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CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
life during wartime.
season five, episode six.

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"Remind me, why are we doing this again?" Ian groaned as he stirred the pot that was filled with the cream-colored custard mix.

"Because it's snowing today and I hate snow, so I need something to cheer me up before I decide to jump into the washing machine and never come out. Plus, it's fun." Billie insisted the statement she had been repeating for a while now, but after having gotten his favorite t-shirt stained with egg yolks, Ian wasn't having such a blast.

He was, however, enjoying the time he was spending alongside Billie. It had been a while since it had been just the two of them. In fact, it never had been just the two of them, so Ian was just glad he was getting to spend time with his sister. Even if he hated baking.

"You don't even know how to bake," Ian grumbled.

"Yes, I do!"

"Yeah? Where did you learn then?" he mocked.

Billie, who wore her flower-patterned apron proudly (which, frankly, was a little small on her), froze her own movements, well-aware of not where, but who had taught her how to bake. And she was in no mood to sharing that detail.

"Just stir the damn pot." She nudged him with her elbow, causing him to roll his eyes but keep stirring nonetheless. "Is that done?"

"Uh, I don't know." Ian shrugged, so Billie peeked over his shoulder at the whisked eggs. "Looks done to me."

"Okay, I'm pouring in the milk," she stated, grabbing the carton of milk from the messy counter.

"Wait, is it ready?"

"How would I know? You're the one stirring," Billie retaliated, urging him to move away so that she could pour the ladle of milk into the mix. Ian shuffled away reluctantly.

"You know, I hate baking and I'm never doing it again," he said.

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are!" Billie laughed. "Next year, on September eighteenth, you are baking custard with me. We're all baking custard, together."

"Why?"

The girl stayed silent for a second, smile slowly fading from her face as she gradually finished pouring the milk into the pot.

"Because," she began, "September eighteenth is the anniversary of Edward's death. He loved custard and he taught me how to do it." Billie took a brief pause to drown down the painful memory. "So, shut up and get back to work. Check on the vanilla pod, please."

Ian frowned at the words, inwardly regretting having complained so much. If he had known Billie was baking in order to honor her lost loved one, he would've never even opened his mouth. Still, he didn't ask or make any comments on it, but simply offered his apologies by surrounding the counter and pretending to check on the pan on the stove, although, really, his eyes were on her.

☆

Billie was well-aware of the extra weight on her bag as she made her way into the hospital alongside Cristina and Meredith. She knew that the weight represented the custard-filled Tupperware she had tucked in along with her things earlier that morning, after Ian and her were done, but even though she had always loved custard, it didn't mean something as good anymore.

In fact, she was having a hard time getting her mind off of it and all the memories it carried along.

Luckily for her, however, Meredith had brought along with her a creepy doll with detachable organs, which Billie could not have found scarier, so she had something to focus on rather than everything else tormenting her.

"My mom bought it for me when I was five, which was a super creepy gift for a five-year-old, but I kinda liked it," Meredith explained, holding up the doll dressed up in a blue hospital gown.

"It's scary." Billie squinted her eyes, fighting off Anatomy Jane's permanent gaze on her.

However, when she looked up, she saw something she was certainly not expecting: in front of her, wearing navy blue scrubs and a hospital lab coat, was Owen Hunt shaking hands with the Chief.

Immediately and without any explanation, Billie got ahold of both her persons' arms. "Run!"

Meredith and Cristina didn't have a choice when the third part of the trio started dragging them down the hallway in panicked sprint. They took a turn and hid behind a wall, panting amongst their hiding spot.

"Okay, what was all that about?" Meredith frowned, slightly freaked.

"I just saw Owen," Billie groaned. "Major Owen Hunt."

"The guy who pulled the icicle from my chest?" Cristina whisper-yelled.

"Exactly."

"I thought he was in Iraq!" Meredith exclaimed.

"Well, he was! And now he's here! I mean, in the hospital! And I've got a backpack full of baked custard that I won't eat and Ian won't eat and nobody will eat!" Billie panted heavily.

"I don't know what that means!"

"Owen is here!" she whisper-yelled.

"So?"

"So? We kissed!" Billie looked at both her persons, noticing the surprise taking upon their faces. "Well, or he kissed me. It was stupid, it was nothing. Stupid nothing."

"But you don't think he thinks it was a stupid nothing." Cristina smirked cheekily.

"Well, I mean, he obviously likes me! Or liked me. Past tense. But now he's back. What's he doing back?"

"You don't think he quit the military for you. I mean, that'd be severely stalker-y, but very romantic." Meredith sighed.

"I'm not getting involved with attendings. Not another one, at least." Billie shook her head no, briefly remembering the whole situation happened with Mark just a few months back. After a second, she looked over at the hallway. "Coast clear?"

Immediately, Meredith and Cristina scooted over to the corner of the wall, peeking briefly before they turned and chorused a thumbs-up.

☆

Now, Billie, Meredith, Alex, Izzie and George-who had recently retaken and passed his intern exam, meaning he was now a resident like the rest-were sitting in the residents lounge, getting ready to start their day. Bailey walked in.

"Okay, two things," she said. "You all have a skills lab this morning. It is mandatory, don't even think about trying to get out. Second, one of you will not have to go to the mandatory skills lab because you will be assisting me in my efforts to remove an inoperable tumor from a ten-year-old girl."

Immediately, all of the residents' hands rose into the air, but as Bailey was speaking, Billie's eyes had traveled and were now fixated on the window where, through the blinds, she could see the marching figure of an oddly familiar woman...

"I'll do it," George claimed as Billie was still stuck in her reverie, trying to find out where the hell she knew her from.

"No, you won't. You have a hundred delinquent charts. You will do those after the lab," the older woman rejected, but her eyes soon landed on Billie. "Black, am I boring you?"

The girl didn't turn her eyes from the woman who stood in the hallway, seemingly disoriented. "Sorry?"

"Am I boring you? Is my very important decision as to who of you will be the one to help me save a little girl's life, boring you?" Bailey stared her down, but Billie still did not look back.

"No, I, uhm-" She cleared her throat awkwardly and stood. "I'm sorry, uh, there's a woman out there. I think I should go check on her."

Soon, all eyes were on the window, where the woman seemed so out of pace that she appeared to be having a hard time even recognizing her surroundings. Billie didn't wait for an answer when she put down her bag and headed towards the door, leaving the residents lounge and finding herself in front of the woman.

She promptly grabbed her arm, catching her attention. "Ma'am, are you okay?"

"I..." She swallowed. "My brother is... I don't know where my brother is."

From up close, the stranger appeared to be around her early thirties, with ginger red hair and a soft complexion. Billie nodded, distracted by the odd familiarity of her features.

"Okay, let's get you sat," she said, guiding her towards the nearest gurney, which resided against the wall of the hallway. "What's your brother's name?"

"I, uhm..." She shook her head, unsure. "I think... Edward. Yes, I think so."

It soon clicked. It made sense. Billie now knew where she had recognized the woman from. She remembered the picture so clearly.

Edward had explained the meaning behind it: the picture had been taken the summer of 1999, on his birthday, and it was him and his seven sisters, all sitting by the shoreline in swimming suits. There, in the middle, was him alongside the woman Billie now stood in front of. And the realization hit her like an anvil.

"E- Edward?" she stuttered out incoherently, too shocked to think straight. Bailey came up behind her.

"Ma'am, are you okay?" She paused for a second and met the woman's absent eyes. "Do you know where you are?" The older woman asked, approaching the stranger with concern, but not getting an answer in return. "Uh, Black, let's get her a room and page LeBlanc for a neuro consult."

"I-" Billie shook her head, staring at the disoriented woman in shock. "Right- Right away, Dr. Bailey."

☆

"It's Edward's sister," Billie claimed, watching through the glass of an exam room as her brother ran some workups on the woman who, according to her ID, was called Aimee Allen. "It's her, I- I don't know what- I don't know why she's here. I don't understand."

"Well, she said it herself," Bailey sighed, "she came here looking for her brother."

Billie turned to her resident with shock written all over her face, wondering why the hell she would ever say that. However, ultimately, she decided not to comment on it, looking back at the image in front of her only to notice Ian approaching the door.

"She's really disoriented, so I'm gonna wait for a little before I examine her again," he said, closing the door behind him. "Meanwhile, I'd like to run a head CT. It could be a tumor. You said you found her wandering about the hallway?"

"Uh," Billie hesitated. "Yeah, she was looking for her brother."

"Great. Can we contact him?" Ian glanced at his watch briefly, but finally noticed the helplessness on his sister's face. "What?"

Billie didn't answer right away, since the words were so heavy on her tongue that she was having trouble speaking up. However, when Bailey noticed, she ran to her aid.

"Uhm, Dr. LeBlanc, Ms. Allen's brother passed away a few months back. He was a fellow surgeon here, at Seattle Grace," she said, causing Billie to look away briefly.

"Oh." He shrank back slightly. "Okay, then. More reason to get that CT right away. Billie, you're on it?"

"Actually, Dr. LeBlanc, Dr. Black is not-"

"Yes," Billie said, prompting Bailey to stay quiet. "Dr Bailey, can I skip the skills lab today?"

The resident was baffled for a second, unsure, but in the end, she nodded. "Yes, Black, of course."

"Okay, then. I'll meet you up there," Ian said, then proceeded to walk away.

The two residents were left alone for a second; one, distracted, the other, concerned.

"Black," Bailey called after a few seconds. "Are you sure?"

"It's Edward's sister," she replied simply. "I have to."

☆

All of the residents (excluding Meredith, who was working with Bailey, and Cristina, who was now operating on pigs, apparently) had been excused from the skills lab due to multiple MVCs coming into the pit. Owen Hunt, now head of trauma, was monitoring them all as they did their jobs.

Alex, particularly, was working on a man's head trauma and scalp laceration when Owen walked in.

"Karev," he called out. "You don't happen to know a Dr. Black here, right?"

"What, Billie?" Alex frowned, stopping his work on the man's forehead briefly out of confusion. "Yeah, why?"

"Nothing. You know where she is?" Owen shrugged nonchalantly, although the younger man's suspicions were only fueled.

"I, uh... I think she left with Dr. Bailey. She had a patient. Why?"

"Okay. If you see her, could you tell her Dr. Hunt is looking for her?" he requested, obviously but subtly avoiding Alex's question, which he had repeated twice now.

"Uh... sure." The man frowned.

"Thanks."

Alex watched as Owen left the exam room. He kept his eyebrows fixed together in the wonder of why he could possibly be looking for her-more specifically, however, where he'd gotten her name from. Ultimately, he decided not to ask.

☆

"I don't know what happened," Aimee said in disbelief as Billie draped her in order to get her into the CT machine. "I was at home, sitting on the couch, I doze off for a little, and suddenly, I'm in a hospital. I mean, how crazy is that?"

"Very crazy, yes," Billie replied emotionlessly, unable to fathom the extent of the situation.

"I'm sorry, I'm probably annoying you with this, but it's just so, completely, fucking... random." She laughed. "What did you say I came here to do again?"

"Uh," the resident cleared her throat awkwardly, "you were looking for your brother."

"Oh." Aimee grimaced uncomfortably, then clicked her tongue as if ready to elaborate. "My brother was a doctor, a cardiothoracic surgeon. He used to work here. It's actually quite ironic how he-"

"I know," Billie said immediately, causing the auburn-haired woman laying on the table beneath her to frown in confusion. The brunette immediately shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't- uh, I don't mean to be rude. I just... I know, how he... died. I was actually a pretty close friend of his."

Aimee seemed to be processing for a second before her eyes widened tenfold. "Wait, you're the Dr. Black? As in the Dr. Billie Black Edward would not shut up about?"

The woman in question smiled very softly, almost unnoticeably. "That's me."

"Oh, my God, it's so nice to finally meet you." Aimee laughed a little, obviously excited, but the emotion was soon wiped away. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"I'm sorry for yours too." Billie shrank back.

They stayed silent for a second as the resident finished draping the patient. It was a slightly uncomfortable silence, given as Billie could feel Aimee's intense eyes on her, although for reasons she did not know until she spoke.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude, but," the redhead said, "you were there, right? In the ferry crash?"

Billie looked up from her work, slashed by the words. She had seen it coming ever since the beginning, but actually being asked about such traumatic event in her life caused her to feel some sort of void inside her. Finally, she nodded.

"I am so sorry." Aimee shook her head. "That must have been awful for you."

Billie knew it was. She remembered waking up with a cascade of blood down her throat. She remembered being starkly unable to find her voice amidst the havoc in her body. She remembered not finding Edward. She remembered being forced to yell out his name in the search for him even if no sound actually came out of her throat. She remembered finding him under a pylon.

She remembered waking up to a world without him.

She remembered wanting to forget.

"Thanks," she said simply.

There was another moment of silence in which Billie stayed completely still, processing her own thoughts for a second before she finally spoke them out loud.

"I'm sorry, how are you-"

"How am I fine? Yeah, I get that a lot." Aimee cut her off almost immediately, as if already having been asked that question so many times she knew the speech by hard. Billie was dumbfounded by the pained smile on her face. "I'm not fine. I miss my brother with everything inside me. I miss him so much I sometimes wish it had been me inside that ferryboat instead of him, even if that doesn't make any sense. I am not fine." Her eyes became glassy, but it was just a fleeting instant. "But I have to be, 'cause I have six other sisters that are not. I have to be strong for them. And all this? It's just... a facade. It's just what I wish I was- I wish I could joke about my brother's death because I know that's what he would've wanted me to do." She paused. "But in the end, it's all about keeping up the cover, isn't it?"

Billie frowned for a second. She sighed.

"Yeah," she admitted. "It is."

☆

"I was told you'd be here."

Billie looked up from the computers in front of her, which she had been fixedly staring at for the past few minutes. Well, not quite staring at-in fact, she seemed to be elsewhere. It was hard to tell from the outside, since she just appeared to be a bored second-year resident waiting for scans, but her head was not, in fact, thinking about medicine.

However, with the appearance of Owen Hunt in the room, Billie was forced to snap out of her reverie to soon find herself in an awkward situation.

"Uh," she stuttered out, mouth hanging open. "Hi."

Owen squinted his eyes. "You remember me, don't you?"

"I- I do-" Billie began. "-not remember you, sorry."

Obviously it was a lie.

"Hm. Pity." He nodded, clearly catching her on the untruth, but not calling her out. He did not hesitate to refresh her mind, however. "I was the guy who kissed you in the x-ray observation room."

Billie's eyes widened immediately. She looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear.

"Uh, right."

Owen nodded and walked into the room, plummeting down on the chair next to her. She tensed visibly once he did, not because of his presence itself, but because, so far, the day had been filled with so many different emotions that she was not sure whether she could endure another one added to the list.

"What's the patient?" he asked after a while, beckoning towards Aimee laying inside the CT machine.

"Uh, Aimee Allen, twenty-nine. We found her in the hallway seeming quite disoriented and looking for her-" Billie cleared her throat. "-dead brother."

"Oh. Well, then-"

"Hey, Owen?" She cut him off before he could finish his sentence, causing him to look in her direction in query. "I am so sorry if I ever gave you the impression that this-" she motioned between them both, "-would ever happen, but it's not. It was just one kiss that will not happen again, which is why I apologize if I mislead you or something."

"Oh." Owen frowned. "Well, I wasn't trying to-"

He wasn't able to continue, since, right then, the scans became present on the screen. Immediately, both their heads turned towards the computers, where the many images of Aimee's brain were appearing. However, soon, their faces fell.

"That is a massive tumor." Owen clicked his tongue.

"Fuck," Billie breathed out. "It's right on her cerebellum. No wonder she was so disoriented. And it could even be cancerous." She took her hand to her head. "I gotta go call Ian. I'm sorry."

☆

Ian and Billie made their way into the patient room where Aimee was already settled, wearing a gown. The brunette's heart was absent on her chest, seeing as the news they were about to deliver weren't good.

"Ms. Allen." Ian nodded in greeting, positioning himself at the foot of the bed alongside Billie.

"Oh, please, call me Aimee." The patient waved him off, seeming too perky for what she was about to be told.

"Aimee," he corrected, but didn't smile. The girl on the bed immediately frowned.

"It's a tumor, isn't it?" she asked.

Ian nodded warily. "Yes, it's a tumor, Aimee. A big one, called an anaplastic astrocytoma. I am so sorry."

The girl paused, seeming to be fighting her own pain in order for it not to be physically displayed. "Well, is it cancer?"

"Aimee-"

"Is it?" she asked even louder, cutting straight to the chase.

Billie sucked in a sharp breath and glanced at Ian for reassurance, but soon answered. "Yes, Aimee. It's cancer."

There was a moment of silence in which Billie prepared herself to run over to the bed and hug the woman she somehow felt so emotionally bonded to, even if she didn't know her. For some reason, being connected through Edward, she felt Aimee's emotions like they were her own.

However, Aimee simply laughed.

Billie and Ian shared weird looks and the former soon asked herself whether mixed emotions were a symptom of such tumor. However, her medical expertise did not suffice to manage this situation, so she simply frowned.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Aimee mumbled amongst her chortle. "It's just- Isn't it ironic?"

"What is?" Billie shook her head in lack of understanding.

"Well-" The girl snorted. "I mean, I came here looking for my dead brother on the day of his death anniversary and I got found a fucking brain tumor and cancer! I have cancer! And now I'm gonna be the second of the Allen siblings to die of something else other than old age and all my sisters are gonna be devastated! And I'm gonna be dead! Please tell me you find this as funny as I do."

"Aimee, y- you're not gonna die. The prognosis is not good, but it's fightable, and this tumor is treatable. With chemo, radiation and-"

"Oh, God, don't give me the doctor talk. You've no idea how many years I spent listening to my brother talk about goddamn aortas," she interrupted. Her expression was suddenly solemn, deadly. "I got found cancer, it runs in the family. If I don't drop dead right now, then it'll be tomorrow or in five years. I don't care, I just know it will happen, because it's either that or spending the rest of my life losing my hair, laying in a hospital bed surrounded by my crying sisters, and I do not wish to do that again." Billie frowned at the word 'again', but didn't comment on it. "If I have cancer, then I wanna spend what little time I have left having fun, not thinking about my death."

"Aimee," Ian cut her off, talking a step forward and sitting by her on the bed. "If this cancer progressed and you chose not to treat it, life would not be life. It would be a lot of pain. It would be... fainting and waking up in places you do not recognize, persistent headaches, insomnia, being unable to walk or even balance yourself in your feet-you wouldn't be able to even move."

Aimee looked at him and Billie saw hesitance in her eyes.

"The tumor is big and it's cancerous and it's dangerous," he continued, "but that doesn't mean I can't take it out. At least I can try. And, just for a second, imagine this-you've already planned out your entire life on the basis of this cancer, but what if there was no cancer? What if I was able to remove it all, with clean margins, and made sure it never came back? Why do you have to make peace with death even though you can avoid it?" He came to a halt. "Just give me one surgery. If I'm not able to remove the tumor, you'll go. You'll go and be with your sisters. But just... give me this one surgery."

Aimee's eyes were filled with tears by the end of the speech. Billie, standing a few feet away, was amazed-pained, almost-at the resemblance, seeing as the worry in her eyes was the exact same as the worry in Edward's eyes.

"It's what your brother would've wanted you to do," she said. Aimee looked up. "He would've wanted you to fight."

The redhead finally allowed a single tear to slither its way down her cheek. In the end, she took the back of her hand to her face, wiped her cries and smiled through her pain.

"If you kill me, I will sue you, you know?"

☆

Billie rolled the gurney into the OR. That day, she'd chosen to wear Edward's symbolic red scrub cap to operate on Aimee, so now, that's what she wore on top of her hair. Red scrub cap and mask on, she looked down at the woman on the stretcher, whose emblematic auburn hair was hidden under the surgical net and whose eyes were filled with tears that lay obsolete.

Happy tears-sad tears.

"You'll be okay, you know?" Billie said, setting the gurney next to the operating table and helping Aimee onto it.

"You're just saying that so I don't sue you," she joked.

"Maybe." The resident shrugged playfully, earning a laugh. "But it's what I want. It's what Edward would've wanted too."

Aimee's expression darkened a bit at the mention of her brother, but she simply smiled and laid down on the table. With her eyes on the ceiling, a hissing tear finally cascaded down her temple. Billie promptly wiped it away.

"You better make it out alive," she said.

Aimee grinned. "I better make it out alive, don't I?"

Billie laughed softly and held back her own cries. "Ready?"

"Ready," she said, looking away from her eyes and back at the ceiling before the anesthesiologist put the mask on top of her mouth and nose, causing her to slowly, slowly doze off...

"Remember, everyone," Ian said once he walked into the OR, gloved and gowned. "There's no good walk without a stumble. Let's do this."

☆

Aimee slowly opened her eyes and found herself in a brightly-lit patient room. It took her a second to adjust, but finally, she peeled awake and caught sight of Ian and Billie standing at the foot of her bed. The girl was talking to the man as he filled out a chart, oblivious to her new state of wake.

"Hey," she whispered hoarsely after a while, feeling the strain on her vocal cords and the bandage around her head. Billie and Ian immediately glanced at her.

"Hey." The brunette's face lit up with a smile. She walked up to her. "How do you feel?"

"Like my brain was just poked around," Aimee said with a laugh.

"You're responsive, that's good." Ian nodded, approaching her in order to shine a light into her eyes. "You remember why you're here?"

"Yeah. I had a tumor-cancer, I had cancer. You talked me into the surgery," she explained. "How'd it go?"

"Well," Billie began with excitement, "we were able to get it all out, clean margins. You're tumor-free, Aimee." She paused. "You're cancer-free."

Aimee's eyes immediately filled with tears, as if the news were too much to fathom. There had been a beginning where she did not believe these doctors to be capable of ridding her from such monster in her head, but in the end, this was Billie Black-Aimee would've been disappointed if everything her brother had told her hadn't been true.

"Thank you," she cried out. "Thank you so much. Oh, God, thank you."

"See? I told you." Billie grinned widely. "I told you you'd make it out alive."

☆

That night, after a long day at work, Billie and Ian sat on the couch of their living room, staring blankly and indifferently at the TV in front of them while they ate custard from bowls.

"Did you know that woman? Aimee Allen, did you know her?" Ian asked after a while, popping a spoonful of the dessert into his mouth.

Billie frowned. "Why?"

"I don't know."

"Oh." She looked away. "I just knew her brother."

Ian suddenly fell face-first into realization. "Edward, wasn't it?"

Billie didn't answer right away. Rather, she took a moment of silence. He immediately glanced at her in concern to find her picking on her dessert, so pained. He placed a hand on hers.

"Bil, I'm so sorry," he said after a while, holding her tightly. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Aimee's gonna live, that's what matters." Billie smiled tearfully.

"You sure?"

She thought, pondered the question for a second. But in the end, the answer would always come down to yes. She would always be okay because she knew, no matter what, anything she went through, she'd be able to endure.

She would always have seen worse.

"Yeah, Ian. Don't worry," she said, although inside, she was not so sure.