I sat on the couch in the living room of my boyfriend's place. My boyfriend, the singer and songwriter Shawn Mendes, was sitting outside on his balcony with his guitar. He would strum his guitar and then write down some lyrics. We've been dating for a little over five months, and they have been the best five months of my life. I looked at Shawn as he sat outside. Before he had gone outside, he had told me that he was about to write a song about me.

I love Shawn more than anything, and I know that I could never put my love for him into words. He's the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I know that he feels the same way about me. But what if someday he falls out of love with me? That's what happened to my parents. My dad stopped loving my mom and then he left. What if Shawn leaves me? Life without Shawn is something that I couldn't bare. Ever since my dad left, my biggest fear has been that someday the one that I love is going to stop loving me and leave me. I don't know how I've never told Shawn this, but I haven't.

My breathing started to change and I felt my anxiety kick in as the possibility that one day Shawn could stop loving me and leave me popped into my head. What can I do to keep him happy? I closed my eyes, slowed my breathing down, and then grabbed my laptop. I could've gone outside and talked to Shawn about the fact that I was scared out of my mind that he was going to stop loving me and leave me, but that's not what I did. Instead, I did some retail therapy.

I checked my bank account, which I hadn't touched recently, so the number was good. I found a website that sold jewelry, and found a necklace perfect for Shawn. It was two hands holding each other. Shawn and I love to hold hands, sometimes I trace his palm and play with his fingers when we're sitting together and he loves it. After buying the necklace, I went to another website that sold clothing, and saw some shirts that had floral prints on them. One of the shirts was white with red roses on it, another was white with gray flowers, and another shirt was a t-shirt that had a drawing of a tea bag on it and it said "It's a tea shirt" which I had a feeling Shawn would like. I knew his shirt size, and if it didn't fit for some reason, we could just return it and get a different size.

After placing the orders for Shawn's necklace and shirts, I thought that my anxiety would settle, but it didn't. Would he be mad at me for spending almost a hundred dollars on him? I did it to keep him happy, to keep him as my boyfriend. I looked outside again, and Shawn was still sitting there. He was working, I didn't want to disturb him, but as the thoughts of Shawn leaving me continued to disturb my mind, my anxiety only got worse, and I knew that I needed to talk to him. I got up, my whole body shaking, and went outside to him. He looked at me with a smile which quickly faded as he put his guitar and lyrics away and opened up his arms when he saw the state that I was in.

"Y/n? What's wrong?" He asked. My anxiety was at a full on panic attack by now, and my whole body was shaking and it was like I couldn't breathe.

"Pan-panic attack." I said. His eyes went wide and he reached over to a water bottle that he had nearby.

"Can you take a few slow sips of this for me please?" Shawn asked. I nodded and took the cold water from him. My hands were shaking really bad as I brought the water to my lips, but I was able to manage a few sips before giving him the bottle back.

"Shawn." I whimpered.

"Come here baby. I'm right here. I've got you." He said as he picked me up and held me in his lap. The day after Valentine's Day, I told him about my panic attacks and what helps them. He knew that it would help the shaking if he held me.

"I c-can't stop shaking." I said as he kissed my head and held me.

"I know. You're okay baby, you're safe. I've got you and I'm not letting go. Do you know what triggered this?" Shawn asked. I felt bad when I saw the worry in his eyes. I nodded.

"Y-yes." I said.

"What was it?" He asked. I buried my face in his neck and gripped his shirt. He held me close to him and rubbed my back.

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me." I said as I continued to grip his shirt tightly.

"I'm not leaving you baby, I'm right here. I would never leave you." Shawn said. I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

"My dad left. He stopped loving my mom and he left. They were together for twenty years, and someday you're not going to love me anymore and you're going to leave me." I said as I began to cry. Shawn held me close to him.

"Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n, I want you to listen to me carefully, okay?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay." I said as I looked at the love of my life.

"I love you more than anything in this world. I could write all of the love songs in the world, I could find all of the love quotes ever said, and none of them could ever compare to my love for you. You're my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life, you're my everything. I love you so damn much baby, and that's never going to change. I promise. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." Shawn said as he placed my hand over his heart so I could feel it beating. My crying slowed down as I nodded.

"I'm sorry that I worried you." I said.

"It's okay baby." He said.

"Um, that's my biggest fear by the way - that you're going to stop loving me and leave me." I said. Shawn kissed my forehead and the spot that he kissed was left feeling tingly even after his lips were no longer there. After he kissed my forehead, he rested his forehead against mine.

"I'm always going to love you, bunny." He said in a whisper. Our faces were so close together that when he spoke, I could feel the warmth of he breath on my lips. I stared at him for a moment, still not fully convinced by his words.

"I've given you a lot of power. I've given you my whole heart, I've shared stories with you and parts of myself that I've never shared with anyone else. You have the power to crush my heart in the blink of an eye. I don't think you'll do it right now, I know you love me, but I'm scared that in twenty years you'll look at me and ask yourself why the hell you ever asked me on a first date in the first place. You'll regret marrying me, you'll regret every memory with me, you'll regret ever laying eyes on me." I said as tears began to fall from my cheeks again. Shawn, keeping his eyes locked with mine, fumbled to find my hand and he gently squeezed it three times - one of our ways of saying I love you - and I did it back.

"You know, I've given you that same exact power. But I trust that you won't fall out of love with me. I'm always going to be grateful beyond words for the moment I laid eyes on you, and I'm always going to be grateful for each and every second with you. I'm never going to regret any of it. Do you think you'll ever regret anything with me?" Shawn asked. For some reason our whole conversation was in soft whispers.

"Oh God no. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I could never regret you and I could never stop loving you." I said, our foreheads still resting together as he held my body close to his.

"Exactly, that's how I feel about you. Do you remember the other day when I asked you what your favorite memory with me from before we went public is?" Shawn asked. I nodded.

"Yeah." I said.

"What was your answer?" He asked. I smiled at the memory. I felt Shawn's thumb gently rub against the top of my fingers, soothing me.

"It was the day after we went public. You had gotten a hotel room, and I was sitting on your lap. I kissed your cheek and you turned your head, and your face was so close to mine that our lips were almost touching, and our eyes locked together. It was like, it was like I saw flashes of our future together when we locked eyes." I said.

"And what did you see in those flashes of our future together?" Shawn asked, all of this still in a whisper.

"I saw you with a ring, down on one knee. I saw you crying with a smile on your face while I walked down the aisle to you. I saw you in a hospital gown and one of those hair nets holding a baby, and I saw you and I sitting side by side in wheelchairs, and we were both old and wrinkly with gray hair." I said. Shawn smiled and nodded his head against mine.

"That's right. All of that is going to happen, alright my love?" Shawn asked.

"Okay. I love you." I said.

"I love you too." Shawn said. I picked my head up and put my lips on his. I felt my heart race as if I had just run a marathon, I felt butterflies erupt and fly around in my tummy, and I felt sparks shoot through me like fireworks. Shawn and I put all of our love in the kiss and when we pulled away, we had smiles on our faces. The smile fell from my lips when I remembered something.

"Oh, um, I did something when I was anxious, before I came out here." I said, no longer whispering.

"What did you do baby?" Shawn asked.

"Um, I don't know why, but I thought that maybe if I bought you stuff, it would keep you happy, and that would keep you as my boyfriend and keep you in my life, so I bought some stuff." I said as I looked down. Shawn put his finger underneath my chin and lifted my head up so I was looking into his beautiful caramel eyes.

"You don't have to buy me things to keep me happy and to keep me in your life. Just be yourself and I'll be the happiest man alive, okay?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay." I said.

"Good. How much did you spend?" He asked. I sighed.

"Um, in total it was like, a little less than a hundred dollars." I said. Shawn found my hand again and gently squeezed it again.

"I don't want you spending a lot of money on me baby." He said.

"I checked my bank account before I did it, and it's fine. You spoil me and you deserve to be spoiled. Oh Shawny, I wish I could give you the world. I wish I could buy you all of the guitars and all of the pianos and all of the Harry Potter themed gifts. I would buy you the world if that's what you want." I said. Shawn smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"I appreciate that, but you don't need to do that. I'm perfectly content with what I have. What did you buy me, darling?" Shawn asked.

"I got you a necklace, and it's two hands that are holding each other. I feel like it's fitting because you and I like to hold hands a lot. I got you a couple of dress shirts that have floral patterns on them, maybe you can wear them for one of our date nights, and I got you a t-shirt that has a drawing of a tea bag on it and it says 'It's a tea shirt.'" I said with a smile. Shawn smiled back at me and gave me a kiss.

"Thank you for getting me those gifts baby." He said.

"You're welcome. Um, I have a favor to ask." I said.

"What's up my love?" Shawn asked.

"So, I know that I'm calm about my biggest fear right now, but I was just wondering if maybe you could record a message for me in the voice memos on my phone in case there's a time that we're away from each other and I get anxious about my biggest fear. Is that okay?" I asked. Shawn nodded.

"Of course it is. Where's your phone?" Shawn asked. I got up, went inside, got my phone, and brought it out to him.

"Here you go." I said.

"Okay. Why don't you sit inside and read, and I'll come inside when I'm done?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay." I said and went inside. I got a book and read. A few minutes later, Shawn came inside.

"Here you go bunny." He said with a smile.

"Thank you. Do you mind if I listen to it right now?" I asked. He shook his head.

"No, that's fine. I have to go get my guitar and those lyrics, I'll be right back, but go ahead and listen to it." Shawn said.

"Okay." I said as I nodded and hit play as he went to get his stuff and then come back in. As I listened to the recording, I did what Shawn told me to do.

"Hello my sweet girl. If you're listening to this, that means that you're worried that I'm going to stop loving you and leave you. It also means that I'm not with you. I want you to do a few things for me, okay? I want you to close your eyes and take three deep breaths in, hold them, and then let them out. Your brain can't focus on a panic attack and your breathing at the same time.

"Keep your eyes closed for me, okay darling? Picture us together. Picture my arms around you while you sit on my lap, your back is against my chest, and my chin is on your shoulder. Your hands are over mine, just like always, right? I bet you can feel me playing with your fingers, I've only done it a million times. Can you feel me playing with your rings too? Can you feel me kissing your beautiful cheek?

"Listen to me, my love. I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. I've loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. The day we met, I took one look at you and I knew that I'd be marrying you someday. I know we're not there yet, but I promise you that I'll make you my wife someday. I fell for you, and then, what made all of this so much more beautiful, was that you fell for me too. I wish you could know the relief and joy I felt when I heard you say that you love me too on Valentine's Day after I told you how I feel about you.

"Sweet girl, you're so wonderful in so many ways. I love everything about you. I love how smart you are. I love how kind, caring, nice, sweet, loving, generous, and funny you are. You're always there for others to help them in any way that you can. You love making people smile, you love making people laugh. I don't know if you know this, but when I'm with you, I smile a little bigger and I laugh a bit more. That's because of you sweetheart.

"You're so damn beautiful. Oh my God. I love waking up before you. Did you know that? Do you know what my biggest goal in life is besides marrying you and spending the rest of my life with you? It's to wake up to you every morning that I can. I love waking up with your head on my chest, and the sunlight comes in, and it hits your face perfectly. Oh my God. You glow. You take my breath away every time, and I just lay there, staring at you. I don't care if it's creepy, I stay there, staring at you, thinking about the fact that I'm the luckiest man alive to be able to wake up to the most breathtaking woman in the world. I always want to rub your back or kiss your forehead, but you're such a light sleeper that I'm worried that I'll wake you up, and I don't want to wake you up. I want you to get all the rest you can. I love that the first thing you do every single morning is smile at me. You have the most beautiful smile ever. Damn, I'm pretty sure that your smile could cure everything bad in the world.

"I love you Y/n. I love you so much. I love the scars on your ankle from the surgery you had in seventh grade. I love the stretch marks on your thighs and your stomach. I love the extra skin on your arms that you hate. I also love the things that you like about yourself. I love your eyes - I fell for those beautiful y/e/c eyes before I fell for anything else. I love your ears because they help you hear beautiful music. I love your teeth - I know that you don't like pictures of yourself from before you had braces because your teeth stick out a bit, but it's cute, I promise. I love every single part of you, both physical and non physical. I will never stop loving you, and I will never leave you. Ever. I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere darling. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I'm right here. I love you Y/n Y/l/n. Open your eyes." Shawn said. I opened my eyes as the recording ended, tears on my cheeks, Shawn sitting nearby as he smiled at me. I got up and hugged him.

"I love you too. That was wonderful and perfect. Thank you for that." I said. I love Shawn so much and I'm so grateful for him and his love.

The gifts you got Shawn: