Hey guys! Hope you're all safe and well during this coronavirus time.

I took it upon myself to do some minor edits and changes in this story while leaving some largely problematic plot lines, and I thought I would use this as a teaching moment regarding my mistakes as a creator and being accountable for some of the things I've written in this story in particular.

First, this is not meant to be some sort of self-flagellating, canceling myself, feel so bad for me type thing, nor it is a here's a pat on the back for addressing it, unproblematic queen type thing. I wrote this story when I was a very new writer in middle school figuring out what themes I enjoyed exploring and what really drew me as an artist. I know a lot of people reading this story feel that Sherlock and John understood how they were feeling and that includes myself. I was also adapting from two inherently problematic texts. This STILL does not exempt me from writing responsibly, especially since tens of thousands of people have seen my work.

To reiterate, this is not just an apology, although I am very sorry for these aspects of the story. I think S&J had and has a very real impact on people feeling seen and heard, especially LGBT people who often felt shamed, disowned and abused by their families. I want to walk you through some mistakes I made to inform people who have read this how I would now retell this story, where I dropped the ball, as well as opening a dialogue about how I/others can write responsibly.

To get into specifics, I want people to understand that this is not a nuanced realistic look into abuse & mental illness.

I want to start with abuse. In this story, I discussed physical, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse, as well as domestic violence and sexual abuse against minors. I was far too loose and fast with the abuse scenes in this story. I personally really disliked, in the first draft, the flowery language during abuse and often overlong abuse scenes. Yes, physical/sexual/verbal abuse does happen. Yes, it is important to depict the seriousness and depth of harm it does to ones' psyche. When I was rereading, I often felt like I was watching a drawn out scene in a horror movie. Abuse is terrifying and it's harmful, but I don't want to depict scenes that elicit disgust towards the character that's being abused. And I don't want the power of my words to go towards the abuse and by extension, the abuser, rather, I want the person who is being abused to have dignity, and illustrate the ways in which they STILL have that dignity, although they may feel their abuser has taken it from them.

I have edited the scenes slightly as to make them shorter and not as romanticized, but all the scenes remain for you to read. Please read them having this in mind.

Next, mental illness. Comorbidities in mental illness happen all the time - you'll often be diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, or depression and anxiety, or depression and anorexia and bulimia, and so on. However, Sherlock's mental illnesses were not always well handled and left a lot to be desired upon second reading. In particular, I thought his suicide attempt(s) were overlong, dramatized, and strangely focused around John and how John felt about him instead of how Sherlock felt about himself. I never gave Sherlock or John options to get help, although there are many ways to reach out, creating the impression that depression and suicidal ideation is a death sentence. It is not. Talk to a school counselor, therapist, or just someone you trust if you're dealing with mental health issues.

As a kid, I thought throwing them all at the wall would infuse my art with more interest. I used mental illness and abuse as a plot point without researching them thoroughly and I think it's to the detriment of my readers and the story. I want to be proud of what I have written and posted and I want anyone (but especially teens) reading this to know what is and isn't acceptable.

Third, racism, ableism. In a previous draft, I wrote a line of dialogue for John that was supposed to represent his class difference and uncouth personality, but really was just racist and upsetting to read. My excuse at the time was that I was part of the group he was being racist towards, and it wasn't ME saying it, it was John. My response now: DON'T MAKE YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS RACIST AND NEVER ADDRESS IT. Other characters had similar issues with ableism which was a result of my ignorance at the time.

Fourth, sexism. I want girls and femmes, in particular, reading this to know that how I depicted Harry, John's sister, was not always fair or appropriate. I was victim-blaming towards her and didn't highlight how the cycle of abuse can cause you to feel you need or even love your abuser.

Harry's father and mother abandoned her as she went into high school because they prioritized their needs over hers, she was constantly sexualized by her peers and by older men in the story, and as a result, developed hypersexuality as well as alcohol and drug dependence. These things can happen when you are neglected by your caregivers; you develop your own defense mechanisms and are often desperate for the approval of your authority figure or attachment object. In this case, it was Pickard. In the original draft of the book, I set Harry up as a frivolous girl that prioritized her sexuality over everything, without expounding upon this needed nuance. There was a line I wrote where Harry claimed she would sleep with Pickard - it was meant to underline how distorted and abusive John's family life was, but without highlighting how these words are a result of Pickard's consistent, severe manipulation, these moments come off as exploitative and flat. Again, I'm extremely sorry. Anyone who felt like they were a bad or disgusting person while reading for loving their abuser or feeling attracted to their abuser because of the manipulation that THEIR ABUSER put on them, I am deeply, deeply sorry and I promise to do better in the future. I want to support abuse survivors and victims, both in my writing and in my life.

I've edited these scenes while leaving most of the content. Keep this in mind while reading.

I'm going to speak on something pretty personal to me at this point, because Sherlock is for better or worse a character I wrote, and because it's my shit to share. I was rereading thinking that I would get through it quickly, edit what I needed to edit and write this up. I was surprised when while reading "chap 40 - inevitable" that I was getting some unwelcome flashbacks to the relationships I had during the writing of Sherlock and John.

The dynamics you see in the story don't exist in a vacuum. This is to say that I was writing what I knew. I didn't have healthy role models relationally, sexually, emotionally. The people I chose to be closest to me at the time had some really serious untreated mental health issues which informed the writing of the text. I was constantly in damage control, trying to manage my loved ones' emotions, while also suppressing and internalizing my needs as secondary.

"You also won't accept my help, will you?" John said in agitation.

"Probably not," Sherlock almost laughed, and John felt his heart sink into his abdomen.

"Then why did you even call?" John said, angrily clenching his hands into his pillows. "Why are you even speaking to me?"

"Don't be angry," Sherlock scoffed quietly. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"No," John hissed, "no. You just wanted to tell me you were suicidal, and then tell me I'm just going to have to watch you burn."

When Sherlock didn't respond, John wasn't sure if he'd crossed a line or If he'd breached a wall; the silence was mesmerizing and tortured, and John wanted to break it with words he couldn't say.

"What am I supposed to do, Sherlock? Tell me."

"You're supposed to let me go, John."

He ground his teeth. "You talked to me, first," John whispered angrily. "You told me that you were this way. You don't want me to let go, and I don't want to let go, either, Sherlock, fuck! Fuckfuckfuck!"

This, in particular, was difficult to read because I would have this conversation again and again and again.

I know so many beautiful people who have mental health issues in relationships, and they give as much as they take. The issue is not their depression and symptoms, the issue is that emotionally abusive people do not have the skills to deal with symptoms in a way that doesn't harm others. And if you are this person, please forgive yourself and seek help with the issues you are facing because you deserve that. 

In the first draft, I wrote these scenes like they were okay and acceptable, maybe even admirable. I thought it was romantic that John was always ready to pick up Sherlock's pieces at the drop of a hat. What Sherlock is doing is emotional abuse and what John is doing is enabling. It's codependency; it's not okay or acceptable.

Lastly, I wanna quickly outline some things there were with individual characters or plot lines that I haven't already covered.

Pickard: Pickard is an alcoholic and the story had him shutting his alcoholism on and off like a tap. It's the writing choice of a 14-year-old girl, I'll say that.

Siger: Siger is where I really was frustrated with my character writing. He is also an alcoholic in the book. He also seems to have the magical power to conceal his alcoholism from the closest person in his life: his wife. It never affects their relationship in the original draft. He never suffers at work or with his in-laws. This was bad and I added some context while removing some awkward characterological choices. He had the potential to be a nuanced, well-developed character but just wasn't.

Violet: Violet is an extremely befuddling character. It makes no sense that she, an alcoholic that met her husband in AA, would not know if her husband was drinking again. And then to that point, it does not make sense that she would watch Siger verbally abuse her son and do nothing about it, if she was the amazing mother that I wrote her to be. The original draft also had her aware that Pickard was a sexual predator and she did nothing about it. My intent was not to have her be an enabler of child abuse, but the end result, unfortunately, lands her there.

John: John is not the perfect boyfriend; the first draft may have subtly communicated his martyrdom to be a good thing. He repeatedly pressures, not encourages, Sherlock to talk about his trauma. He tries to force him to eat when he has an eating disorder. He thinks Sherlock can "just stop" doing drugs. He never called authorities or alerted adults at school when Sherlock threatened to kill himself multiple times. He is judgmental towards Sherlock's depression and drug use while also enabling it through inaction. These could have been character flaws, but the first draft never chose to show them that way.

Major: Major was an extremely small character, but in the first draft he was the school counselor that knew about Siger's physical abuse of Sherlock. He does nothing and was weird, so I cut him out because that's not really how school counselors work.

Mycroft: Mycroft also has a lot of the same issues John has. He's very judgmental and unhelpful and I never quite knew what to do with him.

Sherlock: Sherlock, while being a tragic and relatable hero, is not someone to model behavior after. I don't think that was implied, but I want to highlight that whatever mental illness a person may have, it doesn't define them. All your creativity is in your health, and creating rituals of joy, self care and emotional regulation is key to relief, and eventually, happiness. We read these stories to empathize, to realize we aren't alone in our suffering, and then to realize that while these characters' fates are sealed, ours are still very much in our power.

Anyway, this was long, but I hope you guys see where I've made some mistakes and how you can view my work critically through that lens. It was important that I made this and I'm welcoming a dialogue in the comments (no bullying me or others though!) I love you all. Have a safe rest of 2020!