october 20, 1995 thursday

hello again, unidentified-living-organism-reading-my-letters. it has been a long time since i've written a letter to you and may i say that i missed it. a lot actually.

Jade has a boyfriend now. his name is Jeremy McCallister. and may i say that i do like him.
i wasn't complaining though, because it seems like Jeremy has been taking good care of her. although i wished that i would be in his position, because if there's something similar between me and him, that is being in love with the same girl.

that's right, u.l.o.r.m.l., i am in love with Jade Thirlwall and i don't know what to do about it. Jade and Jeremy were together for four consecutive months now, starting from the day after she told me that she will always love me. it turns out that she's been seeing this Jeremy guy for a while now and i only found out about it a week after Jeremy asked her to be his girlfriend, and coincidentally, i was supposed to ask Jade to be my girlfriend, too.

you must think i'm such a presumptuous and bold girl to even ask a viably straight girl like Jade but if i may digress, i would like to say that Jade was the one who admitted her feelings to me surprisingly prior to me admitting to myself that i am in love with her. and that is the justification of my doings.

it was a week before Jade and Jeremy were exclusive when Jade and i sat down together on the same usual bench once again. Jade asked me if i did it again, and i told her that i didn't, and she was happy. she then proceeded to tell me how relieved she was and how happy she was to finally restrain one of the most imperative people in her life--which is me, by the way--from taking away his or her life (in my case, her). and i thanked her for being there for me, and she nodded in response and held me in-between her arms, tightly if i may add.

a few minutes later, she loosened her hold on me and leaned back, her face a few centineters away from mine but this time, i felt calm and wasn't feeling anything except for the butterflies in my stomach.

"i have to tell you something," she told me.

"what is it?" i asked. and then she took a few deep breaths and exhaled, she did that for a good minute as i watched her.

"can you promise me not to freak out?"

though i couldn't promise anything, i nodded anyway. "i promise."

"because it's been a few days since we've known each other and honestly, i've . . . never felt like this with someone before."

"i don't understand," i said.

"i'm in love with you," she abruptly spoke.

"what?" i asked, my eyebrows were raised in astonishment.

"i'm in love with you," Jade reiterated.

"you can't be," i said.

"why not?" she asked

"because we don't know each other that well."

"i know you well enough to realize that you're the one for me."

"no," i said, shaking my head and trying to pull away but Jade's grip was too tight and it was arduous for me to free myself from her clutch.

"yes," she said. "why do you resist the urge of kissing me right now?"

"excuse me?"

"i know that you've been coveting to kiss me and now that you have your chance, why are you not taking it?"

"because i don't like you that way," i answered, utterly creeped out.

"but you want to kiss me . . ."

"i . . . i do," i admitted, and could almost feel the heat radiating from Jade's body at how close we currently are. "but i can't."

"why not?" she asks, leaning closer, and i am honestly exerting my effort to try to remain my composure and vehemently resist it.

"because . . ."

and that was the moment i felt her lips colliding with my own. and it was then i realized that Jade Thirlwall was my salvation. she helped me through my worst times and was there for my best. she was with me during my temporary remission of depression. she was my best friend whom i thought i wouldn't fall in love with. but boy was i wrong when she held me in-between her arms and kissed me with so much passion.

i wished i could take back that moment and rephrase everything that i've said to her. i wished i did, because then she would be with me right now and i would be with her. every step of the way.

i was too late, i guess.

i love you, unidentified-living-organism-reading-my-letters.

p.e.