december 25, 1999, sunday

hello again, unidentified-living-organism-reading-my-letters. it has been four years since i last wrote to you and i deeply apologize for that.

Jade has a husband now. but she didn't even tell me about it. the last time we spoke was when she was moving to Orlando.

Jade and i were disposing her things inside her boxes and placing them on the back of her pick-up truck when she stopped walking and spun around unexpectedly, prompting me to halt as well.

"why didn't you ask me out when i broke things off with Jeremy?" Jade asked me, and i was too caught off guard that i just stared at her, surprised.

"what?" i asked.

"i wanted you to pursue me, Perrie. i wanted you to fight for me. i saw the way you looked at me when i told you that i broke up with him, Perrie, and i swore that that look was the look that i gave you when i told you i loved you."

"Jade . . ."

"am i right or am i wrong?" she asked, and i could see it in her eyes how determined she was to force me to divulge the truth to her.

"you broke up with him because you're in love with me?"

"don't answer a question with a question, Perrie."

i sighed. if there's anything i learned from day one of my heartbreak days, that is to be truthful with yourself and with everyone. because lies will just cripple you over and over like as if you are sitting by yourself on the shore with the waves splashing across you, like as if its intention was to drown you repeatedly. i realized that when Jade confessed her feelings to me, and i refused to confess my own and give out a false sentence.

"Jade, i . . . i am in love with you."

and then it was quiet and i couldn't look at her in the eyes anymore so i began to focus my gaze on my feet.

"see how easy that was?" Jade asked after a few dreadful moments of silence. i looked up at her, and she looked at me incredulously, as if she couldn't believe what was happening right now. "Perrie, you could've just told me that but you didn't. i could've given you a chance if you just . . . be honest with me. and now look at us. i'm leaving to Orlando and you will be left here alone."

"Jade, don't leave."

"why?"

"because i don't want you to leave me. i . . . i'm sorry if i wasn't being completely honest with you but you have to understand how much i love you. i . . . i just don't know how to show it to you."

Jade watched me probably figuratively crumbling down on the floor already and it felt like hell, because i wanted her to say something right now to make me feel calm again. but i assumed that since she hasn't said anything, maybe Jade doesn't wanna be with me anymore and believe me when i say that the idea of her leaving me could deteriorate my soul.

"then why are you just standing right there? why aren't you doing anything?" she asked.

"what?"

"kiss me," she said.

and i did kiss her. and she kissed back. and that was that.

after i helped her with her stuff, Jade dropped me home before leaving the town and visiting her grandfather and sleep in for the night because her flight is tomorrow at noon. when i was about to open the passenger door of the vehicle, Jade stopped me and she told me that she loved me so much and that she was glad to have a best friend like me by her side all the time and i told her i felt the same with her.

"don't stop loving me please," she told me. "because i will never stop loving you no matter what happens."

"okay," i said.

"i love you so much, Perrie. you have no idea," she said.

i nodded and gave her a small smile. "okay."

"i'm sorry i have to leave you like this," she said.

"it's fine," i said.

"i love you," she said

"okay," i said

and then i left, not knowing that that would be the last time i got to see her.

Let me tell you one thing, u.l.o.r.m.l., Jade Thirlwall was my best friend, and she was my everything.

i'm sorry. i couldn't continue this anymore. i just feel like shit right now. i'm so sorry.

just know that i love you, unidentified-living-organism-reading-my-letters. and i will never stop loving you because you were there for me when i needed you, that you are just a letter away. please do understand that i needed space and would probably isolate myself from now on. because even though you are reading this, i know that i couldn't get a response from you because . . . well, i don't know you and you don't know me.

i wanna cry on your shoulder right now. but i believe you don't wanna be bothered anymore.

goodbye.