A/n: Okay, so I'm sorry that this one is really sad, but I've had it in my head since last night. Also, I know that not everybody that reads this is Jewish, but I mentioned a little bit of Judaism in here. Anyways, please enjoy this imagine. Okay, without further ado, let's begin!

My boyfriend of a year and a half is the singer and songwriter Shawn Mendes, and he's currently in New York City so he can be on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. I sat on the couch, ready to watch his interview, when the doorbell rang. I got up and opened the door. It was my former next door neighbor who I had known my whole life, Johnny.

"Hey Johnny. I'm about to watch Shawn's interview, want to come in and watch it with me?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah, but first, let me get a hug from my favorite former neighbor." He said before pulling me in for an almost bone crushing hug. Something was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. We sat down on the couch, and Johnny texted someone. My phone rang a couple minutes later. It was my mom.

"Hey mom." I said.

"Hi honey." She said. She was crying. Why was she crying?

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's Uncle Alex. He had another heart attack." She said.

"Well he's already had four heart attacks, he'll pull through. He's as strong as an ox, so he'll be okay." I said.

"Y/n, you don't understand. He's gone. He died." She said. My heart broke as I dropped my phone. I fell off the couch as I sobbed and screamed. Johnny grabbed the phone and said something to my mom, but I didn't hear what he said. I was too busy sobbing and screaming. To say that I'm very close to my uncle is an understatement. Johnny hung up the phone and then said something to me.

"What?" I asked as my body shook with sobs.

"Let's get you up to bed. I'll keep your phone with me in case Shawn calls after his interview or something." Johnny said.

"O-okay." I said. Johnny lifted me up and carried me upstairs as I cried. He laid me down on the bed.

"Is there anything that I can get for you?" He asked. I pointed at mine and Shawn's closet, barely able to speak.

"Pink hoodie." I said. He nodded, went in our closet and found Shawn's pink hoodie for me. It's my favorite out of all of Shawn's hoodies.

"Here you go." Johnny said as he gave me the hoodie. I hugged it close to me and cried.

"I want Shawn." I said.

"I know you do. I'll let him know what's going on when he calls." Johnny said. I nodded.

"Okay." I said.

"I'll just be downstairs if you need me, okay?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay. Thank you." I said. He nodded and went downstairs.

Shawn's point of view

"Hey, how are you?" Jimmy Fallon asked me as I walked over to him and gave him a bro hug.

"I'm good, how are you?" I asked as I sat down. He sat down too.

"I'm good. So, the last time you were on the show, you were single, and now you live with your girlfriend, Y/n Y/l/n, right?" Jimmy asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, we bought a house in Massachusetts together." I said.

"Now, why Massachusetts? I mean, you're from Canada, which is quite a ways away from Massachusetts." Jimmy asked and said. I chuckled and nodded.

"Yeah. Well, my job takes me around the world. Y/n is still in college and her dream job is to be a high school adjustment counselor, and high schools don't move around, so I moved to be with her." I said. Jimmy nodded.

"Now, since you're living in Massachusetts, you might know what some words or sayings mean, right?" Jimmy asked. I chuckled.

"I was once in a car with Y/n and her former neighbor, Johnny, who's like a big brother to her. Johnny was driving and we were in Boston and he goes 'Oh crap, I have to bang a u-ey.' and I was like 'What in the world did you just say?' and he was driving and Y/n was sitting in the front passenger seat, and I was sitting in the back. Y/n turned around, and very seriously, said 'He has to make a u turn.' and I was like, amazed because it was like he had spoken in another language to me, but because she's also from Boston, Y/n understood what he meant." I said. Jimmy laughed.

"What's a Masshole? Do you know that one?" Jimmy asked. I laughed.

"Yeah. A Masshole is basically an obnoxious person - especially an obnoxious driver - that's from Massachusetts." I said.

"So, one more question about Massachusetts slang: what does it mean if something is wicked pissah (A/n: if something is wicked pissah to a Bostonian, that means it's really good or really cool. I would know, I'm a Bostonian, lol.)?" Jimmy asked. I thought for a moment.

"I don't know. I know that Y/n and her whole family will say the word wicked a lot, and her former neighbors that she's still good friends with say it too. I think I've heard Johnny's dad say that something was wicked pissah but I forgot to ask what it meant." I said.

"Do you know your girlfriend's phone number by heart?" Jimmy asked. I nodded.

"Of course." I said. I then laughed when he pulled out a phone.

"I'll block the numbers, let's call Y/n and get to the bottom of what wicked pissah means." Jimmy said. I nodded and dialed Y/n's number.

"Hello?" A familiar male voice asked when they answered.

"Johnny?" I asked.

"Hey Shawn." He said.

"Where's my girlfriend and what are you doing with her phone?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Shawn, um, this may not be the best time to tell you this, but Y/n's Uncle Alex had a heart attack." He said. My eyes went wide but then I composed myself again.

"Well, he's already had four heart attacks and he's been hospitalized for pneumonia like, eight times. He's as strong as an ox, he'll be fine." I said.

"Shawn... he's gone. He died." Johnny said. My hand went to my mouth and I could practically feel my heart break.

"Oh my gosh. How's Y/n? How did she react?" I asked. Johnny sighed.

"She's... she's laying in bed right now. I had to carry her up to bed because she was crying and sobbing so hard that her body was shaking. I was right next to her when her mom called to tell her, that's why I came over to your house actually. Her mom didn't want her to be alone when she found out, so she asked me to come over here. When Y/m/n told her, Y/n fell off the couch sobbing and screaming and she dropped the phone." Johnny said.

"Okay. Um, I'll finish up the interview and then I'll be home as soon as I can. So she's just sleeping right now?" I asked.

"I don't know if she's asleep but she's at least laying in bed. I got her up to bed and then asked her if she needed anything. She could barely talk because she was crying so hard but she said 'Pink hoodie.' I hope that you don't mind the fact that I went in your closet and grabbed it for her." Johnny said.

"No, I don't mind that. That's fine. My pink hoodie is her favorite hoodie of mine. Johnny, I'll be honest, there's something that I want to ask you to hide, but I'm on television right now, so I can't." I said. Y/n has never self harmed in the past, but she knows where my razors are, and I don't want her to start to self harm.

"I think I know what it is. Trust me, I've known Y/n since... well, since before she was even born. Her mom was still pregnant with her when they moved in next door. If you tell me where it is I can go hide it somewhere that she won't see it." Johnny said.

"Okay, thanks. Um, you know how there's a bathroom attached to our bedroom? The en suite?" I asked.

"Yeah." He said.

"If you look in the cabinet underneath the sink in there, that's where they are. Would you, or if you can't, maybe find someone who can stay with her until I get home? I don't feel comfortable with her being alone right now." I asked and said.

"Yeah, I can ask Kristen to come over her and stay her with her and I'll pick you up from the airport." Johnny said.

"Okay, thank you. I would normally ask her brother to pick me up from the airport, but he's going to be grieving too." I said.

"Yeah. Oh, hey Y/n. I'm just talking to Shawn. He said that he'll be home as soon as he can, okay?" Johnny asked my girlfriend.

"How is she?" I asked.

"She held up her index finger and then left the room. She looks... sad and heartbroken to be honest with you. I've never seen her like this. Not even when Jake died." Johnny said.

"Okay." I said with a sigh.

"Oh, hold on, she's writing something down and I think that she just wrote down your name." Johnny said.

"Oh, okay. Will you let me know what she wrote when she's done writing it please?" I asked.

"Of course." He said.

"Thanks." I said.

"You're welcome. Her hands look shaky. Like shakier than usual. Oh hold on, she's giving me the paper." He said.

"What does it say?" I asked.

"There's a song that Shawn learned how to play on the piano for me and surprised me with it the first time that I visited him in Toronto. Will he please play it for me when he gets home?" Johnny read. I instantly knew what she was talking about and I got choked up with emotions.

"Of course, um, of course I will. I knew that she fell asleep listening to Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright so I learned it on the piano for her. How does she seem right now?" I asked.

"She's just sitting here staring at you on the tv. She's barely moving or saying anything." Johnny said.

"She's watching this?" I asked.

"Yeah." Johnny said.

"Okay, this is for her." I said before waving at the camera and then blowing a kiss to the camera - to Y/n.

"She has a little smile on her face and she waved back. She's still holding your hoodie." Johnny said.

"Okay. Well I'll be home as soon as I can. Just... hide those things somewhere that she can't find them, but let me know where you put them and please, have Kristen come over while you pick me up at the airport or something. I don't want her to be alone right now." I said.

"I know. Do you want her to stay up until you get home?" Johnny asked.

"No, I want her to rest." I said.

"She just said that she's staying up no matter what. Shawn, you know how she is - stubborn as hell. Once she sets her mind to something, that's it, no one can convince her to do otherwise." Johnny said. I nodded.

"Yeah. Okay, well, I have to get back to my interview but I'll text you when I know when I'm going to land." I said.

"Okay. Sorry to tell you this at such a bad time." Johnny said.

"It's fine." I said.

"Oh, um, this may not be the best time to tell you this, but, like, this situation is not wicked pissah. If something is wicked pissah, it's really cool or really good." Johnny said. I smiled a little.

"Okay. Thanks man." I said.

"No problem. Talk to you later." He said.

"Bye." I said and we hung up. I put my head in my hands for a moment. I didn't cry - a time for that would come later, but not now.

"Shawn?" Jimmy asked as he reached over and touched my shoulder. I looked at him and realized that he had said my name more than once.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked.

"Do you want to end the interview?" He asked. I shook my head.

"No, no, it's fine. Um, I know that I was supposed to perform and we were supposed to play a game, and I'm really sorry, but do you mind if we just do the interview? I just... I need to get home to Y/n as soon as I can." I asked and said. Jimmy waved his hand.

"That's fine. Are you okay?" Jimmy asked. I thought for a moment and then nodded.

"Yeah. I'm just worried about Y/n. She's, well, she was really close to her uncle. Like, when I was going to meet her whole family, before we got to her grandparents house, I asked her who I needed to impress and she said 'Uncle Alex' and she also told me that when he shakes peoples hands, he has a strong grip, and let me tell you..." I said with a chuckle. Jimmy chuckled.

"Was it a strong grip handshake?" Jimmy asked.

"Jimmy, it hurt a little to shake his hand." I said and Jimmy cracked up laughing.

"Wow, that's a strong grip." He said. I nodded.

"Yeah, and because he was so protective of Y/n, and because he had known about how her ex was, he was even more protective, so after dinner, I was sitting with Y/n on the couch, and he goes 'Shawn, come here, let's talk in the other room.'" I said.

"Oh God. Did he interrogate you?" Jimmy asked.

"He interrogated me, he... well I don't know if threatened is the right word, but he pointed at his phone and said 'You hurt her - one phone call.' and I promised him that I would never hurt her. But I understood why he was saying all of that. He was very protective of Y/n, I mean, to say that they were extremely close is an understatement. I think that he was a bit hesitant about me because he knew all about how Y/n's ex boyfriend was with her." I said.

"I'm guessing that her ex wasn't a good guy?" Jimmy asked. I sighed. (A/n: the next part is in reference to imagine number 79 in this called "It's Just Me Honey, It's Okay.")

"There was one time, I think that Y/n and I had been dating for about six months, and I already knew all about the absolute crap that her ex had said to her, and even though it had been over two years since she had broken up with him, the mean things that he said to her would still pop into her head sometimes." I said.

"Well of course, when you hear crappy things that someone is saying to you, it sticks with you." Jimmy said. I nodded.

"Exactly. So one day, Y/n and I had been dating for about six months, and we were cuddling on my couch. I had my eyes closed and she was laying on me, and I said something, and she got off of me and she was like 'No. No, don't say that. Don't say that.' and she stood up, so I did too. I remember not understanding what had just happened, and I took a step towards her and she took a step back, a step away from me, and she had a look of, like, panic and anxiety on her face." I said.

"So whatever you said, did it bring something back for her?" Jimmy asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. I didn't find that out until a few hours later because she went out to my balcony and said that she needed to be alone and she needed some fresh air, but it eventually got to the point where I could tell that she was getting cold, so I brought out one of my hoodies for her." I said.

"Awwww what a good boyfriend." Jimmy said. I smiled.

"Thank you. She asked me to sit with her and so I did and I remember that she started to cry and she was apologizing and she said 'You're not him, I know that, so why the hell did I react like that?' and she was really upset with herself, and then she finally told me that what I had said, apparently her ex had said those same exact words in the same exact tone to her, so me saying it like that brought all of the bad memories with him back." I said.

"But obviously you guys made up." Jimmy said. I nodded and smiled.

"Yeah." I said.

"Now, are we going to be hearing wedding bells anytime soon?" Jimmy asked and the crowd cheered as I smiled.

"Well I'm about to go on tour, and we've been together for about a year and a half and we know that we want to be together for two years before we get engaged. But she's definitely the one, I can promise you that." I said. Soon, the interview came to an end and I got a private jet home so I could be with Y/n as soon as possible. I checked Instagram. She had posted a picture on Instagram of her and her uncle. I read the caption. She wrote about some of the things that she's going to miss about her uncle, and then she put a quote.

"'I guess I shouldn't have expected that it would be forever. Death is an inevitable part of life.' - Cooper in Terry Schott's book Fragmented. (A/n: I HIGHLY recommend that series! It's called The Game Is Life. It's awesome! The series is not finished yet, Terry is still working on the books, but they're so cool and I love them!)" Johnny picked me up from the airport.

"How is she? Is someone with her? Did you hide the razors?" I asked as we walked out to his truck.

"She's not doing so great, Kristen is with her, and yes, I hid the razors. They're in the dresser in the guest bedroom that's closer to your office." He said. I nodded.

"Okay. Thank you so much for this man." I said.

"Of course, no problem. Sorry that I told you while you were in an interview." Johnny said.

"It's fine." I said.

"I'll carry in your luggage so you don't have to worry about it. You just head to your girl." Johnny said as we put my stuff in his truck.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"I'm positive. I have a feeling that she's just going to collapse into your arms or something." Johnny said.

"Yeah. Thanks for your help." I said.

"No problem." He said. We then drove back to mine and Y/n's house. I opened the front door, and she was sitting on the stairs that led to our bedroom and the whole upstairs part of our house. She jumped up when she saw me.

"Come here baby." I said. She threw her arms around me and I held her close to me.

"He's gone. He's gone Shawn." She said as she cried. I rubbed her back. I felt like I wanted to cry, but not now. Right now I needed to be strong for her, so I just kissed the side of her head and rocked her from side to side.

"You're okay honey, you're okay." I said. She pulled away and looked at me.

"No! No I'm not! My world is falling apart!" She said before almost dropping to the ground as she sobbed. I caught her before her butt hit the hard floor.

"Hey, hey, I've got you, okay? I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." I said as I sat on the floor with her.

"But you're supposed to promote your, your new album." She said as she sobbed. My heart broke and that's when I let the tears fall. I sat with her and held her close to my chest.

"You're crazy if you think that I'm going to fly out to Los Angeles or anywhere right now to do promos and things like that. The love of my life is in a lot of pain right now and I need to be there for her. I'm right here, okay? I'm right here." I said as I rested my forehead against hers.

"Okay." She said.

"Your luggage is all set." Johnny said. I looked at him and nodded.

"Okay, thank you so much." I said.

"No problem." He said. Kristen walked into the room.

"You guys going to be okay?" She asked. Kristen is Johnny's girlfriend. I nodded.

"Yeah. I've got her now. Thank you guys so much for staying with her and... well, for everything." I said. They nodded.

"No problem. Call us if you need anything. See you guys later." Kristen said. Y/n and I nodded and said goodbye. I then looked at Y/n as she yawned.

"How about I play the piano for you in the morning? You seem tired baby and you've had a rough night." I asked and said. She nodded.

"Okay." She said. I helped her stand up and then I carried her upstairs and laid her on our bed. I got in on my side and pulled her close to me. I kissed her forehead.

"I love you." I said.

"I love you too. Um, Shawn?" She asked. I rubbed her cheek with my thumb.

"Yes love?" I asked.

"I feel like I want to cry." She said, her voice shaky.

"Let it out babe. It's just the two of us here. Let it out." I said. She instantly broke down sobbing. My heart broke again. I held her close to me, wanting nothing more than to take away her pain, but I couldn't, so I just held her and kissed her forehead a few times.

The next morning I woke up before her. I felt so bad. Right now, in her dream world, she probably wasn't grieving. She was probably in a happy place. I got a piece of paper and left her a note saying that I was downstairs making us breakfast and to come down when she was ready to. I went downstairs and started to make some pancakes - red velvet pancakes, her favorite. After a little bit, I heard feet pad down the stairs and into the hallway and then into the kitchen. I looked at her. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail, she didn't have any makeup on, she was wearing my pink hoodie and some sweats. Her eyes looked sad and depressed and her face was pale. There was no trace of a smile on her lips.

"Morning." She said as she leaned against the counter.

"Good morning honey." I said.

"You know, I fell asleep sad, and then when I was dreaming, everything was fine. But then I woke up and remembered. Shawn, I've never been so sad in my life. I feel numb and empty beyond words." She said. My heart broke.

"Well we're going to get you better, okay?" I asked her. She looked at me, a bewildered look on her beautiful, stunning, and breathtaking face.

"How? One of the most important people in my life just died. How in the world am I going to get better?" She asked. I kissed the side of her head.

"We'll figure it out honey, I promise. I always keep my promises, right?" I asked. She nodded.

"Yeah." She said.

"See? We'll figure it out." I said.

"Okay. Thank you." She said.

"You're welcome baby. How about we eat, and then after we eat I'll play Hallelujah on the piano for you?" I asked as I brought the plates over to the table. She sat down, looked at her food, and then looked at me.

"I'm not hungry." She said. I had seen her eyes when they were sad. But right now they weren't just sad, they were heartbroken and devastated.

"But honey, I made red velvet pancakes. They're your favorite." I said. She looked at her plate again and then back at me and shook her head.

"I'm not hungry." She said. I sighed.

"Okay baby. But I want you to eat something at some point." I said. She nodded. Her phone rang and she answered it.

"Hello? Hey Em. Oh, um, yeah, I could do that. Is there something specific that I should read? I don't know if I'll make a speech, I think that that would be too hard. Could I read a poem? Okay, yeah. What time is the funeral at?" Y/n asked as she stood up, got a piece of paper and wrote stuff down. She talked to Em, Uncle Alex's granddaughter, for a little bit longer, and then sat back down.

"How's Emmy?" I asked.

"She's hanging in there. They wanted to know if I would make a speech. I don't know if I can do that." She said.

"Why not babe?" I asked.

"Because I'll just break down crying." She said.

"Honey, I'll be right there, okay? And if you break down crying, so what? It's a funeral, it's okay to cry." I said. As soon as the word funeral came out of my mouth she started to sob. I got up, went to her side of the table, and hugged her.

"I'll just find a poem. I think that that would be easier." She said. I nodded and closed my eyes as I kissed the side of her head.

"Okay baby. Whatever you want." I said.

"There's a book that I have on my phone... I wonder if I can buy it online. I could probably use thriftbooks.com (A/n: if you're ever looking for a book and you want to get it but it's too much money, check thriftbooks.com! It's great and cheap but they're still in good condition!) to get it." She said.

"What book is it? I'll get it for you." I asked and said. She shook her head.

"No baby, no, you don't have to do that." She said. I placed a gentle kiss on her lips and then looked at her.

"The love of my life is grieving and in pain. Of course I have to do this. Let me be here for you honey. You're my love and I want to be here for you." I said. She thought for a moment and then nodded.

"Okay." She said. I smiled.

"Thank you baby. What's the name of the book and I'll order it from thriftbooks right now?" I asked. She sighed.

"It's by Holly Riordan. It's called, um, I think it's called If You Were Still Alive. I just, I want a hard copy of it so I can underline and highlight things." She said. I nodded and pulled out my phone as I sat down across from her.

"Okay baby, I'll order it right now." I said.

"Thank you. I um, I don't think that I have anything to wear to the funeral, so I have to go shopping at some point." She said.

"Don't worry about that darling, I'll take you." I said. Part of the reason why I wanted to take her was so I could get the dress for her, the other part being that I don't want her to be alone right now. She nodded.

"Okay. Thank you." She said.

"You're welcome. I just ordered the book. Should we go sit at the piano?" I asked Y/n. She nodded.

"Yeah." She said.

"Should I do a live stream just to let people know how you're doing or no?" I asked. She shrugged.

"It's up to you. I just want to be with you right now." She said as we stood up.

"I'm right here baby, okay? I'm right here." I said. She nodded.

"Okay." She said. I sat down at the piano, Y/n sat in a chair next to the piano, and I started a live stream on Instagram.

"Hi guys. I've seen a lot of people sending love to my girl, so thank you for that. She's hanging in there as best as she can. She's actually sitting next to the piano and I'm about to play a song for her. Do you want to sit next to me babe?" I asked as I looked at Y/n.

"Are you sure?" She asked. I nodded.

"I'm positive, come here." I said. She got up and sat on the piano seat with me. I couldn't help but wonder if my fans could also see the sad, empty look in her eyes, and if they could see how pale and depressed she looked. "Ready?" I asked Y/n. She nodded.

"Yeah." She said and then leaned her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and began to sing Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright. Every once in a while, as I played, she would pick her head up and look at me for a few moments, and then rest her head on my shoulder again. She's always told me that she loves watching me play the piano because she loves watching my 'long fingers dance across the keys.'

"How did that sound babe?" I asked when I finished. She looked at me and my heart broke when I saw the tears in her eyes.

"Beautiful, just like always." She said, a small smile on her face. I kissed her cheek softly, gently, and tenderly, a few times. I then pulled away looked at her. The tears had fallen onto her cheeks, causing my heart to break for what must have been the millionth time.

"What's going through your mind right now honey?" I asked. She sighed.

"I was being foolish, wasn't I? I was being foolish thinking that just because he had survived four heart attacks and at least eight bouts of pneumonia that he could live forever wasn't I? He won't be at our wedding when we get married Shawn. I always hoped and wished that he would be, you know? But he won't be. He's gone, and he's not coming back." She said before she started to sob.

"Come here. Let's go sit on the couch." I said so people watching the live stream wouldn't see her crying.

"I want him back. I want him back." She cried as I held her close to me.

"I know honey, I know. I've got you baby. You know that you're safe in my arms, right?" I asked. She nodded her head against my chest.

"Yeah." She said. I kissed the top of her head.

"Do you want me to play Hallelujah again?" I asked. She thought for a moment and then nodded.

"Yes please." She said as she slowly stopped crying. We sat on the piano seat together and I began playing it again. This time, as I played, she kept one hand on my arm just like she always does, but she didn't put her head on my shoulder. She looked at me instead. I looked over at her every once in a while, and at one point, as I played, I let my forehead rest against hers for a moment. The song soon came to an end.

"How did I sound?" I asked.

"Beautiful. You always sound beautiful." She said. I smiled a little.

"Thank you darling." I said.

"You're welcome. Um, did you notice what I did to any of the mirrors in the house before you got home?" She asked. I shook my head.

"No. What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, in the Jewish religion, hold on let me find the website that said it." She said as she pulled out her phone.

"Okay baby." I said. I kept one arm on her back as I rubbed it to keep her calm, and I looked at the outpouring of love on the comments in the live stream.

"I found it." She said. I looked at her.

"What is it darling? So this is why you did something to the mirrors?" I asked. She nodded.

"Yeah. I covered them with towels." She said.

"Oh, okay." I said.

"So the website says that the reason for this is: 'When death strikes, the mourner should contemplate the relationship between God and man, Creator and creature. When, instead, the bereaved dwells vainly on self-adoration (through the use of his mirror) and continues to be concerned with his own image and his own creatureliness, he thereby brings to almost comic proportions the austere moment of tragedy.'" She read. I nodded.

"Okay." I said.

"I know that you're not Jewish, but my family is and I just... I don't know. It felt like the right thing to do. So, are you, um, are you coming to the funeral with me?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. I need to be there for my girl." I said.

"Will you come with me to the cemetery?" She asked. I kissed her cheek again.

"Of course I will honey. You need me right now." I said. Tears formed in her eyes as she nodded.

"Yeah. I do. Um, sorry -" She started.

"It's okay. Let it out babe." I said. She nodded and then looked at her phone again and then at me.

"When we go to the cemetery, it's Jewish tradition that the mourners help put dirt into the grave, so I'll probably shovel a bit." She said. I nodded.

"Okay. Is it okay if I shovel a bit too?" I asked. Her eyes widened.

"Really?" She asked. I nodded.

"Of course. My love, you're the love of my life and I'm going to marry you someday. He let me call him Uncle Alex too. But if you don't want me to shovel -" I started.

"No, no, that's fine. You'll probably go after me, right?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah." I said.

"Okay. I can't hand you the shovel when I'm done shoveling. I have to put it in the dirt and then you can pick it up and shovel." She said. I tilted my head a little.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because in the Jewish religion that's like, it's considered that if you hand the shovel to the next person rather than setting it down, you're handing your grief to them. We should also bring something, some type of food when we go to sit Shiva. Shiva will be at his old house." Y/n said.

"Okay. What's Shiva?" I asked.

"To sit Shiva is considered a mitzvah, a good deed. It's basically just gathering and mourning the person and talking about them. Oh, what should I make for food to eat?" She asked.

"Baby, you don't have to bring anything." I said.

"It's Jewish tradition. I should make something. I'll call Emmy and ask her what I should make." Y/n said. I nodded, gave her a quick kiss and then she left the room. I looked at my phone since the live stream was still going.

"I think that I have some nice dress clothes that I can wear to the funeral. I'm taking Y/n shopping later so she can get a dress or something for the funeral. Thank you guys so much for the outpouring of love and condolences. Y/n was very, very, close to her uncle. She called him her right hand man." I said. Y/n walked back into the room and sat with me. I put my arm around her.

"Um, could we stop at the butcher at some point today?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. What's at the butcher?" I asked.

"Well, I feel weird saying this during a live stream, but my grandmother taught me how to make tongue, so I figured that I could make that." She said (A/n: no, I do not actually know how to make cow tongue. Yes, I eat cow tongue. Yes, it is delicious.). I nodded.

"Okay. I thought that you don't like seeing the tongue before it's all cut up?" I asked. She shrugged.

"I'll survive, right?" She asked, and I could tell that she meant it as a broader question, I could tell that she was wondering if she would survive this grief. I nodded and then rested my forehead against hers.

"Yup, you will. I promise. I love you." I said.

"I love you too." She said.

"Should I end the live stream so we can get going and do our errands?" I asked.

"Yeah." She said. I looked at my phone.

"Okay, thank you guys for all of the love. We love you guys, bye!" I said and then ended the live stream and then saved it.

We then went to a local store so Y/n could try on dresses. I held her hand, and as our skin touched, I felt electricity spark through me, yet I felt safe and warm at the same time. I kept kissing her hand as a reminder to her that I was right there with her, not going anywhere. Y/n had withdrawn into herself again. She had become quiet - a side of her that I wasn't used to. I didn't know how to help her, so I just held her hand as we walked around the store, looking for black dresses.

"What about this one?" She asked. I looked at the modest black dress (A/n: picture of dress is above!) and nodded.

"Yeah. Do you want to try it on?" I asked. She nodded and took it in the dressing room. I sat on the couch outside of the dressing room and when she stepped out, I smiled.

"How do I look? Do you think that this is okay?" She asked. I nodded.

"It's perfect honey." I said. She nodded, went back into the dressing room, got changed, and came back out with it.

"I think that I have some heels at home." She said.

"Well we can get some here." I said.

"No, you've already bought me a book and you're buying me a dress, you don't need to spend more money on me." She said. I turned her so she would look at me.

"I'm also buying the tongue. Don't worry about the money baby. I've got it. Don't worry about anything, okay?" I asked. She sighed and nodded.

"Okay. Thank you." She said in a whisper.

"Anything for you my love." I said. We got her some black heels and then paid. We then went to the butcher and got some tongue. We went home and I helped her cook it.

"I still have to figure out what poem I'm going to read." She said after we made the tongue and sat down on the couch.

"Do you need any help babe?" I asked.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you though." She said.

"You're welcome honey." I said. She then went on Pinterest and looked for a poem.

"What about this one?" She asked. She showed it to me and I nodded.

"It's perfect baby." I said.

"I love you Shawn." She said.

"I love you too Y/n. I always have and I always will." I said. The next day was the funeral and Y/n went up to read the poem that she had found.

"Gone are the days

We used to share...

But in our hearts you're always there.

The gates of memory

Will never close...

We miss you more

Than anyone knows.

With tender love

And deep regret...

We who love you

Will never forget.

Gone is the face

We loved so dear...

Silent the voice

We loved to hear.

Too far away

For sight or speech...

But not too far

For love to reach.

Sweet the memories

Are so clear...

In our thoughts

You're always near." She read. She then came back to the seat and quietly cried. I put my arm around her shoulders and kissed the side of her head.

"Good job babe." I whispered. She nodded. After the funeral service, we went to the cemetery, and after that we went to Uncle Alex's old house. Y/n mostly just sat on the couch with me. She would talk with some family members, but only if they came up to her. We went home and Y/n had a text from Emmy. It was a picture that someone had taken of Y/n and I at the cemetery. Although it probably wasn't the best time to take a picture of us, I still liked the picture. Y/n and I had been walking back to the car and we had our arms around each other.

"Do you mind if I post it?" Y/n asked.

"That's fine my love." I said. A little bit later, I got a notification that she had posted something on Instagram. It was the picture, and she had used a poem as her caption.

"'I will love you / as long as the sun / burns in the sky, / as long as the moon / shines its light / into the dark night, / until the raging / blue oceans become / calm and run dry. / I will love you / until the end of time.' - Christy Ann Martine. I'm so beyond thankful to have Shawn in my life. As soon as he found out about my uncle's death, he came home. He hasn't left my side since then, and for that, I will always be grateful. Thank you to the person who took this picture of Shawn and I as we were leaving the cemetery - it captures us as who we are, a couple that's there for each other. Thank you Shawn for being my best friend and the love of my life. I love you so much." She wrote.

"Beautiful my love. Beautiful. I love you too." I said. She gave me a small smile. Over time she got better. It took a while, but she did, and for that - and for her - I'm grateful.