Read chapter sixteen first.

Meher's POV,
Everyday is the same routine. Going to college, coming back, freshnup, eat a little, wash the dishes, help with lunch, wash another pile of dishes, broom the kitchen, homework, pray, eat, make tea, wash dishes, wash and dry clothes, help with dinner, clean a little, eat, pray and go to sleep. All the while listening to Mumma's complaining thought.

Guess, this mundane life was coming to an end.

I was washing dishes after our snack while Mumma was getting ready to go outside.
"Mumma, listen na."

"Hm. Speak quickly. There are no vegetables in the house so I'm going to the market. Mazhar will be returning day after tomorrow so I'll also be buying some mutton. I'll bring food from outside today if I'm late." She informed. Meaning I'll be all alone at home. Perfect.

"I wanted to ask, why did you all got me and Azlaan married when we didn't even understood anything?" I questioned casually while washing the plates.

"What do you mean? You're still too stupid to understand anything. Marriage is Sunnah but no one would marry someone like you even after you grew up. We're your parents and we know well. So stop talking nonsense and continue your work." She scolded like always.

"Ah.... that's why! Thankyou for reminding me." I smiled.

She slapped my back.
"Stop day dreaming and wash and dry them all. I'm going to the market."

I giggled.
"Ok ok... Be careful there."

"Huh! Teaching your mother to be careful!" She went out mumbling.

"I love you!" I called out.

"Huh? Shut up you English medium sparrow." She was kinda embarrassed I can tell.

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Azlaan's POV,
I parked my car outside the gate of the Qadri house and without thinking stormed right in.

"MEHER! MEHER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!"

I slammed open her bedroom door and found her sitting on the floor while leaning to the wall with the window above. The curtain was flying beside her coming between is at times while she gaped at me horrified and there was that blade in her right hand again.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

My voice bombarded throughout the room and I slapped her hand making the razor fly away.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?! Answer me you idiot!"

She said nothing and just looked on her hand silently. I roughly pulled her left arm to me getting on my knees in front of her and when I pulled up her sleeve to reveal her arm, I almost gagged. Her whole forearm was cut up like a piece of fish.

"That's disgusting! What have yo...." My eyes widened as all of a sudden she grabbed my nape and slammed her lips on mine sucking at my lower lip. I gulped pushing her back and slapped her right across her face.

"What the Fuck are you doing?!" I yelled jumping on my feet while wiping my mouth. My heart was thumping in my chest for some reason and she just stayed like that with her red face to the side with the impact.

"I can again taste her lipstick on your lips. Does she taste that good to you? Like a forbidden fruit...." She turned her head slowly looking up at me and that dead look in her eyes gave me the chills.
"You were with her before coming here, weren't you? With Kashish?" Even the tone of her voice was different...lifeless, you could call it.

"So? It's none of your concern." I snapped.

She half smiled.
"I'm your wife, still I don't have the right to even kiss you, but she can....say, Do you want to make love to me right now? I promise I won't scream this time and be a good wife... what's say? Should I strip for you?"

She began to remove her jacket with that dead look in her eyes and I slapped her again.
"Snap out of it Meher! Are you on drugs or something?!"

She was laughing like a psychopath.
"I've waited 10 years for you Azlaan. Day and night, I've waited for atleast a phonecall or even a letter to know about you. I prayed for you in my every prayer.... I've loved you all my life. You're my husband after all, the Prince Charming of my dreams and I was your Cindrella. Or so I thought. You know, I used to dream about you all the time. A hopeless romantic you can say and I wished that one day you would come and take me away on a white horse and we'd always be happy together. You and me." She said in her own daze as a single tear slipped down her eye.

"Huh! That's a kids dream...."

She nodded.
"I know right! I was soo naive, but the truth didn't change, I do love you."

At this I laughed.
"That's your problem Meher, not mine. Have you ever introspected yourself?! Why would anyone even love you? Tell me one good thing about you, huh. You're stupid, ugly, your body has nothing attractive about it. You're overly sensitive and soo dumb that anyone can manipulate you. You don't even know how to talk to people and always walk around with your head low like a scared little rabbit. What do you think, people might pity you and become your friends...just like that Imraan. That guy doesn't care about you one bit, he only hangs around you because he pities your pathetic existence. Wanna know about his records? He was always top of the class, winning every competition and award whether it be sports or academics. Why would such a guy show any interest in you? Have you ever thought about it?
Heck! Your own mother despises you, and why was that again?
Ah right, because you killed her son."

Hearing that she looked up at me with horror replacing the lifelessness in her eyes. I smirked.
"Your mother was pregnant with twins during your time, right? A girl and a boy. However...the boy was still born while you survived as your umbilical cord was strangled around the baby boy's neck, hence killing him inside her womb. Ha! Meher, you're even a murderer by birth. Stealing someone else's life. Your mother never even wanted a daughter but she even lost her son and had to go through the pain to bring you.
Even your own mother hates you for such a stupid reason, how can you be soo stupid enough to think someone else can. Even your bestfriend has found a lot better friends than you, so you won't drag her down anymore.
And....how can I forget your dear brother? Such a smart, intellectual and handsome fellow. A polar opposite to you. Are you sure you two are even siblings? You think he cares about you? Nah! He just feels obligated because he's stuck with you as his sister. And your father, an old hard working man. He must really consider you as a burden, that's why he decided to marry you off when you were only 9. I pity him for having a daughter like you.
Know your place Meher and it's below everyone's shoes.

No one can love you Meher Qadri.... because you don't deserve it. Get it through your thick skull. And whatever you're trying to prove by cutting yourself or trying to gain attention....just stop it!
Because....no matter what happens to you ...no one cares!"

She was silent throughout and even then for a few seconds until she looked up at me and that smile breaking through her blood shot and tear filled eyes which still held some kind of satisfaction in it, made me shudder. She seemed inhuman.
"Thankyou soo much Azlaan." She said looking straight into my eyes.

"Stop smiling soo creepy, you weirdo." I yelled at her face but she wouldn't stop smiling so I just turned to my heels.

#####
Meher's POV,
After saying all that, he just turned away and left me all alone again. Even though growing up mostly alone, I was still not used to the silence and loneliness. Ironic, isn't it?

I let out a deep sigh as I laid my head back on the wall. Even though the loneliness pricked me everytime, yet today, it was soo peaceful. I just wanted to stay like this forever. Alone in my own world where no one could see me or hear my cries. No one could judge me, hate me, laugh at me...no one could touch me or pity me....no one would care.

I closed my eyes as my hot tears trickled down my cheeks. I winced as it sting where he hit me. I don't blame him though. Anyone would hate a person like me. I say this to myself everytime and even now, a perfect man like him deserves someone equally perfect and not a messed up girl like me.

Urgh! I'm really soo tired of crying!!! Please just someone... anyone.... please....take it away.

I punched my chest at that unbearable pain trying the vain attempt to stop it somehow.

I don't want this.... I know I'm undeserving and hopeless but, why is it my fault? I tried damn it! I tried soo hard to change soo many times but the truth is.... I'm scared of changing myself.

I know there are a lot of people in this world with even worst problems in life for them. Compared to them, my pain and my problems are nothing yet, I just can't help it. I want to cry to and just for once, I want to blame someone else accept for myself. Such a selfish thought, isn't it?

To be honest, I'm grateful for Azlaan saying all that and showing me the mirror. I just needed a push to get me out of my delusions that perhaps, my life was worth something and I just got that push. I don't have any hope left in me anymore and I've truly realised how useless I am for this world. People like me don't deserve to roam around as a burden on this land.

Why would anyone want me....why would anyone love me? I'm short, ugly, stupid, dumb, awkward, I cannot even talk to people or even make eye contact with them. I'm not good in studies or sports. No one likes me and are always judging me. I can't make friends. I can't be like others and I just don't fit in. I'm always alone. People feel it's degrading to even stand next to me. I have no dressing sense and
I'm a scaredy cat. I'm soo naive that everyone takes advantage of me. I have no sense of direction or humour like those other girls even for anyone to be fond of me. I bore people so they leave me behind. I'm always..... always left behind.
The people I thought I knew one day, are soo indifferent to me the other day. I'm soo pathetic.

I Hate Myself!

No one would want to accept me the way I am. Why would they? I'd only be an embarrassment to them and no one wants to be embarrassed in front of others, right?

Even if I die, no one would care. They might cry for a few days but they'll be happy that a load's off the earth for good. I guess people might even laugh at my funeral remembering what a joke I was.

Azlaan will be soo happy to have gotten rid of me. Even Rubeena aunty and Mumma. Oh, it might be a dream come true for her. She didn't even wanted me after all. Daddy won't even have to waste his hard earned money on a useless baggage like me that has no return value to him.

And bhai? Yes, he might be upset for a while but he'll forget me soon enough. He has even found a job now, soon he'll get married, have kids, buy a new house and be too happy to remember his pathetic little sister. I wish I could just meet him once and say goodbye like I did to everyone else today.

And Zoya, she's happy without me and I'm happy for her. But still, I can't stop myself from being jealous seeing her with others. I'm such a bad friend.

Imraan.... whenever I close my eyes thinking about him, I can always see his smiling face. The compassion and kindness in his eyes for me. Maybe because, he's just that kind of a person. He must be like that with soo many people, I'm no one special but I was living in the delusions that, perhaps I was someone a bit special to him but boy! Was I wrong!

A loser like me being special to someone soo extraordinary like him? Bullshit! However, he became someone special to me....so special that, my heart always skips a beat even when I'm thinking about him.

My heart wavers when he's around and that is sinful for a married girl like me.
I needed a reason to hold on to and I thought you might be that reason Imraan, but I was soo delusional. So silly and stupid. I've always been an hopeless romantic all my life yet no one wanted me. How disgusting I am!

It must be soo embarassing to even be seen around me. Yet he used to hang around me because he has a kind heart. But, he'll be free of that obligation from tomorrow. I'm glad, atleast one good thing I'd be doing for him. He'd be happy too.... being free of me.

I crawled up to the rasor flown to the side with the remaining strength I had and picked it up between my shaking fingers. Lifting my left arm, I looked down at the dark blue veins bulging under my pale wrist.

The distance had finally ended and it was finally time for me to be free. I smiled and kissed over my wrist.

Just one last time Meher. Then you'll be free.

Even though I was ready, my hands were still shaking.

Someone please stop me!

I need to let go.

Please don't!

It won't hurt much.

I'm scared.

There's no point in continuing with my worthless life.

Save me someone!!! Please....

I shook my head pushing away all those scared thoughts and placed the tip of the blade over the vein. I could feel it bulging.

A slight cut won't do.... it has to be deeper.... way.... way deeper so that it could even reach my broken soul. I swallowed pressing the triangular tip inside my flesh as blood spurted out of the puncture. A quarter of the blade had disappeared inside my wrist. My heart was pounding and my will weakening but I was already past the point from where there was no return.

There's no need to go back.

The voice in my head whispered twitching my lips into a smile. Warm tears silently slipped down my cheeks, down my chin.
So, I clenched my jaw, slowly pulling the razor in a deep line seeing my crimson blood splatter over my arm. A scream escaped my mouth as the pain was nothing like before. It made my whole body tremble and the stream of blood flowed continues....more and more.

I felt dizzy.

But it wasn't enough, was it?

The strength was leaving my body so I had to be quick. It should be quick even if it's painful. So, gathering my strength and shifting the blade this time between the fingers of my left hand I placed the sharp edge of it over my right wrist trying to control the shaking and the cringing of my body. I closed my eyes tight.

"Ahhhh!"

My body was cold but my blood was soo warm.

Done! It was done! Now all I had to do was lay down and just rest. As I laid on the floor leaning to the wall with both my slitted wrist together, I watched the blood flowing away on the light green tiles.

Oops! Mumma will be mad seeing I stained her tiles.
Ah, but look, my blood is soo pretty. Atleast, the colour is. I wish I knew how to paint well. I could've painted a pretty rose with it. Or Maybe a heart. Eww, that would be soo cringey.
Who would I have given that picture to by the way?

Haha, who would even want it!

Maybe I should've written some kind of note.

Who would even read it though?

However, the wall beside me was like a perfect blank canvas.

I couldn't feel my legs anymore.

Everyone will be soo happy after I'm gone. Maybe they wouldn't even care to be even happy. Especially Azlaan. He'll be free of this marriage. I'm glad. Perhaps, my existence or my absence will have no effect on anyone.

I was nothing afterall.

My breathing was getting shallow and I was soo tired, even my eyelids were heavy. So, I said the Shahada in the hope of having my sins forgiven and soon....

Darkness consumed me.

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Assalamualaikum Everyone!

On the scale of 1-10 how emotional was this chapter?
Did it meet your expectations?

Ok sorry. I know midnight is not a good time to update such kinda chapter. My bad!
But remember that this is just a story and nothing is really and go to sleep.

Also, I can write a long rant on how suicide is not the choice and how terrible it is to end one's life but I want your opinions on this matter because I'm sure my readers can explain it much better.

Almost everyone of us has been or is going through such a stage when we doubt ourselves or find ourselves all alone. But always remember, Allah is always watching and listening to you. You're never truly alone. If you feel like talking to someone and can find no one to hear you. Talk to the Lord above and pray to him for ease.
Every life is important because if it wasn't, won't we all be already dead?

But, suicide is NEVER THE OPTION!

Next chapter on Tuesday.