Hey x In light of recent events (not naming anyone but you all know) I'm going to write this. Hope you like it.

TRIGGER WARNING

Shawn's POV

"Thank you" I get off stage at my final show of the SM3 tour. It was in Toronto, my home town.

It would be the last show of my life.

I've had anxiety and depression for a while now. It started with mild anxiety when my career began at 14, and then I was diagnosed with depression at 17. I now have moderate anxiety and severe depression. I'm a failure. I never have time to spend with my family or Y/N, I let them down. I let my fans down when my voice cracks or when I play the wrong notes. I ruin their lives when they don't get to take a picture with me.

The world will be a better place without me. It's not even a thought, its the reality.

I drive myself home and clean our room. I lay on my bed and begin to cut my wrists. I do it slowly. I deserved the pain. I made 10 cuts on each arm and I begin to feel dizzy and begin to lose conciousness.

Your POV

I get home from Y/F/N's house and I notice Shawn's car parked up but it is silent.

"Shawn" I call. I go into our room and I'm shocked at what I see. Shawn, wrists bleeding, laying lifeless on the bed. I quickly dial 911 and scramble to wrap my scarf around his wrists to stop the bleeding.

"Shawn stay with me." I notice he's still slightly conscious as I can hear him groaning. "I love you Shawn I love you" I say into his ear and then sit on the bed and pull him into my arms. "Its okay I'm here." I bite my lip to try to not cry as I had to stay strong for him. "Deep breaths. That's it." I say as the paramedics come in and instantly put an oxygen mask over his face and get him to hospital. I see his mum there, who runs up and hugs me.

"W...where's Aaliyah and Manny?" I ask.

"Liyah was sick so Manny will stay with her and bring her in the morning." Karen was optimistic but I was certain that I was going to lose him. The doctor comes up to us.

"He will live." He says and relief floods through me. "But he was very lucky. He lost a lot of blood and because he has a common blood type we were able to do a transfusion. He might need a kidney transplant as he had some kidney failure caused by the blood loss." The doctor explains. "Shawn will be in hospital for a few weeks at least. We will transfer him to the mental health unit as soon as he is physically well enough. I'm going to need his mum to sign a few forms but you can see him. He's very weak."

I go into Shawn's hospital room and see him hooked up to an IV and blood drip, oxygen mask and a few other machines. He is shirtless, with stickers pressed onto his chest to measure his vitals. I reach out and hold his hand. His head turns towards me.

"Hey darling." I say to him, taking my fingers through his hair.

"Y/N..." he tries to speak but is weak.

"I'm here for you sweetie pie." I lean down and press a kiss onto his forehead.

"I...just...f...felt h...hopeless and w...worthless f...fail...ure" he stutters and my heart shatters. How did I not realise.

"Shawnie its okay don't worry. We all love you more that you will ever know and are here for you. Please don't think like that. You're not a failure, you've done so well and we are all so incredibly proud of you." I say in his ear as a tear falls from his eyes. "Please don't cry my baby." I whisper in his ear and wipe his tears.

"S...sorry..."

"It's okay you don't need to apologise hunny." I caress his cheek with my thumb as Karen comes in and I let her sit.

"My baby is okay." She leans down and kisses his cheek.

"M...mu...m"

"Don't try to speak sweetheart. You need some rest. Y/N and I will be here for as long as you need us." Karen gets up and unfolds the folding bed. I let her sleep on it and I get into bed with Shawn and hold his head close to my chest. I gently stroke his hear, whispering 'I love you' into his ear every few minutes. I make sure he's asleep before I fall asleep myself.

One year later

Shawn's POV

Today is the day. August 5th 2019. One year since my suicide attempt. I'm having an interview with Ellen to discuss it as I want to raise awareness for mental health.

I decide to wear a plain grey top with jeans. The top has 3/4 sleeves. It's the first time that my scars from my suicide attempt would be visible.

I take off my blue long sleeve and grey sweats that I wore to bed and my scar from my kidney transplant is visible. My body is still not as built up as it was before but it was getting there.

Y/N comes in and gives me a hug.

"What do you want for breakfast?" She asks, cupping my face.

"Just toast will be fine." I reply.

I sit at the dining table and eat my toast.

"Are you okay?" Y/N asks me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I rest my head on her stomach and she plays with my hair.

"Yeah. Just a bit worried." She kisses my forehead and we go to the interview.

"I'm sat right there." She points to a front seat. "Just say when you need me and I'll come sit with you." She says, before taking her seat.

Time for the interview. I have tears in my eyes before I even start.

"So Shawn. I'm not going to ask you to say anything too personal. I'm only going to ask you one question and you can tell us anything you want. Is that okay?" Ellen tells me before filming starts. Its a live interview. I nod and take a deep breath.

"Okay Shawn. Please can you tell us about your struggle with mental health and suicide attempt?" She asks me.

"Well...erm when I was 14 my career started and...just dealing with that sort of pressure erm...at that age is tough..."

"It must've been hard as you have to grow up really fast."

"Yeah...it was hard. So stressful....I started having panic attacks..." a few tears fall from my eyes and Ellen passes me a tissue. "S...so I got a therapist and got diagnosed with anxiety...but that...that...that was the start." I stop and take some deep breaths, leaning back on my chair. "Y/N can she sit with me?" I ask, making eye contact with Y/N. I asked Ellen to put a two seater sofa out as I knew I'd need Y/N.

"Of course you can honey." Y/N comes and sits with me and holds my hand in hers.

"So...I just got really depressed like I'd...just feel so down and it got so much worse. I...I began to just not eat, sleep badly and it just got to...to...to..." tears fall down my cheeks again and I let out a huge sob.

"Lets give Shawn a round of applause as he is being so brave here." Ellen says and everyone cheers for me.

"I...I just felt so hopeless and worthless...got to the point where...where I didn't just think that the world would be better without me but I...I felt like I knew it..." I take a few more deep breaths and feel Y/N's arm go around my shoulder. "So one day I just did it. I...I tried to...bleed myself to death...luckily Y/N found me just in time...but I needed a kidney transplant as I got kidney failure." I finish and the crowd cheers for me.

"We are all so proud of you." Y/N says to me and my head falls onto her shoulder. She wipes away my tears.

"I...I just wanna say...if you're suffering please get help. Just speak to someone like a parent or friend or teacher. There is a light at the end, I promise and please don't give up hope." I finish and get a standing ovation as a huge smile forms on my face and Y/N gives me a huge hug.

"Well done" she whispers into my ear as she rocks me from side to side. I was also really proud of myself for managing to do it.

We go home and I instantly get into bed as I was emotionally drained.

"May I join?" It was Y/N.

"Please" I say as she gets into bed with me, and I snuggle my head into the crook of her neck and her hands go through my hair and I fall asleep almost instantly.

This was something that needed to be written. I've been suicidal pretty much all the way through 2017 but I've gotten out of it now. I just decided to break the cycle of feeling upset and then okay. I was sick of going from shit to kind of fine. So in December 2017, after I had my last bad day, I made a promise to myself that this was the last time I'd feel like this. I decided to take back what was mine - my life. I decided I wanted my life back and that I wasn't going to let my mental health get the better of me. I told myself that I would get better, and one month later I'm still happy and I will be happy for the rest of my life.