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CHAPTER THIRTEEN
thanks for the memories.
season two, episode nine.

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It was weird for Billie to spend even a day without drinking her typical carton of apple juice. At this point, it had become a regular doing in her life, as her life (literally) depended on it. She needed that daily dose of sugar in order to be able to get through her day.

Ever since she was a child, her mother used to pour a cup of sweetened apple juice for breakfast every morning, along with her favorite cereal. After that, it just became a habit. Even after her mom died and the LeBlanc home turned into a hostile habitat, you would never catch their fridge lacking the typical sachet of apple juice.

When Billie was way too young to go out along, it was Ian, her brother, who bought it for her. Then, she started doing it herself, replacing the big carton for the smaller ones in order to be able to take them with her to school.

Her father sometimes yelled at her. Told her she'd get cavities. But he'd forgotten how much it meant to her, how much she needed it. With time, she'd stopped reminding him.

It was weird for Billie to spend even a day without drinking her typical carton of apple juice. She was a routine person, she never missed her apple juice. But lately, she'd been distracted.

For the past few days, her mind had been entirely occupied by none other than Alex Karev. She woke up thinking of him, spent her day thinking of him and went to sleep thinking of him. And since she didn't sleep, she thought of him then, too. Dreamed of him, if she managed to doze off for a while. When she ate, when she drank, when she worked. All the time.

Billie and Alex hadn't talked for exactly a week now (it's not like they were counting, or anything). Needless to say, they missed each other to very cores, but it freaked them both out to feel so damn attached to someone they barely knew. But they just felt comfortable with one another. Way too comfortable.

It was weird for Billie to spend even a day without drinking her typical carton of apple juice. But lately, she hadn't been doing so.

☆

That morning, despite Izzie's unceasing complaints, Billie was adamant on skipping the Thanksgiving dinner, so she explicitly stated it before she left towards the hospital without another word. She promised the blonde she'd be back by six only to get her off her ass, but she wasn't so sure she'd be keeping her promise.

It wasn't something she was planning on telling, but the reason Billie hated Thanksgiving so much was because it used to be her mother's favorite day before she died. And, naturally, anything that would remotely remind Billie of her mother was something she hated.

Billie arrived at the hospital to a shift with no rounds since there weren't any interns. She wasn't feeling that great today; she'd woken up feeling light-headed and she was also starving, which wasn't doing any wonders to her mood. Quickly, she changed into her scrubs in the locker room alongside Meredith, and now, Bailey was walking into the space, holding a chart and directing specifically to the two girls.

"Grey, Black," the resident called out. "We're working with a temp attending today: Dr. Kent. He's subbing in from Mercy West. We need to get him oriented. And thank you two for volunteering to come in. Saved me from having to choose interns to torture."

"Happy to be tortured," Meredith chanted.

"Yeah." Billie cleared her throat.

Bailey frowned. "Are you okay, Black? You're looking a little pale."

"I'm fine. I just don't really like Thanksgiving," she replied, jumping to her feet as she tied up her hair, since she was sweating profusely.

"Not a fan?" the resident asked, walking out of the locker room with the two interns behind her.

"Hate it," she said, deadpan.

"Not a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for," Meredith added.

"Well... I like Thanksgiving. A day people spend with their families," Bailey began cheerfully before her speech took a volatile turn, just as the three women walked into the elevator. "Too much family time triggers depression, repressed childhood rage, bitter disputes over the remote and way too much alcohol. People get stupid, people get violent, people get hurt."

"And that's a good thing because...?"

"Surgeries, kids. Lots and lots of surgeries."

"That's a nice way to put it." Billie smiled.

"I never thought of that," the blonde added.

"The stupidity of the human race, Black, Grey- be thankful for that."

☆

"Dr. Kent?" Bailey, Billie and Meredith walked up to a man in green scrubs. "I'm the surgical resident assisting you today. I know you're subbing in from Mercy West, so if there's anything I can do to help you-"

The three women were following the attending when he cut Bailey off.

"Look, I'm here for one day. I don't need my ass kissed. All I need is to tell you what to do and you do it, and I don't like mistakes." He turned to speak at them harshly.

The resident immediately looked annoyed, which was an expression she usually saved for her interns, but wasn't trying to do anything to hide right now. Billie rolled her eyes at the man, without any discretion.

"I don't make mistakes," Bailey deadpanned.

"Whatever. There's only one resident I want in my OR; guy they call the Nazi. Do you know him?" Kent asked briefly.

"The... Nazi?"

"He gets great word of mouth, stellar rep, balls the size of Texas."

"That big?" Bailey asked sarcastically. "Sounds like an impressively talented man, this Nazi."

"Do you know him or not?" The attending rolled his eyes.

"Never heard of him!" the resident said innocently. "But I'll be sure to keep an eye out."

"For now, you can work on smaller cases. A guy just came in to curtain three. Page me if you get confused," Kent said before walking away.

"I'll be sure to do that." Bailey rolled her eyes once the man wasn't looking.

Billie and Meredith laughed under their breaths.

"Like I said-" Bailey began. "-the stupidity of the human race."

☆

There weren't many interesting cases in the ER, so Billie, as she wasn't feeling so great, decided to stay on scut. Now, she found herself sitting behind the nurses station (she had slipped a twenty to nurse Tyler to get his seat for a whole forty minutes, and now, there she was), her forehead pressed against the desk, since it was cold and she felt way too hot. Maybe she had a fever.

"Hey, there. Happy Thanksgiving," Derek greeted, approaching her and leaning against the counter.

"Fuck you," she replied.

Soon, he noticed the state she was in, and frowned in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yup. Just fine." Billie pulled up a thumbs-up.

"You don't look so good."

"I might have a fever. But I'm okay." She sat up straight and looked at him. "You needed something?"

"Uhm..." Derek eyed her worriedly and placed the back of his hand against her forehead. "Can I check you up for a second? Just to make sure you're fine."

"What? No way. I'm okay. I'm just bored," she was quick to say.

"You better be. I'm not gonna be there to catch you if you collapse in the OR."

"Well, lucky for you, no one asked you to," she said.

"Why are you so bitchy?"

"What? I'm not. I just really hate Thanksgiving."

"Hm." Derek still wasn't convinced, but as he was about to ask if she had eaten anything today, he received a 911 page to the ER. "I have to go. Please, take care."

"Yeah, yeah."

☆

"Fuck," Billie muttered under her breath when she caught sight of Alex striding down the hall towards her.

Immediately, in a frenzied panic, she searched everywhere for hiding spots until she finally saw the curtain of the window. She ran over to it, hid behind it and hoped not to be spotted. However, when she heard footsteps stepping right in front of her, she cursed under her breath.

"Billie," Alex called her. "I can see your feet."

Immediately, Billie pulled back her feet, away from his line of view. She heard him chuckle.

"Why are you hiding from me?" he asked, amused.

"I'm not hiding."

"No?"

"No. I hang out here a lot. It's comfortable, the curtains are quite-" Billie stopped herself once she noticed that the curtains actually appeared to have never been washed. "-uh, decorous."

Alex, once again, laughed. "Can we talk? Come out."

"I'm fine here, thanks."

"Billie," he said.

"Alex."

He bit down on his lip. "Okay, we'll just talk through the curtain. Why are you avoiding me?"

"I don't wanna talk to you," she said.

"Why not?"

"I just don't want to."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like it. Leave me alone."

Alex huffed and pushed the curtain away, revealing a hunched over Billie against the wall. She looked at him dead in the eye and the first thing he noticed was her anger, written all over her face. But then, the other thing he noticed about her face was the paleness of it.

"Dude, are you okay?" He frowned. "You look like you're dying of the fucking plague or something."

"Tsk, I'm fine," she said quickly, skipping past him to walk away.

He caught up to her in a matter of seconds. "Please stop running away from me, I'm tryna have a conversation with you. You're not cooperating."

"Has it occurred to you that maybe, I don't know, I just don't want to?" she suggested.

"I don't get why you're so mad that I kissed you."

"Because, Alex."

He waited for her to say something else, but she didn't.

"Wow. Great contribution, Billie, really. You amaze me."

"Fuck you." She rolled her eyes and wiped some sweat from her forehead.

Alex frowned and without second thought, gripped her arm to stop her. She tried prying herself off, but he pulled her in towards him and then tagged her along as he made his way into an empty room. Once they were in, he shut the door and trapped them both inside.

"Hey! What are you doing? Let me out," Billie complained.

"Not until you talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

"God, fucking... Jesus Christ." She ran her hand over her face exasperatedly. "Can't you see that I'm mad at you? Why do you keep pushing? Geez."

"Because I wanna know why. We were all okay."

"Yeah, right. Exactly. We were all okay until you go and fucking kiss me."

"I don't get the problem!"

"You shouldn't have!" she finally yelled. "You shouldn't have fucking kissed me, Alex! It was really not considerate of you."

"Why not!"

"Because!" Billie threw her hands in the air. "Jesus, Alex. You're fucking me up. You told me you liked Izzie, you were going out on dates with her, and then you do that... you have no idea how much you confuse me."

Alex looked at her. "You confuse me, too."

"No, I don't. Not the way you do me." She shook her head.

Her heart beat loudly in her ear, the warmth swarming her cervical, making her skin perspire sweat relentlessly.

"Alex, I..." she said, but felt dizzy all of a sudden. "Fuck, sorry. Hold on."

Billie pinned her eyes shut and leant in in order to press her forehead against Alex's chest. Immediately, a pang of concern hit him so he grabbed her arms.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just... wait. Fuck." Her breathing shallowed.

Suddenly, her knees gave out beneath her, just as a sharp pain pierced through her chest. She moaned in pain and collapsed on herself, but didn't get to hit the floor, as Alex was able to catch her and put her down softly. Billie was panting heavily, her skin pale and sweaty.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he said. "Are you okay? Billie, what's happening?"

"I don't- I can't-" she panted, unable to get enough oxygen into her system. "Hypoglycemia."

Alex frowned.

"Okay, uh..." he thought quickly, swallowing, as his throat had suddenly become bone-dry. "Uh, y- your glucose must have bottomed out."

"Yeah, I just- I, I need anything... candy, apple- apple juice. Whatever."

"Okay, yes. Wait here."

Alex laid her down on the ground and immediately ran out of the room, leaving the door open. Billie panted heavily, shaking and sweating from head to toes. Her head spun around and her limbs felt numb, so she had to delve her nails into her palms to regain some sense.

It felt like ages before Alex came back, even though it was probably just a few minutes. When he did, he carried in his hand various packs of Twizzlers and two cartons of apple juice. Billie sat upright however she could as he opened one of the cartons and stuck the plastic straw inside it, then, handed it to her. She began drinking the sugary beverage.

"Lie down on my chest," Alex told her.

He sat against the wall and urged Billie to lay down against him, holding her closely.

"Your limbs, are they- are your limbs numb?" he asked, his voice shaky due to the worry.

"Yeah."

Alex grabbed her hands and squeezed them. Softly, he started massaging her fingers, taping his nails against her skin, trying to get her to regain her senses. A few minutes went by and Billie's breath started normalizing.

"Fuck," she hissed out, still rather breathlessly.

"Here, eat this," Alex said, opening one of the pack of Twizzlers.

She took the candy and ate slowly. Then looked up at him with heavy lids.

"Thanks," she said. "Sorry."

Alex frowned. "What for?"

"I don't know. It's never happened to me in front of anyone. It's embarrassing." Billie clicked her tongue.

"No, it's not. You can't control it. Don't be sorry about it." He shook his head vehemently. "Don't ever feel embarrassed for it."

She bit her lip. "I must have forgotten to eat."

Alex looked at her longingly, now, simply taking pleasure in being able to hold her hands. "I didn't know you were diabetic."

"Yeah, no one does. It's not something I go around telling everyone." She chuckled. "Type 1. My father, he had it, too. And my brother probably does as well, I don't know. We never talked about that."

Alex listened carefully.

"Is that why you always drink that crap?" he asked, gesturing with his head towards the carton of apple juice on Billie's shaky hands.

"Yeah, pretty much. Insulin makes my glucose bottom out, but if I don't take it, the diabetes kills me." She laughed again. "God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I forgot."

"It's okay," Alex reassured immediately, kissing her head. "You're alright now. Don't call yourself stupid, you're not."

Billie smiled just a little. "I'm still mad at you, you know?"

He laughed. "Yeah, I know."

☆

Billie still felt really ashamed about her episode after her and Alex parted ways. She hated that he now knew, because she'd worked so hard this past couple of weeks simply to hide it from everyone- and seriously, it wasn't easy. Four bolus insulin injections a day and bruises on her stomach and thighs weren't something that she could just pretend shrug away. And now, she absolutely loathed the fact that a little slip had led her to this.

It didn't happen often, Billie made sure of that. But the last couple of days, she'd barely been taking care of herself, and it had resulted in this.

She spent the rest of the day hiding from everyone. Derek made a comment about her appearance again, told her she looked much better, and she simply shrugged it off by telling him she had forgotten to eat anything and that's why she'd been sulking all day, but she felt okay now.

Billie even heard from someone at some point that Bailey was looking for her to put her on some case, but she hid out in the tunnels for a good two hours until she was clear, and then made it her job to avoid meeting anyone she knew for the rest of the day. She could have just gone home, but in that case, she would have had to stand Izzie and her goddamn Thanksgiving dinner, which she'd rather not do.

That's why she wasted her time eating Twizzlers from the vending machine and chatting with he nurses, bored out of her mind. Until she couldn't postpone it anymore (mostly because Izzie was blowing up her phone with messages telling her to come home right away) and had to rush back to Meredith's.

Now, Billie found herself pulling up in the driveway of her house, just in time for Izzie's Thanksgiving dinner.

She jumped out of her car and embraced the rain as soon as it washed over her. She didn't mind getting herself soaked, which was why she didn't rush her way to the porch. She walked calmly, standing a second in front of the door before she pushed it open and made her way into the foyer, dripping from head to toes.

From the kitchen, the warm aroma of garlic and cooked turkey lingered in the air, reaching Billie's nostrils and making her breathe in hastily. With tire, she kicked off her shoes, hung her coat on the rack and walked into the dining room, where Izzie, Cristina, George and Burke were sat at the table, enjoying the meal. The air was thick, filled by the sounds of laughter and happiness and family.

She hated it.

She did notice, thought, the three empty chairs; hers, Meredith's and Alex's. For a second, she frowned.

"Look who decided to show up!" Izzie smiled once she saw a drenched Billie standing under the sill of the living room. Everybody's eyes fixated on hers.

"I..." She swallowed thickly, eyes lodged tightly on the spot that was meant to be Alex's. "Alex didn't- he didn't show up?"

As in sync, everybody's gazes moved towards the spot where Billie was staring at. Izzie seemed more disappointed than the rest that those had been her first words, but she didn't make it noticeably.

"Yeah. Bit of a dick move, if you ask me." She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, taking a sip from her glass of red wine. "Why don't you come sit?"

The brunette paused. Her thoughts were rallying in every direction.

"No, I..." Billie swallowed again, mouth dry. "I think I need to go."

Everybody was shocked for a second, but she didn't give anyone much time to process her words before she was leaving again. She sprinted back into the foyer and grabbed her boots and coat, then opened the door, left the house and jumped into the car without even bothering to put her shoes on.

☆

Again, Billie was dripping wet due to the rain. Her hair was thick and darkened due to the cold raindrops that were tethered within it; her clothes damp and heavy because of the unceasing downpour; her skin cold and drenched to the bone with the evidence of the thunderstorm that wreaked havoc just past the window.

Billie was dripping wet as she ran up the stairs of the building frantically, leaving behind a trail of water, stains in the form of steps that now littered the old carpet. She had somehow managed to put on her combat boots while she drove and now here she was.

She had desperately gone all the way from Meredith's house to the building where he lived, her hands shaking in anticipation with only one clear goal set in her mind. She was shivering, but the cold wasn't her primary focus right now.

Billie was still dripping wet as she used a soaked fist to pound heavily on the door to his apartment, the clock hitting midnight just as she did. At first, there was no answer, so the desperation to her act caused her to raise her fist again and knock on the door with more urgency. The whole wall shook.

"I'M COMING, FUCK!" His voice on the other side of the door came out muffled, followed by the noise of shifting as well as something falling. It sounded as if he'd fallen.

Once she heard him, however, she felt somewhat better. Her heart was still beating oppressively, constant and unceasing, clammy hands wouldn't stop shaking and her chest heaved up and down desperately, pants echoing in the hallway at midnight of a Tuesday night.

Billie was dripping wet when she heard the lock click on the other side of the wall, and she was still dripping wet by the time the door finally opened.

Alex was wearing simple clothes; grey sweatpants and a navy blue t-shirt that looked like it had just been thrown on. His hair was a little messy, maybe because he had just woken up from his sleep. He seemed angry (he usually was), but the emotion quickly withered away as soon as he recognized her.

His wide eyes fell to her wet hair, her wet clothes, her wet skin. Hand still on the door, Alex looked her up and down, lips parted slightly in shock and complete uncertainty as to what to do.

"Billie," he called out her name.

The woman in question was panting when she spoke the simple monosyllable that would change her life. "Yes."

"Yes?" Alex frowned.

"Yes, I want it back." She swallowed thickly in short-lived anticipation, face blanching beforehand and stray wet hairs framing her face.

"Want what back?" He was buried in complete puzzlement.

"The kiss you stole," she said, breath hitching in her throat. "I want it back." Billie paused. "I need you to give it back."

Alex's expression didn't shift a single bit. He remained quiet for what must've been over two seconds, but to Billie, it felt like two decades. She delved her teeth into her bottom lip and looked at him anxiously, but before she knew it, he was way closer than she had expected.

And he was kissing her.

Alex's lips slammed against her own along with his hands, one which cupped her cheek eagerly and the other that gripped her waist for dear life. It took Billie by surprise, but as if it was already expecting it, her body molded into the kiss without a second's worth of hesitation. The kiss he was giving back.

It was somewhat cathartic, liberating in every sense of the word, as if some greater power had taken their sweet time meticulously carving in stone what this moment would feel like. Because they felt it so deeply, so clearly, every emotion defined and outlined in its own wake. Their bodies swayed with integrity, feelings they had been harboring for so long and were just now able to convey seeping just past their lips, into the tips of their tongues. There was no more contempt, no more disputes, nothing was in between them anymore.

She wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him impossibly closer, feeling as their lips began waltzing together The kiss felt better, different, as if there was somehow more meaning to it than what they were both letting on. God, it felt so much better than any other time they'd ever kissed. Then, Billie tasted a very particular something in his tongue. In that moment, she tasted a feeling.

Just a feeling. Billie didn't know what it was back then and she wasn't anywhere remotely close to finding out, so she didn't try to understand it. But she liked it; she liked the way it felt, because it tasted like him. Sweet, minty.

The water on Billie's skin percolated through their lips in a way that reminded them both so much to the last time they had kissed, just a few nights back. Alex noticed kissing her was different from any other kisses he'd ever shared with any other woman.

Alex noticed kissing her was his new favorite thing.

Tongues met and soon, the kiss was a mess of mangled limbs and clashing teeth. Alex pulled Billie by her t-shirt into his apartment hastily, like he had been waiting for this moment way too long not feel desperate. They were there, so deeply, so perfectly.

Then, Alex shut the door.