When I woke, I felt Enrique's steady breathing in my cheeks. Dahan-dahan kong iminulat ang mga mata. His heavy arm strewn securely around me. When I tried to move, Chuchay perked up from the floor. As soon as she saw that I'm awake, she jumped into bed, startling Enrique.

"Chuchay! Ssh!" Natatawa kong saway sa alaga pero wala na din iyong silbi dahil nagising na niya ang pakay. She started licking Enrique's face while jumping up and down on the bed.

"Chuchay..." Enrique groaned.

Natawa ako nang makita ang pupungas-pungas nitong mukha. Just like me, this is probably one of the times when he can sleep in as much as he wants. They have a strict routine that they follow, including what time to wake up and what time to go to bed.

"Good morning..." mahina kong bati sa kaniya.

Hindi naman niya inalis ang kamay sa akin at mukhang wala pang balak bumangon. Pinihit niya lang ako papalapit sa kaniya at pinikit ulit ang mga mata.

"Good morning..."

"Magluluto muna ako ng agahan," I tried to get up but he wouldn't budge. Pabiro kong hinampas ang kamay niya. "Enrique!"

"Five more minutes."

"You can't say five more minutes in the army, Enrique. Get up!"

"Fine." He grumbled and took a deep breath. Nawala din ang inis sa mukha niya nang makitang excited na lumabas si Chuchay. I got up and opened the door and as soon as I did, she bolted out to the yard.

Nilingon ko naman si Enrique. He's folding the bed in a way he learned from the military. It looks cleaner and neater than my way. Nang matapos ay saka pa siya sumunod sa akin sa labas.

"Good morning!" Masiglang bati ni Lulu sa kusina. She already brewed a pot of coffee for all of us, and the aroma of the coffee drifted inside the house. "Did you sleep okay?" She winked at me.

I rolled my eyes at her. Akala niya talaga may nangyari sa amin kagabi! Akala niya lang yun...

"May maitutulong ba ako?" Malumanay na tanong ni Enrique.

"Sit down, silly. You're our guest!" Lulu chirped, placing a cup of coffee before him and me. Isinunod niya ang lagayan ng asukal at creamer. "I'll prepare breakfast!"

"Ako na!" Kaagad akong tumayo.

Ngumuso naman ang kaibigan. "I'll just fry eggs, Avery. Don't worry!"

Hinayaan ko nalang ang kaibigan dahil mukhang desidido na itong gawin iyon para sa aming dalawa. When Chuchay started barking outside, Enrique excused himself and went to check on her.

"So, ano?"

I almost jumped in my seat when Lulu suddenly poked me on the side. Pinagmasdan niya ang mukha ko saka sumimangot.

"What the hell? You don't have the after-sex glow! I'm sure you didn't do it!"

"Luanne Rose!" Saway ko sa kaniya.

"Sayang ang puyat ko sa inyo, jusko!" Reklamo pa niya.

I grunted. Parang gusto ko nang sabunutan ang kaibigan! Buti nalang talaga at hindi nakita ni Enrique ang mga condom na iniwan niya sa kwarto ko kagabi. Baka mamaya ay pagmulan pa yun ng away, eh!

Enrique came back with Chuchay after a short while. May ibinigay itong parcel para kay Lulu. She must've been barking at the delivery guy, then.

"Thanks, Enrique." Lulu set down her package and went back to cooking.

"Kailan ka babalik?" Tinapunan ko naman ng tingin si Enrique.

"Mamayang hapon."

My heart sank inside of my chest. Of course, he's going back... it was stupid of me to even think that we could have the entire weekend together. Kailangan kong ipaalala sa sarili ko na hiram nga lang pala ang oras naming dalawa.

"Well? What do you want to do? Pwede kayong mag-mall or mag-amusement park, though I suspect that it's not your first time here in Manila?" Lulu queried.

"Thanks, I'll just stay here with Avery." Walang kurap na sagot ni Enrique.

Lulu smiled. "I figured."

Nagprito lang ng hotdog at itlog si Lulu para sa agahan naming tatlo. We talked about her program and the various activities she's been busy with lately. Unlike me, she continued being a student leader in Ateneo despite having a demanding program. Kaya minsan ay panay ang labas nito kahit na weekend dahil sa mga ginagawa nila sa unibersidad.

Pagkatapos kumain ay si Enrique ulit ang naghugas ng plato. Lulu retreated to her room, probably to get some sleep. Ako naman, inabala ko ang sarili sa pagpapakain kay Chuchay. Tapos na itong maligo kahapon kaya malaya itong makakalaro hanggang sa mapagod pagsapit ng tanghali.

"Sigurado ka bang ayaw mong mamasyal?" Untag ko ulit sa kaniya nang makitang patapos na ito sa ginagawa.

I know I always praise him, but I was shocked when he also cleaned the sink after washing the dishes and threw the garbage out. The plates were all dried and organized, even the forks and spoons were spotless. He said he's only washing the dishes but ended up cleaning the entire kitchen for us.

Umiling si Enrique habang pinupunasan ang kamay niya. "Hindi na. Dito nalang tayo..."

I nodded in understanding. He still doesn't know that I'm working and I don't know how to tell him. Alam kong gaya ni Tita ay napaka-overprotective niya sa akin. He'll probably ask me to stop working and split his allowance with me. But how else am I going to learn about this world if I don't do this?

Alam kong dalawa kaming nag-aalaga kay Chuchay, but he's taken full responsibility of her since high school. Ano ba naman ang iilang taon na sakripisyo? Makakaya ko 'to. Kakayanin.

"Andito ka na rin lang, may ipapatulong sana ako sa'yo..."

"Ano yun?"

I wanted to sleep and be next to him all day, but I'm too scared of what's going to happen if we're alone together. He's restrained himself until this day. Dapat ay hindi ko na bulabugin iyon.

We spent the rest of our time cleaning and fixing things in our apartment. Ang napupundi sa ilaw sa dirty kitchen, ang natumbang poste ng sampayan, pati na rin ang lock sa kwarto ko na minsan ay nagbabara. He also added some locks in our front door and told me to install a CCTV camera if I have the money.

Habang nasa labas siya at nag-aayos, pumasok ako sa loob para maghanda ng makakain naming dalawa. Lulu always stashed some organic and sugar-free juice in our ref while I rely on softdrinks and energy drinks most of the time. I'm sure he'll scowl at some of my lifestyle choices. PMA cadets are not allowed to drink carbonated drinks because they jog almost every day. Ibinalik ko nalang ang softdrinks at kumuha ng juice ni Lulu saka iilang cookies.

I stepped out onto our porch and placed the food on a small, wooden table. Enrique is almost done. Tirik na tirik ang araw kaya naman tumutulo ang pawis nito. Pumasok ulit ako sa loob para kumuha ng towel. Sakto namang paglabas ko ay tapos na siya kaya inabot ko 'to sa kaniya.

"Salamat, ah? May mga kaibigan naman kaming lalaki pero mga spoiled brat! Hindi mo maaasahan sa ganitong mga bagay," I shook my head, remembering how Karlo freaked out when he saw a rat while we were moving our things inside. Mas malakas pa ata ang tili sa aming mga babae, eh.

"Tingnan mo si Chuchay..."

Ibinaling ko ang tingin sa alaga. She's zooming back and forth across the yard, chasing an imaginary squirrel. Natawa ako sa inakto nito. Every now and then she does that. She must be around 5 years old by now but her energy never depleted.

"Buti naman nahanap mo ang lugar na 'to. Hindi niya yan nagagawa sa bahay, eh."

Nag-iwas kaagad ako ng tingin nang dumapo kami sa topic na iyon. I feel guilty about all these secrets that I'm keeping from him but really, what good will it bring if I open this can of worms?

"Oo nga, buti nalang mabait ang may-ari."

We both settled into our chairs, watching Chuchay in her own, happy little world. Napangiti ako.

"Gusto ko nang ganito..." bulong ko sa kawalan.

"Ano?"

"Maliit na bahay tapos malawak na bakuran para sa aso," I chuckled. "Gusto ko ng trabaho kung saan magiging masaya ako. Gusto kong umuwi sa hapon tapos may maghihintay na aso sa akin sa bahay. Gusto kong uminom ng kape hindi para gisingin ang sarili ko, kundi dahil gusto ko lang..." I glanced at him and saw that he's already watching me intently. "Gusto din kita... gusto kong kami ang uuwian mo sa bawat training at deployment mo. Na nandun kami sa bahay, naghihintay sa'yo pagkatapos ng ilang buwan mo sa trabaho."

Enrique reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Ano pa?" Malambing niyang tanong.

I chuckled, trying to think of anything else. "Hmm, gusto ko ng maraming aso. Yung mga rescue sana. Bigyan natin sila ng pangalawang tyansa sa buhay. Tapos gusto ko ng duyan sa porch o di kaya'y attic sa taas. Napaka-sentimental ko. Alam kong hindi ko magagawang itapon ang mga gamit na mahalaga sa akin. Mga litrato, pinitas na bulaklak, sulat, lumang wedding gown..." I shrugged. "We need some room for all of that."

By then, I could feel Enrique's arms around me. Ihinilig ko ang ulo sa kaniya.

"Yun lang? Wala ng iba?"

I shook my head. "Gusto kong manatili ka dito ng isa pang araw..." mapait akong ngumiti saka binalingan siya. "Pero hindi pwede, diba?"

Sadness took over his face. Marahan siyang umiling at hinalikan ang noo ko.

"I'm sorry, Avery."

Umiling lang ako. Ayokong sabihin sa kaniya na nahihirapan din ako minsan na ganitong magkalayo kaming dalawa. Siguro kung narito siya, matutulungan niya ako sa paggawa ng mga desisyon. I have long given up my chances of becoming a Dean's Lister when I signed up for work. Kahit na itanggi ko pa, mas nagiging priority ko ang trabaho dahil palagi ko nang iniisip ang mga bayarin dito sa bahay.

"Sorry, andami kong gusto..." I chuckled weakly. "Sa ngayon, okay na 'to..."

Hindi ako sinagot ni Enrique, naramdaman ko lang ang mas lalong paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin.

We stayed like that for a little bit and then I cleaned up. Naunang naligo si Enrique sa akin. I checked Lulu inside her room. Tulog na tulog pa rin ito. Dahan-dahan akong lumabas at sumunod na rin sa banyo nang matapos ang lalaki.

"Hindi mo na ako kailangang ihatid, Avery..." paalala niya ulit sa akin habang nakasunod ako sa kaniya palabas.

"Gusto ko lang," I pouted. "Bawal na ba kitang ihatid? Kasi ako ang babae?"

He chuckled. "Fine, fine."

I gave him a cute smile and patted Chuchay's head.

"Dun ka muna kay Ninang Lulu mo, babalik din ako kaagad, ha?"

Chuchay whimpered, her ears down. Alam niyang aalis ulit si Enrique. She's going to be anxious for a while again.

"Is she...?"

"She's going to be fine. I'll be here taking care of her," I assured Enrique when I saw the worry in his eyes.

Gaya ng ilang beses kaming naghihiwalay sa terminal, mabigat ang loob ko pagka-uwi sa bahay. I was so happy to have spent my weekend with him but now that it's over, I don't want to go back to real life.

I cried myself to sleep that day but when the morning came, I had no choice but to go on with my life again. I went to my classes and tried to catch up as much as I can. Iidlip lang ako saglit sa apartment, pakakainin si Chuchay, at pupunta na sa trabaho. Sa umaga pag-uwi ko, nakahanda na ang almusal naming dalawa at nakakain na din si Chuchay. God knows how grateful I am for Lulu for doing all of this for me.

When March rolled by, Enrique called me again. I was looking forward to our anniversary because I'm going to Baguio to meet him again. Nag-search pa ako ng iilang restaurant kung saan kami pwedeng kumain at mag-celebrate. Now that I have my own money, I can finally split the bills with him when it comes to this.

"Avery, I'm sorry," bungad niya kaagad sa akin pagkasagot ng tawag. Bumagsak kaagad ang mga balikat ko dahil alam ko na ang kasunod nito. "Hindi ako makakalabas ng academy."

"G-Ganun ba?" I swallowed the lump in my throat. I know I shouldn't sound so disappointed, but I can't help myself.

"Majority of my classmates failed the marksmanship training kaya extended ng 15 hours ang training namin. Even those who passed are not allowed to go..."

I bit my lower lip, trying my best to understand him. "Ayos lang, Enrique. Uuwi nalang ako sa La Union, bibisitahin ko si Tita..." sabi ko nalang.

"I'm really, really sorry, Avery..." he sighed on the other line.

"Ayos lang, 'no! Hindi naman alam ng PMA na third-year anniversary natin sa Sabado. Duh!" Biro ko pa para lang gumaan ang tension sa aming dalawa.

"I can't even call you that day so... happy anniversary, Avery..." matamlay niyang bati.

"Happy anniversary, din." Tipid ko namang sagot.

When the phone call ended, I stared at the paper bag in front of me. I was planning on giving him a new hoodie as a gift. Nagbuntong-hininga nalang ako at nahiga sa kama, iniisip na hindi lang ito ang unang beses na hindi nakapunta si Enrique sa mga plano naming dalawa.

The last year in college is always the most challenging, regardless of your course. Para sa aming mag-aaral ng sikolohiya, patong-patong na mga readings, case studies, at thesis ang inaatupag namin. Imbes na makatulog ako galing sa trabaho ay nagpupunta ako sa bahay ng mga thesis mates ko para makatulong. Napapagalitan ulit ako ng mga professors dahil nakakaidlip na naman ako sa klase. Pagod na pagod ako mula umaga hanggang gabi at ang tanging pahinga ko lang ay sa tuwing nakikita ko si Chuchay na matiyagang naghihintay sa akin sa labas pagkauwi ko.

Enrique is now a first-class cadet. He has his own plebes to handle. Ngayong graduating ay mas dumami na rin ang mga activities nila. May OJT rin sila sa Taguig kaya baka magkita ulit kami kung magtatama ang schedule namin.

"Ilang buwan na kitang hindi nakikita, hindi ba pwedeng kahit isang oras lang?"

I tried to hide my irritation. Wala pa akong tulog at ang tawag kaagad ni Enrique ang gumising sa akin. He's complaining about not being able to see me while he's rendering his internship at Fort Bonifacio.

"Sinabi ko na sa'yo, may kailangan pa kaming i-revise sa thesis namin. Magd-defend na kami ngayong Lunes!"

"Bakit? Inako mo na naman ba lahat ng responsibilidad sa thesis na yan?"

I sighed out loud. "I did not! Enrique, if I fail this thesis, I won't be able to graduate on time! Alam mo naman yun, diba?!"

Tumahimik siya sa kabilang linya. Nagsisi kaagad ako sa biglaang pagtaas ng boses ko. Hindi ko namalayan ang paglandas ng mga luha ko sa sobrang stress at pagod at ngayon, sa away naming dalawa.

"I'm sorry..." hikbi ko.

"I'm sorry, too. I just really wanted to see you..." he said silently.

"I wanted to see you too but... I really can't. I'm sorry."

We said our sorry's and fixed our problems before ending the call but I knew that day, something shifted between the two of us.

I poured blood, sweat, and tears just to make it through the finals. Pinapagalitan na ako ni Lulu dahil ilang beses na niya akong nahuling nagkaka-nose bleed dahil sa sobrang puyat at pagod.

"You really have to quit that job, Avery!" Paalala niya ulit sa akin. "Ayokong nakikita kang ganito!"

"Ayos lang ako, Lulu..." ang paulit-ulit ko namang sinasabi sa kaniya.

She gave me a look of pity and shook her head. Alam kong nauubos na rin ang pasensiya niya sa akin. I couldn't do it, quitting my job... even if I wanted to. Ang daming bayarin sa school at pati na rin sa bahay. Wala namang nagbago sa allowance na pinapadala ni Tita pero ang laki ng itinaas ng bayarin ko simula nang lumipat ako dito sa apartment. If I quit right now, I won't be able to pay our electricity bills, our water bill, and sustain Chuchay's dog food and regular check ups.

"Perez, Sayson, Del Monte, at Villano. You have two days to revise your paper before the defense. I won't accept this."

I wanted to cry back then because it seemed everything was going wrong despite my efforts. Instead, I blinked back my tears and went on. Kahit na hindi matatawag na best ang thesis namin. Kahit na pasang-awa nalang. Kailangan ko lang talagang gumraduate. Gusto kong gumraduate.

"Sa Ring Hop Ceremony namin, ikaw sana ang gusto kong magsuot ng singsing, Avery..."

Naiyak na ako nang tuluyan sa narinig. Despite our fights and misunderstandings lately, he still wanted me to slip the bull ring on his finger. It's a long-standing tradition of graduating first-class cadets to choose a person closest to their hearts for the Ring Hop Ceremony. He had his mother before me... he'd always loved his mother. And yet, he still chose me.

And the fact that I couldn't go...

"I messed up our thesis, Enrique..." silent tears slid down my cheeks as I try to gather the courage to tell him. "I... can't go."

There was a long silence between us, as if he's trying to see if I'm still there. If I'm still here, in this relationship. I used to love the comfortable silence between us, but now, it feels like my heart is being stabbed to pieces.

"Pero pupunta ka naman sa graduation, diba?" Mahinang tanong niya sa akin.

"Of course, of course I'll go! I can't miss your graduation... I'll go."

"Are we still okay?"

Hindi kaagad ako nakasagot sa tanong niya. Minsan, ramdam ko na rin ang pagod niya sa sunod-sunod naming pag-aaway. He couldn't get mad at me, but I could feel him slipping away with each fight we had because of our busy schedules and the distance that tore us apart.

"Okay tayo, Enrique..." bulong ko. "Okay pa tayo."

"Good. That's all I wanted to hear."

Instead of breaking down like I always do after each long-distance call with him, I shed a few tears and put on a new shirt.

I can't cry right now, I still have my thesis to defend.