I've been dating the singer and songwriter Shawn Mendes for a little over a year. I was visiting him in Toronto when the behind the scenes videos and pictures of his music video with Camila Cabello came out. Shawn was laying in bed asleep as I watched the behind the scenes part two video. The first part was painful to watch, and part two was just as painful to watch.

As I watched the videos, I watched as Shawn picked Camila up and put her against the wall the same way that he did to me. I watched as he laid her on the bed the same way he does to me. I watched as they hugged the same way that him and I do, and I saw the way that he looked at her. It's the same way he looks at me. I suddenly realized that I had tears running down my face. I needed to confront Shawn about this. He may have been acting, but I've seen him and Camila when they're not acting, and it's the same type of hugs and stuff. He looks like he's in love with her.

I got up and went into Shawn's bedroom. I changed out of his clothes, which I had been wearing, and put my own clothes on. I was hurt. Shawn had given me a promise ring a year ago and promised me that he would marry me someday, and that we would have kids someday, but after seeing the way that he looked at her, I realized that I wasn't the right person for him. He should be with her, not me. I sat down on the couch in his living room and tried to watch television to get my mind off of the pain, but it didn't work. Soon, Shawn woke up and sat down next to me. I just stared at the tv.

"Hey baby girl. How did you sleep?" He asked.

"Good. How did you sleep?" I asked.

"Good. Are you okay? You're not wearing my clothes like you usually do, and you won't even look at me right now." He said. I paused the tv and turned to him. Tears filled my eyes.

"Do you love me?" I asked. Shawn's eyes widened.

"What? Of course I do, you know that." He said.

"Do you love Camila?" I asked.

"As a friend, yes, but not romantically." He said.

"Are you sure? Because after seeing tons of pictures of you guys, and those behind the scenes videos and pictures and seeing how you guys are with each other... I honestly think that you're in love with her." I said. His eyes widened as he turned to me more.

"Y/n are you hearing yourself? I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with you." He said. I shook my head.

"That's not what it looks like though." I said.

"That's for a music video, we were acting." Shawn said.

"But I've seen you guys together when it's not for a music video. Do you realize that you look at her the same way that you look at me?" I asked. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"What can I do to fix this?" He asked. I thought for a moment.

"I don't know. I'm just so sick of feeling this jealousy and I'm so sick of seeing the comments on my Instagram posts from your fans saying that you should leave me for her." I said.

"Okay, so ignore those comments, or I'll do a live stream or something to tell the fans to stop." Shawn said.

"Shawn, the comments aren't what's bothering me the most. It's the way that you guys act like a couple sometimes. The way that you guys are with each other is the same way that you are with me." I said.

"Okay, I need to fix this because I can't lose you. I want to marry you someday and have kids with you." Shawn said. I was crying.

"Are you sure that you want that with me? Or do you want that with Camila?" I asked.

"You, Y/n, I want that with you. Please, I can't lose you." Shawn said. I sighed and looked down, my heart breaking since I knew what I was about to say next.

"I think that we should take a break at least. That way, you can really figure out who you want. I love you Shawn, I do, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I can't feel secure, I can't feel like you're really in love with me and you actually want me, if you're looking at another girl like that." I said. Shawn began to cry.

"Please Y/n. I love you, not Camila. You. It's been you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You're the one." Shawn said.

"You say that but it's very hard for me to believe right now. Um, I'm going to see if I can get a plane ticket and see if my brother can pick me up at the airport. Shawn, this is just a break. It's not forever, but if you decide that Camila is who you want, I'll understand." I said as I got up. I went into his bedroom and shut the door. I bought a plane ticket and my brother said he would pick me up. I went back out to the living room.

"Please Y/n." Shawn said. I realized something. The promise ring. I began crying again as I looked at it.

"Um, you should take this and give it to the right girl." I said as I took off the promise ring and gave it to him. He sobbed as he took it.

"I love you. Please don't end what we have. Please don't leave." He said. I sat down next to him.

"Shawn, please don't make this any harder than it already is. I love you too, but I need to do what I feel is best, okay? I'll take an uber to the airport or something." I said as I reached for my phone.

"No, I'll drive you." He said.

"No, because you're crying too much to see, and you wouldn't drive me to the airport, you would just drive around trying to get me to stay." I said.

"Damn, you know me. Um, do you want me to call Brian?" He asked. I shrugged.

"Sure." I said. He nodded and called Brian. I sat there and my heart broke as he told Brian about what happened. He hung up and then looked at me.

"He'll be here soon." Shawn said. I nodded.

"Okay. I have to finish packing my stuff." I said. Shawn nodded.

"Do you, um, do you need help?" Shawn asked. I shook my head.

"No. I'm good. Thank you though." I said. He nodded and I went into his bedroom, where my suitcase was. I took out his hoodies and put them on his bed. I cried quietly as I did this. This wasn't what I wanted, but I needed a break, and if I'm really the one for him, and if we're really meant to be together, then we'll find our way back to each other. I finished packing and went into the living room. Shawn looked at me, tears running down his face.

"I'm going to fight for you. I promise. I'm not letting you go without a fight." Shawn said.

"Figure out what you want first. Figure out who you want first, and then decide who you'll fight for." I said.

"You. It's you. Can't you see it?" He asked.

"Obviously not." I said. He hung his head for a moment and then looked at me.

"Fans are going to wonder why we aren't posting about each other. They're going to know that something is up. Should we address it first before any rumors start?" Shawn asked.

"What do you mean? What would we do?" I asked.

"Like, let's post something on Instagram. Let's both make a post on Instagram and explain that we're taking a break." Shawn said. I thought for a moment before nodding.

"Okay." I said. I still had about a half hour or so before Brian got here. Shawn and I sat down and made our posts, just like always, he posted first. He posted the picture of us where I was hugging him and his face wasn't really being shown because his head was down a bit. I read his caption.

"Y/n and I have decided to take a break from our relationship. We want to address this first, ourselves, before rumors start. I'll always love Y/n, and I know that Y/n will always love me, but she's having a hard time seeing my love for her. Please don't send her hate for this, she's doing what she feels is best, and we need to respect that. At the same time, I can promise you that I'm going to fight for her. I can't lose her. I'll be taking a break from social media. I love you guys. Xx - Shawn" He captioned it. I posted a picture of me sitting on his lap as he kissed my cheek and I smiled at the camera.

"I love Shawn, I do, but when I see pictures or videos of him looking at another girl the same way he looks at me and stuff like that, it hurts. Shawn and I are going to take a break. I know that I've hurt Shawn, and trust me, that's the last thing that I want, but I need to take care of myself. This is just a break. If, after some soul searching, Shawn really does decide that I'm the one, then we'll work things out. But right now, even though he says I'm the one, I'm struggling to believe it. Please respect our privacy at this time." I wrote. Shawn saw it and liked the post. I disabled the comments on it. Shawn looked at me.

"I love that picture of us." He said. I nodded.

"I do too. Shawn, I just, I just need you to really think about things. Think everything through. Think about your history with Camila, and think about your history with me. Just, at least give this break a week or so. If, after this soul searching, you realize that it's Camila... okay. I'll, I'll understand, I guess. But if, after this soul searching, you realize that it really is me, then let me know. I love you Shawn." I said.

"I love you too." He said as we both cried. There was a knock at the door and Shawn got it. It was Brian.

"Hey Y/n." Brian said as he took some of my luggage. He was definitely upset with me.

"Hi Brian." I said. I looked at Shawn and he gave me a weak smile.

"Can I give you a hug?" Shawn asked. I nodded.

"Yeah." I said. He put his arms around my waist and I put my arms around his shoulders. Just like always, when his arms were around me, I felt like I was home, but I needed to do this. Was I doing the right thing? I don't know. I let go of Shawn and looked at my luggage.

"I'm going to fight for you." Shawn said. I looked at him and nodded.

"I hope you do. I want you to be mine forever, and I want to be yours forever, but I need you to do some soul searching, and I need you to look into your heart." I said. Shawn nodded.

"Okay. Bye Y/n." He said. Tears fell onto my cheeks. If I spoke, I would break down sobbing, so instead, I just nodded, and left. I flew home and cried like never before when I got home. I explained it all to my mom and she just nodded and tried to comfort me.

A week and a half later

I haven't been doing so well ever since I told Shawn that we needed to take a break. I felt weird without the promise ring that he had given me the day after we said I love you to each other for the first time. My best friend would come over and try to cheer me up, but it didn't work. Nothing seemed to work. I got a lot of hate, so I deleted Instagram and Twitter from my phone.

I drove into Boston. I needed some fresh air, and I needed to be with nature. I went to the bench that's dedicated to my uncle and sat down. I tried to forget about the fact that Shawn and I had our second date here and our first kiss. I tried to forget about the fact that Shawn and I had opened up to each other on this bench. I tried to forget that this was where he saw me cry for the first time. I tried to forget all of it, but I couldn't. Everything around me reminded me of Shawn.

I tried to focus on the river that was in front of me, and what it looked like today. But all I could think about was the fact that it looked almost exactly like it did when Shawn and I were here. I stared at the river. I was oblivious to anything around me. I wondered if Shawn was thinking about me, if he had made a decision or anything.

"I thought that I might find you here." A male voice said. I looked, and there was Shawn. He was holding a bouquet of pink tulips, just like he had on the day that he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was wearing dark jeans and a graphic t-shirt. I was shocked to see him.

"Hi." I said.

"Hi. Can I, um, can I sit next to you?" He asked. I nodded and scooted over.

"Yeah, yeah." I said. He sat down next to me and looked at the flowers. He then handed them to me.

"These are for you." He said. I gave him a small smile.

"Thank you. They're beautiful." I said.

"Just like you." He said, making me blush. I looked down, but he chuckled, knowing that I was blushing. I looked at him. He didn't look the same. His eyes looked sad and although he had just chuckled, there was no trace of a smile on his lips.

"So, um, how have you been?" I asked, afraid of the answer. Shawn looked at me.

"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?" He asked.

"You know that I don't like liars." I said. He nodded and looked out at the river as he spoke.

"Everything seems to suck. You were my everything. You still are. I barely eat. I don't go to the gym. I don't do things that I would normally do. I either don't sleep at all or I sleep the whole day, and when I do sleep, I dream of you and I being happy together. When I'm awake, I sit there and go on YouTube and watch the live streams that we've done together, or I look at the pictures and videos of us that I have on my phone. You never leave my mind. You've been on my mind since the day we met." Shawn said. I nodded, unsure of what to say. Shawn looked at me. "How have you been?" He asked. I sighed, and now it was my turn to look at the river.

"The same as you basically. I can barely focus in class. I try my hardest to focus, but I hear something and it makes me think of you, and there have been two times now that I've had to step out of class so I could compose myself. My psychology professor, the one who likes to tease me, he even knew that something was off. I cried in his office the other day. But it's like, everywhere I go, no matter where I am, I see something or I hear something that makes me think of you. There have been so many times where I've almost called you, but then I remembered that we're on a break, and stopped myself." I said. There was a pause in the conversation. I wanted to lean on him, but I didn't.

"I did a lot of soul searching and listening to my heart. I already knew what the answer was, but whenever I couldn't sleep, which has been quite often, I would journal my feelings. One night, I just wrote the sentence 'I want Y/n back.' over and over. Another night, I wrote about how much I love you and what I love about you and what I miss about and stuff like that. So, I um, I finished the soul searching." He said. I looked at him, and he was already looking at me. My heart began to race.

"And?" I asked nervously.

"I don't want Camila. I've never been in love with her. But you? Oh gosh, I'm so in love with you that it's unbelievable. I can't even put it into words. I don't want anyone to wear the promise ring that I gave you but you. I want to marry you someday and I want to have kids and grandkids with you someday. When I told Camila what happened, she said that even if I wanted to be with her, she would say no because she sees me like a brother. But I don't want her like that. She's my friend, but you? Y/n you're the love of my life. You're my everything and all I want is you. You're it for me. You're the one." Shawn said. Tears fell onto my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you Shawn. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to, but I just, I felt like you were in love with Camila. I don't know why I didn't listen to you when you were telling me that you love me and stuff like that. I'm so sorry Shawn." I said.

"It's okay, it's okay. You did what you felt was best. If you want to read those journal entries, the ones that I wrote about how much I love you and what I love about you and how much I missed you, you can." He said. I shook my head.

"No, no those are personal, they're yours. I want to lean on you so badly right now." I said with a small laugh. Shawn smiled.

"I want you to lean on me, but first I want to know if you'll be my girlfriend again?" Shawn asked. I nodded and smiled.

"Yes! Of course I will Shawn!" I said. Shawn's smile widened and he put his lips on mine. I felt my heart race as if I had just run a marathon, I felt butterflies erupt and fly around in my tummy, and I felt fireworks shoot through my body. We pulled away, smiled at each other, and I leaned on him. He held me nice and tight.

"Oh my gosh it feels so good to hold you in my arms again." Shawn said. I giggled.

"It feels so good to be held by you again. I love you." I said. Shawn kissed the top of my head.

"I love you too." He said. I closed my eyes and held him close to me.

"How long are you in town for?" I asked as he began to rub my back.

"I'll be in town for two weeks." He said. I looked up at him and we smiled at each other.

"Let's never talk about this ever again please." I said. He nodded.

"Okay baby. Should we make a post on Instagram saying that we're back together?" Shawn asked.

"Well, we should probably tell our families and friends first. Wait, does your family hate me?" I asked. He shook his head.

"No, not at all." He said.

"Okay. Let's tell our friends and families and then we'll post that we're back together on Instagram." I said. Shawn nodded. I redownloaded Twitter and Instagram and Shawn and I told our friends and family that we had gotten back together and they were all happy for us.

"Oh my gosh." Shawn said.

"What?" I asked.

"I almost forgot to give you this." Shawn said. He pulled a ring out of his pocket.

"The promise ring! Will you put it on me again please?" I asked. He nodded and put it on me as he smiled. We then took a selfie of us kissing, and another one of me leaning on Shawn as he held me. He posted the selfie of us kissing. I read his caption.

"I'm happy beyond words right now. The past week and a half has been hard, but I have the love of my life back in my arms again, and we're boyfriend and girlfriend again. I love you so much Y/n Y/l/n!" Shawn wrote. I smiled and liked the post. I then posted the picture of me leaning on Shawn as he held me.

"His arms are my favorite place to be. So happy to be back with my favorite person and best friend. I love you Shawny baby!" I wrote. Shawn gave me a kiss when he saw the post.

"Wait, can you say that out loud?" He asked. I looked at him.

"Can I say what out loud?" I asked.

"That nickname. I've missed hearing you call me that nickname." He said. I smiled and cupped his face in my hands.

"I love you Shawny baby." I said. He smiled and kissed me passionately. We then pulled away and I nuzzled my face into his neck.

"I love you too Y/n baby." Shawn said. I smiled and closed my eyes, content to be back in the arms of the man that I love so much.

The picture that you had posted:

The picture that Shawn had posted: