(y/n) - your name

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I groan out as a feel a sudden cold shiver travel down my body, shifting forward to be in Levi's warmth when even his spot was just as cold. I open my eyes and see the bed empty besides just me, the blankets on Levi's side even untouched.

This is the third time now...

I sigh out, peering at the bedroom door that was ajar a slight bit, a warm glow wisping through the open gaps.

He's up again?

I look out the window to see that it was still dark and I carefully get out of bed to avoid making any noises. I peer through the doorway gap and see Levi at his desk with a stack of papers and a candle. His shoulders were slumped as he leaned over his work, eyes dull and droopy as he scribbled across the papers.

"Levi." I mumble out and he freezes, looking up to see me awake.

"(Y/n), did I wake you?" I shake my head and frown.

"Come back to bed. You look exhausted." Levi sighs out, leaning back in his chair as his eyes flit over his paperwork. "Please. I'm pretty cold without you." I blush at the last sentence and I see a twinge if a smile on Levi's lips as he nods, blowing out his candle and getting out oh his seat.

"Let's go back to bed." Levi walks over to me rubs my arms, whispering against my hair as he led me back to bed. I lay down and bury my head in the pillow as Levi changed into pjs behind me. I feel the bed dip and arms wrap around my waist to tug me back. I turn around in Levi's arms and snuggle up to his chest, laying my head on his chest as Levi pulled one of my legs over his waist. "You're so cold." Levi pulls me as close as possible, resting his chin on top of my head.

"What are you working up this late again? You know I'll help you to get it done." I yawn out and Levi just smoothed my hair.

"It's just a project and you don't need to help me with it." Levi mumbles out softly as I barely hear his words, falling asleep quicker in his warmth.

"It'll be quicker..."

"I know." I hear Levi chuckle as I rub my face in his chest before falling asleep. "Goodnight (y/n)..."

"Levi!" I yell out as I slam the door open, greeted with silence when I see his office empty. "Oh. Maybe he went to a meeting?" I shrug and flop onto the couch to rest for a bit. Hanji had me help her to clean her office and her lab before Levi could berate her for the mess. It was amusing to see different creations she was working on or just gave up on but I was not thrilled about the different spills and crusty look messes around on the walls or floor. 

Don't get me started on the orange sludge that looked like it was alive.

I shudder and sit up on the couch, laying my head back. I looked around the office, it was so quiet.

I hate it.

I could hear words running around in my head and I sighed out, trying to make them shut up. My eyes land on Levi's desk and my mind wanders back to Hanji when she showed me what was in her drawers. She had a cute image of her, Levi and Erwin in a frame, some notes and notebooks along with random nicknacks.

I wonder if Levi has anything in his drawers...

I walk over to his desk and sit on his seat, spinning around once before stopping myself and looking at the drawers. I open the first one, a smile spreading on my face as I see my album that I had gifted Levi for his birthday sitting there.

It still looked new.

He must be looking after it.

I take out the album, suddenly feeling reminiscent. I slowly turn the page, looking at the group photo of all of us in the mess hall. Everyone looked so happy with their big smiles on their faces, even Erwin was beaming. I carefully traced the image, wishing I could go back in time. I turn the page again, seeing the images of Kuchel.

"I wish you were here Kuchel so he'd know how much you love him. I wish he knew how much I love him, how much everyone loves him." I mumble out, suddenly feeling teary. I hold them back and scoffing at myself at how sentimental I was becoming. I chuckle softly seeing the images of Isabel and Farlan with a grumpy looking Levi. The other two was all cheeky and beaming.

I flicked through more of the pages with the other characters and decided to put the album back in its place when I see some writing. The rest of the album was filled with chapters of daily logs, memories and mindless writing like someone was trying to write down their life story. I read from the beginning and realised it was Levi writing the story as it mentioned what he could remember since his mother's death and meeting Kenny.

I shouldn't read this.

While closing it, a loose page slipped out and fluttered to the floor. "Shit-" I quickly drop down to grab it, picking it up but freezing in my spot.

What?

My eyes widen at the drawn portrait in my hands, my heart racing at the intricate lines that formed, well, me. "Did Levi draw this?" I kneel down, holding the paper in my shaky hands. It was of the day at the picnic after we cut the cake. It had suddenly become windy and I held onto my hat that I stole back from Levi. The image had me drawn with a soft smile, eyes closed as I held my hat and my dress and hair flying from the wind.

Does he really see me like this?

I breathe out shakily, suddenly feeling so loved for the first time ever. I hug the image carefully before slipping it back into the album and putting it back in the drawer. I let out a shaky breath, just trying to calm my emotions as I sit back up onto Levi's seat.

Let's see the bottom drawer.

My hand hovers over the handle and I'm suddenly swamped in a sick and devasting feeling. I slowly open the drawer and I feel the air around me turn cold. Badges. So many cut out scout badges from their coats...

I sink down to the ground, peering into the drawer that was filled to the brim, most still having dark stains of dried blood. My shaky hand leans over to grab a badge, despair crashing into me at the amount of lives that were still lost. I turn the badge and I burst out crying.

Isabel Magnolia

Isabel's name was messily stitched into the back and I took out another badge from the drawer.

Farlen Church

"Levi..." I stutter out, looking at the hand sown names and I'm wracked with guilt.

He's still hurting, after all these years of course he's still hurting.

Carrying all this death and loss on his shoulders.

"I'm sorry." I hug the badges, begging that they could come back alive.

You didn't deserve any of this...

I quickly put the badges back in the drawer and quickly close it when I heard footsteps from outside the door. "(y/n)?" Before I could disappear, Levi opens the door with some papers in his arms and he looks over at me with a frown.

"Hey Levi." I sniffle out, turning around to wipe my tears away.

"Why are you crying?" Levi walks over quickly with a worried look in his eyes and setting his papers down on his desk.

"I-It's nothing. I helped Hanji clean and I guess I reacted to some chemicals." I quickly sputter out the lie and I feel Levi move my hands away from my face before wiping my tears away with his thumbs.

"Four eyes was supposed to clean herself." Levi hisses out lowly and I shake my head.

"It's ok. I'm ok." Levi purses his lips, almost as if he didn't believe me but slowly nods. "Can I hug you?" Levi blinks in surprise at my request as he sits down on his seat. The tips of his ears turn pink as he slowly nods and I sit down on his lap before burning my face on his shoulder.

"Are you sure you're ok? You're acting... weirder than usual." I nod, wrapping my arms around his neck as Levi scooted closer to his desk. He wraps an arm around me, pulling me close and I'm grateful for the safe feeling in his arms. I tear up again, thinking about the badges as I stared at the drawer, Levi going back to do his work.

"Levi..." He hums in response, his pen scratching away at the paper. "Are you happy?" The scratching stops and Levi moves back to look at me.

"What are you on about-"

"Are you happy? Are you still... hurting..." I mumble out and I keep my head bowed, feeling like I failed him.

"(y/n), look at me." I slowly look up at Levi, a small smile on his face as he caressed my cheek. "Where is this coming from?"

"I... I need to know if you're ok Levi. I need to know if-"

"-Of course I'm happy." I freeze as Levi holds my face in his hands. "You make me happy."

"But-"

"-I know that being happy is a luxury in this world that is constantly filled with pain and anguish. I know that every time we go out into that world, I risk myself going through the pain of seeing people around me die." Levi takes in a deep breath, like he's trying to sort through his thoughts.

"I believed that being happy was futile, a waste of time in this filthy world. The underground has that drilled in your head constantly. But when..." Levi sighs and I know who he was going to talk about. "But I started learning how to be happy with Isabel and Farlan and when they..." I shake my head and Levi knows that he doesn't have to keep going but he does. "Everyone is hurting (y/n), everyone will be in pain but we have the choice to let that diminish our chances of being happy or not."

"For the longest time, I believed that I didn't deserve to be happy. I had blood soak my hands (y/n). I had to keep my emotions buried for years but when you came, you made me feel again."

"Levi..." I tear up again.

"You helped me enjoy life like I never have before. I was willing to go through each day fighting until the day it's over but with you, I'm fighting to survive and be happy." Levi leans his forehead on mine as I cried softly, feeling overwhelmed. "You fight for everyone to stay alive and I want to do the same... for you... You make me happy (y/n)."

"Why..." I stutter out and Levi kisses my tears away.

"You make me want to live." Levi leans back, smiling softly at me and I just wept. I jump onto him and hug him tightly as he patted my back. "Are you going to tell me why you asked all that?" I shake my head, gripping him tight and I hear Levi sigh out as I peeked over at the drawers one last time. "Just get some rest."