Type: Songfic (the light behind your eyes by My Chemical Romance)

Pairing: Sherlock x Reader

Warnings: self harm, suicidal intention, THIS SONG WILL MAKE YOU CRY

So long to all my friends, everyone of them met tragic ends

It hurt him.

It hurt so fucking much for him to see her like this.

He watched from a distance, or from the camera's Mycroft had installed for him. He wanted to be there, he wanted to hold her, but he couldn't, he was forced to watch her fall apart. He missed her, he wanted her. He currently stood in the rain storm, it provided excellent cover for him as he watched her walk through the streets, her hands buried in her pockets, her head hung as if weights were attached to it, her shoulders slumped. Everyday she would walk to St Barts, expecting him to appear out of the shadows.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I miss them all tonight

Her (hair length) locks were plastered to her face, her eyes empty and broken. He could smell her cigarette smoke from here, she was killing herself in every way possible. From smoking to drinking to the scars that covered her wrists. It was his fault she was like this. She stared at the top of the building, he could see the gears turning in her head as she came to sense with what had happened. Her mind was a dark swirling pool of chaos, of darkness, hurt, betrayal all these things brought new scars to him and her.

and only if only they knew would I would say if I could be with you tonight

She stared at the building, to most people, she would blend in with the crowds of people. Lost in a sea of average people leading average lives, but she was so much more to average. And because of him she felt like nothing, he'd rather carry the burden of that guilt rather than knowing she was dead because he didn't jump. She wiped away tears with the back of her hand, pausing to look at reflection in the glass window. She appeared to be placing her hair back into place the best she could, she had heavy makeup coating her face, hiding dark circles that dared to peek through. It'd been two years and she'd still stopped here everyday, he was the one who helped her hold her broken pieces together, and when he left her she crumbled.

Never let them take the light behind your eyes, one day I'll lose this fight

She made her way to Scottland yard, she shoved her hands in her pockets. She entered the building, instantly met by Donovan with an armful of paperwork. "You've got to stop stopping. He's dead." She said shortly, shoving the papers into (your name)'s arms. She just took it, making her way past various people. Each oblivious to the girl who was like a large beautiful glass window, the pieces breaking away piece by piece. Her eyes were glazed over like freshly glass as she stared down at the papers, she shifted through them. Her movements were stiff and mechanical, as if she wasn't truly present, her body was here but her mind was somewhere else.

As we fade in the dark, just remember you will always burn as bright

She was slowly fading and it hurt him. With every scar that was carved in her flesh were ones in his heart, he was fully aware he was being a stalker, that watching her wasn't right. But he felt that if he stopped for even a fraction of a second she would disappear. That her small skinny form would be blown away. Sherlock flipped off his phone, the feed from Scottland yard had only been playing moments ago. He took a deep breath, looking up at the sky.

Be strong and hold my hand, time comes for us, soon you'll understand

He had to tell her, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. He walked down the street, his fingers brushing the box of cigarettes in his pocket. He needed to know she would be okay, he wanted to hold her close, to do all the things he'd failed at before. It was only now he realized that there were many nights while he was fast asleep she would let soft, silent sobs escape. She had carefully placed the scars under the band of her underwear to where he couldn't see a difference in her clothing choice. ( sorry if it sounds weird but it's what i do )

She'd spend so many nights holding him when he couldn't handle the weight of the world, she'd take on his burdens and add them on to her own.

and I'm sorry it ends this way, if you promise not to cry I'll tell you just what I'd say

Soon her day progressed, her doom and gloom only seemed to become heavier. You could see the slight dip in her shoulders as if her burdens were literal. He didn't have a choice, she had to know he was alive.

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

He soon found himself staring at the door leading into what was once his flat. He raised his fist slowly and knocked on the door. He tried to form the words in his mind, but he found himself lacking. He received no response.

He repeated the action and listened for a rustling.

Nothing.

He felt panic grow within him.

I'll fail and lose this fight, never fade in the dark

He twisted the handle and found it locked, he growled with frustration. He took a step back, the concern and panic taking control as he brought his foot forward, kicking the door open. The flat was somewhat picked up, various beer and alcohol bottles littered various tables and surfaces along with takeaway containers. "(Your name)?!" He called out, looking around desperately. The realization began to sit in.

"Sherlock?" His name met his ears in a soft, broken whisper.

He turned slowly to find her standing there, dressed in a tank top and shorts. Red scars varying from healed to fresh covered her wrists and upper leg. But what scared him make was the gun in her hand. "You aren't here." She whispered, backing away from him. "It's my mind again." Sobs began to heave from her, her hands flying up to her head, entangling her fingers in her hair. "You aren't here. You can't be. Y-You died!" She raised the gun to her head, "make it stop." Her hand began to tremble, Sherlock's eyes widened and he stepped forward, hands extended.

"(Your name) listen to me, I know you don't understand but it really is me. I promise you it is." He reached forward.

"Stay back!" She screamed, her eyes wide. "You aren't really here! It's impossible!" She repeated, she began to violently shake.

"It's me." He didn't realize his own tears had begun to break free, "please, (your name), I faked my death. It's a long story but I'm here. I'm here." He said gently

"it hurts." She whispered softly, he gently placed a hand on the wrist holding the gun and pushed it down.

Just remember you'll always burn as bright

"I'm here." He repeated and took the gun from her fingertips and tossed it onto the couch before pulling her into an embrace. She wrapped her arms around him, tears slipping down her cheeks. The strength from her legs began to fade and they both sunk down to the ground. He held her as close as he possibly could, "I missed you." She whispered hoarsely, burying her face in his jacket.

"I know." He said softly, placing a hand on the back of her head and running his hand through her hair. "I know."

The light behind your eyes

A/n

It's now 3:17 and I'm like hey this song is stuck in my head and it needs an ending.

I'm sorry if all my sad ones are becoming the same.

I had to do an MCR song, I can't listen to this song without crying. Yes I took out a few lines, don't judge me.

Love y'all

Bye bye for now