The smuggling of the food went easier than they had expected it to be. Mikey and Dallon filled up plates and exited the pub discretely. Anytime somebody asked where they were off to they made an excuse about having a bathroom emergency or how they needed to find some breath mints or some other pathetic reason. Before they knew it, there was a heaping pile of food behind a few palm trees in the woods. It was not visible to anybody on the beach and it took barely two minutes to get there.

Back on the shore, Brendon was released by the doctors. He had received quite a blow to head and was knocked out for a good three minutes. As soon as he was set free, Ryan helped him into the pub. Once they sat down together in a booth for their meal, Ryan explained a plan he came up with to Brendon.

"You realize what could happen, right?" Ryan asked in a hushed voice.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Brendon asked.

"Think about it. The final four in the insult wars are just me, you, and Pete and Patrick."

"Oh you're talking about the Brutal Insult War? Ryan, don't worry ab-"

"No, Brendon, you don't get it yet. Billie Joe already said it's going to be me and Pete and then you and Patrick. Then the winners of those rounds will go against each other for the final round. If I beat Pete and you beat Patrick, we're going head to go head to head in the final round."

"Okay. And?" Brendon said. "What's the point?"

"The point is our relationship has been rocky. I really don't want to have to hurl a bunch of harmful insults at you. Especially after all we've been through these past few days."

"I see. So what do we do?" 

"Well that's why I want to talk with you. Let's just purposely surrender these next rounds. You get out and I'll get out. Then the final two can be Pete and Patrick and we don't have to worry about it. But don't make it obvious. Try for a little bit and then surrender. Billie Joe is so dull it'll go right over his empty head."

"Alright, got it. Let's do this." Brendon said, smirking. "What cold go wrong?"

He had no idea of all the many things that could possibly go wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in the stadium
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello everybody. Welcome back to the Brutal Insult Wars." Rian said in a robotic tone into the microphone, proud of his ability to memorize lines this time.

"When we last left off there was an er... incident and Brendon was hit by a bottle while battling Pete. We are not going to count that round." Alex said.

"Now we are going to have Ryan Ross battle uh... Pet Wentz and Patrick Stump will battle Brendon Urie. The winners of those two rounds will go against each other to determine the winner of the Brutal Insult War!" Zack said.

"We're going to ask Ryan and Pete to join us on stage right now." Jack said. "You may begin in five... three... two... one... now!"

Pete was a little thrown off by Jack skipping the number four but it didn't slow him down.

"Put on your war paint, this is gonna be a tough round!" Pete warned.

"Stop there and let me correct you, you're the one who is going to have a tough round." Ryan said.

"You're just a brick tied to me that's dragging me down!" Pete yelled out, knowing very well that insult had already been used once before.

Ryan started another insult, then stopped. Then he moved out from behind his podium and in front of Pete's. He stood close to him and glared, their foreheads barely touching.

Then Ryan grabbed the collar of Pete's jacket, pulled him in close, and kissed him.

All four members of All Time Low blew their whistles and shouted hysterically, running over to stop the kiss. Pete pulled away, wiping his mouth in shock.

Billie Joe laughed so hard he nearly choked on his Fruit Roll Up. The audience buzzed with excitement. Alex pulled out his Walkie Talkie "Error #890. Participant has made love to another participant."

Rian cringed. "Alex, come on, they only kissed. That's a 400."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Error #400. Participant has kissed another participant." Then he looked towards Ryan who was being dragged away by Zack. "Sorry man, you can't do that here. You're disqualified."

Only Rivers Cuomo, who sat in the back of the audience noticed Brendon  mouthing the words "You did what you had to" to Ryan

"That was rough." Alex said. "Lets move on and try to burn that memory from our heads. Now we need Patrick and Brendon to come on up."

Brendon started first without hesistating. "Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, are you nasty? Are you nasty? YES YOU ARE!" he yelled.

"I'm nasty? Yeah I don't think so. The blood, the blood, the blood of you, is worth barely anything but here I am." Patrick said.

"Are you searching for purpose? Then think of yourself, yeah you're absolutely worthless." Brendon said.

A whistle was blown. The round was over. 

"We've got an error #607 here. Song lyrics from another band. I think it was from Twenty One Pilots." Alex announced.

"It was. It was from Kitchen Drink. He changed up a few of the words." Jack said.

"It's called Kitchen Sink you idiot!" Rian said before giving Jack a little slap to the back of the head.

"Stolen lyrics from 'Twenty One Pilots' by Kitchen Sink." Alex said into his walkie talkie.

"No you guys are both so stupid. It's Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots." Rian said.

"Fine." Alex said. "Error #607. Lyrics stolen from 'Kitchen Sink' by Twenty One Pilots. Happy?"

"Yes." Rian said, smirking.

"That concludes the semi-finals!" Zack said, looking proud. "Looks like the finals will be Patrick vs. Pete. We are going to have a five minute intermission in which the two finalists can prepare for next round. Audience members are advised not to stray too far."

"Before we break for intermission, why don't we have Pete and Patrick come on up here and say a few words?" Alex said.

But they were nowhere to be found.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the house
~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know if they find us here we'll probably get in trouble." Patrick said.

"So what? This is more important." Pete said.

As soon as the pair realized it was going to be the two of them facing each other in the last round, Pete brought Patrick back to the house. They escaped quickly and nobody (except Joe but Joe wasn't telling anybody) noticed them duck out. They sat on the couch of the living room having a brief discussion. Thankfully the house was only a little down the beach from where the stadium was so it took barely any time to hurry into privacy.

Pete swallowed and cleared his throat. "Patrick, I really don't want to go against you this round. I just can't... I can't say mean things to you. None of it would feel right."

"I don't want to do that either..." Patrick said, gazing at his shoes.

"So I say we go down together. Let's both mess up together. I say we somehow get eliminated at the same time, that way neither of us wins."

"But how?" Patrick asked.

"We can both say the lyrics to a different song at the same time. A song that isn't ours."

"Okay like what?"

"A dumb song." Pete said, thinking.

"How dumb?"

"Dumber than dumb. Like so dumb the audience will feel the dumbness inside of their bones and want to cry out in pain. So dumb that their skin will start peeling off and sailing toward the ground. So dumb that their ears won't know what hit them. So dumb that their raw throats will beg for mercy. So dumb that-"

"Okay I get the point."

"Good. The only problem is... what song is that dumb?"

"I know a perfect song." Patrick said, smirking, before leaning over and whispering into Pete's ear."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, at the "stadium"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Jack said, into the microphone with a tired voice.

"Why?" the audience asked, even more tired.

"To run away from Alex." Jack said, cracking up.

The audience did one of those half-laughs. The awkward ones where you pretend whatever was said was funny.

Alex spoke into the other microphone at the other podium. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Why?" asked the audience.

"To get away from Jack's horrible jokes."

"Ahuhhuh." the audience mumbled.

This is how the past ten minutes have gone. With the two final contestants, Patrick and Pete, missing, there was nobody to go on stage for the Brutal Insult War. With nobody to go onstage of the Brutal Insult War, there was nobody to entertain the audience. With nobody to entertain them, Alex and Jack had to step in and tell some jokes until Billie Joe, Rian, and Zack found Patrick and Pete. The jokes were just plain awful and nobody was into them at all. 

"If you dress up as a banana and then eat a banana is it called canabananalism?" Jack said.

"No Jack, it's not... It's called being hungry." Alex sighed. "What does a nosey pepper do?"

"What?" the audience sighed.

"Get's jalapeño business!" Alex finished.

"Uhhuhhuh."

"Well that was stupid." Jack said.

"Oh yeah? I'm sure you can't do better." Alex said.

"Sure I can. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?" Jack said, smiling.

"What?"

"A CARROT!" Jack exploded.

The audience didn't even try and fake laugh this time.

"What's ugly and sounds like an idiot?" Alex said. "Jack Barakat!"

"At least I don't look homeless!"

"At least I don't have skunk hair!"

This got the audience laughing. They came here for roasts and roasts were being served hot and fresh right in front of their eyes. Just then Alex picked up his walkie-talkie and started listening. He nodded and replied and then leaned into the microphone on his podium.

"This just in, Pete and Patrick have been spotted and will be arriving in T minus two minutes. And now, for another stupid joke by none other than the real life Jack Barakat."

"What? I'm not prepared!" Jack said.

"Too bad. Think up a joke quickly." Alex said.

"What's the difference between..." Jack started.

"THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARTYRDOM AND SUICIDE IS PRESS COVERAGE!" Ryan Ross blurted out, completely unexpected. "Um, sorry. That just uh... slipped."

"Okay then... that was strange." Jack said, confused how that had anything to do with anything. "Let's continue. What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?"

"What?"

"Snowballs!"

The audience sighed. They were too tired of fake laughing at crappy jokes.

"That was terribly offensive." Alex said. "What's something that's red and bad for your teeth?"

"What?"

"A brick."

Jack tried to hide his cringe but failed. Moments later, Billie Joe, Rian, and Zack came through the door with Pete and Patrick. The audience cheered as Pete and Patrick took their spots at the podiums. 

"Okay everybody, settle down." Zack said into the microphone. "It is now time for the final round of the Brutal Insult Wars. The moment you've all been waiting for. This is a huge deal. Patrick Stump vs. Pete Wentz. I wonder how this will go down."

"Who's ready..." Alex said, getting the crowd pumped up. "For the final round of the 2019 BRUTAL INSULT WARS?!"

The audience was wild, throwing things and screaming. Billie Joe had to calm a few people down but after two minutes, they were ready to start the round.

 Patrick looked at Pete over the podium. They made eye contact. Patrick was shaking. What if Pete had been lying to him? (After all, lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. Pete wasn't a girl but it's essentially the same point.) What if Pete had told Patrick that plan to trick him. So Patrick will make a fool out of himself and say some dumb song lyrics while Pete will bust out with a winning insult. Patrick would be eliminated instantly while Pete was crowned Champion.

Patrick stared at the floor, nervously. He had to trust Pete. He hoped that Pete would never do that. He wouldn't, right? He wouldn't lie to win, right? Right? Patrick felt overwhelmed. Should he follow through with the plan or go his own route to avoid losing?

The round began too soon and sure enough, he was faced with a hard decision. As much as it scared him, he chose to trust Pete. He counted down to fifteen in his head like he and Pete agreed to do and closed his eyes before singing the song they picked.

"Baby, baby, baby oh. Like baby, baby, baby no." Patrick said. He realized halfway through his line that Pete had followed. It worked. Pete had told the truth. They were going down together after all.

A whistle was blown. Rian called out some error number and explained that they picked an illegal song. The round was over. But who was to win?

"Hmmm, this has never happened before." Alex said, puzzled.

Nobody noticed but Billie Joe sat in the corner on his stool, back stick straight and his face a sickly pale white color.

"I wonder what we should do." Zack said.

"We've never had two people get out on the same round before." Alex said. "Should we start over?"

"If only somebody would tell us what to do." Jack said, hinting for Billie Joe to step in.

Billie Joe, still unnoticed, turned even paler.

Alex coughed "Hey Billie. What do we do? Start the round over? Declare a tie? They both lose?"

Billie Joe stared straight ahead. He was unable to listen to them. All color in his face had drained.

"Y-you okay there?" Jack asked.

"The challenge..." Billie Joe mumbled incoherently.

"What?"

"They lost." Billie Joe said, feeling dizzy. How could this happen?

"Yeah we know. Both of them lost. Should we start over?" Rian asked.

"No. Not that. Their challenge. The reason they're here. They lost the third challenge. There was no winner to the final round. Therefore, they failed the challenge." he said, still mumbling in a trance.

The castaways had their full attention on Billie Joe, hoping they were wrong about what they thought what was about to happen. Billie Joe shook his head and then his speech came in normally.

"You guys, I- I'm so sorry. The Brutal Insult War was the last task of your three tasks to get off the island. There was no winner. You lost the challenge. I'm sorry. The agreement is over. I can't help you get off the island. I have to take away the house. I have to take away everything. You need to find your own way off this island. You lost."