I'm engaged to the singer and songwriter Shawn Mendes. Tour has been over for a few months, so Shawn and I are finally able to sit down and plan the wedding. I recently bought my wedding dress, and even though I loved it and felt beautiful in it, I realized that I should probably lose some weight for the wedding. I know that I still have about a year before the wedding, but alterations can be made to the dress so it fits me better. Shawn and I belong to a local gym, but I don't go that much. I should start going there.

I got out of bed. Shawn was still asleep. I went into the bathroom and weighed myself. I didn't like the number that I saw. I'll try to lose about thirty or forty pounds. That should be enough, right? I got changed into some shorts, a sports bra, and a tank top. I put my sneakers on and left Shawn a note saying that I had gone to the gym, but I would be back later. I grabbed my headphones and my phone, and went to the gym.

When I got there, I immediately went on the treadmill. I started off at a walk, and then worked myself up to a jog, and then a run. Shawn had once made me a playlist on my phone for when I go to the gym. I hit shuffle as I began to run and Lose Yourself by Eminem started to play. I continued to run as Believer by Imagine Dragons started to play. I just kept running, but then I finally slowed it to a jog, then I slowed it to a walk. I turned off the playlist and went home. Shawn smiled at me when I walked in.

"Hey pretty girl. How was the gym?" He asked.

"Good but now I'm all sweaty." I said as I kicked my sneakers off.

"Well how about I join you in the shower? Do you want me to wash your hair?" He asked, knowing that I find it soothing when he washes my hair. I smiled and nodded.

"I would love that." I said. Shawn smiled at me and came up to me.

"Okay, but I need a kiss first." He said. Before I could respond, he put his lips on mine. I felt my heart race as if I had just run a marathon, I felt sparks shoot through me like fireworks, and I felt butterflies erupt and fly around in my tummy. We went upstairs and he started the water. We then got in.

"This feels nice." I said as Shawn washed my hair.

"Good, I'm glad. So what did you do at the gym?" Shawn asked.

"I went on the treadmill and I used the playlist that you made me. I started at a walk and then went to a jog and then did a run." I said.

"How much did you run?" Shawn asked. I thought for a moment.

"I think it was like, a mile or something." I said.

"Wow, good job babe! I'm proud of you. Just don't push yourself too much, okay?" Shawn asked.

"Okay. Thank you for being proud of me." I said as Shawn finished washing my hair. I turned around and looked at him. He was smiling at me.

"You're welcome my love. Next time you go to the gym, let me know, and I'll go with you." He said as he handed me my loofa. I put body wash on it and he did the same to his loofa.

"But you looked so peaceful when you were sleeping. You looked like an angel or something." I said. Shawn chuckled.

"Well, I want to go to the gym with you babe. Please?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay." I said.

"Thank you baby girl." Shawn said before kissing my cheek. I smiled at him. The next day, I woke up earlier and then woke Shawn up.

"Shawn, Shawn wake up. It's time to go to the gym. Come on, wake up Shawn." I said as I gently shook him to wake him up.

"Huh?" He asked.

"Come on, time to get up and go to the gym." I said.

"What time is it?" Shawn asked.

"Five thirty in the morning. The gym opens soon. By the time that we get dressed and get ready and get to the gym, it will be open." I said.

"I want to sleep." Shawn said.

"Shawn, you said that you would go with me and you even told me that you wanted me to wake you up. Please? You're my biggest motivator." I said. Shawn finally sat up.

"Okay." He said. I smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you baby. We should go grocery shopping later." I said as we got out of bed and went towards our closet.

"Why do we need to go grocery shopping? We have food in the house." Shawn asked and said.

"Because we need healthier foods in the house." I said. I didn't want to tell Shawn that I wanted to lose weight. I didn't want to tell Shawn how much weight I wanted to lose. He would get upset and tell me not to do this.

"Okay baby." He said as we got changed into gym clothes.

"Thank you for coming with me." I said as we drove to the gym.

"Of course darling. Anything for my soon to be wife. Can you believe it babe? We're going to get married." Shawn said as he drove.

"I know. I'm excited. They're doing some alterations to my wedding dress." I said.

"Really? What are they doing to it?" Shawn asked.

"Well, there was a part of it that was see through, and I don't want it to be see through, so they're fixing that, and they're putting straps on it." I said.

"Okay." Shawn said. We soon got to the gym.

"I'm going to get on the treadmill again." I said. Shawn nodded.

"I'll get on the one next to you." He said.

"Okay. I'm going to put my headphones on." I said. Shawn nodded and we each got on a treadmill. I became obsessed with my weight. Each morning, Shawn and I would go to the gym, but what Shawn didn't know was that every morning, before I woke him up, I would weigh myself and keep a log of it in the notes app on my phone. I knew that it wasn't healthy, but I kept doing it.

"I have a craving for McDonald's. Should we get McDonald's?" Shawn asked when we were in the car coming home from the gym one day.

"No! That will defeat everything that we just did." I said.

"It's just one day. We should have one cheat day." He said.

"No. You can get something at McDonald's, but I won't." I said. Shawn nodded and we went home. One day, I woke up before Shawn. I went into the bathroom to weigh myself, just like usual. I had gained weight. How? How had I gained weight? I had been eating right, I had gone on a diet, I was going to the gym every single day. I put the number that had been on the scale in my phone, and began to cry. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my back.

"Baby? Are you okay? What's wrong?" Shawn asked. I looked up, willed myself to stop crying, and wiped the tears away.

"Nothing. I'm fine. Let's go to the gym." I said. The notes app on my phone was still open, and I went to grab it but Shawn was quick. Whenever I logged my weight, I would put the date, what the day was, and if I didn't like the number, I put an X emoji. If I did like the number, which wasn't very often, I put a check mark emoji. Shawn looked at it and then looked at me.

"What's this?" He asked. I shook my head and tried to walk past him but he blocked my path.

"It's nothing." I said.

"Really? Because it looks like you've been weighing yourself every single day. That's not healthy. Weighing yourself every once in a little bit is okay, but not every single day. What do the X emojis mean?" Shawn asked. I sighed.

"It means that I don't like that number." I said.

"What do the check mark emojis mean?" Shawn asked.

"It means that I like that number." I said. Shawn looked at my phone and then at me. My heart broke when I saw the tears in his eyes.

"There are barely any check mark emojis. Why have you become so focused on your weight?" Shawn asked. I sighed.

"Can we sit on the bed and talk about this please?" I asked. Shawn nodded and we sat down on the bed. Shawn had tears running down his face, causing my heart to break more. I began to wipe his tears away. "Please don't cry my love. It breaks my heart to see you cry."

"Well I want to know why the hell you've become so focused on your weight." Shawn said. I sighed again and ran my fingers through my hair.

"I want to lose weight." I said.

"Why? Baby you're beautiful." Shawn said. That was when I started to cry.

"No. No I'm not. I'm fat and ugly, and I need to lose weight for the wedding. I need to look good for the wedding, and I need to look good for you. You're about to be my husband, you deserve to have a thin, pretty wife." I said. Shawn put his head in his hands and sobbed for a moment. I felt bad. I had hurt him, hadn't I? Shawn looked up at me and gently pulled me into his lap as we both cried. He put his hand to my cheek and rubbed it with his thumb.

"Y/n Y/l/n, do you trust me?" He asked. I nodded.

"Of course I do." I said.

"Then trust me when I say that you don't need to lose any weight at all. You're already beautiful and stunning. You're not fat, nor are you ugly. Y/n, you're my sweet love. You're my bride to be. You don't need to do anything special to look good for me. Just be you and you already take my breath away. How much weight were you trying to lose?" Shawn asked. I sighed.

"Shawn." I said.

"Baby, please. How much weight were you trying to lose?" He asked again. I hung my head, unable to look at him as I said it.

"Thirty to forty pounds." I said. Shawn put his hand to my cheek, and when I looked at him, he was crying again as he shook his head.

"No. No, don't you dare do that. Enough with this obsession over your weight and the gym and your eating. You're beautiful and there's no way in hell I'm letting my soon to be wife do that to herself. Please believe me honey, you're beautiful." He said. I shook my head.

"No. I need to go to the gym." I said as I tried to get off his lap, but his grip on me tightened.

"No. Today, you and I are going to cuddle and relax and watch movies or whatever you want. Please Y/n." Shawn said. I looked at him, and saw that his eyes were pleading for me to stay with him. I finally nodded.

"Okay. I'll stay home with you today." I said.

"Stay home for the rest of the week." He said.

"Shawn, it's Monday. I won't go to the gym today, but I want to go to the rest of the week." I said.

"Dammit Y/n! Don't you see it? You don't need to go to the gym! You're beautiful and stunning and gorgeous and breathtaking, and you don't need to lose weight!" Shawn said.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Shawn. I didn't mean to anger you or anything." I said as I cried again and made another attempt to get off his lap, but he wasn't having it.

"No, okay, I'm sorry that I just got upset like that, I didn't mean to. But honey, I wish that you could see yourself the way that I see you. Do you mind if I post a picture from our engagement photoshoot on Instagram?" Shawn asked. I shrugged.

"I don't know. Which one?" I asked. He scrolled through his phone and showed me the one of him and I as we laughed at something, but it also looked like we were leaning in for a kiss.

"This one." He said.

"That's fine. I'm tired from crying, I'm just going to nap." I said as I got off of Shawn's lap.

"Okay. I love you baby girl." Shawn said as I got under the covers.

"I love you too baby boy." I said, and then closed my eyes and fell back asleep. When I woke up, Shawn was laying next to me, asleep. I grabbed my phone and looked at what Shawn had written for a caption on the post.

"This morning was a rough and emotional, morning. I love Y/n Y/l/n more than words will ever be able to express. Her beauty takes my breath away all the time, just like it did when I laid eyes on her for the first time. When I laid eyes on her for the first time, not only was my breath taken away, but I also knew that I would marry her someday. Y/n gets tired after she cries so she's sleeping right now, but when she wakes up and sees this, I hope that she knows that I know that she's beautiful beyond words. She's not fat, nor is she ugly. She doesn't need to lose weight. I love my beautiful bride to be, and to Y/n, when you wake up and see this: I love you. I love you. I love you. You're my everything. I love you." Shawn wrote. I liked the post and commented on it.

"I love you so much Shawn and I can't wait to marry you. I'm sorry that I made us both so emotional this morning, I didn't mean for that. I love you bubs." I commented. I then set my phone down and cuddled up to Shawn.

"Did you like my post?" He asked. I looked up at him.

"Yeah. I thought that you were asleep." I said. He kissed my forehead, and the spot that he had kissed was left feeling tingly, even after his lips were no longer there.

"I was, but then I woke up. I love you baby girl." Shawn said. I gave him a sweet and gentle kiss.

"I love you too. Can we keep cuddling please?" I asked as Shawn began to rub my back.

"Of course we can honey." He said. We continued to cuddle, and I stopped obsessing about my weight for the wedding. On our wedding day, Shawn cried when he saw me walk down the aisle and he kept saying how beautiful I looked. I love Shawn so much, and I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him as my husband.