Sept 24, 2020 7:20 PM

I heard my alarm go off, and I stopped it.

I then sat up slowly after about 1 minute.

I noticed my face felt different, so I tried moving it and...

"...I've been frowning in my sleep?"

I was this pissed at that night that I slept while being angry?

"Jeez..."

I then remembered that dream before, where everybody was doubtful or angry at me, but the boys had my side.

"...Lemme guess...DMs?"

I checked my Discord, and...

"Called it."

Every. Single. One of. Them. Sent me a DM. The number of messages vary, but literally, everybody, except the English, sent me a DM.

"Welp, I got a lot to 'Mark as read.'"

I guess this is the downfall of our friendships? Did I even deserve this? Who the fuck knows?

"Fuck, this is getting complicated."

I don't care though. This will resolve on its own, but when?

I went downstairs, and cooked breakfast for myself. It was scrambled eggs with tomato, and onion in it.

My mom went downstairs.

"...Ohayou..." She said in a sort of sad voice.

That night really affected her. I wonder if dad talked to her about it.

"Ohayou." I said plainly.

She sat down at the table.

We didn't say anything to each other after that. I could feel the tension between us, like if one of us said something, it could cause a heart attack.

"..." 

Silence.

All you hear is just the stove's fire, the spatula clanging on the pan, and birds outside.

I chuckled a bit.

"What a beautiful day...for a miserable evening that transpired."

Somehow though...I don't feel angry or something. Just...empty.

I then put the scrambled eggs in a plate, and put it in front of us. I also set down our coffee with water in it. I put dad's mug with coffee on the table for now, since he likes hot coffee.

"Let's pray." I said.

She nodded.

We put our hands together.

"Itadakimasu."

We then ate.

We didn't talk, and we didn't make eye contact. We just stared at the scrambled eggs.

I was about to take another spoonful, but my mom said...

"...Thank you for making breakfast."

I stopped for a bit.

I closed my mouth....then continued eating.

Afterwards I washed the dishes, and she went to the stairs.

"Yamada..." I heard my mom said.

I stopped the faucet for a bit.

"...I'll wash the clothes for today."

I looked at her.

"No need to. I'll do it."

"No." She said immediately.

I shut up for a bit.

"...Just please."

"...Fine." I said in defeat.

Is she guilty about last night that she wants to do it? Who knows?

Afterwards, I saw dad coming downstairs. They must've met each other in the stairs.

"Ohayou, my boy..."

"Ohayou."

Did dad know it too, I wonder? I feel kinda scared to actually read his mind...

He pushed the chair back.

"I just need coffee..."

"No breakfast?"

"I'll cook it myself. Just make my coffee please..." He said as he leaned on the table on one hand, and covered his eyes.

"...Hai."

I put hot water in his mug, and gave it to him.

"Thanks..." He stirred it.

I could see his eyes. He's in pain. Didn't even need to read his mind.

"...Am I gonna get a broken family...?"

As I went upstairs and into the shower, I started reverting back to my 2nd year high school self. 

Pessimistic, stressed, angry, overthinking and shit.

"So my mom and dad will divorce? At this time and age?"

"Will Masato and Yua be okay if that happens?"

"Will I ever get a good family?"

"Are mom and dad even planning to divorce?"

"Will my relationships fall apart cause of Amelia?"

"Does Amelia hate me?"

"Do I hate her?"

"Am I guilty? Is she guilty?"

"Does Calli officially hate me?"

"Will Holorime fall apart?"

"Will Sora hate me?"

"Will everybody interpret that moment as attempted rape? It was, but will they think I actually raped her? I just threatened her, but for all I know, Calli can twist the story."

"Will the boys even stay by my side after knowing that that happened?"

"Should I even work today? Knowing that this happened?"

"Rest day? Am I finally taking the K.Y. persona as my official persona?"

"...Will I be okay...?" 

The list goes on. I'm still thinking of stuff as I'm taking a shower.

I'm not even putting on soap. I just leaned on the wall, resting my head on my forearm.

"...Fuck this shit..." 

I started seeing water flowing down from my face, and I felt something flowing from my eyes, and it looks exactly like water.

"...Am I crying? STOP CRYING, YOU WEAK SHIT!"

I punched my right cheek.

"...Just forget it, you dipshit."

I started insulting myself with Aki's made-up name.

I then snapped out of it.

"That's right..."

Why am I even mad at myself? It should be Amelia, since she started it...or is it my mom?

"Wait, who even started it...?"

Who initiated the sex act? Was it Amelia? Or was it mom?

"...Most likely Amelia..."

I mean, thinking back to the dream, it must be Amelia.

If I fucked mom, and it was symbolic, and Amelia was having sex with her, it must be Amelia.

I started thinking of alternate events, and I thought of this:

"...What if I rewound time?"

I then started laughing in the bathroom hysterically. I held my stomach for about 10 seconds, and stopped laughing.

"...I just need to rewind time, right?"

...right?

I then started thinking of "timelines", and...

"...It still won't work..."

Even when I rewind it, and stopped them before they kissed, Amelia will do it again...

Even if I scold her, that's human nature. They will not stop until they face grave consequences. And even then, it's their choice if they wanna have a "second chance" and be stubborn.

"...So this had to happen..."

...Fuck my life.

"Is this fate?"

Is this really what I need to go through? My test right now is this? This...big ass complex fucking mess chart of scribbles?

I sighed.

"...Fuck it."

I started putting soap on myself.

I finished taking a shower, and went to my room to get a boxer short. As I made my way there, I heard noises in the kitchen. I'm guessing dad started cooking his breakfast.

I put on a boxer, and I went to my PC. I turned it on, and once it turned on, I sighed.

"...Welp, I got shit to do."

It seems I'm on my own if I'm gonna write that one song where I needed a companion with me.

"Well, first things first, Discord..."

Let's just hope this goes well.

I looked at everybody's messages. It was basically a paraphrase of "Calli told us something. What happened exactly? Did you actually rape Amelia?".

I didn't reply to anyone. I just wanted to check their reactions. It made me chuckle a bit. 

I'm not broken. I'm just reverting back to a persona I used to be.

"So everybody got the message, huh?"

Well, if that's the case, I guess I'll message one of them. Sora might be good, since she's the "goddess" of Hololive, so she might be able to send it to everybody."

Yamada: Sora, lemme say this:

1: Yes, I did stuff to Amelia, but I didn't rape her. I just threatened to rape her. I may have put my hands on her, but I did not insert my dick in her. The worst I did was licking her neck and raising her thigh. 
2: Calli saw the whole thing. Yes. I don't know when she came, but she saw it. I don't know how Calli explained it to all of you, but I know she's pissed at me, so is Kiara. If she said that I raped Amelia, then it's up to you to believe it, but I know for a fact I did nothing to Amelia. I just wanted her to stop doing what I wanted her to stop.
3: In case you don't know, it's because Amelia attempted to have sex with my mom :)
4: She even said that she would "come and go" after having sex, which pissed me off more than it should've :))

Thank you and goodbye :)

I then stopped, and thought of something that I could stream right now.

"Hmm...."

I giggled.

"Well, I guess I'll go stream Minecraft."

I guess I'll do hardcore Minecraft. I don't think I should be in the server for now. It'll be too awkward.

Once it reached 8:30 PM, I started the stream.

"Ohayou, madoshis! The Mage of Hololive, Shirazaki Yamada, is here!" I clapped twice.

"I don't know what we're gonna do for this hardcore Minecraft stream, but I know exactly what I'm gonna build."

I continued my previous work, and checking the automatic farm and the villagers, and once that was done, I clapped both of my hands twice.

"Alright! Time to tell you guys what I'm planning on making. I'm thinking of making a logo for Yamada's Music Inc."

I snipped more wool from the sheep. I dyed all of them black and white for the meantime.

"Now, I'm still thinking of the font for the letters, or how I'm gonna do the letters, but I know what the background will be. It will consist of a couple of keys from a piano, and over that, I'll put the text 'Yamada's Music Inc.'"

I then slept on the bed.

"However, I'll be honest, I'll be extra careful, and bring a water bucket with me at all times. If I fall, I at least know how to land the water bucket trick. I'll also be more wary as I am out of my safe space temporarily when this happens. I'll also bring a bed with me so that I can sleep immediately. I don't want to build while a creeper might potentially spawn and explode near me."

I started building it. I used dirt for scaffolding, and I laid out some blocks.

"Hmm...how many blocks should I use for this..."

I giggled in frustration.

"Goddamnit! I should've used that tool that everybody uses when making pixel art...okay fuck it. I'll go to a creative world for a bit and quickly draft it."

I did so, and I built it.

"Alright...so 3 blocks white, then two blocks white, and above those 2 blocks will be black keys. The cycle continues for a bit. Yoshi! Time for me to go back."

I then went back to my world, and did it.

"Actually, I'm about to run out of wool." I giggled.

"MLG!!!!" I said as I fell down, and landed a water bucket trick.

"Alright. Sheep?! Go fuck yourselves literally!" I said in English.

I then bred all of them as much as I could, and dyed those that were gray into white or black.

I laughed exactly like Ainsley Harriot and did the "Yeah, boi" while snipping the wool.

"Alrighty, let's-FUUUUUUCK!" I said in English.

There's literally a creeper that was about to explode.

I chanted "nope" as I made my way out of the pen, and stacked my way to the top.

"Okay...no, let's not fuck. That-don't take that out of context, ye bastard clippers." I giggled.

I continued building until the stream reached 1 hr and 30 minutes in total.

"Oh crap, welp. I guess I'll do this another time. Let's just finish this up until the next C octave so that I can start laying out and drafting the letters."

I did so, and it took about 5 minutes.

"Yoshi! Right, geronimo!"

I landed with the water bucket, and went to the village.

"Okay, everybody! That does it for this hardcore stream! So to summarize, I thought of building a logo, almost got blown up by a creeper, and built the foundations for it. I feel like that's one of the best episodes in the Yamadaphucka show." I giggled.

"That'll be all for this hardcore Minecraft stream, and thank you! Bye, madoshis!" I said.

I ended the stream.

"Now..."

I leaned on my desk.

"I guess this'll be an awkward afternoon..."

Sept 24, 2020 1:00 PM

I went to the Hololive building via motor, and I was at the entrance.

I saw Yagoo there, and I opened the door.

"Glad to see you came here in one piece, Yamada." He chuckled.

"Well, considering what was said on the news, it's a miracle." I said sa.

News earlier~

"So around September 08, 2020. There has been a certain spike in crime rate in Japan. As time passed by, even other countries' crime rates have risen. As of now, September 24, 2020, Japan has increased by 45%, making Japan currently one of the most dangerous countries. For other countries, on average, they have increased by 24%. The 2nd most dangerous right now is China. 3rd on the list is the Philippines."

Present~

"Despite the crime rate, I haven't seen a lot of activity going on..."

However, I think that's cause it's happening on other prefectures. That doesn't mean I haven't seen any activity in Tokyo though. 

"Well, what's up?" I asked.

"Come with me to the meeting room...everybody wants to see you."

I clicked my tongue the way I'd beatbox my snare sometimes.

"Knew it."

"I know what happened. I'm on both your sides though."

We made our way to the elevator.

"I understand Amelia's side, but I know for a fact you won't do something as horrible as rape. You're not a criminal, are you?" He said as he pushed a button.

"Obviously."

Aside from getting into fights before, and actually almost got apprehended by a cop before.

"Well, besides, you always resorted to fists when things get out of hand. I'm sure you did that to Amelia cause you thought it was necessary."

"Welp, for her case, I knew rape was the best option for a threat."

Wanna know why? She's a girl. Girls don't like to be raped.

We then made our way to the meeting room.

"Don't get in your feelings, okay? Let's be as professional as possible, at the same time, casual."

I nodded.

"I'm not like before."

That doesn't mean I won't have a tendency to act like before though.

He opened the door of the meeting room, and I saw everybody there. Chinese, Indonesians, Japanese, and English. I also saw the Holostars there.

It made me think back to last night. Everybody was fucking jolly, but now everybody in serious mode. Hayai-desu yo.~~

"Good afternoon, everybody." Yagoo said.

They nodded.

We sat down on our seats. Kira to my right, Rikka to my left. He knows I'm not supposed to sit near any girls right now.

"Now, I know what happened last night. Calli-chan told me what she knew, and Sora-chan told me Yamada's side." Yagoo said.

He leaned on the desk.

"Note that all of you except for Yamada and the English are here just to know information, so you all are technically spectators here. Don't interfere unless you're told to, or until they're done debating, understand, everybody?"

They nodded, and the others translated what Yagoo said to the others quietly. After the translating, Yagoo started speaking.

"Now, let's start to hear more of the other's perspectives. Calli-chan? You first."

She nodded.

"Yamada-senpai, you know that's wrong to attempt to rape a girl!" She stood up.

"Did you even ask Amelia what happened as to why I did that?"

She froze a bit.

"Oh, she didn't tell you yet?" 

What's the deal with girls going unprepared in the battlefield?

"Well, Amelia, mind saying what happened?" I asked.

She nodded while frowning.

"Um..."

"Wait for a bit." I said while raising my left index finger.

Whoever doesn't understand English fluently, I tethered their brains to mine, so that my language is shared to them. That way, they can understand English until I cut the tethering.

"Speak now." I said.

She nodded.

"Last night, I asked Yamada-senpai where the bathroom was, and I went upstairs, but my true intentions was to...get closer to his mom.."

She looked at me.

"I lied to him, and actually went to his parents' bedroom, where I thought she might be in. Then we talked for a bit, and...I guess you could say we were kinda having sex."

"Not just 'kinda.' You were in the process of having sex."

Everybody gasped a bit.

"Oh? Calli, you really didn't ask Amelia that, huh?"

"I-I was mad yesterday! I tried to rationalize, but...Grrh! I couldn't think straight!"

"Calli, you let your feelings get in the way. You needed to know Amelia's side before this happened."

"But Yamada-senpai! My point is, you could've done something better other than threaten to rape her!"

"So? Can you suggest a better idea then?"

She thought a bit.

"Like...maybe you could scold her or something...?"

"...Calli, lemme hypothesize a scenario."

I stood up and leaned on the table while sighing a bit.

"If you were so obsessed by an ex-boyfriend of yours, and I was your boyfriend currently, and I kept telling you to stop thinking about him, would you really stop? Or will you continue to rant about him?"

"W-Well..."

"Answer honestly." I said.

"...No."

"See? That's human nature. Even us. Even me." I emphasized 'me'.

"But still, I'm sure you could've done something else!"

"Like what? Beat her up? Not only is that worse, but she won't stop if that happened."

Amelia frowned more, and Calli clenched her fists.

"I-I agree with Calli." Gura said.

We looked at her.

"Yamada-senpai, I know you wouldn't do that..." She looked at me in the eyes.

"Well, unfortunately, I did, Gura." I said.

Gura frowned more.

"Wanna know why I did that?" I asked.

"What?" Calli asked.

"What do you prefer? Being beaten up? Or raped?"

"...Beaten up..."

"See? That's why I did that. If I beat Amelia up, she won't listen, but if I do as much as hint that I'll rape her, she'll listen."

She clenched her fists.

I sighed.

"Listen, do I think Amelia was wrong to do that? Yes, especially when she said she would 'come and go'. Am I angry at her? Yes, absolutely. But do I think she deserves a second chance? ...Yes."

Calli widened her eyes, but I kept a still face.

Amelia looked at me, and so did the other English members.

"Amelia, I'm angry at you. I do think that what you did was wrong. Even though polygamy is allowed, gay marriage isn't. So is that 'come and go' mentality of yours, Amelia." I said as I looked at her.

She frowned and looked down.

"Amelia, now is your second chance. Rise above everything. Stomp your problems, throw it in the trash, and push through. Forget what happened in the past, and make yourself better."

Kiara clenched her fists, and stood up.

"Forget what happened...?" She said while crying.

Oh fuck, I know where this is going, and I don't like it. Not that it's not going in my favor, but this'll be a sharp curve to another direction.

"Kiara, don't you even-"

"YAMADA-SENPAI, YOU HURT AMELIA PHYSICALLY A-AND EMOTIONALLY!"

"..." I kept quiet.

"Y-You...not only did you pin her to the tree by choking her, y-you attempted to r-rape her!"

"Kiara, I explained it already-"

"But still, to think you'd give her a second chance, but still have a grudge against her...didn't you fuck up so many times before too?!"

...I sighed.

"I did...so many times..."

I don't get Kiara's point though...

"Then haven't you felt depression through those times?!"

"You think I don't, Kiara? You think I'm this fucking cold and plain-faced right now cause that's what I've been the past few years? I used to be a baby-faced fucko before." I said with a straight face.

She kept quiet for a bit, and clenched her fists harder.

"I still can't forgive you..."

"Why? What's the thing? I already gave her a second chance. I don't see the problem-"

"AMELIA SAID SHE WANTED TO KILL HERSELF LAST NIGHT!"

".....She what?" I leaned on the table more.

"I-It's true..." Amelia held her left arm.

"When we tried comforting her, she said very depressing stuff like she wanted to die, she felt like a nuisance, she was a disappointment, and the list goes on..." Ina said in a soft voice.

"I-I can't forgive the f-fact that you made Amelia very depressed! She couldn't think straight last night! None of us could! We were extremely worried!" Kiara shouted.

Huh...no wonder the English have some visible eyebags. They've been up all night trying to comfort Amelia. I'm here just having a good night's rest while being an angry fucko that got used to pain, so I'm having a plain face expression right now.

"...You're too sensitive." I said as I looked down and started walking off.

"W-WHAT THE FUCK YOU JUST SAID, YOU-" I cut off Calli and Kiara.

"I said you guys are too sensitive." I looked at them.

They went to activate their gifts, and I could feel everybody getting tense from the vibe, but Yagoo broke it.

"Stop it." He said, activating 'Voice of Order'.

I could feel him being upset, specifically me.

He looked at me.

"Yamada, apologize. You know that was an insensitive statement."

"I don't see a reason as to why I have to apologize." I said.

I looked at them.

"If you think that her being depressed over some married woman is a big ass problem, you got your problems mixed up."

Kiara walks up to me, and grabs me by the collar.

"You've gone too far, mister!"

She cried more, and looked at me in the eyes. I can see the sadness and anger in her eyes.

"So what? Y-Y-You think the whole world revolves around you?! HUH?! YOU THINK YOU'RE THE PROTAGONIST IN YOUR STORY?!"  She went closer.

"No..."

I grabbed her wrists.

"But the world doesn't revolve around you either. None of us are a protagonist in our own story."

I let her wrists go.

"If I'm able to move on from being the fucker I was back in high school for a long time with just myself covering my back and being comforted by my parents after I got the will to confess despite being very depressed, surely Amelia can move on with 5 friends to comfort her after confessing her feelings in 1 night."

"So what?! At this moment, you're not crying! You've never experienced that, right?!"

I glared at her.

"So you think that I kept a straight face everytime I beat up a gang before?"

She relaxed her face a bit.

"You think I've never thought of cutting my wrist, committing suicide, and other depressed shit? Huh?" 

As I was talking, I walked towards her, and she stepped back everytime I took a step.

I also tethered my mind to Amelia's mind, and read some of her past memories as deep as I could. I also felt a bit weak, so I activated Kanata's eyes for now.

"Do you think I never punched my face a couple times for being a dick before? You think I've always been like this? Stoic-faced? HUH?!"

I started hyperventilating a bit from the anger.

"Amelia already got her second chance! I've fucked so many times! Just when I thought I could muster up the courage, I kept quiet about my pain! I've been through hell so many fucking times! I lost count of how many chances I've been given! And I'm not dumb, just so you know?! I know Amelia's pain! She suffered worse than me! Mine looks like an abandoned puppy in comparison!"

I clenched my fists.

"...I know what she's been through."

"R-Really...?"

I chuckled.

"She was bitten by a dog, her grandma was a whore, playing with other women's husbands back in her younger days, resulting to her getting cursed which gives her strong luck, both bad and good, she got a hole in her head from jumping on a bed with her bro, her tongue hung by a thread, her ears are kinda damaged, -"

I started raising my voice while kinda letting my anger take control of my body. I tried my best holding it back though.

"-she was almost kidnapped, she was unfairly blamed for stealing money to buy a Nintendo DS when it was actually her bro, her house BURNED DOWN CAUSE HER BRO MICROWAVED A PLASTIC LEG, ONLY HER BEST FRIEND WENT TO HER HOUSE FOR HER BIRTHDAY! SHOULD I KEEP GOING?!"

...I giggled.

"You know, I realized something too..."

"H-Huh?" Kiara said.

I looked at Amelia.

"If any of you listened to my song 'Battlefield', the girl I saved before was Amelia."

Everybody widened their eyes, and looked at Amelia.

"Y-You really were the one that saved me...?" Amelia asked.

"I thought you knew?"

"B-But I was still having doubts in my head!"

"Well, unlucky you, Amelia. I was the one that saved you. So was my dad and a couple other men."

I giggled.

"So if you've gone through that miserable past of yours, surely you can get over what happened last night, and improve yourself again, right? Besides, she let her lust take over. This will remind her not to be such a horny bitch. Even I'm perverted, but I make sure to let my lust take over when the girl wants to have sex. I learned not to let lust take control of me easily."

Kiara clenched her fists, Calli looked down in anger, Amelia frowned along with Ina and Gura, and the others were petrified.

"Oh, sorry, everybody. I think I scared you all." I giggled.

Everybody was literally petrified. None of them expected I was like this, huh? Not even Sora? A girl that was with me since the 1st year of college?

"Y-Yamada..." Sora said.

I sighed.

"I'm out. We both have proven our points." I said as I stopped tethering my mind to theirs and started walking out.

Yagoo sighed.

"W-Where do you think you're going, Yamada-sen-" Yagoo cut off Kiara.

"Enough." He said with 'Voice of Order'.

Everybody stopped except me. I tried resisting his voice, resulting to me staggering a bit.

I opened the door, and closed it.

I then clenched my fists hard as I walked in the hallway. If my nails were sharp, I would've already pierced some veins and nerves inside my hand. Possibly piercing through my hand.

Yagoo's POV

I looked at everybody.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, everybody. You all just need to cool down for a bit."

I looked at the English members.

"Especially you five. You had it tough last night."

I looked at the door.

"You all may not know it, but Yamada is the most pissed out of all of you."

I clenched my fists.

"Besides, it's true. Hearing all your childhood experiences from him, Amelia-chan, you might be able to move on."

"B-But Yagoo! Amelia was almost raped! That's way different than feeling pain!" Calli said.

Except that it's also painful to be raped...*ehem* Flare-sama *ehem*

"Well, Amelia-chan, what's your say in that?" I asked.

We looked at her, and she then spoke up after putting both her arms down.

"B-Being raped is the last thing I want to happen in my life...I'd rather be tortured than to be raped...This is way different from my past experiences." Amelia said.

"I see...Once again, I'm sorry you all had to see that..."

"..."

Everybody kept quiet...I thought an argument would transpire here. Hell, even I don't have a lot to say right now. We're speechless from that performance that Yamada just put up.

"Everybody, just go back to your houses. Everybody needs to clear their mind. I don't know who's side you'll pick, whether it's Amelia's or Yamada's, but I know one thing. I'm on both their sides."

I know what happened, so I'm trying to rationalize here.

I looked at Calli.

"I'm sorry, Calli-chan. Can you send them back please?"

She nodded.

"Understood, Yagoo."

Yamada's POV

I made a portal to my room, and I closed it.

I lied on the bed, tired and angry.

I looked up at the ceiling as my mind sorta went blank. More like I forced myself to think nothing just to get rid of my problems...despite knowing this is temporary.

I sighed.

"Jesus..."

Reading her mind today, I just realized that Amelia was the girl I saved before...Poor girl was part of a ransom before...

"That was a dick move..."

But a necessary one. Amelia has gone through much worse experiences. Surely she can recover from that too.

I chuckled.

"I bet there's conflict within Hololive now."

All because of that night.

I suppressed the urge to cry and slam my hand on the bed by clenching my left fist while covering my eyes with my left forearm and grabbing the bed sheet tight with my right hand. Right now, I could snap at any moment.

"...Amelia..."

I'm confused. Am I angry at her? Or do I just want her to recover? Do I care for her? Or do I want to cut connections?

I clenched my fists harder, and held the sheets tighter.

"Amelia...mom....Why the f....."

I had enough. I want to vent out. This is my moment where I can snap now.

I made a portal to that place where we saved Kiara before.

I then ran to a tree, and dropkicked it hard while using "Strength Amplification", resulting to it knocking other trees out, and the soil kinda rising a bit, while the roots sorta detach from the ground.

I panted hard.

"GRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

I punched a tree while putting a barrier on my hand, and a couple trees got knocked down the same way those other trees fell down.

"FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!"

My fists felt numb, and I think there's blood going out, but I'm too angry to control it.

I then punched the ground repeatedly, venting out my anger gradually.

"GOD! FUCKING! DAMMIT! FUCK!!"

But despite the venting, I got angrier. It's like bricks being stacked on top of each other, getting bigger as time goes on.

Amelia's POV

I went through the portal, and I lied in bed as it closed.

I sighed.

"Yamada-senpai..."

I'm sorry...I let my lust take control of me.

"Is it all my fault...?" I smiled bittersweet-like.

I asked myself that question despite knowing who caused this whole problem in the first place.

I covered my eyes with my left forearm, and clenched the bedsheets with my right hand.

"...Is Hololive gonna fall because of me...?"

I clenched my fists harder, and sobbed more.

"...Fuck my life...."

I even planned that in the moment...Guess I should've never done that...I let my desires take control of me...

After a while, I let go, and rested my left arm on my stomach.

I just let depression fill my mind. 

Yamada's POV

"AMELIA, FUCK YOU!"

I started imagining beating up Amelia. It felt too real to be an imagination.

"BECAUSE OF YOU, MY MOM CHEATED ON MY DAD!"

"BECAUSE OF YOU, HOLOLIVE IS HAVING CONFLICT!"

"BECAUSE OF YOU, WE MIGHT JUST GO ON A BLOODY FUCKING WAR AMONGST OURSELVES!!!"

I punched the ground one more time, and finally cried.

"...Because of you..."

I rested my head on the ground.

"....our connections might be cut....!"

I tried punching once more, but this time, I deactivated my gift from being too weak, and almost getting 5 LF, resulting to a weak slam to the ground.

Amelia's POV

I giggled.

I started imagining being punched in the face by Yamada-senpai multiple times. I actually wish it happened though...

"Because of me, your mom can't go back to the way she was."

"Because of me, people might turn against you."

"Because of me, there'll be fights that'll happen between Hololive..."

I sobbed one more time.

"Because of me...we might not go back to the way we were..."

I clenched my fists hard.

Yamada and Amelia's POV

"...If only that never happened...fuck."

Sept 24, 2020 7:30 PM

We ate dinner. We were eating beef steak, meat with vegetables that included squash, string beans, okra and eggplant, and noodles.

"Say, why aren't any of you speaking during dinner?" Masato asked with his mouth full.

It's true. Around lunchtime, we didn't speak one word to each other. I knew Masato and Yua noticed, but they didn't have the courage to speak it up yet.

"Well, we've got some stuff to think about." I said.

I tried to lie to keep their innocence intact.

"Yeah. We're thinking about our tours, Masato, Yua." My dad said.

"We're just thinking about speakers, interviews, and such." My mom smiled.

"Ah, sou ka. Well, you are gonna leave in about...4 days, right?" Masato asked.

They nodded.

"Let's make the most of our time here, mom, dad!" Yua said.

"Nn!" They said.

"Yeah...make the most of our time here..." I said.

...Can we even do it? Knowing what happened? I don't know...but I just hope they can make up afterwards. My mom fucked up, but I know she can recover. Even my dad can recover from that bloody incident

We washed the dishes, and after washing, I went upstairs to my room.

I sighed.

I checked my channel's sub count, and chuckled.

"Tomorrow, Joji will release 'Nectar', and my sub count hasn't reached 800k yet. I guess I'll do a Joji listen-along stream tomorrow."

For now though, I'll be working on another song. The one where Sparkle - iri was my inspiration for.

"...But now that I think about it..."

Who'll be my buddy to be with me when I write that one song of mine...?

I shrugged.

"I'll figure something out."

For now, lemme finish this song.

It took me about 20 minutes to finish it. 3 minutes to finish writing, and the remaining time to refine what I wrote.

Intro:
*8 bars play*

Verse 1 (sing):
"The sun goes away, as the moon goes up.~"
"The clouds of darkness dissipate, and the lights turn on.~"
"You can see all the diamonds shining in the sky.~"

"That's when the turtle comes out of his shell to wander around.~"
"He's mesmerized by the moonlight. He does not make a sound.~"
"And that's the only time that guy feels alive.~"

Pre-chorus:
"The night breeze does feel a little bit cold, but I don't care.~"
"Cause the warmth feels nice when nobody's here.~"

"The whispers of the night telling me to go back, but I don't care.~"
"Cause nothing can stop me now.~"
"No, nothing can stop me from feeling the-~"

Chorus:
"Night breeze.~"
"Cause nobody can stop me from feeling the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"I can stay like this forever in the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"Yeah, I feel so alive, everytime that it's night. Cause-~"
"I just love the feeling that I get when I'm alone inside the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"The night breeze.~"
"The night breeze.~"
"Yeah, I feel so alive, everytime that it's night. Cause-~"
"I just love the feeling that I get when I'm alone inside the-~"
"Night breeze.~"

*4 bars play*

Verse 2 (rap):
"As I sit in the park, all I hear are the crickets.~"
"It's like I've wrote for hours. Light above where my head is.~"
"When I feel kinda tired, I just rest."
"My subconsciousness savoring the time I spend in bliss.~"

"Cause my time here is limited, 'till I go back home.~"
"It's my remedy for problems. It's a waste of time? No.~"
"It's an escape from the darkness that occasionally shows.~"
"and I bet you this, I'd stay right here forever if I could. Cause-~"

Pre-chorus:
"The night breeze does feel a little bit cold, but I don't care.~"
"Cause the warmth feels nice when nobody's here. Oh, no.~"

"Something keeps pulling me back, but I know my heart wants to stay right here.~"
"Cause nothing can stop me now.~"
"No, nothing can stop me from feeling the-~"

Chorus:
"Night breeze.~"
"Cause nobody can stop me from loving the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"I wish I could stay. I really love the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"Yeah, I feel so alive, everytime that it's night. Cause-~"
"I just love the feeling that I get when I'm alone inside the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"The night breeze.~"
"The night breeze. Oh, woah.~"
"Yeah, I feel so alive, everytime that it's night. Cause-~"
"I just love the feeling that I get when I'm alone inside the-~"
"Night breeze.~"

*4 bars play*

Bridge:
*humming*
"Oh, the night breeze.~"
"...The night breeze, Damn!~"
"..Man, it feels good, to be tucked in your hood.~"
"Once again, I get that feeling that's so warm when you're alone inside the-~"

Chorus:
"Night breeze.~"
"Cause nobody can stop me. I'll stay in the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"Lemme savor the vibe. Let me enjoy my time in the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"Yeah, I feel so alive, everytime that it's night. Cause-~"
"I just love the feeling that I get when I'm alone inside the-~"
"Night breeze.~"
"The night breeze.~"
"The night breeze.~"
"Yeah, I feel so alive, everytime that it's night. Cause-~"
"I just love the feeling that I get when I'm alone inside the-~"
"Night breeze.~"

Outro:*8 bars play*

After writing the song, I made a thumbnail. The top text says "Joji listen-along". For the album itself, I went searching for fan-arts about me and Joji. There was one where I was hugging the BALLADS 1 album, so I got that, traced my character, and inserted the cover of the album so that it looks like I'm hugging the Nectar album. The background is then just my outro screen.

I then tweeted this:

"HOLY MOTHERFDUIGFDHGJFKHR, NECTAR COMING OUT TOMORROW! BUT I AIN'T GOING TO LISTEN TO IT JUST  YET. AS SOON AS I HIT THAT JUICY 800K, WE GON' FANBOY LIKE SHVT! LOOKING FORWARD TO IT MADOSHIS!

Around 5-6 AM JST btw, in estimation.

LESGOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Sept 25, 2020 5:10 PM

I woke up after hearing my alarm go off, and I got up after a minute.

"Alright...time to check my sub count..."

I turned my PC on, and I checked my channel.

"799k subs...I was right in my estimation."

Welp, time to set up everything quickly.

I then set up OBS, and the live subscriber count. Afterwards, I hit record.

"Ohayou, madoshis. The Mage of Shirazaki Yamada, Hololive, is here." I said a bit quiet.

"Now, if you're wondering why I'm being a bit quieter than usual, it's because my family is sleeping in the other room." I giggled.

"Now, my sub count is literally 500 subs away-oh, it's 499 now. Thank you madoshi-"

As soon as I said that, someone unsubscribed, putting it back to 500 which made me laugh.

"Oh my god, perfect timing." I laughed.

Of course, I made it audible for me, and quiet enough for the other room.

I saw it go back to 499.

"Ah, there we go! Nice!" I clapped.

"Anyway, since it's not 800k subs yet, I shall be talking about why FilthyFrank saved me in my younger days." 

"So, back before, I think some of you came for the same reason. He got popular for doing that Harlem Shake meme. Remember those good ol' days? Happy wheels? Flash games? Amnesia? Pewdiepie and shit? Yeah, I stumbled upon his channel there, but I didn't watch more afterwards. I think it was before the time his voice changed that I started looking deeper into his videos." I giggled.

"That's when I became a huge fan. Despite the bullshit he puts out, he's very talented. He can make music, he can actually sing and rap, he makes nice comedy, and has no shame at all. The last part is what I love. He can fucking eat ravioli while in public, he shouts 'Hamburger pls' in a pink suit with an ugly face while acting like he has down syndrome. He's just the best." I laughed.

"That's also where I coped with my problems before. I actually flash my middle finger sometimes out of nowhere, I swear quite a lot in Tagalog and English before, I'd say random vulgar Japanese sentences to my classmates like 'Ore no ochinchin ga suu' (Which means 'suck my dick' but I could be wrong), and I'd just not take things seriously most of the time."

"When he changed from Filthy Frank to Joji though, I was both sad and happy, since, yes, he was uninterested in continuing the Filthy Frank show, and wanted to do something he loved, which was music, and I was sad that it happened, but considering that if he continued it, he could make his health problems even worse, he might get actually harmed, and because people might find it more vulgar nowadays, it made sense why he changed, but I'm really happy for him. He became this new person called 'Joji', he's been getting more popular, he's actually enjoying life more, he got together with Rich Brian, one of my favorite artists ever, and he makes good music. Not the best, but it's just so fucking good." I giggled.

"But yeah, Joji has been a huge part of my life, and I'm really thankful to him for helping me through my struggling times. Yes, he was very vulgar, but the jokes were funny, okay? Besides, that was comedy before. Just shitting on stereotypes and stuff, and I thought that was very funny." I laughed.

"If it wasn't for him, I would've done way worse than what I just did before. Instead of flashing a middle finger occasionally, I'd kancho them hard."

I continued talking more about other stuff, and bam!

"Ooh! I reached 800k subs!"

I kept looking at it for a few more minutes to see if it'll change back to 799,999 or something, but it went to 800,015.

"Yes, madoshis! We finally reached 800k subs!" I clapped.

"You know what that means, right?! Get your headphones or earphones, or whatever you use to listen to his music. Maybe speakers to wake the neighbors up?" I giggled.

"And let's listen to his album! I'll also be putting a live timer to let you guys know where I am at each song."

After each song, I give a few minutes just talking about everything I loved about it. It's mostly about the subtleties, the instruments, the vibe, and the vocals.

Ew 

"Ooh! We're finally getting into it, madoshis!" I said, clearly trying to hold in my excitement.

My hands are shaking in excitement right now, and I can't wait to hear it.

I listened to the piano.

"Aw man, the piano sounds lovely. Sasuga Papa Franku." I giggled.

I listened more of it, and around 0:16, I heard his vocals.

"There he is!"

I was absolutely stunned.

"I'm not saying this isn't better than BALLADS 1, but it has really been a huge upgrade from the album."

Funny, cause I just realized one of his songs is called "Upgrade".

Around the pre-chorus, I was amazed. The use of background vocals and instruments, and how it just mixes well together, is just amazing. The violin is what made it beautiful though.

"Oh man, right now, I'm loving 'Ew'. Despite the name, it's fucking fantastic."

I kept quiet for a bit.

"Oh, and in case none of you knew, I do have it in spotify, but I'm saving it for later. Right now, I'm streaming it in Youtube...holy fuck, I just love this song already. This might be my favorite song in the album, but let's see later on. There might be other songs that I'll like. I actually liked 'Run' and 'Sanctuary.'"

I listened to the whole thing, and I covered my face.

"Yo, it's just the opener of the album, yet I'm already loving it. A LOT!" I giggled.

"Nectar is gonna be a fucking masterpiece-"

As I said that, I checked the comments. Not the live chat, but the comments on the song.

"...You know what, I think it's better not scrolling in the comments, madoshis." I giggled.

Context: The comments are filled with 9 year old kpop stans "loving" Joji, and cause everybody is spamming "WhO cAmE hErE cAuSe Of NaMjOoN?"

It's kinda funny. There was actual drama with K-pop stans hating on Joji cause he said the n-word, very vulgar, and other shit, but then, Rapmon (Kim Namjoon) actually liked Joji's EP, which was "In Tongues" in some sort of stream in that one app called Vlive, or whatever platform he streamed saying that, and then, I kid you not, almost the entire comment section is filled with K-pop stans.

I know that it's gonna be buried in other comments though, so this won't last long, and plus I don't wanna go on another war with stans and shit. I just wanna listen to the album for God's sake.

MODUS

"Ooh, this is way different now. It's a bit calmer."

Later on, it really was calm, it went a bit scenic afterwards, but as it went to the 1st verse, it now became a bit of a chill trap kind of music.

"It's been a while since I heard Joji rap. The only times I heard him rap was about pizza and shit." I giggled.

Also about erectile dysfunction, fried rice, ramen, and other stuff.

I was vibing hard. I was bopping my head a lot to the music.

"Damn, Joji. Why'd you gotta make another masterpiece?" I giggled.

"I can't choose between 'Ew' and 'MODUS'. I gotta love both. I'm liking 'MODUS' right now."

As the song went along, it got even better, and more scenic, while keeping that sort of 'trap' vibe to it.

"Holy shit..."

The music then ended.

"Yo, while 'Ew' was more scenic, and had more emotion to it, 'MODUS' was...well, I didn't check the lyrics yet, and I still have yet to check it again to confirm what I heard, but while 'Ew' was more focused on love and it's bittersweetness, 'MODUS' was unique in a way where he was talking about 'machines' which I'm guessing is something like you're technically braindead for always working in the industry, which I will admit, even in Hololive, the girls work hard for their idol shit, but nowadays we take more breaks. It doesn't excuse the fact we still gotta work our asses, and this is kinda unique."

"The chorus as well... 'And I hope this is the hardest part we tried' kinda resonates something in me. It's something like 'working hard too much, that you spend less time with her.'"

Tick Tock

I was wowed.

"Woah, I was not expecting that. This gives me Iofi-esque vibes, and yes, I said 'Iofi', not Lofi. It's the same thing anyway." I chuckled.

Not only that, it's an actual music video where a camera is used.

"Oh man, I love that deep voice." I laughed.

Overall, I loved Tick Tock. It was chill actually. I also loved those background vocals that appear subtly. The nuance of these vocals is what actually makes this good.

I even tried to sing the chorus cause of how catchy it is.

Daylight

"Ah yeah, I heard this one. We all heard this. One of his recent singles released before Nectar released."

Once the verse came, I also sang a bit.

"Wide awake, getting half past zero.~ It's getting heated so I leave the windows open.~ Windows open.~"

I still vibed to it though, and kept quiet. I just wanted to watch the music video again.

Upgrade

"Ooh, I like it. Sounds chill as well....oh, even the video is reminiscent of BALLADS 1." I laughed.

Even the music actually sounds like a song from BALLADS 1.

When Joji got the donut though, I just burst out laughing, but held my mouth. Good thing I wasn't too loud.

"Oh god, of course he'd do that." I laughed again.

I then vibed more to it. I think this is the chillest so far. I also like the outro. Really made me "la la la" to it.

...

I continued listening to the rest of his songs, which go, in order: High Hopes, NITROUS, Pretty Boy, Normal People, Afterthought, Mr. Hollywood, 777, Reanimator, Like You Do, and Your Man.

"Overall, I really like the album. For the instruments, all of them had good use in it. Like Nitrous, it was chill, so there didn't need to be too much instruments. It just needed to be chill. But it was a 'fast chill' song. I'd say my least favorite is 'Pretty Boy'. Not that I hate it, nor do I hate the fact Lil Yachty was featured there. I still do like the song, but it's just my least favorite. It doesn't mean I won't listen to it though. It's just a preference. The song is still catchy, and I love it, but it's just my least favorite if we ranked it in a tier list."

"The song I loved before the full release was 'Run'. I just loved the guitar solo in the bridge. The song I loved though after the full release of 'Nectar' is...I think it's 'Like You Do'. I don't know. The scenery I got from it almost made me cry. You all heard it, didn't you?"

Time rewind~

"Chotto matte..."

I stopped the music, and held my face.

"Damn...I think I might cry actually." I giggled.

"Damn, Joji! You made such a good song that it made me feel so emotional." I giggled again.

It just gives me good scenery in my head as I imagine the scenario.

Present~

"I'd say the catchiest in this album is either Nitrous, Pretty Boy, or Your Man. But Your Man seems to be more prominent in the 'bop' area, along with 777. 777 made me wanna dance." I giggled.

"So that might mean it's either Nitrous or Pretty Boy. I'd say it's 'Pretty Boy'. Yes, it's my least favourite, but it's catchy, okay? Just like the Boku no Pico openi-COUGH...continuing on." I laughed.

"The chillest there might be...'Upgrade'. I mean, 'Ew' can be in the list, but I think Ew is more of a 'scenic' song for me. 'Upgrade' just had a BALLADS 1 vibe to it. The most emotional there though would be 'Like You Do'. I don't know man. It makes me a feel a way.~ You and I, we are one in the same.~ Loving in pain.~ Loving in.~" I giggled.

"So! In a scale of 1-10, I'd give this a 9. It's good for me, and enough to keep me listening for months. Maybe even years, or until the next album he releases. It might not suit other people's tastes, but for me, it's a very good 9 for me."

I clapped twice.

"Dewa, since we still have some free time, I shall sing! I won't go all out though. Just enough to not disturb my parents and siblings in the other room." I giggled.

I started singing Run, Sanctuary, Tick Tock, and Gimme Love.

"Alright, madoshis! That's it for this stream! Again, Joji made another masterpiece of an album." I clapped twice.

"So, I hope you all liked listening along to the songs. I sure enjoyed it. Joji just keeps giving me surprises. 'In Tongues' was a nice EP, BALLADS 1 was kinda similar to Peggy's albums where it sounds kinda experimental, but is nice to listen to, and then Nectar comes, and it gives full blast!" I laughed.

"With that out of the way, and a bit of a chill 800k subs special, that'll be all for now. Bye, madoshis!!!"

I then ended the stream.

"Honestly...I needed that." I smiled.

After the fucking mayhem that transpired yesterday, I need something to get rid of the stress.

I then went to Spotify on my phone, got my earphones, and played Nectar, starting from 'Upgrade' though.

"Anyway, now that that's done..."

What shall I do now...?

"...Now that I think about it, recording audio may be good, but it's a hassle to record in advance, then move to a certain time just to show proof."

Welp, I guess I'll be a bit busy trying to do that. 

"So...I guess I'll do this myself."

Let's see if this'll work...

First, I'll tether the phone to my brain. 

Second, tether it to the audio recorder app, and think of the tethering like an astral hand able to touch a physical object.

Third, in order for the audio recording app to work, it needs to always go to the app, so since the 2nd step was done, I just need the "astral hand" to press the record button.

Now that the visualization part is done, understanding comes.

A hand presses against a touchscreen phone, and something happens, cause of "conductors", and since bare hands can conduct electricity (apparently), or something like a stylus, I need the astral hand to have some sort of surface with tin foil on it, so that's done.

"Now just apply the LF...!"

My LF was reduced by 10, and it's done.

"Let's check it..." I said as I activate Kanata's eyes.

I opened the calculator, "recorded" on the phone, and it worked.

I chuckled.

"It works..."

The app even changes from the calculator to the audio recorder.

"Now..."

I leaned back on my chair.

"How will this day go, I wonder...?" I chuckled.

I don't know why....but I can feel cheeks rising, and my top teeth touching my bottom lip...

Yes...I'm smiling....and I don't know why.