+14: My Last Goodbye - Trading Yesterday

Request from: @DidYouMissMeJM

Do not listen to this song and watch The Reichenbach Fall at the same time. I did and it nearly killed me. Especially when Jim shot himself.. Fucking hell guys. I now understand what @DidYouMissMeJM means about hurting feels.. God. I need a cup of tea to recover.

I do not own the script from BBC that I have used in here. All credit goes to Moffat and Gatiss for that.

-

It's been just a few hours since Moriarty has came visit me and left me the apple as a little gift. Now, I'm at his flat and we're curled up in bed. Jim is pressing kisses over my neck as he lays half on top of me.

It's still unclear to me how we do it or how we always manage to tell the difference - or rather, how I tell the difference. It's so messy. The work and this relationship... Somehow, we keep them separate.

This, what we do now, is nothing to do with what we do as Moriarty and Sherlock. Now, in these moments, we are Sherlock and Jim. Boyfriends. Partners. Lovers.

We've made so many promises and as Jim kisses me and holds m close, I think about them. All the promises.

We'd never take The Game too far (e.g. hurting the other/their friends or making it impossible for them to continue the game). We'd always make sure that we wouldn't the the victories or the defeats of cases leak into our personal life.

Those were the main one's.

I lift my head a little to look at Jim. "I'm glad Moriarty's back" I tell him "It's been a bit boring without him"

It's almost like Moriarty and Jim are two completely separate people. In many ways, they are. Jim loves me and loves to see me happy. Moriarty is merely an act that Jim plays in order to keep me entertained - all the hatred and such wasn't real. It was a game. Something fun to pass the time.

"Glad you're happy, darling" Jim drawls, sounding tired.

"Go to sleep" I smile, kissing him shortly. "Love you"

"Love you too" Jim mumbles through a yawn. He's adorable.

Not long after Jim, I fall asleep feeling warm and content and loved and safe and happy and all the other things that come with being helplessly in love.

*

"Darling, they didn't have any ground coffee, so I just got normal.."

It's him. He's wearing that deep red cardigan that I like. Why... Why is he here? Calling Kitty darling?

I don't... don't understand.

Must be part of the game.

But.. The promises...

I look up at him and what I see there shocks me. He.. He looks genuinely shocked. I'm not meant to be here. This isn't part of his plan. Does that mean that this... is this the real Jim? Was it all lies? And he's really out to destroy me?

Public humiliation. That's not something you'd do to the person you love. This is meant to be a game. Between us. He wasn't meant to do this.

This isn't fun anymore. That's what I want to say but I can't bring myself to say a thing as John, Kitty and Jim shout at each other and argue.

There are no words.

I've been betrayed. Giving me cases and having fun. That's what Jim is meant to be doing. This is... right out there. Everything he did; all the whispered words, the promises, all the kisses and the reassurance. All of it meant nothing. All of it was just for him to get me under his thumb.

Kitty appears in my line of sight then but none of what she says registers. All I see is Jim. Then she's beside him, touching him. Touching my Jim.

My Jim...

John says something and Kitty moves but all I can do is stare.

I gave this man my heart. It's in his hand and he's squeezing it, grinning that devilishly handsome grin I've come to love. And he's enjoying it. He's enjoying how much this is hurting me and how much he's winning. He's tricked me. He's made me believe... I believed he loved me. Fuck.. I.. I can't even begin to...

No. Please. Let this be a mistake. This is an act for the game. It has to be. Maybe.. Maybe I'm not understanding properly. Did Jim tell me something? To warn me? He must know this is hurting...

"It's all over. Just tell them, just tell them. Tell him!" are the first words that register.

I step forward, expecting.. I don't know what. But I wasn't expecting Jim to back up, acting like I was going to hurt him.

I'd never do that. He's the one hurting me!

"It's all over... No! No! Don't you touch me. Don't you lay a finger on me" 

No.. Jim.. You promised.

"Stop it!" I shout, pain transforming and moulding into anger. "Stop it NOW!"

Jim springs up then and rushes up the stairs, heading for the door across from me. I run after him without thinking.

I need to catch him. He needs to tell me that this can't be true. This is all fake.. He'll find me, soon, and reassure me. He has to!

But I get the door slammed in my face.

He's.. leaving me behind.

"No, no, no, he'll have back up" He has to.

This.. This is a show for John and Kitty. It has to be. Because if it's not...

I rush down the stairs and Kitty starts talk. All I hear is 'blah, blah, blah' as I stare at her. My Jim... He called this woman darling. Could it be possible this is all to play me?.. Have I fallen for Moriarty's trick? Is the Jim that cuddled me and loved me all part of an act?

I don't want to accept that...

As John and I rush out, I speak my thoughts. If I have been tricked than that means Moriarty's real.

Jim hasn't gave me a sign. This isn't playful anymore. This is real. Moriarty is real and the Jim I came to love isn't there.

Mycroft was right. Love hurts. It really fucking hurts. I feel like I'm dying.

All that I thought was love... All lies.

"There's only one thing he needs to do to complete his game and that's to..." I trail off.

To kill me.

Jim's going to kill me. Love... Love is going to kill me, quite literally. The one man I have loved, the only person I fell for, is the one to destroy me.

I... I can't function.

I need to... I need to go into 'case mode'.

Pretend it's a game. Find a way to survive.

*

I'm waiting...

JM

I stand and button my blazer, walking out of the room and grabbing my coat as I do.

Please. Please, please, please, Jim. Tell me this isn't real. Please, God. Tell me that I made a plan with Molly for nothing. Please.

Stop, I tell myself. Case mode. Case mode.

*

"Oh, just kill yourself, it's a lot less effort." Jim rolls hide eyes. My heart in clenching painfully in my chest. The Jim I loved... Doesn't exist. My case mood is rapidly slipping.

"Go on. For me. Pleeeease."

For me. Without thinking, I grab him and shove him towards the edge of the building. Everything I did was for him! And he knows that. He knows! He knows...

"You're insane" I growl, case mode continuing to crack.

"You're just getting that now?" Jim asks. Allowing the anger to boil up and shove him further off the building. But I know I won't kill him. I fucking love the bastard. The lying, cheating, scheming bastard. "W-w-woah!" Jim gasps, looking into my eyes. "Okay. Let me give you a little extra incentive... Your friends will die if you don't"

"John?" I ask.

How can he be doing this to me... The love we had seemed so real...

"Not just John. Everyone"

I blink. "Mrs Hudson?"

Please, heart, stopping loving him. This would be so much easier..

"Everyone!" Jim whispers, grinning that grin.

No. I.. Stop it, Sherlock. You can not start thinking how's much you love that grin. Look at what he's doing to you!

"Lestrade?" How I'm still speaking, not showing how this is affecting me, I have no clue. Thank you, case mode.

"Three bullets, three gunmen, three victims. There's no stopping them now" I yank him back up, momentarily allowing myself to enjoy his closeness. "Unless my people see you jump" He adds.

He stares for a moment before yanking my hands off of his jacket. And that.. that stings. He can't bare to have me touch him. He doesn't want me close.

It was all lies... He's broken me. Yet I still love him. There's no switch. I can't just stop. I wish I could just stop.

I don't hear all of his next words but I do catch the last sentence.

"Your only three friends in the world will die. Unless.." He turns partly towards the edge of the building.

"Unless I kill myself. Complete your story"

"You've got to admit, that's sexier" Jim says, making one of those hand gestures that does unconsciously.

"And I die in disgrace" with a broken heart.

I just stare ahead, at the spot there I'm going to jump from.

"Of course, that's the point of this" says Jim.. and that feels like a punch to the gut.

He planned for me to die like this. Depressed, alone and shunned from the world.

As I'm stepping up, I only half listen to Jim's words. He's talking about having an audience and about how my death is the only way for me to save my friends because he's not going to do it.

"Would you give me one moment, please? One moment of privacy... Please?"

Give me that, Jim. You've done all this to me. Let me have a single moment.

"Of course" He says, beginning to walk away and I hear it in his tone.

He knows. He knows what he's doing to me and he knows he's broken my heart into tiny shards that are beyond mending. I was broken when he got to me and I thought that maybe he'd fix me, that he'd be good for me, but he just broke me even more. I'm beyond repair.

Stop! Sherlock, case mode!

I need to focus on this case. On saving my friends. On beating Moriarty. Not Jim, Moriarty.

How can I save them? How to stop the gunmen?..

He... Oh!

Somehow, now my case mode is functioning again and I'm not thinking about the pain in my chest, I get the energy and power to start laughing.

He's not going to call them off. But he can.

Jim's footsteps stop. "What? What is it? What have I missed?" He demands at I turn around and grin, and a tiny part of me is pleased that he can't see the pain.

That I'm seemingly taking this well is irritating him and that feels fantastic.

Slowly, I walk towards him, using my sudden surge of energy to look confident.

"You're not going to do it? So the killers can be called off, then, there's a recall code or a word or a number"

That's right, Jim. Think I don't care. Think the work is all that matters. Think that your tricks haven't worked. Hurts, doesn't it, to be fooled?

"I don't have to die" I go on, singing the next part. "If I've got you"

But I don't have him.

Case mode, I remind myself.

"Oh!" Jim laughs "You think you can make me stop the order? You think you have make me do that?"

"Yes" I answer, continuing to walk circles around Jim. "So do you"

"Sherlock, your big brother and all the king's horses couldn't make me do a thing I didn't want to" He says, knowing full well how I hate being compared to Mycroft.

I step close, staring into his eyes. Bad choice. God, those eyes... Those lovely brown eyes that made me feel so special, so loved.

How I keep my voice steady is beyond me.

"Yes, but I'm not my brother, remember?" I pause. Those eyes.. "I am you. Prepared to do anything. Prepared to burn. Prepared to do what ordinary people won't do. You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you"

Moriarty. I am talking to Moriarty. The Jim I love is not real. He's a fake. This man tricked me.

I repeat that. Over and over in my head. I need to forget that Jim. This is not that Jim.

Jim- No. Moriarty shakes his head. "Nah. You talk big... Nah. You're ordinary... You're ordinary. You're on the side of the angels"

If I wasn't... Would he love me?

"Oh, I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one second that I am one of them"

He stares at me for a few moments. My heart races. He kooks like he's seeing me in a different light... Like he's the Jim I love again.

"No. You're not" He says, quietly, realising.

He closes his eyes, basking in the feeling. He looks beautiful with the light reflecting on his face. When he opens his eyes, he gives a smile that melts me to the core. Damn him.

"I see. You're not ordinary. No... You're me" He's still Moriarty. He's not my Jim. He never was... "You're me!" He says again, grinning at me. "Thank you!... Sherlock Holmes" He says, going to touch me but stopping. Briefly, I stop breathing. He was going to touch me!

He offers his hand and I look down, frowning. He... I'm going to get to touch him. He's letting me touch him.

I look up to his eyes and as our skin comes into contact, I feel a familiar bolt of something similar electric running up my hand and through me. My heart stutters painfully as our hands squeeze.

"Thank you.. Bless you" Jim whispers  "As long as I'm alive, you can save your friends. You've got a way out" He won't look at my eyes now.

There's a short pause. "Well, good luck with that" He says, looking up to my eyes as his own widen and his mouth opens.

The next few moments pass in slow motion.

Powerless, I watch as he slides the gun out from his jacket and lifts it to his mouth. He's.. Oh, God. Gasping out the word "no" I tear my hand from his, stumbling backwards. Before I can do anything, the gun shot echoes and Jim falls backwards.

No. No. No, no, no. NO!

Breathing heavily, I stare at him. At the blood oozes from his head and at his frozen features. My Jim.. He's dead. Gone. He's left me for good. He tricked me, hurt me, destroyed my hurt and now.. Now.. He's... God.

My heart is telling to break down. To scream and cry and fall to my knees to weep over my lover's dead body. But my brain.. My brain that's in case mode reminds me I have friends to save.

My hands briefly grip my hair as I turn to look at the edge of the building. I keep turning, unsure and shocked and feeling so utterly powerless. As I turn repeatedly and pant, I realise I have to go forward with this plan.

Jim is dead... My precious Jim.

I didn't think my heart could be shattered anymore. But here it is. Being thrown to the ground and broken further.

He's left me. Our love wasn't meant to. Our love was one sided. It wasn't real for him.. It was a game. I was a game to him.

As I step up to the edge and dial John's number, I can feel the tears rising. Case mode is slipping again but I don't care. The emotion fills my voice as I speak to John, telling him what Moriarty wanted him to think.

Jim did not love me but this is what Jim wanted and I did - do love him. I'll do what he wants.

As I step off, part of me wishes I was really going to hit the pavement below.