“We all broke
our own rules
for someone”

◈◈◈

Smackdown

"I really feel like you guys would fit well together though" I shrugged which caused Baron to glare at me while the new champion Bray Wyatt simply laughed as he sat beside me.

"He has to grow some more beard though" he pointed out.

"Do not beard shame, my friend" I gasped.

"Oh, now I'm your friend after you two have been fucking with me for the last 20minutes" Baron narrowed his eyes at me before downing the rest of his water.

"Now you know how I feel in this friendship" I winked at him as he never missed the opportunity to make a joke at my expense when I wasn’t in tears.

"You should be grateful she is your friend. You being the lone wolf and all" Bray smirked which only seemed to annoy Baron further and made me laugh louder.

They argued back and forth while I smiled due to their company, on the inside I wasn't sure how I felt. I had told John I needed some space to clear my head due to the confusion and he gave it. I believed he was no cheater, there was proof and as soon as I saw it I couldn't believe how I had assumed he would do that to me. 

Maybe it was me wanting to ease my conscience when I was the one being unfaithful, something I swore to myself I would never be. He wasn’t even upset that I had thought so low of him, he just hadn’t liked the idea that I had been believing my own lies for two months instead of asking him about it. And I understood that because he was usually the first one I spoke to about anything but that had changed a lot because I had doubted him.

I was a bit annoyed with John due to his assumptions about Baron though, John was always amazing with everyone but the way he accused me of being with Baron rubbed me the wrong way. I ended up staying with Baron that night, who had laughed for five minutes straight when I told him that John assumed I was cheating with him. He made it very clear that I was not his type at all. 

"So now that the champ is gone. Do you think you can be serious for five minutes?" He questioned as I watched Bray head down the hallway.

"Why?" I sighed as I had appreciated just enjoying the moment.

"You spent the last two months thinking your boyfriend was cheating on you, only to find out he is not. You don't seem happy or sad" He frowned, seeming genuinely concerned for my current state of mind. 

"Because I don't know how I feel. Apart of me wishes that maybe he was so that I would have a reason for all the things I have done since assuming he was" I confessed because while I had been filled with insecurities and fears for the last two months, the one thing that I was currently consumed by was guilt.

"I have been on your side with all this but if you are just planning to run into his arms again maybe AJ deserves a heads up" I understood his words, despite acting like he could care less about people, Baron genuinely cared about the friends he made. 

"I'm scared, Baron. So scared." I mumbled, knowing even though he had been offering me his support, Allen was a friend of his and despite his annoyed attitude I’m sure he didn’t want him to be used. And using Allen wasn’t my intention at all either, everything I did with Allen was purely based off obvious feelings. I just knew deep down those feelings were only accepted due to the thought of John cheating on me.

"Of what?"

"Deciding what I want to do. John is my home but Allen makes me feel something I can't pinpoint. And when we slept together I felt so content afterwards, safe and cared for. And it has me thinking maybe you were right" I admitted something I didn’t want to, something I wouldn’t even say to Brie.

Apart from the fact that she was currently pregnant, and I didn’t want to burden her with my complications. Me admitting that John was not this perfect man would hurt my pride when I had defended my relationship for so long. Whether it be on screen or to my family and friends, I was constantly trying to make everyone understand that the amazing relationship I had outweighed the sacrifices I had to make.

"About?"

I glanced around to make sure no one was in close range before I spoke, "That he doesn't give me everything. We have an amazing life but how amazing is it if I ignore my bad days because we have such little time together that I just want us to be happy. The world adores us, and it's come to a point where I'm not sure if I'm in love with him or this idea of being with the John Cena and having the world idolize our love. If this relationship fails it’s like I’m letting myself down and the world, you know?"

He didn't say anything for a minute before he leaned forward. "If the world turns against you because you decide you don't want to be with him you will still have my wonderful friendship"

I smiled and briefly hugged him which he didn’t like much but I wanted him to know I appreciated it, "I don't know. It's just a lot to think about. If I choose Allen it's going to be so messy. I will be here with both of them on the same brand, our friends and my family."

He rolled his eyes," you honestly need to be more selfish"

●●●

“She does miss you though” Bryan shrugged as we had run over a few things for my segment later in the night and then the conversation sort of drifted.

“Its only been two months, I mean before it was fine me barging in but now you are on the road too. I feel like I am invading your space if I keep showing up with you on our off days, you used to complain I was a third wheel.” I giggled slightly even though I knew I had been avoiding Brie. Initially it was because that I knew if I saw her I would express my concerns about John and that would just lead to some sort of intervention. And then obviously my relationship with Allen…

“She’s pregnant, I know you two facetime but its not the same. Is there a reason that you have been avoiding a visit since Christmas?” Concern filled his face and I realized how weird it actually was. My sister and I were quite co-dependent and usually stayed as connected as we could. 

I wasn’t sure what to say without lying to him but luckily Shane approached us so I wouldn’t have to, “I will come down soon, okay? See you later!”

I quickly added before moving on and internally thanked Shane for showing up when he had. I would just have to suck it up and visit her, I was excited to see her bump in person and just see how they were getting the house in order. I also had a baby shower to plan which would make it easy to distract myself from my chaos as well. I didn’t have any concerns about John to spill but besides that I still had a huge secret to keep so I would have to distract her with wrestling and baby talk.

I heard my name being called as I walked down the hallway and glanced back to see AJ trying to reach me. I hoped I wouldn’t have to see him because I had a lot to figure out and once I made sense of things I would know what I wanted to say to him.

He seemed to be a man on a mission though and before I could even greet him, he spoke. “We need to talk, and I am not going to leave you alone until we do. We keep going back and forth about morals but then I can admit seeing you with John infuriates me and you can say what you want but the mere thought of me actually having spent the night with Charlotte infuriated you”

I smiled slightly due to him being so serious, “Uhm we can go to the tour bus I’m sharing with Bryan”

Even as the words left my mouth I knew it wasn’t a good idea but yet he followed me out of the building as we passed quite a few people which of course didn’t seem suspicious as we were friends that often hung out together. I wasn’t sure if I should have felt at ease or guilty that no one would ever assume I would cheat on John. I mean who would, on paper he was every woman’s dream and he had been mine too but now that dream was getting closer to what it was, not a reality I needed.

“I know you have been avoiding me which confuses me. One minute you are upset with me, the next you hang out with my boys. I don’t know what we are doing anymore” I heard his voice as we neared the bus.

“What do you want this to be, Allen?” I questioned as we stepped onto the bus and sat on the couch. He joined me and seated himself so that I could look into his eyes before he glanced away.

“You know what I want? If I were to ignore all the ideas of what I should be doing or saying because I know I should leave you alone. I know that I should just ignore every sin we have committed within the last several months and allow you to continue to be the girlfriend for the John Cena. I know I should take a step back, but I don’t want to be the noble guy when it comes to you and we both know that. I want this to be more than stolen kisses and a one night stand, I want more of us and more of you without having to put you in a position where you are cheating on John” 

I stared at him as I processed everything he had just said before asking him what I knew he wouldn’t ask me, “You want me to leave him?”

“Have you slept with him since we have?” He immediately questioned which surprised me but everything about him since he had called me in the hallway did. He wanted answers, it was clear, what had encouraged this sudden need I wasn’t sure but of course it was at a time when I felt the most uncertain.

“Allen…” I rest my head back on the couch, not wanting to speak about my relationship with John. I doubt I would ever even tell him about my suspicions of John because it would probably lead to him questioning my actions.

“Be honest with me, Nicole”

I shook my head and glanced down into my lap, “No, I haven’t. I can’t be with him when I’m so conflicted.”

I saw the relief on his face and the smile that he tried to contain due to my words, “I don’t want to force you to choose to be with me, but I need to know what you honestly want me to do here. Do you want me to leave you alone even when I want you so badly or do you want me to hold on?”

“You know what the answer to that would be, but I’m scared that if I tell you to hold on and I don’t have the guts to do what needs to be done where will you be? You deserve better than me, Allen. I’m a fucking mess and you are anything but that…”

“I’m not? Maybe before yes, I had everything figured out but right here I am a mess because all I think about is being with you. I have these emotions that haven’t been around for a long time and while most of them are good, there is anger and jealousy within me. Because I am sick and tired of seeing you with John and not with me”

My eyes widened as I knew he could be confrontational if he needed to be but this was a lot. It was a lot, and hot, seeing him be demanding and the slight change in character. It reminded me of the night we had spent together where he had… I shook away impure thoughts and gazed at him. “You know I love him…”

His jaw clenched slightly as he avoided my eyes, “I do”

“I love him so much but I also don’t know if I am in love with him. I realized that in getting lost in this connection between us I have become distant with him and the sad thing is he doesn’t even realize it. I never wanted to vent to you about how I am feeling in my relationship because this is something different for me and I don’t want the weight of that on it”

He nodded, “So that’s why you and Tommy are so close?”

I smiled, “Yeah, my unlikely therapist. I know it seems odd, a lot of people don’t get our friendship including John but he is good to me”

He chuckled, “I admit it does seem odd and I also admit I have been jealous of your bond but it also makes sense, in a weird way he can be a good friend. But I hope you know that you can vent to me, Nicole”

“I know I can but that would only hurt you in the end and I don’t want what we have to be tainted with that.” I stared into his blue eyes for the first time and felt the realization hit me or maybe I was just pulled in by them but the words left my mouth before I could stop them even though I probably wasn’t ready to say them, “I want to be with you but I have been with him for so long and I have this image to uphold with him. This is such a public relationship I am in and if it ends it will possibly be made public as well. Do you really want to be a part of that? You know how much tension it could cause, you guys are friends…”

He shook his head which caused my rambling to stop, “I am more friends with Tommy than him, he is a colleague.”

“You don’t understand, if I decide to end things with him the only way I can do that is to admit that I…” I stopped myself immediately as I realized what I was about to say. 

He didn’t push to hear the rest, “I understand that if you were to end things with John it would be a huge risk so while I would like for you to tell me right now that you will be leaving him. I will give you sometime to think about, I don’t want you to end up making a decision that you will regret.”

■■■■■

I can't believe my last update was back in July 2020! I am so sorry for the 6month wait. Hopefully most of you are still here...

I will try to update more frequently. I am currently working on where I want the book to go so fingers crossed.

But let me know what you think please 🥺

Happy 2021!!!!😭💜💜