+17: How To Save A Life - The Fray

Request from @ConsultingFangirl_

I'm sure you all do realise this but just to remove any confusion, this is Jim addressing himself. His thought process, in a way.

-

You could have saved him...

One word, that's all it would have took.

He loved you. More than anything. You know he did.

You could have saved him. His heart would still beat, if it weren't for you. He'd be alive now. He'd be in your arms, in your home and in your bed.

You just had to say one word.

...

One word, Jim... That's all it would have took.

It's unbelievable, that you couldn't utter one fucking word. You're horrid, disgusting, a waste of air. You could have helped!

He lay there calling your name, begging you to say that one word that would have stopped the cane that hit him over and over. You could see him, bruised and bloody and dying. He could see you too, you know that don't you? He saw you, the man who he believed loved him more than anything in the world.. He saw you watch him, watch him be killed. Slowly. Painfully. But the worst pain for him was knowing you weren't going to stop it.

You let him die. Are you happy with yourself? You lost the only person who matched you in this world. The only person who would love you for all that you are. And you killed him.

...

How do you sleep at night?

Do you think he watches you from where ever the after life may be? Do you think he looks at you, tears rushing down his cheeks as he asks why?

He probably hates you. You deserve to be hated. By him and everyone else. You were meant to love him and keep him safe. You were not meant to watch as your men beat him to death very, very slowly.

"Stop"... That's all you had to say. If you said that, they'd have stopped without question. You wouldn't have to explain why you were stopping them, they follow you without question. Even if they wondered why, they wouldn't ask because they know you wouldn't like that.

...

You're a monster.

Did you ever love him? You said you did. You still say you love him.

Yet... You did that. You watched him die, knowing you could have helped and knowing that he was watching you, heart breaking because he too realised you weren't going to help. That's not what people do to the people they love.

Being depressed and sorry and drinking away the guilt won't redeem you, you know. You're stuck with this mistakes. You can't wave your hand and people flock to fix something you need fixing. None of them are even aware that you possess a heart, how could they ever fix it?

If he could see you now... He'd probably forgive you after seeing how pathetic you are now. He'd forgive you out of pity and because he loves you. Even in those last moment, in that last breath that you saw leave his body, he loved you more than all his cases, more than the rush he got when he and John set off on a new case and he even loved you more than John's daughter who he'd always been fond of.

You deserve none of his love! Not a single ounce!

...

You're such a disgrace, you'll probably forget about him. Forget that you loved him, that he loved you. You'll forget how happy you were together. You'll forget the pain you cause him. You'll forget that you hurt him, broke his heart and let him die.

You'll drown the memories in another bottle.

Then, when you die, hopefully you'll remember all the pain and you'll see him in the after life and he'll hate you and say horrible things to you. But then when he's alone, you know he'll cry and sob and wish you were there.

Your death should be drawn out and painful, like his. You shouldn't get to go easily. You should struggle and beg to be saved. You should know how it felt for him. At least, you'll know the desperation and the horror of realising you'll not going to be helped. But you'll never know how it feel to look up and see the man you love, the man who can save you, and watch as he decides not to utter one simple word that could save your life.

...

Have you noticed how you can't even think his name anymore?

You just say and think him.

Five years and you can't say his name. At least, you haven't forgotten. It hasn't been drowned in a bottle. The pain is fresh. It burns you and you like it. You like the reminder, you like the pain. You're twisted.

Say it. Say it.

Now. Say it.

"S-Sherlock..."

Was that painful?

Good.

...

You don't deserve to live, you know that you don't. When are you doing to do something about it?

There are so many ways. You want it to be painful. It has to be painful. If it's not painful, than that shows how weak you are! It proves that you didn't care at all!

If you cared about him, you'll make it hurt. Make it last for hours and hours.

So many ways...

Which will you pick?

Not that it matters. As long as it's painful.

Maybe you can convince Sebastian to do it. Get him to beat you like you let the man you loved be beat. If not Sebastian, find some of your enemies. No doubt, John Watson and Mycroft Holmes would be overjoyed to do the honours, if you allow them. Maybe even that inspector, Lestrade, would like to see you suffer. They all loved him in their own ways. They would have saved him if they had the chance you did.

Don't go easy on yourself, if you do it alone. Make it hurt.

Your screams of pain should ring out like his did. Your body should be soaring with pain. You feel like you're burning alive. Or, if you have the guts, you could burn alive. Light a fire, have the rug partly in the fire, watch as the fire spread around the room and engulfs everything and just sit there in your chair and wait it to reach you.

It would be easy enough...

You deserve to die.

...

You're a filthy alcoholic. It's killing you, slowly. Are you happy now?

You drink at least twelve of those bottle throughout the day.

Tonight, drink all you can. Drink until you pass out. Don't stop, no matter what. Drink as much as you can. Between each drink, swallow one of your sleeping tablets.

You'll soon slip off into a deep sleep.

Find a way to make it hurt. You're weak, you've choose a way to make it easy on yourself. You should have burned!

Find a way to make it hurt!

Get a knife. Bleed and bruise like he did.

Die, like he did.

When you see him, beg for forgiveness. He won't give you it. He'll probably watch you as you die, smiling. He wants you to suffer. He doesn't love you anymore. How could he? Look at you! You're disgusting.

Tonight... Tonight, you die.