we can be together again."

"Why don't we go dancing this weekend?" sumaya ang tono ng boses niya pero tumanggi ako.

"We have to pick up my sister at the airport so baka hindi tayo magkita,"

"I see," tumango siya.

"I'll find a way to see you,"

Ngumiti si Liz at nabuhayan ulit ng pag-asa.

"I have to go if I want to make it to work on time." Sabi niya.

Pumasok na siya sa van at binaba niya ang bintana.

"I'll call you when I get home okay?" nakangiti siya sa akin.

Humalik ako sa kanya at pinaandar na niya ang sasakyan.

"Take care, Liz."

Hinawakan niya ako sa pisngi at marahang pinisil ang baba ko.

"I love you," bulong niya.

"I love you too," sagot ko.

***