(prompt: 'hot' April 30, 2021)

"So you think teachers have it tough today?" Mr. Samuels closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He had no wish to be IMPOLITE, but a tone of disgust crept into his voice. "I wish I could express REGRET in sharing these hot off the press."

It was his final opportunity to inscribe yesterday's trials on the hearts of his class of student teachers. With great relish, Mr. Samuels handed out copies of the list, along with his asides for a 'take-home-to-study-at-leisure'... "intended to ensure you are fully aware of your great good fortune in living in this great age... and NOT that one!"

RULES FOR TEACHERS, 1872

1. TEACHERS EACH DAY WILL FILL LAMPS, CLEAN CHIMNEYS.

We have had lamps that needed filling, back in our country years. Used them through power breaks. One was truly old, the other a camping supply store model, where they will never go out of fashion.

Clean the chimney? Find a chimney sweep today? Perhaps a certain gent at the North Pole can recommend someone?!?

2. EACH TEACHER WILL BRING A BUCKET OF WATER AND A SCUTTLE OF COAL FOR THE DAY'S SESSION.

The yesteryear equivalent of the fire extinguisher? We have an antique brass coal scuttle, but don't think it's the type referred to here. Ours is definitely only for show.

3. MAKE YOUR PENS CAREFULLY. YOU MAY WHITTLE NIBS TO THE INDIVIDUAL TASTE OF THE PUPILS.

My father, the butcher, used to whittle my pencils with his biggest butcher-knife, but I never witnessed whittling of nibs.

4. MEN TEACHERS MAY TAKE ONE EVENING EACH WEEK FOR COURTING PURPOSES, OR TWO EVENINGS A WEEK IF THEY GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY.

Aha! And courting in designated church time? Like the choirboys? One more evening OK then? And women teachers may take (??) hours?

5. AFTER TEN HOURS IN SCHOOL, THE TEACHERS MAY SPEND THE REMAINING TIME READING THE BIBLE OR OTHER GOOD BOOKS.

Even if near-blind, if his nose is buried deep in a good book - DO NOT DISTURB.

6. WOMEN TEACHERS WHO MARRY OR ENGAGE IN UNSEEMLY CONDUCT WILL BE DISMISSED

And women who marry AND engage in unseemly conduct?? Or get engaged and behave??

7. EVERY TEACHER SHOULD LAY ASIDE FROM EACH PAY A GOODLY SUM OF HIS EARNINGS FOR HIS BENEFIT DURING HIS DECLINING YEARS SO THAT HE WILL NOT BECOME A BURDEN ON SOCIETY.

Seriously? A benevolent Government would reward you at the end of decades of blood, sweat and tears spent on their behalf?!?

8. ANY TEACHER WHO SMOKES, USES LIQUOR IN ANY FORM, FREQUENTS POOL OR PUBLIC HALLS, OR GETS SHAVED IN A BARBER SHOP WILL GIVE GOOD REASON TO SUSPECT HIS WORTH, INTENTION, INTEGRITY AND HONESTY.

See. The worst of BAD habits are communicable diseases that live in the Barber's razor. Aha! The reason no doubt for all the bearded men across history's pages!

9. THE TEACHER WHO PERFORMS HIS LABOR FAITHFULLY AND WITHOUT FAULT FOR FIVE YEARS WILL BE GIVEN AN INCREASE OF TWO SHILLINGS AND FIVE PENCE PER WEEK IN HIS PAY, PROVIDING THE BOARD OF EDUCATION APPROVES.

Given the above list of rules, the excessive wage would be unlikely to be approved by the said bored Board...

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board

~ Mark Twain

Cover photo by Mwesigwa Joel on Unsplash

Mr. Samuels' wise homilies (and groaners) by Christine Larsen