Type: Songfic [ Out Loud by Gabbie Hanna ]

Pairing: Jim Moriarty x Reader

Warnings: Mention of Suicide, Graphic Descriptions, Self Harm, seriously this is dark, smoking, heavy drinking, also disclaimer I had a majority of this written before her music video so don't be accusin me of stealin' her plot I got the google doc to prove it

Requested by @esmearnold

I still taste your presence

To Jim Moriarty, love was complete and utter bullshit.

The thought that a single could kiss could make you see stars or the idea of someone's touch causing your world to become so much more vibrant or how their very presence made you feel more alive was all a lie that deserved to be stuffed into the pages of a book sitting on a middle-aged woman's bookshelf, full of hopeless romantic dreams that would never come true.

Lusting, craving, needing. Not a single one of those words could be used to describe another person unless you lived in a fantasy sold by Hallmark movies.

The idea of love was completely ludicrous, and he hated it.

At least until he met her, and all the things he thought belonged in the pages of a sickening novel became so real.

Once  sweet but it turned sour

Soft snores earned the maniac's attention as he turns his head ever so slightly to find his lover curled up in a ball, her chest slowly rising and falling as she lays just beyond his reach. 

"(Your Name)" He murmurs, two (eye color) gems slowly blink back at him, a yawn escaping those perfectly kissable lips.

He slowly reaches forward and touches her arm,  smile threating to form as she glares at him like a cat woken up from it's nap.

The moonlight filters through the blinds, cutting through the darkness that surrounds them and illuminates her perfect figure.

He reaches and his fingertips brush her arm, frowning when he feels her ice-cold skin. He grabs the blanket and pulls it over her, she smiles as all her frustration seems to disappear. Her arm extends, fingertips brush his cheek. His eyes widen as he feels the bitter cold once again, catching a glimpse of the long crimson scar weaving down her arm. He sits up, her hair is drenched and soaking into the pillow. 

"wake up darling." She murmurs.

I hear you in the quiet, I see you when I'm in the dark

He blinks, only to open his eyes and find the side of the bed empty. He takes a shaky breath, slowly reaching over and pulling a cord, the light of his lamp flooding the room as he touches the pillow beside him.

Dry.

Just as he fears, he's alone.

He manages a shaking breath as he pushes back covers and swings his legs over the side of the bed, he shudders as he feels her breath down his neck and for a fraction of a second he feels her arms around him. If he listens close enough he can her voice attempting to coax him back into bed. He turns and is met by air, pushing himself onto shaking legs he walks across his broken bottle littered floor, jagged scars cover pale flesh from where he'd forgotten to watch his step. His mind is plagued with images of the woman who had shown him that it wasn't that he didn't believe in love but rather that he was afraid of it.

He had given her his heart, mind, body, and soul despite his fears and now here he was, alone wandering an empty house.

You just couldn't fight for this but it's not your fault

He wanders into the kitchen, grabbing a box of cigarettes from the counter and striking up his lighter as he wonders how he could have been so dumb, so oblivious to the fact that she was struggling. With her mum passing and her best friend being caught in a crossfire, well, he should have been there for her instead of in the United States planning an assassination.

He ignites the death stick between his lips.

It's a mistake that he knows he will never forgive himself for.

As smoke escapes his lips and curls into the air, he takes in the kitchen before him. The scene is the same as it had been that morning, with two plates still sitting on the table. A book and a scarcely touched coffee mug and open book sat on her side. He felt his heart ache at the thought of the words on that page being the last she'd ever read. 

Say what you mean loud, drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd

He blinks and there she is, fingers threaded through her hair as her eyes are locked on the page as she immerses herself in the fictional world. Her other hand wraps around the coffee mug, but she's clearly too invested in the story to care. One leg dangles from the chair as she sits on the other, dressed in nothing but a black bra and matching underwear, black fabric wrapped around her and slipping down her shoulder. Her foot swings to inaudible music playing in her mind, a slight hum escaping her lips.

She looks up from her book as he releases another cloud of smoke into the air. "You really shouldn't smoke."

Her expression is the stubborn disapproving one she's given him so many times before and he leans against the counter. "Why do you care? You're dead."

He puts it out anyway.

"Doesn't mean you need to be as well." She sighs.

"If it wasn't for you I wouldn't need it." He mutters bitterly.

"You can't live like this." She stands, looking over at him with a sad expression that makes him want nothing more than to kiss it away. 

"I wouldn't have to if you didn't leave me alone." He whispers brokenly, he blinks and she's gone. 

'Cause every sweet thing you never speak it's deafening never knowing what could be

He turns as he hears a buzz, finding his phone glowing in the darkness. Sebastian's name flashes across the screen but he doesn't see it as his attention is directed at the ring box sitting beside it. 

The lump that has taken home in his throat makes itself apparent once again as he slowly picks up the box and opens it, revealing a glittering diamond ring. Suddenly she's sitting on the counter in front of him, the ring on the hand she holds in front of her face. "It's beautiful!"

She gives him one of those smiles that light up a room. A dazzling, beautiful smile for a beautiful girl.

He waves the image away, a sigh leaving his lips as he leans forward and plants his elbows on the counter. He runs his hands through his hair and closes his eyes for a moment.

It was a mistake

He can still see her, her image so vibrant and clear, and so fucking beautiful.

He feels a piece of his heart chip away with every hallucination.

Wish I could show you how but you're just a ghost now

He grabs a bottle of whiskey he left on the counter and stumbles to the door, unable to stay inside the four walls she currently haunts. The sound of thunder rumbles but he couldn't be bothered to give a damn as he ventures outside. 

With every step, he hears whispers.

He hears her whispering, begging for him to come home.

Pavement crunches underneath his feet as he walks and walks down a dark street, lamps lighting the path. The house was oddly in the center of many others, neighbors surrounding them. Of course, the government had no evidence connecting him to any of his crimes, therefore, making him a free man.

A person of interest, but still free.

However he couldn't feel any more trapped, all the memories of her were heavy chains holding him down.

His legs are lead as each step becomes heavier, cold rain pricking the back of his neck as he gulps down whiskey attempting to wash away the lump.

After a bit, he stumbles back up the concrete steps to the front door of an extravagant house built for her. 

Inside were rooms styled for her.

Various items inside bought for her.

So many intruders trying to get to Jim had been killed for her safety.

It seemed like everything he ever did was for her.

And now she's gone.

Your laughter haunts me like a ringing in my ear

When he opens the door he finds her standing there, reaching for his hand as giggles pour from her. "C'mon silly!"

She intertwines their fingers and darts up the stairs and he feels alcohol bringing back the previous denial.

She's alive and she's here.

There was no way she could be dead.

But then they turn into the bedroom and he's alone in a room ridden with a smashed TV, shattered mirrors, and broken bottles. 

You left me long ago you're still everything

He catches a glimpse of the clock on the floor beside his turned over bedside table. It's only 3:54 am and he's already given up on the day, he shudders as the loneliness makes everything seem so much bigger and colder.  All he wanted was the woman that used to be his, his head is spinning and all he needs is to feel her touch again and to be able to live in a world where she isn't dead. He needs her like he needs oxygen, he can't bear to be without her

I reach out for you, I'm desperate for your warmth

He feels a buzzing from his pocket, looking down to find the phone he didn't remember putting there. He pulls it out to find Sebastian calling once again, he tosses the phone on the bed before falling on it himself.

He looks up and she's giving him a sad smile, her fingers threaded through his hair as his head rests in her lap.

"You need to move on love." She whispers, smile fading.

"I can't." He croaks. How could he? The most important person in his life is gone. The guilt he feels in nauseating, maybe if he'd been able to convey to her how much she'd meant to him she'd still be here.

When'd left for America she'd been happy aside from the fact that he was leaving and he begins to wonder how many more of those beautiful, breathtaking smiles she'd given him were fake.'

Can you tell me where we went wrong? At least tell me just to move on

He turns his head just slightly, attempting to lie and let a numbing sleep wash over him when he laid eyes on the bathroom door,

His heartbeat stops.

All limbs frozen.

He can feel her eyes boaring into him.

It's time to let it go 

All too vivid images play before him as he rolls over and squeezes his eyes shut, clenching his fists so tight his fingernails threaten to draw blood. He willed away all the pictures of her lying limp in his arms, the crimson that coated the tub and what had spilled over onto the floor.

Blood had never bothered Jim Moriarty, but a few nights after finding her watching Sebastian commit a murder made him sick.

He could see the gashes in her arms.

The bright crimson that stained the two of them as he buried his face in her damp hair, her normal scent he'd grown to love overpowered by a sharp metallic.

I wanna feel your heartbeat but it don't beat for me no more no

He shudders, burying his face in the covers gripping them so tightly he should have ripped them. 

It wasn't fair she just got him when he still needs her more than anything.

It's time to let it go, you left me all alone

He can feel a hand on his shoulder and he turns, there she is.

She isn't pale and her eyes are still full of life.

Her skin isn't coated in the very liquid that flows through her veins.

She lays beside him and wraps her arms around him, burying her face in the crook of his neck and he can smell her perfume.

And he knows it isn't real.

"N-N-No you aren't here." He rolls away and she tilts her head. "Jim, I'm right here."

"No, you aren't!" He snaps.

It's holding me down, it's burning me out

"Jim-" She tries again but he won't let the siren's call win again.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" He yells at her, "You aren't real and you aren't here so please just leave me the fuck alone."

His voice cracks and he closes his eyes as tears escape, opening them to find himself alone again.

He's curled up in a ball, fingers tangled his hair as he grips his head, incoherent whimpers, pleas, even prayers for his mind to leave him be because he positively could NOT take this anymore.

I'm beggin' for sound but I can't bring you back now

"Jim."

His eyes open from a slumber he didn't know he'd fallen into as he sees Sebastian standing next to his bed.

He reaches to touch his temple as his head throbs, "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" 

"I came to check on you, you weren't answering my calls." Sebastian shrugs, Jim blinks through his blurry vision until it clears and he takes Sebastian in.

His right hand's shoulders sag and dark circles underneath his eyes, frown lines forming. 

The death of one of the assassin's best friends was really taking a toll on him.

Jim lets himself fall back against the pillows.

"Why did she do it?" He sighed.

Say what you mean out loud

drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd

It's deafening never knowing what could be

Wish I could show you how

"You know as much as I do." his friend sighed. "You read the same note."

Jim covers his face with his hands. "usually I just kill what makes me upset, or what takes what I want, but what do you do when it's the same person?"

Sebastian kneels down and picks up a shattered picture frame, using his sleeve to brush away broken glass. 

"I don't know."  He admits, he looks up and extends one hand to Jim which the madman reluctantly takes as he's pulled to his feet and Seb places the photograph of the last picture they took together in his hands.

"You move on, you heal." Sebastian turned to walk out. "C'mon, it's not good for you to be here."

Jim sighs, staring down at the picture.

Normally he'd shoot Sebastian for telling him what to do.

But when he looks up and finds himself looking her in the eye, he walks right past her and wordlessly follows Sebastian out the door, locking the cleaned up corpse seated in the chair in the corner behind him.

You're just a ghost now

a/n

OKAY SO LIKE I KNOW THAT TWIST WAS WEIRD AND I DEBATED PUTTING IT IN AND LEFT IT UNFINISHED FOR A WHILE BUT THEN WAS LIKE FUCK IT

smut is whenever I can finish it without blushing and closing the window

Hope you guys have had a lovely day

love y'all 

bye bye for now