june 15, 1995 saturday

Jade and i started hanging out after that time. every time i walk towards my bench, i would always find her seated on the opposite end of where i usually sat. i would sit down very far away from her, but then when she knew it was me on the other end, she would always come closer to my side and ask the same goddamn question:

"did you do it again?"

i nodded this time, still feeling the sting of the fresh wounds and subtly winced at the pain, and a frown crept up onto her face.

"i told you that there is an apparent egress from every predicament," she told me, for the umpteenth time now (and counting . . .)

"i know," i said.

"including yours."

"i know."

"then why are you not taking it?" she asks.

"because i wanna kill myself," i answered bluntly and simply, which prompted Jade to heave a what sounds like a frustrated sigh. for a moment, i thought that maybe this is my chance to finally get rid of her.

"you have a bodacious body," Jade said, inducing my eyes to widen at such unanticipated remark. then she continued, "Perrie, you have a bodacious body, an eye-catching physique rather. you have a fetching visage and i believe that you have a virtuous temperament as well."

"no, i don't," i said.

"yes, you do. i know that you do. and i know that because we wouldn't be friends if you didn't . . ." Jade said, which kinda made sense to me too.

i sighed, "well, then, i guess i have to be rude to get rid of you."

"Perrie," Jade said, "as your best friend, i will not give you permission to indulge yourself in this . . . behavior that is not morally good."

"you are not my best friend."

"i am your best friend whether you like it or not, Perrie," Jade says sternly. she reached for my hand and immediately let go once she saw me wincing and recoiled at the pain again. "i'm sorry. i didn't know the cuts were there, too . . ."

"it's okay," i said, and gestured to her. "please continue."

she nodded and remained her composure. she cleared her throat. "as i was saying, i don't want to see anybody like this. especially someone like you."

"someone like me?"

"someone who hasn't lived at least half of her life is what i meant," she answered. and i nodded for her to continue which she gladly did. "how old are you, Perrie? if i may be so bold to ask."

"fifteen," i answered.

"i'm eighteen," Jade says, even though i didn't even ask for hers but i also didn't want to be disrespectful to a stranger who was more than willing to lend me a helping hand. "can i ask you something?"

i nodded, dubious.

"what was your reason?"

"my reason?" i asked, and Jade lifted a disbelieving eyebrow at me as if she couldn't believe that i'm that stupid. i sighed, "Hazel, my best friend, said 'yes' to Paul on the day i wanted to ask her."

"heartbreak is your personal reason then," Jade says, nodding.

"it's not just heartbreak, Jade," i said, grabbing her attention as she looked at me expectantly. i heaved a sigh once again, "i felt betrayed as well. because she told me that she would wait for me to ask her, that she will say 'no' to Paul because she wanted to be with me . . ."

Jade nodded sympathetically. "excruciation, betrayal, affliction, tribulation . . . all in one heartbreaking moment. really?"

"you have no idea how hurt i was. it was a travail for me."

"i've been there before, you know," she shared. "but never have i ever even thought about killing myself."

"we're opposites, then," i said.

the girl opened her mouth for a few moments, then slowly closed it. and for the first time in my life have i ever seen someone speechless and unable to speak. it was silent for a few moments, until she spoke again.

"don't let one mere rejection distress you. you look like you needed a friend and so i am right here for you." Jade flashed me an auspicious smile and i thought for a second that this anguish that i have propelled myself in would lead me to the opened gates of ecstasy and felicity. because that's what this girl made me feel like.

"nobody wants to be my friend," i said.

"i do," she said.

"yeah, only you."

and i saw hurt flashed through her eyes, and she didn't bother to hide it, which made me feel even worse and guilty for saying it.

"i'm sorry," i apologized.

she nodded. "it's okay. you remind me of myself when i was fifteen, too. rude, disrespectful, uncouth, offensive, course, impertinent. what else . . . aha! vulgar, impudent, contemptuous, disdainful, abhorrent, scornful, insolent, discourteous . . ."

and believe me, u.l.o.r.m.l., she had more to say but i was too tired and somehow extremely prostrated to name the rest of the complex adjectives that described me or her fifteen-year-old self.

"Philippe, my friend that i told you about a few days ago when we first met? the dude who attempted to commit suicide by leaping off the building?" Jade says, and i nodded, indicating that i had remembered. she imitated my action before resuming, "yesterday, when i was going home, there were many people encompassing one certain area, which is in front of the entrance of my apartment. and being the curious and inquisitive girl i am, i decided to check what was going on  . . ."

"why do i have a bad premonition that something dreadful had happened that time . . .?" i asked, and just like her, i was curious.

Jade smiled at me, but it was a different smile, a doleful and inadequate one. "that's because whatever you're thinking right now is true. Philippe leaped off the building, and i didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him."

"he was heartbroken?" i questioned

"he was like you," Jade said. and i nodded understandingly.

"so what's your point?" i asked.

"what he did . . . was so selfish."

"he was heartbroken."

"that is no excuse, Perrie. it is still selfish. he wanted to kill himself without thinking about me, of our friendship and of what we could have done together. but it was also my fault, too. because i couldn't save him, because i was selfish too for my own reasons." Jade held my hand at this point, her thumb circling the gap between my forefinger and my thumb. "that's not the point. the point is, Perrie, i don't want that to happen to anyone. nobody deserves to die that way, not even those who did wrong to others. and i am begging you right now to change your mind about suicide, because it won't just destroy you but it will destroy your loved ones as well."

"like i said before, nobody loves me. i have no loved ones," i said, and Jade shook her head.

"i do. i will always love you, Perrie. don't do this to yourself. if not for me then at least for yourself because your life, though you might not know about it, is precious," Jade pleaded.

and those, my friend, are the precise words that i carry around in my head every single day with Jade Thirlwall.

i love you, unidentified-living-organism-reading-my-letters.

p.e.