I sat on the couch cuddled up to my boyfriend of almost three months, Shawn Mendes. I've been staying at his place for spring break. Ever since the very beginning of our relationship, Shawn and I have always been quite affectionate with each other. On our second date, way before we even started dating, I leaned my head on him and we shared our first few kisses, and I warned him that I'm an affection person, but he simply told me to bring it on. I love how affectionate Shawn and I are with each other, but sometimes I worry that I'm being too much.

I'm an over thinker. I'm probably overthinking it, right? But I don't want to annoy Shawn, I don't want to bother him, and I don't want to be too clingy. I feel like I'm too much, like I go to him too often. Sometimes I'll go to Shawn and just ask for a hug, and of course he gives me a hug, but maybe I ask him too much? I love being close to him, and I love Shawn so much. The thing is, I have so much love for him, and I appreciate him so much, that it's hard for me to put it into words, so I try to use touch instead. That's why I kiss his hand, his cheek, or will nuzzle my face against his neck. I try to convey how I feel through kisses, hugs, any type of touch. But as I continued to cuddle up to him, I felt like I was being too much.

"I'll be right back." I said as I got up. Shawn nodded as he continued to watch the television. I got up, went to the bathroom, and went back to the living room. I sat on a different part of the couch, away from Shawn, who immediately gave me a funny look.

"What are you doing sweetheart?" He asked. I shrugged as I looked at the television.

"I just wanted to sit over here. I'm closer to the windows so I can see your pretty view of Toronto." I said. I don't want to bother you.

"Okay darling." Shawn said. I didn't cuddle with him, hold his hand, or kiss him until we went to bed, where we cuddled up to each other. I fell asleep with my head on his chest and when I woke up, there was a note on Shawn's side of the bed saying that he had gone to the gym. I got up and got ready for the day. Soon, Shawn walked in.

"Hey." I said to him with a smile.

"Hi baby girl. How did you sleep?" He asked as he came over to me, placed one of his hands on my waist and gave me a quick kiss.

"Good. How was the gym?" I asked.

"Good. I'm going to get in the shower and then we can spend some time together, okay?" He asked. I smiled and nodded my head.

"Yeah." I said. Shawn gave me another quick kiss and then went into the shower. I went into Shawn's bedroom where my suitcases were, grabbed one of my books, and curled up on the couch with it. If he wanted to cuddle, I wasn't going to make the first move. I didn't want to upset him or annoy him. I read my book, my legs criss crossed underneath my body. The book was getting to a really good part, and it was like I couldn't stop reading.

"Do you like your new book Y/n?" Shawn asked as he stepped into the room. I looked up at him and nodded.

"Yeah, it's at a really good part." I said and then went right back to my book. I heard Shawn chuckle as he sat down on the couch.

Shawn's point of view

I stared at Y/n as she read. I couldn't help it, she just looked so beautiful. Her eyes went back and forth across the page. I could tell that she was excited about this part of the book, not just because she had said so, but also because she was reading it faster. I looked at the space in between us on the couch. I didn't like it. I wanted her to be closer to me.

"Y/n baby, do you want to lean against me while you read?" I asked. She looked at me for a couple of moments, taking into consideration what I had just asked.

"Do you want me to?" She asked. I nodded.

"Of course I do." I said. She nodded and moved so her body was against mine. Her back was against my side and I put my arm around her so my hand was resting on top of one of her knees. Her head was near mine and I kissed the top of her beautiful head as I rubbed the top of her knee.

"Is this okay?" She asked.

"This is perfect." I said before kissing her head again. I let myself rest my head against hers and close my eyes. I love being so close to her. I love being so affectionate with her. She's my everything.

"Shawn." Y/n said. I lifted my head up. She tilted her head back and I put my lips on hers. Even though the kiss was sideways, I didn't care. We kissed for a little bit before she lifted her head again and went back to her book. She read for a bit longer, and I just sat there with her, enjoying her presence, her company. I would kiss her head occasionally or rest my head against her. Eventually, she put the bookmark in the book and closed the book.

"Are you all done reading baby?" I asked as she sat up. She nodded.

"Yeah. Well, I'm all done reading for right now. I might read later." She said. I nodded and then heard her stomach grumble. I chuckled, her face turned red.

"Are you hungry sweetheart?" I asked. She nodded.

"Yeah." She said.

"Let's go to the kitchen so we can get you something to eat." I said. We stood up and walked to the kitchen. I couldn't help but notice that she didn't hold my hand or touch me at all, like she usually does. Instead, she kept her distance from me. Did I do something wrong?

"I think I'll just have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." She said. I nodded.

"Okay. Do you want me to make it for you?" I asked. She shook her head as she got the bread, peanut butter, and jelly out.

"No, I got it." She said. I nodded and went to sit down. Had I done something wrong? No, we were good... right? Y/n made her sandwich, and then sat down on the couch. When she finished eating, she didn't cuddle up to me like usual. I had the television on, and she just watched it.

"Y/n?" I asked. She looked at me.

"Hm?" She asked.

"Are you okay?" I asked. She nodded.

"Yeah." She said before looking back at the television. I looked at her for a few moments before looking at the television again. For the rest of the day, she kept her space from me. That night, when we got into bed, I wasn't sure of what to expect.

"Do you want to put your head on my chest like usual?" I asked as she got under the blankets.

"Is that okay?" She asked.

"Of course it is." I said, unsure as to why she was asking that. I felt her cuddle up to me like usual, her head on my chest. She tangled her feet with mine and I wrapped one of my arms around her shoulders. One of her hands was resting on my abs, so I placed my hand on hers.

"Good night Shawn. I love you." She said, already half asleep. Why hadn't she kissed my lips like she usually does before she goes to sleep? Why hadn't she kissed my jaw? I kissed the top of her head.

"Good night my love. I love you too." I said. She soon drifted off to sleep, but I laid there for a bit longer than usual, confused as to what had happened, why she was acting differently. I eventually fell asleep. I woke up to Y/n in my arms, asleep. Usually, I go to the gym in the morning, but something was off, and I wanted more time to hold my girl. I reached for my phone so I could text my trainer.

Me: Hey man, I'm taking the day off. Long story. I have to figure something out.

Josh: That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow?

Me: Yeah.

I put my phone down and looked at Y/n again. She was still asleep, her head on my chest. The sunlight was coming in and hitting her face perfectly, causing her to glow. She's always able to take my breath away. I know that I'm the luckiest man alive to be able to wake up to such a wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking woman. I kissed the top of her head lightly and then began to lightly rub her shoulder with my thumb. She began to stir after a little bit. Soon, she opened her eyes and looked at me with a smile.

"Good morning gorgeous." I said.

"Good morning handsome. Don't you have the gym?" She asked.

"I'm taking the day off. You only have a couple days left and I want to spend more time with you." I said. She nodded her head.

"We should get up." She said. I shook my head.

"No, you're still tired, I can tell. Let's lay here for a bit longer." I said.

"Okay." She said. I rolled over onto my side and held her close to me. I just wanted to be with her. Was she about to break up with me? I can't lose her, oh my gosh. She's the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I rested my forehead against hers and watched her close her eyes. I put my hand underneath her shirt so I could rub the skin on her back, I needed to be close to her. I kept my eyes open as I watched her beautiful face. I kissed her forehead before moving my head so I could look at her again. She had a little smile on her face, and I knew it was from the forehead kiss. If she likes it when I'm being affectionate, why doesn't she reciprocate it?

"Y/n." I whispered. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

"Yeah?" She asked. My eyes filled with tears, scared of the answer that she would give me to what I was about to ask.

"Are you about to break up with me?" I asked. Her eyes went as wide as plates as she sat up, so I did too. She moved the blankets so she was straddling my lap, and she held my face in her hands. I could see the tears in her eyes as well.

"No, no, no. Oh my gosh. Did I make you think that?" She asked. I looked down and nodded a little bit.

"Yeah." I whispered. Y/n pulled me in for a hug as we both began to cry.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's not what I - I didn't mean for you to think that. I'm so sorry." She kept saying. I pulled my head away so I could look at her as my tears slowed.

"I just want to know why you've been so distant. You won't touch me, you're barely saying I love you." I said.

"I do love you, I love you so damn much. I just - ugh, I'm sorry, um, let me try to explain this." She said. She got off of my lap, sat next to me, and held my hands in hers.

"We were always so affectionate with each other and then all the sudden you weren't touching me at all and you were asking if it was okay to cuddle. I don't understand. I'm not mad or upset, I'm just confused." I said. She was still crying a bit as she nodded and explained to me why she had been distant.

"I'm going to try and explain this. Um, so, I have a lot of love for you. Like, a lot, and I can't put it into words. I also really appreciate you and everything you do for me, and I can't put it into words because it's a lot. Sometimes, I feel like just saying I love you, or I appreciate you, isn't enough, so I try to use touch. When I'm kissing your hands, your cheeks, when I'm nuzzling my face against your neck, that's my way of saying I love you and I appreciate you. Also, there are times when we're not together and we're far away from each other, so when we are together, I love to be close to you. I love to give you hugs and kisses and everything. Even if it's just a little bit of touch, I still love it. When we cuddle, sometimes I close my eyes and I try to memorize all of the feelings of cuddling with you, and then, when we're apart from each other, I close my eyes, and I remember what it feels like to cuddle with you, and it helps me a lot." Y/n explained.

"But I don't understand. These are all good things baby." I said.

"Yes, but I started to overthink all of it yesterday." She said, still crying a bit.

"What do you mean?" I asked. She took a deep breath before speaking.

"I started to get worried that I was being too much. I was worried that I was being too affection and too clingy. I was worried that I was annoying you and bothering you and upsetting you, so I thought that you would like it if I put space between us." She said. Tears sprang to my eyes again and then fell to my cheeks.

"Well I didn't like it. I hated it. I felt so far away from you. I love how affectionate we are with each other, I love it when you randomly ask to hug me, I love it when you nuzzle your face against my neck, I love all of your kisses. Baby, talk to me next time, okay?" I asked. She nodded.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She said.

"It's okay. I want you beside me for the rest of the day, okay? Actually, I want you beside me for the rest of our lives. How does that sound?" I asked. She nodded with a big smile on her face as she wiped her tears away and I wiped mine away.

"That sounds perfect." She said. She moved over so she was straddling my lap again and she tugged on my shirt a little, signaling that she wanted it off. I nodded, giving her permission to take it off of me.

"I love you." I said.

"I love you too. I need to be close to you. I need your skin against mine." She said. I nodded and took her shirt off of her. I threw our shirts on the floor, and when I turned my head back to face her, she put her lips on mine. I put all of my love into the kiss and I could tell that she put all of her love into the kiss as well. I moved her body so she was laying down and I was hovering over her.

"I love you. I love you so much Y/n." I said.

"I love you too. So much. Would it be okay if I wrote you a love letter some time?" She asked. I smiled and nodded.

"Of course it is sweetheart." I said. She smiled at me as one of her hands rubbed my cheek.

"Shawn." She whispered. I let myself slowly drop my weight on her. I buried my face in her neck and closed my eyes. She began to play with my hair as she kissed the side of my head.

"Y/n. Stay." I whispered as she wrapped her legs around my waist. Just that one day of having her at a distance was terrible. She was close enough to touch, but I thought she didn't want me to.

"I'm here baby boy, I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry." She said.

"It's okay. I love you." I said.

"I love you more." She said. I picked my head up and kissed her with a passion before pulling away and shaking my head at her.

"No. I love you more than anything in this whole damn world." I said before laying back down on her. She held me for a bit longer before we got up. We spent the rest of the day together, and for the rest of her time at my place, we stayed close together. I love Y/n so much.